987g

I'm frustrated and upset because the RA in my life just expects me to know things. Things will happen in his life: his aunt dies, his brother is in the hospital, his ex is engaged, ect. These things happen and he won't tell me. He will instead get irritated and pick a fight or push my buttons or give me the silent treatment and then after some time, these things that are really bothering him come out. To him fighting is no big deal because he always comes back, things always work out. But to me it is a big deal. I hate fighting with people and I hardly ever get angry with people.
I got really bad anxiety after this going on for about a year so about I talked to him about (and started going to al anon) and he understands. But I feel like I'm still emotional about it all. Sometimes I feel like our emotions connect us, but other times it pushes us further from each other. I don't know what to do about these communication problems.

biminiblue

Well, I had to work on detaching from other peoples' moods. It really has nothing to do with you, and is just the way he deals with stuff. He may not even understand it himself.

987g

Yea, detachment has been a hard concept for me to learn and understand. I keep reminding myself that I am my own person with my own life and we don't have to be so intertwined. Plus, I have never met someone that has brought out so many emotions in me. I am usually a very logical person but this one person has taken my world and shaken it upside down!

NYCDoglvr

I think communication between men and women in an intimate relationship is inherently problematic because we communicate very differently. Remember Mars/Venus? I once heard the books' author, John Gay, speak at a conference. He used the example of two heterosexual men sitting at a bar: one man said to the other, "oh I really like your pants, are they new?" They other asks about his friends haircut. He showed that men never notice those things or mention them and everyone laughed.

Couples therapy?

Duckygirl1

You can detach, but that doesn't solve the problem and it's really a common problem with non alcholics as well. We all have a communication style. At times my xabf would just "do" things that I learned was his way of trying to "say " something. I'm a talking cards on the table person and that could be overwhelming to him because he hadn't processed his emotions, couldn't and would avoid or shut down. Couples therapy may help

987g

Yes I know what you mean about just doing things instead of saying them. Sometimes he will give me a grin or a wink as a way of letting me know something is ok or something similar. Like you all said it could be just a man-woman thing in general. He was snappy with me today and after talking to his male sponsor today, his attitude was better. I don't know about couples therapy since we technically aren't a couple but like I said, he was pushing me to go to al anon and after a year *I* made the decision to go.

FeelingGreat

I can see why it would bother you. He's communicating with you through silences and irritation rather than saying something's bothering him. It's more complicated that just not talking about something.

You could try naming his mood directly without getting into a fight. Something like 'You seem irritable tonight, is something bothering you?'. If he says no, make a point of doing your own thing away from him. If he tells you the problem, say nothing, offer no advice, just acknowledge what he's said. Getting it out in the open will possibly be enough to release the tension.