Update on AH - why in such denial

Old 05-12-2015, 07:59 AM
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Update on AH - why in such denial

As some of you may remember my AH was arrested with DWI over a week ago. He claims someone drugged his drink, says he only had three drinks the whole night. He blacked out and doesn't even remember being arrested. The day I got him out of jail he told me he was going to make changes...wasn't going to drink...wanted to look the judge in the eyes and tell him/her that he hasn't drank since. That lasted a week. This past Saturday he blew up about something trivial and went over to his cousin's house. He got drunk, but didn't drive home. When he called he wasn't very nice, so I would just hang up. I was relieved that he didn't come home...I actually had a great day with my two sons. (he is step dad).
The next day was Mother's day...he came home with flowers and a card for my boys to sign. I ended up taking my boys out of the house for a few hours. When I got home he said that it was all his fault...he would be nicer to me. We had a good night after that.
Yesterday after work he came home with a 12 pack of beer. I was not happy and told him so. He couldn't understand why I was acting this way, why should I be upset? I said, of course...it is your house you do what you want, that is your choice. he ended up staying in the garage and drank. He told me that he is a good man...treats me good..treats my kids good...I could do a lot worse....I told him I was disappointed...he said he was going to make changes...not drink...he brought up that he was drugged, that is why he was in this situation...wow, he is in such denial. He wanted to know what was so wrong with him drinking beer at his own house? I told him that he turns into a different person...he is sometimes not nice. He said he was only going to have a few beers but had them all because I wasn't acting right. I knew better than to talk to him last night while he was drunk. Why is he in such denial? Why does he blame me? He couldn't even go a week without drinking after the DWI...I have a lot to think about for me and my boys... has anyone gone through something similar to this???? I am at the end of my rope.
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:35 AM
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He is doing all those things because he is an alcoholic. It's what they do.

To try and analyze his behavior beyond that is pointless and will drive you insane. Accept him for who he is.

Your part in all this is to decide what is acceptable, and how much longer you want you and your children in this mess.
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:44 AM
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Sad, this is very, very common. They deflect blame and are in denial to give themselves permission to keep drinking. Have you done much reading in the other threads or stickies? You'll see how common this is.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:00 AM
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Pretty standard operating procedure for alcoholics--only thing is
it will be getting worse as the disease progresses if he stays in denial and keeps drinking.

This can't be good for your kids or you. I'm sorry.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:01 AM
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Have you had a chance to read thru some of the stickies at the top of the page yet? I'd suggest checking out this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html It's very pertinent to where you are right now, I think.

There is a saying in Alanon: Nothing changes if nothing changes. And back when you posted that your A had "stopped drinking" but had made no other plans and was involved in no program for support, some members mentioned that unfortunately his "sobriety"was not likely to last long unless other changes were made besides his not drinking. Sadly, that is indeed what happened--nothing changed, and so nothing changed.

Have you looked into Alanon, Celebrate Recovery or any other recovery group for support for yourself? As Sungrl and Refiner said, there is nothing to be gained by continuing to analyze his behavior. Your best bet is to read as much as you can here (and then you'll know if others have experienced what you are going thru) as well as look for some face-to-face support for yourself. Educate yourself about alcoholism and you'll start to have a clearer picture of what you can and can't do about it--and even more important, who you can and can't do it for...

Sorry to hear that you're going down the same trail as so many others, but you are NOT alone. Read, learn, and grow. You CAN do this.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:30 AM
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honeypig: I like what you said, nothing changed, and so nothing changed. I take blame on this too. I was expecting that since he got a DWI he would wake up and realize he has a problem and would want to fix it. He just keeps blaming the outside world rather than look at himself. I have tried to go to Alanon but he just says I will be there just to say bad things about him. (I know it's not about him, it's about me) It is just easier not to try to go yet. He is very controlling, I get that, so I have to make my plans carefully. I have been reading the books Co Dependent No More; Why Does He Do That; and The Emotionally Abused Woman. I have been quietly making a plan B for my boys and I, but then he will have a good day, so I relax and hope it stays like that. But then something else happens. I am actually going to look at a rental house on the other side of the neighborhood later this afternoon. My oldest son goes to Kindergarten and my youngest will be in Kindergarten next year so I don't want to have to switch schools. I need something to remain constant for them right now. This would mean being within a 2 miles from his home, but I want my kids to go to the school that they are used to right now.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:37 AM
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SadinTexas.....I highly recommend the following articles......to answer the questions that you are asking.....

1. Google: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships" by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

2. Google: "Excused Alcoholics Make" by Floyd P. Garrett, M. D.

These may help you to understand a bit of what you are up against with this disease.

Sad.....an acoholic lies to themselves...(the acoholic voice whispers lies to them 14/7---as that is part of the disease). They cannot trust their o wn selves.....
So, what in the world makes you think that you can trust their words???

Talk is cheap. With an alcoholic....the actions are the only thing to watch!
You want to believe so much that you probably forget this as soon as he starts talking.....LOL!

One time, many years ago when I was married to my children's father (who was a narcissist..not alcoholic)---I posted this on the refridgerator
"Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary".

I agree with the others who recommend that you Read; Learn; Grow......

And, Oh Lord....there Is so much to learn......

dandylion
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:40 AM
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An exbf of mine(non addict and super cool) called behavior like this the purple squirrel syndrome:

If a person tells you something like they don't believe in voting, you can ask why. You may disagree, but it's not an uncommon things and it can be debated. If a person says "hello! I'm a purple squirrel" You just say "why, yes you are and a what a fluffy tail" and move on. You don't ask why, you don't try and reason or figure it out. They are coming from a place of such utter madness there is no common ground of sanity to build the discussion on.

Active addicts spewing nonsense about being drugged purple squirrels. Nothing you can do but not put on a squirrel suit yourself.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:43 AM
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Hi (((((sad)))))
I relate to all of what you wrote, yes... could have written it myself a year ago.
And like the previous posters have stated, this is just what the A's do, and although we want to analyze it and figure out WHY and try to fix it... it does no good for us.

I'm glad you're here, and I hope you stay here. I know that for me, coming here and just reading the other member's stories and how similar many of them were to mine, was a big relief in the beginning... Just knowing how common this behavior actually is was helpful for me, and has helped me to know, and really BELIEVE that AH's behaviors are NOT my fault.

After all the blaming and verbal abuse for so long, even though I knew intellectually it wasn't my fault, there was still that part in the back of my brain that said, "well maybe it is... maybe if I was better.... or more this or less that.... then maybe he won't drink and things will be like they used to be."
I still struggle with that, but SR and Al-anon have helped me a lot.

I know how hard it is, and only you can decide when it's time to leave the relationship.... or not. We'lll be here for you no matter what.

Just keep taking care of you and your boys, and keep reading here...

(((((HUGS))))))
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:07 AM
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I was expecting that since he got a DWI he would wake up and realize he has a problem and would want to fix it.

This kind of thinking kept me stuck for a long time. I'd think that this night in jail, trip to the ER, account overdraft, whatever consequence was going to be THE THING that got him to realize he had a problem.
Good for you on checking out that rental. I wish I'd had the same clarity that you have right now.

He just keeps blaming the outside world rather than look at himself.

Yep. It was always my fault, or the kids, or his parents or the customer service person at the utility company or the VA. Literally everyone and everything in the world except his choices and his drinking.

I have tried to go to Alanon but he just says I will be there just to say bad things about him. (I know it's not about him, it's about me) It is just easier not to try to go yet. He is very controlling, I get that, so I have to make my plans carefully.

I was in a similar situation. I actually didn't start going until after I left my ex. He would have gone ballistic if he'd known I was going to Alanon. He would have thought the exact same thing about me going there to badmouth him, because of course the entire world revolves around him.
It also wasn't safe for me to leave the kids alone with him for even an hour because I never knew what I'd be coming home to. He once got so drunk while I was at the grocery store that he called 911 to report DS 6 (he was 3 or 4 at the time) missing. I got home from the grocery store with DS in tow (I'd been gone maybe 45 minutes) and found a virtual SWAT brigade swarming the street outside our house in response to the "missing child" call. It was mortifying.
Don't worry about Alanon right now. You'll have plenty of opportunity once you're free of this situation.
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:12 AM
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This is just what they do its so text book you could change the name on your post and anyone who is here could write it.

He told me that he is a good man...treats me good..treats my kids good...I could do a lot worse..

Ironic isn't it? Never occurs to them that you could do a lot better.
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Old 05-12-2015, 10:57 AM
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Just my two cents………..Kindergartner age children are extremely adaptable and would adapt to any school environment. Their needs are simple, a safe and healthy home environment free from alcohol and drug abuse. I would think the number one thing you and your children need more than staying in the same school because of kindergarten would be love and support from family and friends.

Do you have family in the area? Do you have close friends you could confide in?

Living with a controlling person to the point of not seeking help for oneself (al-anon meetings) is abuse and a scary kind of abuse at that.

Alcoholism is progressive so is controlling behavior, it couldn’t hurt for you to reach out to a domestic violent hot line 800-799-SAFE (7233) to see what resources are available to you in your area.

Keep posting, keep reading, keep coming back!!!
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:07 AM
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If and when you decided it is time to leave don't worry so much about where they go to school as kindergarteners. They are so young. They will adapt. I can attest to that in a different way. My family was military and we moved ALL the time when I was in school. I have two sisters. None of us had any problems. And all my friends were military and did the same thing. Don't stay in a bad situation just for that reason.
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by KissMyTiara View Post
If and when you decided it is time to leave don't worry so much about where they go to school as kindergarteners. They are so young. They will adapt. I can attest to that in a different way. My family was military and we moved ALL the time when I was in school. I have two sisters. None of us had any problems. And all my friends were military and did the same thing. Don't stay in a bad situation just for that reason.
KissMyTiara: I totally agree with what you wrote...I also am a military brat (proud to write that)...and I know my kids would be okay with change. There is a back story with my boys' father...he took me to court to try to get primary custody (he didn't win)...and sad thing is he did it because of my husband...didn't like what his ex wife had to say about him (in a nutshell). Just thought staying in the same school would eliminate any issues he might have on them changing schools...this is definitely something to think about...this rental house is not available until June 2...but there are some apartments close that have availability now...different school though. Thanks for the input...
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:38 PM
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I want to say so much, because your husband so reminds me of mine, but am paralyzed to type. Like this moving you are talking about, the urge to get out, just out, away from him. I can so feel it. You say that the house will be available on 2nd. And when you think about it, it is only 20 days. Maybe you know, I am about to move out myself. Today I went to the rental office, got the documents, instructions how to get electricity going, etc. The place will be ready to move in next week. So there is only one weekend left. But it seems like eternity.

I wish you good luck and to be able to find the place you need and move out as fast as you have to.

They really do create a reality for themselves and live in it. Mine can plainly see that the objects in this household are getting reorganized, that there are boxes staring at his face, that I separated clothes months ago, that I bought big plastic containers and have empty cardboard boxes around! Does he ask questions, talks about it? Nope. Nothing.

So, do what you have to do, what you feel you have to do.
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Old 05-12-2015, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post
I want to say so much, because your husband so reminds me of mine, but am paralyzed to type. Like this moving you are talking about, the urge to get out, just out, away from him. I can so feel it. You say that the house will be available on 2nd. And when you think about it, it is only 20 days. Maybe you know, I am about to move out myself. Today I went to the rental office, got the documents, instructions how to get electricity going, etc. The place will be ready to move in next week. So there is only one weekend left. But it seems like eternity.

I wish you good luck and to be able to find the place you need and move out as fast as you have to.

They really do create a reality for themselves and live in it. Mine can plainly see that the objects in this household are getting reorganized, that there are boxes staring at his face, that I separated clothes months ago, that I bought big plastic containers and have empty cardboard boxes around! Does he ask questions, talks about it? Nope. Nothing.

So, do what you have to do, what you feel you have to do.
Thanks...if I do this I have to keep it a secret for a while. He is the type of person that would probably tell me to leave that day. I do not have family here in my state. I do not have any friends any more..well, current friends that I keep up a relationship with. I used to, but that all changed ..I have been ashamed, embarrassed, etc. to let them know what is really going on. That is one thing I think about...if I leave him I can repair those relationships and build new ones so I won't feel so isolated...have you told your AH that you are leaving and want a divorce?
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Old 05-12-2015, 01:53 PM
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Yeah, many times, did not take me seriously. Told him two weeks ago, and ended calling the local DV line because he was beyond mean. Told him half an hour ago again, could not take his play pretend niceness. He said, "I figured, you said so before." (????????) He did not cause any trouble YET. I went to the store after I told him, felt like crying. Still do. Told him for the last time I feel like he had two wives (in the marriage he denied twice for the past 6 months) and that I need time to reconsider my life. Did not mention divorce again, but I am sure "He figured. I said so before."

So this denial is somewhere along the lines, "If I close my eyes and pretend she is not there, she will go away."
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:27 PM
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You're describing very typical alcoholic thinking and behavior.
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:39 AM
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If I am understanding this, your ex-husband and your current husbands ex-wife saw things in him that you were not ready to see and your ex attempted to remove his children from the situation but lost in court.

Now you are trying to save face by remaining in the same area with the same school to eliminate issues such as “I told you so” from your ex-husband?

I’ve always found that untangling the webs we’ve weaved with straight forward honesty always makes things work out.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:37 AM
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Personally I'd move farther away so he doesn't stalk you--
You'd be amazed how "jealous" ex-whatevers can be like you are their possession.

If anything, move across town and suck it up and tell your ex-husband you're doing it.

Well done on making progress towards getting out
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