Still choosing the bottle...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Still choosing the bottle...
First off, I haven't been here in a month or 2... I hope everyone is doing well.... I think of everyone often and how your words got me thru the break up.
I haven't heard from my AEXBF in probably 2 months. Today my phone was in my purse and when I pulled it out I had 6 missed calls from him. Of course that sent me immediately into a terrified mode. I called him back.. he answered hysterically crying and obviously very drunk...
He kept saying how much he misses me, he wishes things could be different not a day goes by that he doesnt think of me... yet he cant stop drinking. He told me he has no money cause he spends it all on alcohol.
This phone call made me feel 2 ways 1. I'm glad I dont have to deal with this stuff anymore 2. why do I still feel responsible for his actions?
I still pray everyday that I'm not going to get the phone call that he is dead. When will the worrying stop???
I know I'm doing good, I'm about to start nursing school in a week. But this phone call has sent me into an emotional frenzy....
Reaching out for some kind words....
I haven't heard from my AEXBF in probably 2 months. Today my phone was in my purse and when I pulled it out I had 6 missed calls from him. Of course that sent me immediately into a terrified mode. I called him back.. he answered hysterically crying and obviously very drunk...
He kept saying how much he misses me, he wishes things could be different not a day goes by that he doesnt think of me... yet he cant stop drinking. He told me he has no money cause he spends it all on alcohol.
This phone call made me feel 2 ways 1. I'm glad I dont have to deal with this stuff anymore 2. why do I still feel responsible for his actions?
I still pray everyday that I'm not going to get the phone call that he is dead. When will the worrying stop???
I know I'm doing good, I'm about to start nursing school in a week. But this phone call has sent me into an emotional frenzy....
Reaching out for some kind words....
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
About 2 years have past since my divorce from AH. For me, he is still in my thoughts.....and I try so hard just to Let Go. I know that it can be done, I just have not figured it out myself 
I do not want harm to come to him, but I am happy to say I no longer feel responsible for his actions. He's a big boy...he can figure out life just like me
I do not want harm to come to him, but I am happy to say I no longer feel responsible for his actions. He's a big boy...he can figure out life just like me
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Holly! Hey girl.... So... What I think is that that "guilt" we feel, is totally normal because we have seen the good in someone who is choosing such bad things. It's normal to care for people. It's normal to love others. It's normal to worry about our loved ones.
But what happened is that this disease, if you will, has stolen something meant to be genuine, and morphed it into a bottomless pit. Natural and good feelings have been "taken advantage of", and so we are left battling ourselves, having to learn things like "detachment".
It's really unfair, isn't it?
I just chose to block my ex from contacting me via FB or phone, just yesterday. There is a knot in my stomach. I am worried for him as well. When does it go away? I don't know....
But what happened is that this disease, if you will, has stolen something meant to be genuine, and morphed it into a bottomless pit. Natural and good feelings have been "taken advantage of", and so we are left battling ourselves, having to learn things like "detachment".
It's really unfair, isn't it?
I just chose to block my ex from contacting me via FB or phone, just yesterday. There is a knot in my stomach. I am worried for him as well. When does it go away? I don't know....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by LemonGirl 
Holly! Hey girl.... So... What I think is that that "guilt" we feel, is totally normal because we have seen the good in someone who is choosing such bad things. It's normal to care for people. It's normal to love others. It's normal to worry about our loved ones.
But what happened is that this disease, if you will, has stolen something meant to be genuine, and morphed it into a bottomless pit. Natural and good feelings have been "taken advantage of", and so we are left battling ourselves, having to learn things like "detachment".
It's really unfair, isn't it?
I just chose to block my ex from contacting me via FB or phone, just yesterday. There is a knot in my stomach. I am worried for him as well. When does it go away? I don't know....
But what happened is that this disease, if you will, has stolen something meant to be genuine, and morphed it into a bottomless pit. Natural and good feelings have been "taken advantage of", and so we are left battling ourselves, having to learn things like "detachment".
It's really unfair, isn't it?
I just chose to block my ex from contacting me via FB or phone, just yesterday. There is a knot in my stomach. I am worried for him as well. When does it go away? I don't know....
Thank you for your words!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Block the phone. You'll be glad you did. You need to concentrate on your studies, not this guy's day-to-day dramas, which you can't do anything about except look on helplessly and get all upset over.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Exactly what LexieCat said.
You said "Hey I care about you... I'm worried about you."
He said "Prove it by caring and worrying more as I disregard your needs and continue doing the thing that makes you worry."
Which is impossible, because it's never ending.
So you say "Ouch. I'd love to keep caring, but that's more than I can give."
And then we get guilted for not being God.
But we're human :-) and that's okay.
My ex kept trying to say "you're all I've got." (Only when drunk of course), but it was his way of trying to guilt me into feeling like I was responsible for his happiness. So glad I understood this dynamic clearly. I know you do too hun.
You said "Hey I care about you... I'm worried about you."
He said "Prove it by caring and worrying more as I disregard your needs and continue doing the thing that makes you worry."
Which is impossible, because it's never ending.
So you say "Ouch. I'd love to keep caring, but that's more than I can give."
And then we get guilted for not being God.
But we're human :-) and that's okay.
My ex kept trying to say "you're all I've got." (Only when drunk of course), but it was his way of trying to guilt me into feeling like I was responsible for his happiness. So glad I understood this dynamic clearly. I know you do too hun.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's normal to feel bad for someone in so much pain and like all pain, it will pass. I think praying for someone else helps us. The important thing is that you're moving on with your life. Congrats on nursing school.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think once we read between the lines we see things clearer.
6 missed phone calls from him that sent you into a “terrified mode”. Terrified of what exactly? That some stranger found his cell phone on his dead body and called you??? Or that the police found his dead body and then went through his cell phone and called you???? That’s the fiction that happens in movies. I’m not trying to sound mean but trying to put a reality on your terror.
Then he says he misses you and wishes things could be different BUT he’d rather still drink.
Then he tells you he has no money except for booze and obviously his cell phone, why do you think he needed to provide you with that fact?
I’m glad you don’t have to deal with his stuff anymore…………..but calling him back you opened that door for your emotional frenzy and that emotional frenzy will happen again and again. Maybe next time it will be 7 missed calls or 8 missed calls because now he knows he got you to respond to him.
Only you can figure out why you would take on the responsibility of another person’s decisions and feel responsible for them. I think it goes back to the basics……………..you don’t cause him to drink!
Until you can figure out why you can’t seem to block his number and truly move on with your life, he and his behavior will continue to haunt you.
These are probably not the kind of kind words you were looking for but you have your whole future ahead of you. It would be a shame to drag that heavy baggage along with you.
((hugs))
6 missed phone calls from him that sent you into a “terrified mode”. Terrified of what exactly? That some stranger found his cell phone on his dead body and called you??? Or that the police found his dead body and then went through his cell phone and called you???? That’s the fiction that happens in movies. I’m not trying to sound mean but trying to put a reality on your terror.
Then he says he misses you and wishes things could be different BUT he’d rather still drink.
Then he tells you he has no money except for booze and obviously his cell phone, why do you think he needed to provide you with that fact?
I’m glad you don’t have to deal with his stuff anymore…………..but calling him back you opened that door for your emotional frenzy and that emotional frenzy will happen again and again. Maybe next time it will be 7 missed calls or 8 missed calls because now he knows he got you to respond to him.
Only you can figure out why you would take on the responsibility of another person’s decisions and feel responsible for them. I think it goes back to the basics……………..you don’t cause him to drink!
Until you can figure out why you can’t seem to block his number and truly move on with your life, he and his behavior will continue to haunt you.
These are probably not the kind of kind words you were looking for but you have your whole future ahead of you. It would be a shame to drag that heavy baggage along with you.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
Just wanted to tell everyone I have FINALLY blocked his number and deleted it. Like most of you said- my new journey is beginning and he is not a part of it....
Looking forward to brighter days....
Looking forward to brighter days....
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