SadInTX

Thank you atalose, I wasn't looking at it that way...especially the "I told you so" part regarding my ex. This is why I love this forum...I have a hard time seeing things for what they really are...I have been living "on the fence" for about 6 months now...the good days with AH always hook me back in...I have to look at this logically. have any of you written a Pros and Cons list when you were considering leaving your A? What else helped you during that process? (I know..I am co-dependent but working on that by reading Co Dependent No More and therapy).

atalose

I know that I have been guilty of making bad decisions based on previous bad decision and finding myself so overwhelmed I couldn’t think straight no matter how hard I tried.

I would always recommend a pros and cons list with the exception of abuse because there really is no pro to that one at all.

I lived with an extremely controlling husband (but he didn’t drink) who isolated me without me even realizing it and made me having friends and anything outside of the marriage impossible. It took me a long time to find my strength and then stay that course until I was out the door.

Only you know your husband and his behaviors and only you can judge what is in your best interest to do. Just don’t make that decision based on your ex- husbands attempt to gain custody. Never stay in a bad situation because of a previous bad decision.

Sounds like your ex-husband was looking out for the best interest of his children, could you leaving a bad situation make your ex-husband an ally for you? Would that even be a possibility?

Florence

I just learned through reading and participating here, and through counseling. I learned to wait and see and not put too much stock into short term behaviors, and to "play the tape through to the end." By which I mean, we like to fantasize about engaging in destructive behcaiors -- like linking ourselves to destructive people -- and never imagine the consequences. I learned about the "cycle of abuse," which applied to a bunch of XAH's alcoholic behaviors [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse]. Eventually I had enough history behind us to know our patterns and what they were, and begin to remove myself from the destructive patterns. As they say, "Let go or be dragged." Many of these cute sayings and phrases were actually helpful in grounding me and my codependent thinking.
That Ain't In The Big Book

With time I realized that a lot of people are cool and kind and funny, and many of them would also be interested in dating me, and I them, and many of them have normal kinds of character flaws that aren't total deal breakers (like active addiction), and I learned can pick and choose who I want to be with. I don't want to romantically link myself with someone who struggles with addiction -- been there, done that, didn't like it, and I know I'm bad in that dynamic. And that's that.

You don't have to do anything right now or make any major decisions. Just do the next right thing, whatever that is, one foot in front of the other.

Something else? You don't need your A's permission to go to Al-Anon or counseling. Just go. You don't have to explain or justify it to anyone, not us, not your friends and family, and certainly not him. Both of these things will help you figure out what to do next.

LittleBirds3

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I want to tell you something, maybe it will help you do what you know you need to do.

My soon to be exh is an alcoholic. We have 3 small children. His addiction started to get really bad when my youngest (now 4) was born. (STBExH left the hospital while I was in labor to get drinks with a buddy. At noon.) It took me 3 years, but I finally left him. I was DREADING mother's day. I didn't want to see all my friends get spoiled by their husbands while I was all alone doing what I do every day - taking care of my children.

When my 5-year old woke me up at 6:30, I started bawling because I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP IN ON MOTHER'S DAY.

You know what? It was the best mother's day I've had in a long time. No disappointment. No frustration because he is SUPPOSED to be doing something to thank me for mothering his kids, instead he is drunk and I am by myself, with the kids. Again. No forced "thank you" for the thoughtless gift he clearly purchased for me at the last minute when he was on his way home from drinking with friends.

I made my kids make me cards, I bought myself a gift (a maid service to come clean my house), and I took my kids and myself hiking. It was amazing and lovely.

I'm so glad I left him.

I hope that this time next year, you are too.