Am I not past this...yet??!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Am I not past this...yet??!!
Where to begin?? I have not been on the site for the last 10 months or so. Last June I came to my complete breaking point . My alcoholic husband, who had been sober for 8 years, decided to pick up again. The next 18 months proved to be a nightmare I never believed I would live.
My world became escalating anger, hatred, blaming me, threatening me, physically grabbing me. After 18 months of living the nightmare, leaving my house constantly to a "safe" place, locking the bedroom door at night to keep him from getting to me, I did the unthinkable. I had to have a restraining order placed against him. Never in all my life did I think something could hurt so bad!! How could a pain that stabbed me through the heart so deeply not kill me???? My heart has been so broken, I have cried more tears than I believed possible. I am trying to pull "me" back together. Put my feet firmly on the ground and stand up. Just stand up and take baby steps forward.
All through my efforts....taking baby steps one at a time, he continues to break the restraining order. Voicemail, texts.....on and on and on. FINALLY I have enough and change all the numbers I possibly can! So....he starts leaving hateful and threatening messages on my work number! I have to get Human Resource involved....who proceeds to call the police after hearing the messages. Surprise, surprise....a police officer comes and listens to the voicemail messages and tells me a warrant will be issued for his arrest..... I have no say in the matter. Thank God for those who are there to do what I can't seem to do for myself. How in the WORLD do I STILL worry about hurting HIM??? And with that, I will say, I still don't wish him harm. I wish him health and happiness. But never again with me.
NOW, he is leaving messages about how I owe HIM money! And he is TOTALLY convinced I do!! Even though I bailed him out of credit card (TWICE) and medical bill debt and rolled it into the mortgage of the home I bought all by myself before we were ever married! Relentless messages on my work number throwing the F bomb in every possible direction. Last message stating, "Don't F with me!! No amount of cops in the f-ing world are going to help you." Thank GOD he does not live in the same state anymore!!!
How does he not remember all the times I bailed HIM out! How does he have such a skewed, screwed up view of reality??!! DANGIT, I know this!! Help me remember what this is all about. How in the WORLD can he still get to me??? I should be way stronger than this by now!
My world became escalating anger, hatred, blaming me, threatening me, physically grabbing me. After 18 months of living the nightmare, leaving my house constantly to a "safe" place, locking the bedroom door at night to keep him from getting to me, I did the unthinkable. I had to have a restraining order placed against him. Never in all my life did I think something could hurt so bad!! How could a pain that stabbed me through the heart so deeply not kill me???? My heart has been so broken, I have cried more tears than I believed possible. I am trying to pull "me" back together. Put my feet firmly on the ground and stand up. Just stand up and take baby steps forward.
All through my efforts....taking baby steps one at a time, he continues to break the restraining order. Voicemail, texts.....on and on and on. FINALLY I have enough and change all the numbers I possibly can! So....he starts leaving hateful and threatening messages on my work number! I have to get Human Resource involved....who proceeds to call the police after hearing the messages. Surprise, surprise....a police officer comes and listens to the voicemail messages and tells me a warrant will be issued for his arrest..... I have no say in the matter. Thank God for those who are there to do what I can't seem to do for myself. How in the WORLD do I STILL worry about hurting HIM??? And with that, I will say, I still don't wish him harm. I wish him health and happiness. But never again with me.
NOW, he is leaving messages about how I owe HIM money! And he is TOTALLY convinced I do!! Even though I bailed him out of credit card (TWICE) and medical bill debt and rolled it into the mortgage of the home I bought all by myself before we were ever married! Relentless messages on my work number throwing the F bomb in every possible direction. Last message stating, "Don't F with me!! No amount of cops in the f-ing world are going to help you." Thank GOD he does not live in the same state anymore!!!
How does he not remember all the times I bailed HIM out! How does he have such a skewed, screwed up view of reality??!! DANGIT, I know this!! Help me remember what this is all about. How in the WORLD can he still get to me??? I should be way stronger than this by now!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
As you said in the past, your human resources dept had to do for you what you were unable to do for yourself and call the police.
We need to learn from our past mistakes, so why not CALL THE POLICE once again because he is again violating the restraining order.
It’s not about money, it’s not about him using the F bomb it’s about YOU standing up for yourself and doing what is right………………….all that other crap is crap!!! drama, reasons for him to continue to violate you. And each and every time you don’t hang up right away and report him – he will continue to do what he’s doing because he can, you are allowing him to.
And YES you are stronger then you think but often that is exactly our problem – thinking and thinking to much and not in healthy ways.
Call the police, report him violating the restraining order once again.
We need to learn from our past mistakes, so why not CALL THE POLICE once again because he is again violating the restraining order.
It’s not about money, it’s not about him using the F bomb it’s about YOU standing up for yourself and doing what is right………………….all that other crap is crap!!! drama, reasons for him to continue to violate you. And each and every time you don’t hang up right away and report him – he will continue to do what he’s doing because he can, you are allowing him to.
And YES you are stronger then you think but often that is exactly our problem – thinking and thinking to much and not in healthy ways.
Call the police, report him violating the restraining order once again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
And I am back into counseling. Like I said....it takes me by surprise when it all knocks me flat. Maybe I am just looking for confirmation that others go through these moments sometimes?? Or am I losing my mind?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Just to clarify....I never answer the phone. NEVER! And I never respond to him. And I have called the police and reported the latest infractions. I will continue to tell it, yell it! I am to that point. My shock was that it could still hurt. That is where I get stuck....... just needed a safe place to confess it still brings on emotion and hurt.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Patti......Now, you've got it!!!!!!!! You should have said--straight up----I need people to tell me how much this still hurts!
Next time.....don't be so indirect.
Sometimes, we just have to tell the world what we need.....
it is ok. to do so.........
(by the way.....crying is an art form of mine. If I couldn't cry to get rid of the negative energy that hurts my heart.....I do feel like I might die).
dandylion
Next time.....don't be so indirect.
Sometimes, we just have to tell the world what we need.....
it is ok. to do so.........
(by the way.....crying is an art form of mine. If I couldn't cry to get rid of the negative energy that hurts my heart.....I do feel like I might die).
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hate hurts. It hurts to be the target of someone's rage. And it's scary too. And it's a betrayal of your loving relationship that you had once.
My old counselor told me to stop thinking about why I had the feelings I did, and just to feel them. To feel afraid, to feel the hurt, and then let it go. Feelings are not facts.
As long as you are acting on the facts, like the restraining order and his continued violation of it, it's all you can do. The rest? The feelings? They will come and go. But I know in my experience, it hurts to be a dumping ground for someone's pain regardless of why they're doing it. The Whys can put it into context, which helps, but ultimately we feel what we feel. All you can do is limit your exposure to it.
My old counselor told me to stop thinking about why I had the feelings I did, and just to feel them. To feel afraid, to feel the hurt, and then let it go. Feelings are not facts.
As long as you are acting on the facts, like the restraining order and his continued violation of it, it's all you can do. The rest? The feelings? They will come and go. But I know in my experience, it hurts to be a dumping ground for someone's pain regardless of why they're doing it. The Whys can put it into context, which helps, but ultimately we feel what we feel. All you can do is limit your exposure to it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Oh Florence, thank you for those words. As strong as I feel I have gotten and as amazed as I am that I have drawn the lines and kept them with him....in one quick second I can feel that broken heart-ed hurt again. And it's during those times I just need a simple confirmation that I am human, and I can hurt. Thank you. Your words help more than you may know.
And thank you Dandylion.... you did say the tough words that need to be said. And you also understood me.
Honestly, this site is what gave me the strength to do what I did a year ago. Loving, supporting, encouraging. I do not think I would have been able to follow through with what I did a year ago WHEN I did without all of you. I know I just needed you all again....my words flew across the keyboard with emotion and frustration. So...what I "need" did not come across as clearly as I would like.
Thank you all for understanding and being there again!
And thank you Dandylion.... you did say the tough words that need to be said. And you also understood me.
Honestly, this site is what gave me the strength to do what I did a year ago. Loving, supporting, encouraging. I do not think I would have been able to follow through with what I did a year ago WHEN I did without all of you. I know I just needed you all again....my words flew across the keyboard with emotion and frustration. So...what I "need" did not come across as clearly as I would like.
Thank you all for understanding and being there again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
You are not losing your mind. My ex and I parted ways for the last time (I kept going back for more) almost a year ago and there are still times when I have my own moments of weakness, my own 'slips' if you will. All you can do, is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it and keep moving forward.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm very, very proud of you for getting that order and reporting the violations. I do DV work for a living, and the reason we advocate prosecution even over the victim's wishes is because we KNOW how hard it is to overcome the manipulation and fear that go along with the abuse. It's to take some of the burden off someone like you.
I'm sorry it's still so painful for you. It seems to go with the territory, even when we know someone has no right to treat you that way. The best thing you can do for yourself, though, is to keep yourself safe and let the system do its job. I'm glad you have people looking out for your interests. Lean on them. Are you working with a victim advocate? If not, I really recommend that you do so. Your prosecutor's office and/or your local women's shelter have advocates who can help hook you up with resources like counseling and safety planning to help you until you can get free of the abuse.
Many hugs, and don't do that, "I should be stronger than this." Abusers are very VERY good at what they do, and they know your vulnerabilities and play on them. Keep breathing, keep reporting everything, and work with people who can help.
I'm sorry it's still so painful for you. It seems to go with the territory, even when we know someone has no right to treat you that way. The best thing you can do for yourself, though, is to keep yourself safe and let the system do its job. I'm glad you have people looking out for your interests. Lean on them. Are you working with a victim advocate? If not, I really recommend that you do so. Your prosecutor's office and/or your local women's shelter have advocates who can help hook you up with resources like counseling and safety planning to help you until you can get free of the abuse.
Many hugs, and don't do that, "I should be stronger than this." Abusers are very VERY good at what they do, and they know your vulnerabilities and play on them. Keep breathing, keep reporting everything, and work with people who can help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU Lexie!!!! All good reminders that I needed to hear!!! I had some very amazing people standing by me when I placed the restraining order. Now my friend, a police officer, tells me she wasn't going to let me leave without it. She just kept encouraging and talking me through it. She could see the danger I was in even more than me. She is my hero.
And now I am working with a victim advocate that I was directed to by my local police department. They are beyond amazing....I am so grateful for all of them! God has placed people in my life all along knowing I would need them. I am blessed beyond words, beyond explanation.
And how right you are about abusers being very good at what they do! My AH knows exactly what to say to hurt me. I have to remember that.
And thank you firebolt for your words of encouragement!!! This site never ceases to blow my mind with the loving support that pours out from it's members. Truly beautiful people.
And now I am working with a victim advocate that I was directed to by my local police department. They are beyond amazing....I am so grateful for all of them! God has placed people in my life all along knowing I would need them. I am blessed beyond words, beyond explanation.
And how right you are about abusers being very good at what they do! My AH knows exactly what to say to hurt me. I have to remember that.
And thank you firebolt for your words of encouragement!!! This site never ceases to blow my mind with the loving support that pours out from it's members. Truly beautiful people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
I could not think of anything better than being able to support others going through what I have! It is the perfect cycle of a loving life....give back what you receive and always be grateful for the healing it can bring.
I also believe there will be a time in my life that I will be grateful for what I have gone through because of who I will become through it.
I also believe there will be a time in my life that I will be grateful for what I have gone through because of who I will become through it.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Patticakes,
You are a true inspiration and so much stronger than you know. My stbxah was arrested last May and I had to have sprite room from abuse order against him. I know the heartache you feel. It is horrible. I haven't been as strong as you. I haven't reported the infractions. It is so difficult for us, because we would never hurt anyone on purpose. And knowing the arrest "hurt" our husbands on some level is very difficult for us to live with. But the truth is, they don't care how their actions or behaviors hurt us. They hurt us physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and didn't miss a beat. I could go in to all that I have done to try to make amends to my husband. It would make you feel very strong for how you have handled this situation. But I'm too embarrassed to go into all of my stupid codependent, anxious attachment, naive ways I have dealt with my situation. Let me just say, you should be giving yourself pats on the back for where you are with things. So many of us out here that have been through similar situations are struggling to come to terms with it all. You are not alone. Even though intellectually I know what to do, my heart hasn't caught up yet. And I can look at anyone else's situation from the outside and it is so easy to see things clearly. But my own, just forget it. So don't beat yourself up. You are doing great and if you didn't hurt over this, you wouldn't be as kind and caring of a person you are. Don't listen to his rankings. He is trying to provoke some reaction and you are the easiest target right now. Hopefully after this next arrest, he will think twice about what he has done. But for abusers it seems to always be someone else's fault and usually have every reason why the victim made them do what they did. It is how they justify their deplorable behavior to the world and themselves. Have you read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". I highly recommend it.
You are a true inspiration and so much stronger than you know. My stbxah was arrested last May and I had to have sprite room from abuse order against him. I know the heartache you feel. It is horrible. I haven't been as strong as you. I haven't reported the infractions. It is so difficult for us, because we would never hurt anyone on purpose. And knowing the arrest "hurt" our husbands on some level is very difficult for us to live with. But the truth is, they don't care how their actions or behaviors hurt us. They hurt us physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and didn't miss a beat. I could go in to all that I have done to try to make amends to my husband. It would make you feel very strong for how you have handled this situation. But I'm too embarrassed to go into all of my stupid codependent, anxious attachment, naive ways I have dealt with my situation. Let me just say, you should be giving yourself pats on the back for where you are with things. So many of us out here that have been through similar situations are struggling to come to terms with it all. You are not alone. Even though intellectually I know what to do, my heart hasn't caught up yet. And I can look at anyone else's situation from the outside and it is so easy to see things clearly. But my own, just forget it. So don't beat yourself up. You are doing great and if you didn't hurt over this, you wouldn't be as kind and caring of a person you are. Don't listen to his rankings. He is trying to provoke some reaction and you are the easiest target right now. Hopefully after this next arrest, he will think twice about what he has done. But for abusers it seems to always be someone else's fault and usually have every reason why the victim made them do what they did. It is how they justify their deplorable behavior to the world and themselves. Have you read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". I highly recommend it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Oh my goodness Searching Peace....thank you so much for your very touching and heartfelt words of encouragement!! You are so right.... it is SO hard to hurt another person....ESPECIALLY a person we love!! We keep hoping and praying that they will figure it out.... and we won't have to be a part of something that hurts them more! But that's just it..... WE are not hurting them.. THEY are! And when we buffer, soften, protect we only make it easier for them to continue their self destruction. DAMN, we just became a part of the problem! ARGH! And when we see that nothing we do, say, don't do, don't say makes one single solitary difference in what they actually do THEN we realize we have to STOP! Hell fire...... couldn't we just LOVE them into health?? HA!! A truly giant myth for us lovers, protectors, fixers....enablers. Yikes.
NEVER feel embarrassed by the ways you tried to deal with your situation! It is part of what makes you that caring, loving person you are! Just like you said to me! Embrace the fact that you ARE that caring and loving person and learn to care, love and embrace yourself! Those are amazing qualities when you share with those who will honor and love you back. We don't want to lose that gift we have to love, cherish, nurture and love unconditionally! We want to learn the safe and healthy places to share our gifts. And baby... we got goooood gifts!
And it has to begin with US! We are worth loving and nurturing. We need to learn to love from the inside out. That's not selfish... it's healthy!
Thank you SO much again!!!!! SO grateful for you tonight!!!!
NEVER feel embarrassed by the ways you tried to deal with your situation! It is part of what makes you that caring, loving person you are! Just like you said to me! Embrace the fact that you ARE that caring and loving person and learn to care, love and embrace yourself! Those are amazing qualities when you share with those who will honor and love you back. We don't want to lose that gift we have to love, cherish, nurture and love unconditionally! We want to learn the safe and healthy places to share our gifts. And baby... we got goooood gifts!
And it has to begin with US! We are worth loving and nurturing. We need to learn to love from the inside out. That's not selfish... it's healthy!Thank you SO much again!!!!! SO grateful for you tonight!!!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Patticakes, some flowers for you. May these emotional storms pass soon and bring more blessings your way. You deserve great things in your life.
Also, have you read the poem The Guest House? It's been of great help to me.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...est-house.html
Hugs and prayers for you.
Also, have you read the poem The Guest House? It's been of great help to me.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...est-house.html
Hugs and prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Patticakes, thank you! It is you and your post that helped me tonight. For the first time in probably my entire relationship with stbxah, I didn't jump when he said to tonight. I didn't do what he wanted me to do. Instead, I very calmly honored myself and tried to show respect for myself. I guess it is true if we don't respect ourselves no one else will. So a tiny babystep was made all because of your post. Thank you for being an inspiration of strength and courage for all of us!
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