lucybb

I went to my second AlAnon meeting last week and am wondering if they are generally like this. The first 20 minutes was everyone taking turns reading every sign, every step, every tradition etc. plus reading from a book. Then we were given a Tradition to discuss so we spent the rest of the meeting talking about how great it is that no non-AA material is distributed or read at the meetings. I was hoping for some support and discussion about having an A in your life and how to cope with that but it was all administrative talk - I'm new and I really don't care if the reading materials are official ones or not. Please tell me not all groups are like this.

knowthetriggers

Hi lucybb -

From my personal experience not all meetings are the same. If you have different meetings I would suggest to try another group. Perhaps this group is just not the "right fit".

Honestly, it took me about 6 months to a year to find the right group for me. But I am glad I never gave up looking because they helped me tremendously!

Don't give up!!

LexieCat

Sounds like you were at a "Step and Tradition meeting." Different groups have different focuses, and many groups will have at least an occasional meeting devoted to a step or to a tradition.

Try a different group, or go back to that one and ask for a clarification of the format. What you are looking for right now, would be a "discussion" meeting or a "speaker/discussion" meeting. Someone at the meeting you attended should be able to recommend one.

LexieCat

Incidentally, the Steps and Traditions are not "administrative" matters. The Steps ARE the Al-Anon program, and the Traditions govern how the groups themselves operate.

One of the old-timers at one of my AA meetings used to say, "The Steps will keep you from committing suicide, and the Traditions will keep you from committing homicide."

honeypig

Now THAT is funny, and true!

As Lexie says, the Steps and Traditions really are the heart of Alanon. But you know what? You sometimes have to get a ways down the recovery trail to see that--when you're fresh into Alanon and in a frenzy of worry and a snarl of pain, they just don't seem pertinent in any way. I sure felt like that, at least.

Like you, I wanted to talk directly about what was going on in my life, w/my A--I wanted to address things much more specifically and personally than what was being done in the meetings. It took a while before I could begin to understand how the stuff we talked about at meetings applied to me and my situation. And I have to admit, even now w/a bit over 2 years in Alanon, I sometimes get impatient w/the reading of the Steps and Traditions and want to get on to the "real" meeting...

Anyway, as others have said, you might find a format that works better for you at a different meeting. Unfortunately, the meeting that we find most useful isn't always the one that's the closest to home or the most convenient time. Some meetings are largely newcomers, and it can be hard to find any serious experience, strength and hope. Some meetings are largely old-timers, who sometimes don't remember what it was like to be new and crazed. Some meetings can be so large as to be unwieldy unless they are very well managed. Some are so small as to offer limited viewpoints.

But each one will have something useful about it--it's just a matter of finding which one has what you need right now. The odds are good that it's out there, but it may take you several tries. And I'm sure you've heard that you should try 6 different meetings before deciding that Alanon isn't for you, right?

Another thing you may find helpful is to talk to people outside of the actual meeting time--come early to help set up, or stay late to help put things away. Get a phone list and call a member who impresses you w/their serenity and wisdom. Meet a member for coffee and chat. All of these are ways you can get into more personal matters and get some direct feedback.

I hope you keep on trying. For me, the combo of SR and Alanon is just the right mix. While I feel like I've learned a lot, I also know I have a long way to go--but I feel like it's all possible, you know? It can be done. I hope you come to feel that way too, by whatever path works for you.

Duckygirl1

That's what my meetings were mostly like, then they got bogged down for a month on discussing what constituted cross talk and how that wasn't a fast rule and if we could vote to drop it. I dropped the group, got all of the books and read on my own. Honestly, this forum has been more help than any al a non meeting. I felt that the SMART program was really about ME working it out for myself.

thotful

When a new member arrives (1st-3rd meeting), we will often ask at least one member to describe what brought them to Al-Anon and what keeps them coming back. The person then summarizes their entire experience with AL-Anon. From beginning to end, and where they are now. The intent is for the new member to get a general sense of what it's about.

We often ask for burning desires as well (aside from whatever the topic might be, such as a step or tradition). This is a door to open for a member that has something to get off their chest. Sometimes new members take the opportunity to speak about their frustration. Sometimes not.

After the meeting, I will also ask the new member if they had any questions. I believe just after the meeting is a time where cross-talk is appropriate. I offer some Al-Anon materials and make suggestions - share my experience.

For me, some meeting formats didn't work, and others did. Or, the particular day is relevant as well.

I wish you the best in finding what works for you. You're not alone!

I personally agree with you. The sharing of experience is what you're looking for (someone willing to talk about the hidden, the silent, the hush/hush taboo stuff - so you can have a place to safely investigate your feelings). Some of what is said you'll like, and some you just won't (I take what I like, and leave the rest). This includes what I'm writing here.

Reading on this forum, you will find a lot of personal experience. You might find some that hits right at your heart.

Best to you.

puffy

I really clicked with SMART recovery. Everyone is different. Explore other type meetings if you can.