In DESPERATE need of advice & support :(
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
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I just called a local bookstore and asked them to hold Codependent No More for me and they will call me this week when it's in. Thank you very much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate your time. Hugs!! <3
Good for you Amanda250! This book is wonderful. I didn't think I was codependent either (and I am not saying you are). For some of us, especially in early recovery, we have a hard time telling the difference between caring and being codependent.
At any rate, I hope you enjoy the book! And if you can, give Alanon a try.
Keep coming back, keep posting
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
Needabreak
His parents have told me he tells them to tell me he loves me and that he sends love, hugs, and kisses. This obviously only holds so much weight because I'm hearing it from his mom. I want to hear it from him. I'm realizing that that's not possible right now, and I'm starting to understand more and more about what's going on. There aren't any payphones on the property and there is always someone with them (a "chaperone" of sorts, I guess.
You said "Sober living homes can be strict, but they are not jails. There isn't an electric fence with watch towers around the place." On the contrary, this particular facility is actually very strict. He can call his parents, but only them. It's not that he doesn't want to call me, it's that they don't think us being in contact right now is beneficial. Like I said, I guess they're thinking that us talking could throw off his focus and make him miss me and want to come home.
Thanks for your input and for your time! I truly appreciate it.
His parents have told me he tells them to tell me he loves me and that he sends love, hugs, and kisses. This obviously only holds so much weight because I'm hearing it from his mom. I want to hear it from him. I'm realizing that that's not possible right now, and I'm starting to understand more and more about what's going on. There aren't any payphones on the property and there is always someone with them (a "chaperone" of sorts, I guess.
You said "Sober living homes can be strict, but they are not jails. There isn't an electric fence with watch towers around the place." On the contrary, this particular facility is actually very strict. He can call his parents, but only them. It's not that he doesn't want to call me, it's that they don't think us being in contact right now is beneficial. Like I said, I guess they're thinking that us talking could throw off his focus and make him miss me and want to come home.
Thanks for your input and for your time! I truly appreciate it.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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daydreamer0217
I also started a journal when he first was away. I haven't written like that in awhile though. It was so helpful for me too, because I wasn't telling anyone about it at first because I didn't know how. Now, I'm more open about it and therefore I have more people to talk to about it. In telling others in my life, I've found people who are or have been in similar situations that I never knew about.
I'm so sorry that he and you didn't end up working out
I have very strong hope for me and my boyfriend, even though I feel so discouraged sometimes. I'm aware that things may change so much that we won't be together anymore, but I'm hoping that's not the case. I can only keep asking his parents to keep me updated and hope for the best.
Thank you so much for your support <3
I also started a journal when he first was away. I haven't written like that in awhile though. It was so helpful for me too, because I wasn't telling anyone about it at first because I didn't know how. Now, I'm more open about it and therefore I have more people to talk to about it. In telling others in my life, I've found people who are or have been in similar situations that I never knew about.
I'm so sorry that he and you didn't end up working out
I have very strong hope for me and my boyfriend, even though I feel so discouraged sometimes. I'm aware that things may change so much that we won't be together anymore, but I'm hoping that's not the case. I can only keep asking his parents to keep me updated and hope for the best.Thank you so much for your support <3
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Okay people, kindly stop sniping at each other. The _only_ acceptable posts are those that explain your _personal_ experience as is relevant to the original question.
Telling other people what is wrong with them is _not_ acceptable. I have removed all such offensive posts.
If you do _not_ have personal experience with rehab centers and their rules regarding contact with family / friends / significant others kindly refrain from posting in this thread.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.
Telling other people what is wrong with them is _not_ acceptable. I have removed all such offensive posts.
If you do _not_ have personal experience with rehab centers and their rules regarding contact with family / friends / significant others kindly refrain from posting in this thread.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery.
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Hey Amanda - there is not right or wrong way to choose a meeting.
My personal experience with Alanon started when my AH's counselor suggested I go to a meeting. He handed me a sheet with meeting dates, times, etc. I went sure - but it did take me about 6 months are so to find the right meeting and the right fit.
You just, have to go, if that makes sense.
I suggest to pick one - give it a good try - more than one meeting with that particular group. If it does not feel right then pick another one.
The beautiful part of all it is, if you don't care for the program there are plenty other programs out there.
Besides, we are here to support you as well!
My personal experience with Alanon started when my AH's counselor suggested I go to a meeting. He handed me a sheet with meeting dates, times, etc. I went sure - but it did take me about 6 months are so to find the right meeting and the right fit.
You just, have to go, if that makes sense.
I suggest to pick one - give it a good try - more than one meeting with that particular group. If it does not feel right then pick another one.
The beautiful part of all it is, if you don't care for the program there are plenty other programs out there.
Besides, we are here to support you as well!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other cool thing is that you can go to as many meetings as you like. Most people (and I think this is a great idea) choose one group as their "home group"--it's the one you will be most involved with, participating in business meetings (which are usually brief and once a month or so before or after the main meeting) to take care of any group business. You can take a commitment (like making coffee, setting up, cleaning up, etc.), which is a great way of making sure that group is there for others who need it. But you can attend any or all meetings, not just your home group's.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Thank you for the advice, I am certainly going to be more proactive about getting help for myself too. From reading everyone's replies, I think that it will absolutely be beneficial. Like I said in my reply to Duckygirl, the only reason I was hounding them last week was because he said he'd call and he didn't. Since I'm not getting a whole lot of information on everything, any chance I get to hear an update I make myself completely available. I'm not staring at my phone every moment waiting for a call, I was only doing that when I was expecting one. I am living my life without him as well..I'm enjoying work (even got a promotion), am still spending time with my friends and family, and doing things with my life. My life is full in other areas and I am actually comfortable enough with myself to be confident too. I apologize, but I have to disagree with you and say that I know that my resentment is justified.
In regards to this comment: "Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it"...I also said something similar in another reply to someone else. He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own. I consider myself his partner in life and therefore I feel like I should be very much involved.
I know I said I disagreed with you on some ideas, but I still sincerely appreciate your time and advice. I really appreciate the support and advice on moving forward. Hugs!! <3
In regards to this comment: "Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it"...I also said something similar in another reply to someone else. He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own. I consider myself his partner in life and therefore I feel like I should be very much involved.
I know I said I disagreed with you on some ideas, but I still sincerely appreciate your time and advice. I really appreciate the support and advice on moving forward. Hugs!! <3
Here's my experience, and it may or may not resonate with you.
My XAH was a great, charming man, racked by alcoholism, and today he's a shell of the guy I used to know. I've written a lot about the highlights here on SR. He attended three rehabs while I was with him, and a fourth after we had separated.
As his wife, I got very little communication from the rehabs. One (he went to twice) encouraged me to attend a family weekend, but I was unable to attend. The others were not encouraging of my direct involvement at all. They gave me minimal access to XAH precisely because he was in a controlled environment that was meant to break him of the habits and relationships that nurture his addiction. I was furious. I called a lot, I was rude to staff, I left messages with a counselor that may or may not have called me back, I was impatient with him when I was able to talk to him, and while I was glad he was getting the help he needed, I felt left out and isolated from the process. I spent a lot of time feeling disrespected and resentful that he was getting all this one-on-one attention and I had no idea what was going on with him or what to expect when he got home. His parents were in contact with him also, but they were not super forthright about what was going on.
People on SR suggested that my involvement in his rehab process probably wouldn't be that supportive or helpful, and I bristled. I'm no dummy, I'm accomplished and educated, I had some social work experience and knew how rehab worked, and I was convinced that I needed to be hands on, especially since he was about to come home to me and our kids, and I was pregnant with our daughter. I needed to know what was going on, and felt that nobody in the rehab environment took me and my needs seriously.
Nobody came outright and told me that my behavior and resentment was hallmark codependent stuff, but they did kindly suggest that I keep reading and participating here, and attend Al-Anon. Eventually, someone on SR told me directly that a normal person without codependent issues would never see an active addict as a great partner, and a normal person without codependent issues would find out their partner was an active addict and dig in and insist on helping them recover instead of backing away from what is fundamentally a dysfunctional relationship with a partner who isn't capable of emotional availability.
Rehab is not about us. It's not about the parents. It's about the addict, and the addict's addiction, and a crash course learning new ways of living that do not involve drugs and alcohol, or the people in their lives that tolerate and/or control their use of it. It's a place where the addict can put the focus s/he needs to have on his addiction so s/he can quit and take baby steps towards a functional and complete life.
People in recovery need support and love from a huge network of people that primarily includes addicts. The kind of help and support that a codependent family has to offer is often the wrong help. Today, looking back, I needed to find ways of managing my anxiety and fear that didn't involve focusing on my XAH and his addiction, and the people that were wrongly! unfairly! keeping me from him, and I needed to recognize that my worry and care for him, which was real and true, had taken the front seat, and my needs, fears, worries, and ambitions for myself had taken the back seat. By the time he had gone off to successive rehabs, I was usually relieved he was gone, and used that time as a breather, a vacation from the alcoholic chaos that he brought to my life. I left him because the roller coaster was too much, but also because the isolation and resentment I felt during his rehab time turned out to be just how he and his family operated. I found that I was frequently told half truths and untruths, that they were generally suspicious people, who would rather lie or offer platitudes than deal with conflict. In one of the rehabs, I found that XAH had removed me from the contact list because he didn't want me ratting him out to his counselor, who he was telling he was sober, and was just in rehab #4 for a refresher.
YMMV. But I wouldn't spend a lot of time justifying or explaining what's going on here -- the process and how it plays out has very little to do with you at all. You might disagree with it, but this is generally how rehabs go, and their involvement with you will be minimal.
I'll just suggest that your stated need to control how this process works is red flaggy, and also mention that learning how to lay back and let s*** play out was one of the hardest lessons for me, but also one of the most beneficial in the long term, in and out of the relationship.
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My husband was in rehab for 3 months, then he followed this up with a month of outpatient.
I just want to say Amanda - YOU are not required to do anything specific including going to any type of meeting or support group for family.
Rehabs sometimes offer support groups for family and friends. Even though you are not allowed to see your BF, they still would probably allow you to participate in family / friend sessions. If your on good terms with his parents why not ask them if the rehab has suggested support, or offered support sessions. This is what I would do first if your interested.
Also keep in mind programs for family are much like programs for our loved ones. They can be based on completely different views and perspectives about addiction and recovery. For example, Alanon is based on 12 step philosophy. Smart recovery is based on behavioral approaches. And there are other well known groups also, you just need to look around if interested.
Ive never gone to a live meeting. But I have tried an online meeting for family members over at Smart Recovery. I learned about alanon here on SR, it was recommended I go. But their philosophy doesnt agree with me so I never did. I did individual counseling which helped me a lot, and it was offered by my husbands rehab as well as family sessions with him. But I never participated in the open sessions where various families got together to share. It just wasnt my thing.
My point is, there is nothing specific you need to do. No right or wrong. I love to read and so initially I gobbled up books, biographies where people shared their stories, different views on addiction and recovery, read articles.
Im really big into communication and I like the Community Reinforcement And Family Training Approach because it focuses on self care, education of addiction, communicating with my husband, and ways to best support.
Whatever you do, I wish you well. This process shouldnt be negative for either of you. Its been over 18 months since my husbands rehab, and I look back now and we had some wonderful memories even though it was a time filled with stress. We actually grew and supported each other as we went. I had to deal with a lot of fallout from things he did and how they affected me. But going through it all, and dealing with it, it actually caused me to learn a lot about myself, and I have gained a lot of strength.
You sound very level headed, and I think your gonna be fine. So explore all the addiction stuff, but dont let it take over your life is my only one suggestion. Make time for friends, family, and fun. Keep living.
I just want to say Amanda - YOU are not required to do anything specific including going to any type of meeting or support group for family.
Rehabs sometimes offer support groups for family and friends. Even though you are not allowed to see your BF, they still would probably allow you to participate in family / friend sessions. If your on good terms with his parents why not ask them if the rehab has suggested support, or offered support sessions. This is what I would do first if your interested.
Also keep in mind programs for family are much like programs for our loved ones. They can be based on completely different views and perspectives about addiction and recovery. For example, Alanon is based on 12 step philosophy. Smart recovery is based on behavioral approaches. And there are other well known groups also, you just need to look around if interested.
Ive never gone to a live meeting. But I have tried an online meeting for family members over at Smart Recovery. I learned about alanon here on SR, it was recommended I go. But their philosophy doesnt agree with me so I never did. I did individual counseling which helped me a lot, and it was offered by my husbands rehab as well as family sessions with him. But I never participated in the open sessions where various families got together to share. It just wasnt my thing.
My point is, there is nothing specific you need to do. No right or wrong. I love to read and so initially I gobbled up books, biographies where people shared their stories, different views on addiction and recovery, read articles.
Im really big into communication and I like the Community Reinforcement And Family Training Approach because it focuses on self care, education of addiction, communicating with my husband, and ways to best support.
Whatever you do, I wish you well. This process shouldnt be negative for either of you. Its been over 18 months since my husbands rehab, and I look back now and we had some wonderful memories even though it was a time filled with stress. We actually grew and supported each other as we went. I had to deal with a lot of fallout from things he did and how they affected me. But going through it all, and dealing with it, it actually caused me to learn a lot about myself, and I have gained a lot of strength.
You sound very level headed, and I think your gonna be fine. So explore all the addiction stuff, but dont let it take over your life is my only one suggestion. Make time for friends, family, and fun. Keep living.
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I agree with BlueChair 100%. (Congrats BC to you and hubby for the 18 months!)
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Isolation, creating addict sub cultures where loved ones are labeled as sick and have little place is not the only way. And Please find time for yourself to breathe and smile a bit. By no means start labeling yourself or your behavior. Being involved and loving an addict no more makes you co dependent or an addict yourself than calling drunks sober because they are involved with sober people.
When it comes to rehabs, I like the old 60's chant "question authority". This is their 100,000 client. But he is your best friend. ((((Hugs))))
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Isolation, creating addict sub cultures where loved ones are labeled as sick and have little place is not the only way. And Please find time for yourself to breathe and smile a bit. By no means start labeling yourself or your behavior. Being involved and loving an addict no more makes you co dependent or an addict yourself than calling drunks sober because they are involved with sober people.
When it comes to rehabs, I like the old 60's chant "question authority". This is their 100,000 client. But he is your best friend. ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
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Amanda, I am sorry it didn't work out for me either. But that is not to say that I don't think it won't work for you. I believe we are all different. I only wish good things for you. I really hope it works out for you. 
hugs back at you
hugs back at you
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XA was a client is so many rehabs I lost count along the way and all of them did not permit contact with anyone other than legally married spouse or direct blood related family. At the time I strongly disagreed because like you felt I deserved contact because I personally got the man into rehab and we were "in love" and I was a type A codependent.
The rule is in place because the odds are already stacked against the addict and having a third party as an influencer who is not well versed in addiction therapy is a definite distraction. Add the emotional and sexual components and there is real risks being taken with added worries of a young relationship.
Marriages are legal contacts... A corporation actually blending two into one. Usually there are kids and many years of being together and joint assets.
You have been with this guy 2 years. Before you met he had been strung out on heroin at least twice and had relapses. For the last 5 months he has been in rehab and that is a good thing. He has 7 months to go. So doing the math you started dating approximately a year and half before he entered rehab and sometime before this he started drinking alcoholically and escalated to scary amounts daily.
I point this out for you to think about because my own XA and I fell really hard for one another while he was in recovery but within 6 months he relapsed! The first of many and I kept trying to get him sober so I could get back the Prince Charming incredible high of new love that we had together.
8 years later I see that. I wanted him to fit the mold I wanted. He did the alcoholic dance to keep me dancing with him. That included rehabs when it was the line I drew in the sand.
All he ever wanted was to drink. He could parrot and chameleon with the best of them to keep me dancing.
He just got out of rehab # 15 or 16 afew months ago. Was drunk in three weeks and was with a gal in another state taking her benzodiazepines and drinking. He went to the store with her credit card to get more booze and when he got back she had overdosed and died. He's facing possible arrest and called to see If I would bond him out.
No way.
I wish I had those eight years back and hadn't forced him into rehabs taking beds from people who want authentic recovery.
Only time will tell if your love will be one of the few who get sober and stay sober with actual authentic recovery. If I had a do over I would have stepped back and worked on me a lot sooner and figured out that the addict has to find their own way out.
Don't be discouraged. If your love is real you will meet again and can proceed with knowledge and caution. Please keep visiting. We care!
The rule is in place because the odds are already stacked against the addict and having a third party as an influencer who is not well versed in addiction therapy is a definite distraction. Add the emotional and sexual components and there is real risks being taken with added worries of a young relationship.
Marriages are legal contacts... A corporation actually blending two into one. Usually there are kids and many years of being together and joint assets.
You have been with this guy 2 years. Before you met he had been strung out on heroin at least twice and had relapses. For the last 5 months he has been in rehab and that is a good thing. He has 7 months to go. So doing the math you started dating approximately a year and half before he entered rehab and sometime before this he started drinking alcoholically and escalated to scary amounts daily.
I point this out for you to think about because my own XA and I fell really hard for one another while he was in recovery but within 6 months he relapsed! The first of many and I kept trying to get him sober so I could get back the Prince Charming incredible high of new love that we had together.
8 years later I see that. I wanted him to fit the mold I wanted. He did the alcoholic dance to keep me dancing with him. That included rehabs when it was the line I drew in the sand.
All he ever wanted was to drink. He could parrot and chameleon with the best of them to keep me dancing.
He just got out of rehab # 15 or 16 afew months ago. Was drunk in three weeks and was with a gal in another state taking her benzodiazepines and drinking. He went to the store with her credit card to get more booze and when he got back she had overdosed and died. He's facing possible arrest and called to see If I would bond him out.
No way.
I wish I had those eight years back and hadn't forced him into rehabs taking beds from people who want authentic recovery.
Only time will tell if your love will be one of the few who get sober and stay sober with actual authentic recovery. If I had a do over I would have stepped back and worked on me a lot sooner and figured out that the addict has to find their own way out.
Don't be discouraged. If your love is real you will meet again and can proceed with knowledge and caution. Please keep visiting. We care!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by daydreamer0217 
wow, hopeworks, what a story you have
He is now sober again about 2 weeks so if he pays the 30 k he owes his ex wife for child support, stays sober 50 more weeks and doesn't go to jail for the girl dying or using her credit cards then I have a hot date in Tahiti!!!
You can't make this stuff up.
That man was my soulmate.... And I never knew him. I knew the chameleon that danced a mean alcoholic dance on a roller coaster with broken tracks.
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