johnno1

Since my ah has admitted to having a drinking problem, it has come to me pretty clear how alcohol has changed me over the years towards him such as:
Passive aggressive
Manipulating
Ungrateful of all the good my husband does
Unloving
Unappreciative

This is where my ah sees why his drinking has got to be a problem bc of me I've become and am a horrible wife. I hate myself for this.

How can I love him again and forgive and forget all the other ****. He is such a loving husband and has given me everything I wish I could b grateful of this. Is his drinking as bad as I've made it out to be?

amandamarie

It is hard not to hold things against people who have hurt you, but also it is not fair to not give him credit for the good he does do. It is not your fault he drinks though. You just have to try to remember to thank him every now and then. Maybe if you give him praise he will see you are making an effort, and he will put in more effort to.

LexieCat

Assuming you've been/done those things (and I think we've all been "guilty" of some or all of those in the course of reacting to the insanity of an alcoholic relationship), NOTHING you've done caused him to drink. It doesn't matter what he says about it, that isn't the way alcoholism works.

At some point you may make an amends to him for any part you played in conflict in your relationship, but let go of any notion that you are responsible for his drinking. That is completely his deal.

johnno1

Thanks I can almost justify I do those things when he is drunk totally but I am all these things when he is sober too, he isn't mean and nasty and grumpy he is kind and generous to me, I am those things end of. So I guess it's hard for him to be married to such a wife. It's so clear to me now. I can take some blame. He's always wanted to drink and has and to some extent I can see why bc I'm not loving and appreciative of him I always hold on to the past hold on to anger hold on and resent him. So yea I feel alot of it is my fault but how the hack do I change?? I want to let go .

fairlyuncertain

You did not cause anyone to develop a problem with alcohol.

Al anon really helped me see what was mine, and what belonged to the alcoholics/problem drinkers in my life. In my mind, it was a huge tangled mess. I gradually untangled the threads, tidied up the ones that were mine, and let others take care of their part as they saw fit.

But it was only after I'd taken care of my part that I could see what was theirs. Marriage is tough. Alcoholism is a nightmare for the drinker, and for the family. Put alcoholism and marriage together, and it can be heartbreaking. There are a lot of support groups out there, and the forums here. Some people have found answers in therapy.

I wish you the best of luck!! Problems with alcohol or drugs in a family or friend are not your fault.

FireSprite

I was all those things once too, and I was pretty shocked when that awareness hit me. I was an incredible martyr as well.

Working on my recovery stopped the majority of that behavior (I am definitely guilty of relapsing); it's ugly & unproductive once I saw it for what it was. Truth is that I'm a far better manipulator than RAH ever has been, I put much more thought into every little thing & it works against me in ways like this.

So, you can decide to fix those things about yourself (assuming they are true), but that has nothing to do with him drinking. Or stopping drinking, for that matter.

healthyagain

I would add controlling as my problem and passive aggressive. But I am not sure that his drinking got worse because you were such a horrible wife or anything like that. God no. We might be so called "provokers," our reactions can give them an excuse, but even when we learn how to control ourselves, drinking still gets worse. And someone has to be blamed for that, usually the person closest to them.

I'm really sorry, but some things simply cannot be your fault.

schnappi99

I get a "pedestal" vibe from the OP, where she is making judgements about herself and her role along with him and his. My recovery is thru Alanon and I have spent the 1st year or so learning how to stop making judgements about me or her- it is so easy for me to think I know what I'm talking about. I think an inappropriately negative view of self is as destructive as an inappropriately positive one. Its a bad scene to be hating oneself, please go easy johnno.. I would propose kindness to others starts with kindness to self.

maybear

Hi johnno,
Have you read about the 'bargaining' stage of grief? When you are coming to let go and accept a painful situation sometimes you will find any reason, justification not to make it real. Even blaming yourself. Because the reality is so painful to accept.

Relationships aren't made up of two perfect people. You don't need to be perfect to have a good healthy relationship. Don't fall into the trap of telling yourself if you did xyz things would be different. You certainly didn't cause your husband's drinking problem. He would be drinking with or without you.

Of course it's good to reflect on our own problems and how they are contributing to our relationships, but don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and see it as a lesson learnt.

My guess is that all those things that you are feeling, are probably reactions out of resentment towards your husband.

LexieCat

johnno, you've said before that he hides in the shed and drinks, that his drinking is affecting your children, that the way he drinks makes you unhappy. You've said he says mean, cruel things to you. And blaming you for his drinking falls into that category.

A short time ago you were talking about Al-Anon. What's stopping you? If you want to really SEE what's going on--what parts are yours to own, what parts are his, then Al-Anon is a great way to do that. It's just as ridiculous for you to claim everything is your fault as it is to blame everything on him and his drinking.

Alcoholism--whether you're the drinker or the partner of one--distorts reality. Nobody sees anything for what it really is. Both of you are in denial about what's true. You can't do anything about HIS ability to see clearly, but you CAN do something about yours.

Please check into Al-Anon. You are punishing yourself needlessly.

johnno1

Yes great kindness yes I get this.
Thank u all, l totally get the drink is totally his prob nothing to do with me that's his deal.
but It is very damn scary realizing the negative ways in which I have reacted with! I've always played the victim poor me but this time I'll keep going to meetings learn more about myself and wk the steps.
It's so scary but no doubt I'm thinking only better can come from this realization. My ah will be thankful I'm at least admitting it.

Liveitwell

I could say all the same things about myself-and have. I started working on ME years ago-regardless of what he did bc I NEEDED help-I had turned into someone that was all the things you stated-unloving, blaming, manipulator, angry. So angry. I do not downplay my faults in my marriage failing but am categorically not that person anymore. I've rebuilt myself and my life to ensure I'm safe and my kids are safe-unfortunately that does not and will never include my ex unless he gets substantial treatment and has years of recovery and starts making good choices. It is a decision each day to start over abd become who God wants us to be-but we alone decide which choices we make. I look back on the person I turned into and it's not pretty BUT it drove me to get better, see reality for what it is and take care of myself and our children. It's his job to take care of himself-nobody elses, and as of now he is choosing to not get better and live in his denial and dysfunction. His choice. It is painful owning our faults-I admitted years ago and have many times since to my now ex what I had turned into. With true remorse. He continues to drink. So be it. That's his choice. Please make the choice to get better-there is a light at the end of the tunnel (trust me-I read that a year or so ago and just laughed-yeah right, what do these people know about my pain!). It works if you work it. Peace to you!!!!!!

Liveitwell

Johnno-by the way, I understand the unappreciative part-I had sympathy for years and still to this day appreciate what my ex did-however that well runs dry when weekly or sometimes nightly it was shattered with verbal abuse, lies, crazy scary things and violence. When it impacts my kids? Game over. I was negatively impactin my oldest daughter with my actions too and was teaching her to be codependent, enable and to not stick up for herself and take abuse. I ceased that years ago and have worked very hard to break the chains of addiction in my family, for them. There are no secrets in this house and we call a thing a thing-no matter who likes it or doesn't like it. Living in reality is good.

guava

My Alanon meeting last week focused on the 4 Ms: managing, manipulating, mothering and martyrdom. Everyone in the room that night identified with those at some point in their relationship with their alcoholic. It sounds from your post that you see some of those characteristics in your dealing with your AH too.

I have so much to work on in my own recovery that sometimes it seems overwhelming so right now I'm just focusing on looking at the 4 Ms. That seems doable to me. Identifying these behaviors in myself is the first step. Then I can try to change them.

That said...that really has nothing to do with my XAH and everything to do with me. Remember the 3 Cs are just as important...your behaviors are absolutely NOT causing him drink.

(((Hugs)))

johnno1

Thanks so much everyone your responses all help hugely I'll get there I'll get it let it go let God. I'll have a really good read of this later.
It's just very hard for me , I know I never caused him to drink.

I guess the reason I acted like that was bc of his drinking. I blame him.

And he knows he drinks too much and now wants to finally stop bc I said I'm leaving and he knows he has increased a bit. he has never wanted to stop before 1 reason being I'm hard work so he think f it and drinks. So i guess he blames me.

It's a horrible cycle of blame!

maybear

You being 'hard work' is not the reason he drinks, it's the excuse he makes. There is a big difference.

Even if you were 'hard work', grown ups and non alcoholics deal with their issues and feelings in better ways. Talking about it, going to counselling, reflecting on their own behaviours (like you are doing but unfortunately it sounds like you are the only one.)

Seren

I think it's pretty amazing when we realize there are things about ourselves that we do not like, do not find appealing or that we want to change. I have things about my personality that I'm wrestling with at the moment, too! As others have said, none of that has anything to do with your husband's drinking.

If you believe your husband is really working hard at recovery, making improvements in his communication and interactions with you, but you still cannot forgive him or let go of what has happened in the past--that's not fair to either of you. It's not fair that he should keep having to hear about what happened in the past, and it's not fair that you should keep walking around in fear of what may happen in the future.

It really is up to you, and you are the only one who can answer this question: Do you think you will be able to forgive and move forward with the marriage or do you think that you will always harbor resentments about the past?

happybeingme

So, he blames you for his drinking and you blame your negative behavior on his drinking. Looks like the drinking is the problem.

I am sure drinking aside your husband is not perfect. Don't take all the blame .

healthyagain

You know, I firmly believe that his drinking did make some bad aspects of my personality come out, as I said before, being passive aggressive, controlling, yelling, impatient, but what I've learned is that back then I simply did not have any skills to deal with the problem, so the beast was coming out on regular basis. And you can bet that this beast of mine was adding fuel to the fire. But in no way was I a bad wife. I was absolutely ready to do anything for him, but I saw alcoholism as a betrayal. It was like cheating.

But if you are willing to learn, if you accept that you are powerless indeed, that this is a disease with a very bad outcome if not treated, you will change and learn to control yourself. To be a better person. To tell yourself, "Hey, I cannot say that, that is mean, that is passive aggressive, that is below the belt. I do not have right to do that." It is almost like growing up.

But the most liberating is when you can tell yourself, "This is not my problem. I do not have to participate. I am not obliged to cover up. I do not have to be his partner in crime. I can walk away." Then there is no need for beast to come out. You are not fighting. You are just accepting and eventually know exactly what to do.

SadInTX

johnno1: thank you so much for starting this thread...I can relate to this too. My AH points out things I say or do...I listen and think to myself, "wow, I am really like that"? So I want to do better. But it gets harder when it is every day...."you didn't answer me right away...it took me three times to ask the same question before you answered...why are you being passive aggressive?". I tell him I have to think about what I am going to say because he is going to find something wrong with it...I know I have issues: I am angry, frustrated, sad, controlling...but coming here helps...I feel like you all understand...I talk to a close friend and that helps...I bought an adult coloring book and started that this week (I love it)....when I was in Alanon before I remember hearing, "you have to clean your side of the street. you have no control of their side"...