In DESPERATE need of advice & support :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
In DESPERATE need of advice & support :(
Hi all, thanks in advance for reading my post...I'm really in need of advice and support and I'm not sure where else to ask.
My 28 year old boyfriend of two years is currently (and has been since December 2014) at a sober living home. He had a heroin addiction seven years ago, got clean, relapsed, and was clean for six years before he turned to alcohol. His drinking became more frequent and heavier in one sitting as our relationship progressed. We have a very loving and compatible relationship, however after a year of dating, his drinking worsened and got to a point where he was drinking a fifth of liquor and four-ish beers as well every day. He hid it from me and lied, but I could always tell within seconds of seeing him if he'd been drinking at all. From what I've read on this website, what I've been through seems to be typical of those who have loved ones who are addicts...all the fighting, the hurt, the lies, the broken promises, the tears, the yelling, and just plain sadness. The same was true with our situation and I told him and his parents that he needed rehab. He needed to be in in-patient care where he had zero chances of getting his hands on any alcohol. It was the only thing we had yet to try. After Thanksgiving last year, his parents finally realized that we really did need to try rehab in order to save his life. His mom told us "We are going to ________ (I'd like to keep the name of the sober living home anonymous) tomorrow." When his parents and I were getting ready to leave him there the first day, his parents told me and my boyfriend that this was not a thirty day program, but a 10 to 12 month program. We had no time to talk about what this meant for our relationship and how we were going to handle it. The truth was kept from us both to supposedly make it easier (his parents' decision), but in my opinion, a terrible idea.
This men's-only sober living home's rules concerning me are very strict...I haven't seen or talked to my boyfriend since the end of that month, per the owner/men who work there (who are all recovered addicts themselves) for reasons that they still haven't made clear to me. From what I've pieced together, they believe that if we are allowed contact, my boyfriend will miss me too much and want to come home and lose focus on his recovery. Usually, the program dictates that family contact is limited during the first three months of living there so that they have the opportunity to fully immerse themselves in the program. They granted my boyfriend's mother's request to make an exception and allowed us to visit the day after Christmas. I guess the guys were not fully made aware that I was going to visit as well (not just his parents) and although they ended up allowing me to stay for the visit, I was told that it would be best to limit contact for the first three months. One of the guys, let's call him Joe, apologized to me when I told him I'd tried to reach out to their program to check up on my boyfriend and received no response. He told me he'd be happy to be my new contact and he wouldn't let me go not responded to again. Seeing as my boyfriend was now able to see his parents once a month, I wrote the guys an email in February asking them if my boyfriend and I could start at least writing letters to each other. No one responded. I sent another email in April, again ignored until a week later when I got a phone call. I discussed a few things with Joe and he said that he didn't see a problem with that at all and asked me to follow up with his in 2-3 weeks. I did that and surprise, surprise, no response. Almost two weeks later, I followed up with him again reminding him that he was the one who asked me to follow up with him. He said he'd speak with the owner "shortly" and then call me that afternoon. That was last Wednesday and I still haven't heard from him. SO unprofessional, rude, and not reflecting the values that they supposedly instill in the gentlemen they're trying to change the lives of.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief. Instead, I'm lonely, angry, and honestly helpless in this whole process.
Is this normal? Any words of advice for me?
Thank you so much for reading...I know it's long, but I wanted to give you background information as well so that you could get to know us a little better. And thank you in advance for your support. I really appreciate it!!
My 28 year old boyfriend of two years is currently (and has been since December 2014) at a sober living home. He had a heroin addiction seven years ago, got clean, relapsed, and was clean for six years before he turned to alcohol. His drinking became more frequent and heavier in one sitting as our relationship progressed. We have a very loving and compatible relationship, however after a year of dating, his drinking worsened and got to a point where he was drinking a fifth of liquor and four-ish beers as well every day. He hid it from me and lied, but I could always tell within seconds of seeing him if he'd been drinking at all. From what I've read on this website, what I've been through seems to be typical of those who have loved ones who are addicts...all the fighting, the hurt, the lies, the broken promises, the tears, the yelling, and just plain sadness. The same was true with our situation and I told him and his parents that he needed rehab. He needed to be in in-patient care where he had zero chances of getting his hands on any alcohol. It was the only thing we had yet to try. After Thanksgiving last year, his parents finally realized that we really did need to try rehab in order to save his life. His mom told us "We are going to ________ (I'd like to keep the name of the sober living home anonymous) tomorrow." When his parents and I were getting ready to leave him there the first day, his parents told me and my boyfriend that this was not a thirty day program, but a 10 to 12 month program. We had no time to talk about what this meant for our relationship and how we were going to handle it. The truth was kept from us both to supposedly make it easier (his parents' decision), but in my opinion, a terrible idea.
This men's-only sober living home's rules concerning me are very strict...I haven't seen or talked to my boyfriend since the end of that month, per the owner/men who work there (who are all recovered addicts themselves) for reasons that they still haven't made clear to me. From what I've pieced together, they believe that if we are allowed contact, my boyfriend will miss me too much and want to come home and lose focus on his recovery. Usually, the program dictates that family contact is limited during the first three months of living there so that they have the opportunity to fully immerse themselves in the program. They granted my boyfriend's mother's request to make an exception and allowed us to visit the day after Christmas. I guess the guys were not fully made aware that I was going to visit as well (not just his parents) and although they ended up allowing me to stay for the visit, I was told that it would be best to limit contact for the first three months. One of the guys, let's call him Joe, apologized to me when I told him I'd tried to reach out to their program to check up on my boyfriend and received no response. He told me he'd be happy to be my new contact and he wouldn't let me go not responded to again. Seeing as my boyfriend was now able to see his parents once a month, I wrote the guys an email in February asking them if my boyfriend and I could start at least writing letters to each other. No one responded. I sent another email in April, again ignored until a week later when I got a phone call. I discussed a few things with Joe and he said that he didn't see a problem with that at all and asked me to follow up with his in 2-3 weeks. I did that and surprise, surprise, no response. Almost two weeks later, I followed up with him again reminding him that he was the one who asked me to follow up with him. He said he'd speak with the owner "shortly" and then call me that afternoon. That was last Wednesday and I still haven't heard from him. SO unprofessional, rude, and not reflecting the values that they supposedly instill in the gentlemen they're trying to change the lives of.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief. Instead, I'm lonely, angry, and honestly helpless in this whole process.
Is this normal? Any words of advice for me?
Thank you so much for reading...I know it's long, but I wanted to give you background information as well so that you could get to know us a little better. And thank you in advance for your support. I really appreciate it!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: So Cal, US
Posts: 23
Amanda, have you asked his parents to ask your boyfriend if he wants you to visit? If he is voluntarily staying at the rehab facility and can apparently have visitors, he should be able to petition for visits from you. Be prepared for the possibility that he isn't ready to see you yet, recovery is a complex process with complex emotions coming to the surface. I admire your support for a guy who is struggling with addiction but remember you deserve a happy, peaceful and stable relationship too...let him do his work, encourage him, pray for him if you are so inclined. Best wishes in all of this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief. Instead, I'm lonely, angry, and honestly helpless in this whole process.
he didn't got to rehab to fix YOU. whatever you feel now - you own. he is in a LONG term treatment program and his REASON for being there is to learn how to turn OFF his addiction and learn to live life on life's terms.
he has to learn to live by the RULES.....and so do you.
why not just trust the process? let things play out. more will be revealed.
he didn't got to rehab to fix YOU. whatever you feel now - you own. he is in a LONG term treatment program and his REASON for being there is to learn how to turn OFF his addiction and learn to live life on life's terms.
he has to learn to live by the RULES.....and so do you.
why not just trust the process? let things play out. more will be revealed.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I know you feel lonely and stressed. Take a step back though, this is what he needs... Addiction is lifelong, for him, 10-12 months out of a lifetime is nothing... It's a pause to work on himself.
You can use this as a pause in the relationship to work on yourself also. Figure out you and why you would choose a mate who lies and makes you feel sad. That doesn't mean that you give up or leave him, it just means you too are each making yourselves healthy.
You can use this as a pause in the relationship to work on yourself also. Figure out you and why you would choose a mate who lies and makes you feel sad. That doesn't mean that you give up or leave him, it just means you too are each making yourselves healthy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
If this is the best thing for him at the moment, then it is probably for the best that you let him be.
The people that work at this place, obviously feel this is in your boyfriend's best interests... Maybe they have seen this before and are trying to maintain the best recovery environment for him.
It does sound frustrating not being able to know when you will next talk to him but maybe it will be good for you to take the focus off of him and onto yourself for a while. You have probably been so focused on him and his problem that this might be exactly what you need.
The people that work at this place, obviously feel this is in your boyfriend's best interests... Maybe they have seen this before and are trying to maintain the best recovery environment for him.
It does sound frustrating not being able to know when you will next talk to him but maybe it will be good for you to take the focus off of him and onto yourself for a while. You have probably been so focused on him and his problem that this might be exactly what you need.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with the others--relationships often ARE a distraction in early sobriety. And it sounds like this guy was in pretty bad shape, so it takes a lot of time and focus to completely rebuild yourself from the inside out.
I'd suggest you take advantage of this time to do your own healing. Maybe get busy with Al-Anon and some of the personal things you've no doubt let slide during the craziness of being in a relationship with an addict. At this point, his rehab period is close to the halfway mark. Hopefully it is helping him. It won't be that much longer till he's out, and that will be an adjustment for both of you. Best that you're well-equipped for it.
I'd suggest you take advantage of this time to do your own healing. Maybe get busy with Al-Anon and some of the personal things you've no doubt let slide during the craziness of being in a relationship with an addict. At this point, his rehab period is close to the halfway mark. Hopefully it is helping him. It won't be that much longer till he's out, and that will be an adjustment for both of you. Best that you're well-equipped for it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
I agree with other posters here - you should use all this energy you have trying to "find out" about him and focus on your recovery.
As others mentioned, Alanon is a great place to start. I would also suggest reading the book Codependent No More.
Only you can set yourself free of this "burden".
It will not be easy and I wish you all the best with YOUR recovery program!
As others mentioned, Alanon is a great place to start. I would also suggest reading the book Codependent No More.
Only you can set yourself free of this "burden".
It will not be easy and I wish you all the best with YOUR recovery program!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I understand why it feels very unfair. Its really clear that they do not encourage contact with significant others. There is a reason for this.
It may be a hard pill to swallow but perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem. Getting sober needs to be his only focus. Maybe seeing you makes him want to leave, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he gets sad, maybe a lot of things.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief.
He IS getting help. I encourage you to read through the stories here of SO's and what they go through when their partner is recovering. The feelings are the same as yours - feeling left out. Nothing about alcoholism is "happy" so to speak even when they choose to get sober the recovery process is very, very difficult. The happiness for choosing sobriety is there, the relief is there. The picture of recovery is not one of a couple that is holding hands in walking into the sunset. That comes AFTER a program not during.
It may be a hard pill to swallow but perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem. Getting sober needs to be his only focus. Maybe seeing you makes him want to leave, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he gets sad, maybe a lot of things.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief.
He IS getting help. I encourage you to read through the stories here of SO's and what they go through when their partner is recovering. The feelings are the same as yours - feeling left out. Nothing about alcoholism is "happy" so to speak even when they choose to get sober the recovery process is very, very difficult. The happiness for choosing sobriety is there, the relief is there. The picture of recovery is not one of a couple that is holding hands in walking into the sunset. That comes AFTER a program not during.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly.
This is why it is often suggested that the loved one seek help as well.
Codependency goes with addiction and can be detrimental to ones recovery from addiction.
You are fixated on the “relationship” where he needs to be fixated on “his recovery”. HIS - as in alone all by himself with himself to fix HIMSELF.
Recovery from addiction isn’t a “WE” thing it’s a “ME” thing.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I agree that the most important thing here is his recovery. If he is choosing to not see you, you have to respect that. But if you or his parents have any misgivings about the rehab, you can investigate. My xabf's rehab was on lock down and under investigation for 6 mons due to mismanagement, violence, drugs and a list of shenanigans and its one of the biggest names in the country. Many people are criminals mandated to rehab who have no desire to do anything but ride out their time.
Just because the people running it are recovering addicts themselves that does not make them the best people for the job. My cancer doctor didn't have to have cancer to know what I needed and provide professional support. To get a casac certificate in NY one only needs a GED and 250 hrs of work experience. They seem very unprofessional when failing to communicate with you. Even if they only want to say "don't call" at least you'd be clear on the situation. I visited a rehab when I was looking for inpatient for my daughters addiction. The people were nice, but they wanted to take her off of her meds cold turkey (bi polar) right away. They seemed to have no concept of the danger they were putting her in. Needless to say, we left. We found one where she kept her meds, was weened off slowly and was never cut off from her family. We could call everyday if we had to. She's clean, sober and stable. Still has her days, but is doing great.
There are many good reliable rehabs that don't cut off significant people who are not triggers or harmful to the recovering addict. Those rehabs are more science based and are more up to date with the latest information on brain chemistry and psychology. This cutting off from the outside world is based on the old religious retreat model. That model is not always appropriate, nor does it adequately prepare the addict for the real world once they get better. Recovery may be a me thing, but life is a we thing. It's the normie life that they have to adjust to. Too many in recovery remain selfish and self centered thinking that all of the "service" that they do for their groups while ignoring the needs of their families somehow counts.
In the mean time , this is a chance for you to heal. Please look into the subject of co dependency. You may or MAY NOT, be co dependent. If you look and the characteristics of co dependacy , everyone in the world is co dependent. What we are searching for is healthy interdependence. The problems occur when we try to become interdependent with unhealthy people who can't connect because of the addiction.
I don't agree that the pain we feel at being cut off suddenly from the ones that we love is being "fixated" on the person or relationship. Of course you're hurt and confused, who wouldn't be? It seems to be the MO of the addict who can't attach to anything except the DOC to be able to walk away effortlessly. You are experiencing grief at the loss of someone who meant a lot to you. Very normal.
That said, he may or may not come back to you. He may come back so radically diffrent that the relationship will end anyway. He may come back and relapse again going even further down the drain. You have to prepare for life without him. That's not a bad thing at all though it doesn't feel that way now. If the relationship ends and you move on, the time you take to heal may prevent you from becoming involved with another addict.
You took the time to be his friend. You loved the unlovable. You got him help when he needed it most and if that isn't love I don't know what is. Now take the time to be your own friend, love yourself unconditionally and get yourself help now that you need it the most. ((((Hugs))))
Just because the people running it are recovering addicts themselves that does not make them the best people for the job. My cancer doctor didn't have to have cancer to know what I needed and provide professional support. To get a casac certificate in NY one only needs a GED and 250 hrs of work experience. They seem very unprofessional when failing to communicate with you. Even if they only want to say "don't call" at least you'd be clear on the situation. I visited a rehab when I was looking for inpatient for my daughters addiction. The people were nice, but they wanted to take her off of her meds cold turkey (bi polar) right away. They seemed to have no concept of the danger they were putting her in. Needless to say, we left. We found one where she kept her meds, was weened off slowly and was never cut off from her family. We could call everyday if we had to. She's clean, sober and stable. Still has her days, but is doing great.
There are many good reliable rehabs that don't cut off significant people who are not triggers or harmful to the recovering addict. Those rehabs are more science based and are more up to date with the latest information on brain chemistry and psychology. This cutting off from the outside world is based on the old religious retreat model. That model is not always appropriate, nor does it adequately prepare the addict for the real world once they get better. Recovery may be a me thing, but life is a we thing. It's the normie life that they have to adjust to. Too many in recovery remain selfish and self centered thinking that all of the "service" that they do for their groups while ignoring the needs of their families somehow counts.
In the mean time , this is a chance for you to heal. Please look into the subject of co dependency. You may or MAY NOT, be co dependent. If you look and the characteristics of co dependacy , everyone in the world is co dependent. What we are searching for is healthy interdependence. The problems occur when we try to become interdependent with unhealthy people who can't connect because of the addiction.
I don't agree that the pain we feel at being cut off suddenly from the ones that we love is being "fixated" on the person or relationship. Of course you're hurt and confused, who wouldn't be? It seems to be the MO of the addict who can't attach to anything except the DOC to be able to walk away effortlessly. You are experiencing grief at the loss of someone who meant a lot to you. Very normal.
That said, he may or may not come back to you. He may come back so radically diffrent that the relationship will end anyway. He may come back and relapse again going even further down the drain. You have to prepare for life without him. That's not a bad thing at all though it doesn't feel that way now. If the relationship ends and you move on, the time you take to heal may prevent you from becoming involved with another addict.
You took the time to be his friend. You loved the unlovable. You got him help when he needed it most and if that isn't love I don't know what is. Now take the time to be your own friend, love yourself unconditionally and get yourself help now that you need it the most. ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
I agree with ducky 100% . when you are suddenly cut off from someone you love , it hurts and it is a painful process. one day you are together and literally the next you aren't and all communication is ended. That is harsh. that is a tremendous loss and a grieving process is expected. I would think. and they can so easily move on... it hurts to the core. I am so sorry . I will say this: what the others have said is right, just do some fun stuff for you. the time will be over before you knowit and you 2 can either start all over again, or be friends, or move on. But right now do something that makes you happy, anything to smile. much love to you. hugs <3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Best advice I've seen here is for the partner to get individual counseling and/or start attending Al-Anon meetings while your partner is. If you expect to be together and be a real support to him when he is out, you will need it.
Anvil says, "why not just trust the process? let things play out. more will be revealed."
Totally agree. When my ex went to rehab after rehab, they had the structure of these places set up so they couldn't always have one foot at home -- the home that nurtured their addiction, a place of the old ways, where they're trying to learn the new. I could not call him. I could not expect a daily or weekly call. He should be so busy in rehab that he doesn't have time to pine over you. Meanwhile, your life should be full enough, and you confident enough in yourself, that you aren't waiting for the phone to ring.
Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it.
Anvil says, "why not just trust the process? let things play out. more will be revealed."
Totally agree. When my ex went to rehab after rehab, they had the structure of these places set up so they couldn't always have one foot at home -- the home that nurtured their addiction, a place of the old ways, where they're trying to learn the new. I could not call him. I could not expect a daily or weekly call. He should be so busy in rehab that he doesn't have time to pine over you. Meanwhile, your life should be full enough, and you confident enough in yourself, that you aren't waiting for the phone to ring.
Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Flo- she has a right to be a tad resentful. When we are treated with disrespect as she has been by this rehab, it's normal. No need to look real deep and do soul searching, labeling, over analyze and inventories. She's been kicked, it hurts, no mas.
It's like you love and support as well as you can if not always wisely and you're told by the so-claimed experts "because we said so, that's why, now go away and get thee to al a non" like we're small children. No one would resent a loved one getting help. Perhaps we don't have to understand it or be involved, but when the time is over, they may come back to us and we may live with them. They will bring their new values, ideas, attitudes and sobriety with them. Hopefully to the betterment of all involved because their counselors were good and the place safe. If the counselors are bad and the place does no good or harm. They will bring that back through the door too.
Home may not have nurtured the addiction. This idea that they always come from sick families is false. Some have underlying mental illness, some get caught up having "fun" while young and get hooked. We all have choices.
It's like you love and support as well as you can if not always wisely and you're told by the so-claimed experts "because we said so, that's why, now go away and get thee to al a non" like we're small children. No one would resent a loved one getting help. Perhaps we don't have to understand it or be involved, but when the time is over, they may come back to us and we may live with them. They will bring their new values, ideas, attitudes and sobriety with them. Hopefully to the betterment of all involved because their counselors were good and the place safe. If the counselors are bad and the place does no good or harm. They will bring that back through the door too.
Home may not have nurtured the addiction. This idea that they always come from sick families is false. Some have underlying mental illness, some get caught up having "fun" while young and get hooked. We all have choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I dont blame you for being resentful. You were basically cut off, misled by his parents, lied to by the people at the rehab who say one thing but their actions show another. There is nothing wrong with your reactions IMO.
My husbands rehab was not like this at all. They encouraged family involvement. Had time everyday where myself, his parents, other close relations could come by if we wanted, and we could talk everyday by phone. Cant live life in a bubble of rehab. Family and loved ones are usually made a significant part of the process from my experience because family will be huge support when he comes home.
As a girlfriend not sure what Id do seeing there is no way to talk to him and know his overall feelings. I feel for ya!
My husbands rehab was not like this at all. They encouraged family involvement. Had time everyday where myself, his parents, other close relations could come by if we wanted, and we could talk everyday by phone. Cant live life in a bubble of rehab. Family and loved ones are usually made a significant part of the process from my experience because family will be huge support when he comes home.
As a girlfriend not sure what Id do seeing there is no way to talk to him and know his overall feelings. I feel for ya!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
NYC, I think what she meant was that him going to rehab was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was happy and felt relief when my xabf went away too. I had no delusion that it would be easy, but i looked forward to the new start. Of course that all went down the drain. The important thing IS that BOTH partners heal and move on if they have to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
LivingItUp
He is voluntarily staying at the facility and can be visited and make phone calls to family only. Since we aren't married, I'm not considered family, therefore unable to keep in contact with him...he does not have a say in it. Last month, his mom told me that he thinks about walking away because he misses me so much. I know that he is going through so much and it's very difficult emotionally too...I've thought about the possibility of things changing (i.e. his feelings for me) and him being a completely different person personality-wise. Thank you very much for your thoughts and wishes. Hug!! <3
AnvilheadII
I know that he didn't go to fix me, but I feel like I've been broken down in this process because of how everything has unfolded. I WANT to live by the rules, but they won't talk to me, so how am I supposed to know what the rules are? They've told me they don't think it's a good idea to see each other, but they haven't told me why. I've never experienced addiction in a loved one before, so I'm starting at the very beginning. In the times I tried reaching out out to them, I've tried asking what I can do, but since they won't respond, it's difficult. Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my first email:
"I know that limited contact is necessary so that he can focus on his recovery and not be distracted. My intentions are not to make things for difficult for him or for you, but I'd love to figure out a way that we can communicate a little bit more. On the very first day, I was told that after the first thirty days or so we'd be able to have more contact so I'm hoping that we're at a place where that can happen now.
I am very open to your suggestions and promise to stay within your set parameters. If we talk about what triggers to avoid, I feel like he and I could talk every now and then without affecting his recovery negatively. I know I'm not immediate family, but I do love him very much and I want him to know that I'm still here. I think if we were able to communicate more, it would benefit us both immensely."
I would love to trust the process, but how do you trust something you don't know too much about?
Thank you too for your advice and input. I sincerely appreciate your time! Hug!! <3
Tamerua
You're right. This 10-12 months is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of his life. I have already taken time to work on myself and have noticed growth in myself since the day we left him there. I will continue to find more about myself and get to know myself even better so that this time that he's away is beneficial for me too.
Thank you very much for your time and input. I sincerely appreciate it! Hugs!! <3
Maybear
I know that the people who work there probably know what's best for him, however it's so frustrating to me that they keep me in the loop. I'm not contacting him often at all. Like I mentioned in the original post, he asked me to follow up with him after we spoke and I did. He said he'd call several times and has neglected to follow through with his own words That's why I'm upset.
You're right too about this being a great time to work on myself, which I have. Again, I've noticed growth in myself and haven't lost sight of staying healthy (mentally too) also...I sincerely appreciate your time and advice. Thank you! Hugs!! <3
LexieCat
Lexie, after reading more, I'm starting to see how relationships are a distraction and can make things more difficult for the addict trying to recover. Like I've mentioned, this is my first time having an addict so close in my life, so I'm still trying to figure it out.
I will definitely look into Al-Anon and continue to work on myself as well. You mentioned the inevitable adjustment that will be necessary for the both of us when he comes back home...any advice or heads up there? Or where to start with Al-Anon? I'm anxious about that. Thanks in advance! I really appreciate your time. Hugs!! <3
knowthetriggers
I do not believe that I'm codependent. I just want to know how he's doing and since I feel like I was a huge proponent of him getting the help he's receiving now, the fact that I'm so left out of this healing process is frustrating. I'm largely upset at the WAY this has all happened...I know that the main point is that he is getting the help he needs, but I truly feel that the way the men at the facility have kept me out and been so unreliable is hard. I know my relationship with my boyfriend and knowing that he's so worried about me (as his mom has told me) is difficult too. I feel that if we were able to at least write each other letters, I can show him that I'm managing and actually growing and benefitting from this process as well. I know that if he knew I was taking care of myself (financially and mentally), then he could stop worrying about me and focus on his recovery.
I just called a local bookstore and asked them to hold Codependent No More for me and they will call me this week when it's in. Thank you very much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate your time. Hugs!! <3
Refiner
Thank you for your input. I'll be reading Codependent No More as soon as the bookstore I called lets me know that it's in stock this week. Thanks again for your time. Hugs!!I understand why it feels very unfair. Its really clear that they do not encourage contact with significant others. There is a reason for this.
It may be a hard pill to swallow but perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem. Getting sober needs to be his only focus. Maybe seeing you makes him want to leave, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he gets sad, maybe a lot of things.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief.
redatlanta
I will definitely read more of the stories here..I'm still trying to even figure out the website and navigate through it
I'm know that this is such a difficult process for him. When I said I was happy about it, I meant that I was happy that he was finally getting the help that he needed. I knew it wasn't going to be easy judging by the rough time we had because of alcoholism before he starting living at the facility.
In regards to the whole "perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem" part, again I have a problem with the man who said it wouldn't be a problem. I asked for us to be able to write letters to each other. That's when he asked me to follow up with him 2-3 weeks from them. When I did (through texting - his preferred method of communication), he said "I don't think he's ready to start calling yet," but that's not even what I asked for. Clearly we're not on the same page and I desperately want to be. Just to be on the same page. I'm not asking for phone calls every week, but rather a letter maybe once a month. If it was my boyfriend who was the one who was requesting the space, then can't they just tell me that? A part of the problem in the communication is the lack of follow up...it seems like they just don't want to deal with me.
Thank you so very much for your time and input. Honestly. Your words are a huge comfort to me. "The picture of recovery is not one of a couple that is holding hands in walking into the sunset. That comes AFTER a program not during." (loved this part that you said) Hugs!! <3 <3
atalose
Yes, he is getting help but I'm upset at the way it all happened. I love and care about him so much that of course I want to be a part of his recovery like his parents are. It's hard for me to sit back and not be a part of the healing process when I was the one fighting with him, who saw him incredibly intoxicated every day when I came home from work, who found all hidden alcohol. All those things are obviously negative, but that's not all. At the same time, I was also the one who slept next to him every night (mad at each other or not), who he went to eat with, who he watched tv at home with...isn't your significant other supposed to be your best friend? And when that's ripped away from you (mixed in with the truth being kept about the duration of the program and the lack of communication from the men who run the place), it does leave me feeling resentful and I truly feel that it's justified.
I definitely am looking into help for myself in my area and hoping to speak with someone about it all for ME soon.
I'm "fixated" on the relationship because I don't know where we stand and because we weren't even given a chance to talk about what being in rehab meant for our relationship. Like I said, until the minute we left him there my boyfriend and I were under the impression that this was a 30 day program - we had no idea that it'd be for close to a year instead.
He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own.
Thank you for your input and time. I really appreciate it!
Duckygirl1
Your words have helped me more than I can even express. Thank you for seeing everything from my perspective..you're spot on about everything.
First and foremost, I'm very sorry to hear about your battle with cancer and I hope that everything is okay now.<3
Thank you for understanding my frustration with the facility. I feel like they way they've been handling it has made it more difficult for me than it should've been. I know I'm not the one who is recovering, but I'm hurting too. You said, "Even if they only want to say "don't call" at least you'd be clear on the situation" and that's exactly what I'm thinking. The only reason I was hounding them last week was because he said he'd call and he didn't. Since I'm not getting a whole lot of information on everything, any chance I get to hear an update I make myself completely available. I'm not staring at my phone every moment waiting for a call, I was only doing that when I was expecting one.
I am waiting on Codependent No More to be in stock in a couple of days, so I'm definitely going to give that a read. If you have any other suggestions on addiction for my case, I'd be so grateful. Thanks for saying "may or MAY NOT be codependent"...to be truthful, I didn't take others here who suggested that I was very well. I strongly believe that neither my boyfriend or I are codependent, but since I haven't had much experience in this space, I'm more than willing to take a look at anything.
I feel like I want to say so much more to you, but at the same time, I feel like there's nothing to say because you said everything I was feeling already. To know that someone out there seems to know exactly what I'm feeling is the biggest comfort. I know I'm not crazy, but I know the men at the inpatient facility think I am. The sole fact that you were able to relate and explain some of what I was feeling so well (basically justifying everything I'm feeling) has brought me to a milestone. My thoughts are shifting and understanding everything better and I, myself, have made the largest amount of progress mentally from reading your post. I really needed that.
Just so you know, these are some of my favorite things you said:
- "Too many in recovery remain selfish and self centered thinking that all of the "service" that they do for their groups while ignoring the needs of their families somehow counts. "
-"You may or MAY NOT, be co dependent. If you look and the characteristics of co dependacy , everyone in the world is co dependent. What we are searching for is healthy interdependence. The problems occur when we try to become interdependent with unhealthy people who can't connect because of the addiction. "
-The last two small paragraphs of the first post
-"...she has a right to be a tad resentful. When we are treated with disrespect as she has been by this rehab, it's normal. No need to look real deep and do soul searching, labeling, over analyze and inventories. She's been kicked, it hurts, no mas. "
-Actually the entire second post too
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Duckygirl. I appreciate your words, advice, support so much. Thank you for taking the time to write so extensively. Hugs!! <3 <3 <3
daydreamer0217
Thank you very much for understanding and empathizing with me. I also feel like you understand what I'm feeling. I'm so, so appreciative for your kind words and for your support and hope!! Sending so much love right back to you. Hugs!! <3 <3 <3
Florence
Thank you for the advice, I am certainly going to be more proactive about getting help for myself too. From reading everyone's replies, I think that it will absolutely be beneficial. Like I said in my reply to Duckygirl, the only reason I was hounding them last week was because he said he'd call and he didn't. Since I'm not getting a whole lot of information on everything, any chance I get to hear an update I make myself completely available. I'm not staring at my phone every moment waiting for a call, I was only doing that when I was expecting one. I am living my life without him as well..I'm enjoying work (even got a promotion), am still spending time with my friends and family, and doing things with my life. My life is full in other areas and I am actually comfortable enough with myself to be confident too. I apologize, but I have to disagree with you and say that I know that my resentment is justified.
In regards to this comment: "Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it"...I also said something similar in another reply to someone else. He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own. I consider myself his partner in life and therefore I feel like I should be very much involved.
I know I said I disagreed with you on some ideas, but I still sincerely appreciate your time and advice. I really appreciate the support and advice on moving forward. Hugs!! <3
BlueChair
Thank you so much for the comfort. His parents are allowed interaction, only I'm not. I so completely agree that family and loved ones play a large role in the process..I like that you said it was because we were the ones who would be here for support when he comes back home (our home). Thanks for the empathy and for your advice. I appreciate your time!! And also, thanks for all the information in the personal message! Unfortunately, I don't have a say in the facility he's at, so he will stay at the one he's at currently. His parents are communicating with him and are seeing him at least once a month now, so they aren't coming from where I am anymore (like during the first three months where his parents and I both couldn't speak with or see him). Since his parents' communication has progressed, I don't think they have a problem with the place anymore...only me
Hugs!! <3
NYCDoglvr
Duckygirl is right...I meant that him finally getting help was a relief to me and a positive thing. I never thought that the actual process was going to be easy, but I was happy to know that he was at least TRYING to get his life back on track now. I know that this is a difficult process for everyone involved. Thank you so much for your input and the big hug. I need it! Hug for you <3
He is voluntarily staying at the facility and can be visited and make phone calls to family only. Since we aren't married, I'm not considered family, therefore unable to keep in contact with him...he does not have a say in it. Last month, his mom told me that he thinks about walking away because he misses me so much. I know that he is going through so much and it's very difficult emotionally too...I've thought about the possibility of things changing (i.e. his feelings for me) and him being a completely different person personality-wise. Thank you very much for your thoughts and wishes. Hug!! <3
AnvilheadII
I know that he didn't go to fix me, but I feel like I've been broken down in this process because of how everything has unfolded. I WANT to live by the rules, but they won't talk to me, so how am I supposed to know what the rules are? They've told me they don't think it's a good idea to see each other, but they haven't told me why. I've never experienced addiction in a loved one before, so I'm starting at the very beginning. In the times I tried reaching out out to them, I've tried asking what I can do, but since they won't respond, it's difficult. Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my first email:
"I know that limited contact is necessary so that he can focus on his recovery and not be distracted. My intentions are not to make things for difficult for him or for you, but I'd love to figure out a way that we can communicate a little bit more. On the very first day, I was told that after the first thirty days or so we'd be able to have more contact so I'm hoping that we're at a place where that can happen now.
I am very open to your suggestions and promise to stay within your set parameters. If we talk about what triggers to avoid, I feel like he and I could talk every now and then without affecting his recovery negatively. I know I'm not immediate family, but I do love him very much and I want him to know that I'm still here. I think if we were able to communicate more, it would benefit us both immensely."
I would love to trust the process, but how do you trust something you don't know too much about?
Thank you too for your advice and input. I sincerely appreciate your time! Hug!! <3
Tamerua
You're right. This 10-12 months is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of his life. I have already taken time to work on myself and have noticed growth in myself since the day we left him there. I will continue to find more about myself and get to know myself even better so that this time that he's away is beneficial for me too.
Thank you very much for your time and input. I sincerely appreciate it! Hugs!! <3
Maybear
I know that the people who work there probably know what's best for him, however it's so frustrating to me that they keep me in the loop. I'm not contacting him often at all. Like I mentioned in the original post, he asked me to follow up with him after we spoke and I did. He said he'd call several times and has neglected to follow through with his own words That's why I'm upset.
You're right too about this being a great time to work on myself, which I have. Again, I've noticed growth in myself and haven't lost sight of staying healthy (mentally too) also...I sincerely appreciate your time and advice. Thank you! Hugs!! <3
LexieCat
Lexie, after reading more, I'm starting to see how relationships are a distraction and can make things more difficult for the addict trying to recover. Like I've mentioned, this is my first time having an addict so close in my life, so I'm still trying to figure it out.
I will definitely look into Al-Anon and continue to work on myself as well. You mentioned the inevitable adjustment that will be necessary for the both of us when he comes back home...any advice or heads up there? Or where to start with Al-Anon? I'm anxious about that. Thanks in advance! I really appreciate your time. Hugs!! <3
knowthetriggers
I do not believe that I'm codependent. I just want to know how he's doing and since I feel like I was a huge proponent of him getting the help he's receiving now, the fact that I'm so left out of this healing process is frustrating. I'm largely upset at the WAY this has all happened...I know that the main point is that he is getting the help he needs, but I truly feel that the way the men at the facility have kept me out and been so unreliable is hard. I know my relationship with my boyfriend and knowing that he's so worried about me (as his mom has told me) is difficult too. I feel that if we were able to at least write each other letters, I can show him that I'm managing and actually growing and benefitting from this process as well. I know that if he knew I was taking care of myself (financially and mentally), then he could stop worrying about me and focus on his recovery.
I just called a local bookstore and asked them to hold Codependent No More for me and they will call me this week when it's in. Thank you very much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate your time. Hugs!! <3
Refiner
Thank you for your input. I'll be reading Codependent No More as soon as the bookstore I called lets me know that it's in stock this week. Thanks again for your time. Hugs!!I understand why it feels very unfair. Its really clear that they do not encourage contact with significant others. There is a reason for this.
It may be a hard pill to swallow but perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem. Getting sober needs to be his only focus. Maybe seeing you makes him want to leave, maybe he feels guilty, maybe he gets sad, maybe a lot of things.
This place has put such a terrible taste in my mouth and it infuriates me because I wanted him to get help so badly. My boyfriend getting help and learning how to live without being dependent on alcohol was supposed to be a positive and happy relief.
redatlanta
I will definitely read more of the stories here..I'm still trying to even figure out the website and navigate through it
I'm know that this is such a difficult process for him. When I said I was happy about it, I meant that I was happy that he was finally getting the help that he needed. I knew it wasn't going to be easy judging by the rough time we had because of alcoholism before he starting living at the facility.
In regards to the whole "perhaps it is your boyfriend who has made this choice as the man told you it shouldn't be a problem" part, again I have a problem with the man who said it wouldn't be a problem. I asked for us to be able to write letters to each other. That's when he asked me to follow up with him 2-3 weeks from them. When I did (through texting - his preferred method of communication), he said "I don't think he's ready to start calling yet," but that's not even what I asked for. Clearly we're not on the same page and I desperately want to be. Just to be on the same page. I'm not asking for phone calls every week, but rather a letter maybe once a month. If it was my boyfriend who was the one who was requesting the space, then can't they just tell me that? A part of the problem in the communication is the lack of follow up...it seems like they just don't want to deal with me.
Thank you so very much for your time and input. Honestly. Your words are a huge comfort to me. "The picture of recovery is not one of a couple that is holding hands in walking into the sunset. That comes AFTER a program not during." (loved this part that you said) Hugs!! <3 <3
atalose
Yes, he is getting help but I'm upset at the way it all happened. I love and care about him so much that of course I want to be a part of his recovery like his parents are. It's hard for me to sit back and not be a part of the healing process when I was the one fighting with him, who saw him incredibly intoxicated every day when I came home from work, who found all hidden alcohol. All those things are obviously negative, but that's not all. At the same time, I was also the one who slept next to him every night (mad at each other or not), who he went to eat with, who he watched tv at home with...isn't your significant other supposed to be your best friend? And when that's ripped away from you (mixed in with the truth being kept about the duration of the program and the lack of communication from the men who run the place), it does leave me feeling resentful and I truly feel that it's justified.
I definitely am looking into help for myself in my area and hoping to speak with someone about it all for ME soon.
I'm "fixated" on the relationship because I don't know where we stand and because we weren't even given a chance to talk about what being in rehab meant for our relationship. Like I said, until the minute we left him there my boyfriend and I were under the impression that this was a 30 day program - we had no idea that it'd be for close to a year instead.
He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own.
Thank you for your input and time. I really appreciate it!
Duckygirl1
Your words have helped me more than I can even express. Thank you for seeing everything from my perspective..you're spot on about everything.
First and foremost, I'm very sorry to hear about your battle with cancer and I hope that everything is okay now.<3
Thank you for understanding my frustration with the facility. I feel like they way they've been handling it has made it more difficult for me than it should've been. I know I'm not the one who is recovering, but I'm hurting too. You said, "Even if they only want to say "don't call" at least you'd be clear on the situation" and that's exactly what I'm thinking. The only reason I was hounding them last week was because he said he'd call and he didn't. Since I'm not getting a whole lot of information on everything, any chance I get to hear an update I make myself completely available. I'm not staring at my phone every moment waiting for a call, I was only doing that when I was expecting one.
I am waiting on Codependent No More to be in stock in a couple of days, so I'm definitely going to give that a read. If you have any other suggestions on addiction for my case, I'd be so grateful. Thanks for saying "may or MAY NOT be codependent"...to be truthful, I didn't take others here who suggested that I was very well. I strongly believe that neither my boyfriend or I are codependent, but since I haven't had much experience in this space, I'm more than willing to take a look at anything.
I feel like I want to say so much more to you, but at the same time, I feel like there's nothing to say because you said everything I was feeling already. To know that someone out there seems to know exactly what I'm feeling is the biggest comfort. I know I'm not crazy, but I know the men at the inpatient facility think I am. The sole fact that you were able to relate and explain some of what I was feeling so well (basically justifying everything I'm feeling) has brought me to a milestone. My thoughts are shifting and understanding everything better and I, myself, have made the largest amount of progress mentally from reading your post. I really needed that.
Just so you know, these are some of my favorite things you said:
- "Too many in recovery remain selfish and self centered thinking that all of the "service" that they do for their groups while ignoring the needs of their families somehow counts. "
-"You may or MAY NOT, be co dependent. If you look and the characteristics of co dependacy , everyone in the world is co dependent. What we are searching for is healthy interdependence. The problems occur when we try to become interdependent with unhealthy people who can't connect because of the addiction. "
-The last two small paragraphs of the first post
-"...she has a right to be a tad resentful. When we are treated with disrespect as she has been by this rehab, it's normal. No need to look real deep and do soul searching, labeling, over analyze and inventories. She's been kicked, it hurts, no mas. "
-Actually the entire second post too
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Duckygirl. I appreciate your words, advice, support so much. Thank you for taking the time to write so extensively. Hugs!! <3 <3 <3
daydreamer0217
Thank you very much for understanding and empathizing with me. I also feel like you understand what I'm feeling. I'm so, so appreciative for your kind words and for your support and hope!! Sending so much love right back to you. Hugs!! <3 <3 <3
Florence
Thank you for the advice, I am certainly going to be more proactive about getting help for myself too. From reading everyone's replies, I think that it will absolutely be beneficial. Like I said in my reply to Duckygirl, the only reason I was hounding them last week was because he said he'd call and he didn't. Since I'm not getting a whole lot of information on everything, any chance I get to hear an update I make myself completely available. I'm not staring at my phone every moment waiting for a call, I was only doing that when I was expecting one. I am living my life without him as well..I'm enjoying work (even got a promotion), am still spending time with my friends and family, and doing things with my life. My life is full in other areas and I am actually comfortable enough with myself to be confident too. I apologize, but I have to disagree with you and say that I know that my resentment is justified.
In regards to this comment: "Really look at this resentment you're feeling. He's getting the help he needs -- you don't have to understand it or be involved in it"...I also said something similar in another reply to someone else. He's not recovering on his own...he's doing it with the support of his parents and brother (who he's allowed to contact) and the guys at the facility, where they emphasize the importance of helping each other get their lives back on track. A brotherhood. It's clear that I'm not very experienced in this, but I disagree that recovery isn't a "WE" thing...I feel like it's very much so a "WE" thing because he needs the support of people who love him to get better. We all need support from loved ones all the time, even if we aren't in recovery. I believe that's what family, friends, and significant others are for. I'm in for the long haul and I'm not going to let him do this on his own. I consider myself his partner in life and therefore I feel like I should be very much involved.
I know I said I disagreed with you on some ideas, but I still sincerely appreciate your time and advice. I really appreciate the support and advice on moving forward. Hugs!! <3
BlueChair
Thank you so much for the comfort. His parents are allowed interaction, only I'm not. I so completely agree that family and loved ones play a large role in the process..I like that you said it was because we were the ones who would be here for support when he comes back home (our home). Thanks for the empathy and for your advice. I appreciate your time!! And also, thanks for all the information in the personal message! Unfortunately, I don't have a say in the facility he's at, so he will stay at the one he's at currently. His parents are communicating with him and are seeing him at least once a month now, so they aren't coming from where I am anymore (like during the first three months where his parents and I both couldn't speak with or see him). Since his parents' communication has progressed, I don't think they have a problem with the place anymore...only me
Hugs!! <3
NYCDoglvr
Duckygirl is right...I meant that him finally getting help was a relief to me and a positive thing. I never thought that the actual process was going to be easy, but I was happy to know that he was at least TRYING to get his life back on track now. I know that this is a difficult process for everyone involved. Thank you so much for your input and the big hug. I need it! Hug for you <3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
it is such a roller coaster. I started a blog when all of this started with me, I had no outlet, no way to express myself. The hardest part of all of this ( for me ) was all I ever wanted was for him to get sober, I never realized that him getting sober meant that our lives together would be over ( whatever life with an alcoholic can be ) I thought he would get sober and we would live happily ever after. I know it is so much more than that. It hurts me still, every single day that we are not together, but I am thankful he is sober. I wish you the best. I really hope you stay in touch. It is so hard for those of us that are "left" behind . I think there needs to be a lot more resources for those of us that are left to fend for ourselves. we are the forgotten ones. I wish you the best
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
