Boundaries
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Boundaries
I set hard boundaries with my XABF. When we were living together it was no drinking at home. That backfired, he would disappear drinking and not come back till the morning. He pushed me too far and I kicked him out.
He then stopped drinking for a few weeks and started again with a vengeance, stopped again for 5 months - always on his own, no AA or any other support.
This last time he started, I stuck to my boundaries as usual, I would have nothing to do with him when he was drunk, or having near my kids.
This January he withdrew completely, just wanted to be left in peace to drink.
I stuck to my guns, after 3 years he was gone. He has a new life he says. He is happy, he wants to be free to do as he pleases - ie. drink.
Anyone else out there who set hard boundaries to then have thrown back in their face. He says I 'lost' him a long time ago when I kicked him out of the house. I will not compromise, so it's my fault he has gone.
Fact is I want nothing to do with an alcoholic, he says he is a functioning alcoholic and no one else but me has a problem with it.
He then stopped drinking for a few weeks and started again with a vengeance, stopped again for 5 months - always on his own, no AA or any other support.
This last time he started, I stuck to my boundaries as usual, I would have nothing to do with him when he was drunk, or having near my kids.
This January he withdrew completely, just wanted to be left in peace to drink.
I stuck to my guns, after 3 years he was gone. He has a new life he says. He is happy, he wants to be free to do as he pleases - ie. drink.
Anyone else out there who set hard boundaries to then have thrown back in their face. He says I 'lost' him a long time ago when I kicked him out of the house. I will not compromise, so it's my fault he has gone.
Fact is I want nothing to do with an alcoholic, he says he is a functioning alcoholic and no one else but me has a problem with it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like your boundary worked just fine. You don't have active alcoholism in your life, which is what you wanted, supposedly.
The boundary only "backfired" to the extent you were using it as a way to control him. Boundaries are for YOU, not for the alcoholic. He is free to respect those boundaries or not, and it's up to you to enforce your boundary by doing something to protect yourself--in this case, by kicking him out.
Whether he's happy or not (and he probably isn't as happy as he's claiming, as long as he's continuing to drink) has nothing to do with whether you did the right thing or not. Nor does anyone else's opinion of whether he has a problem. YOU had a problem with it, and you took action. That's the right thing.
The boundary only "backfired" to the extent you were using it as a way to control him. Boundaries are for YOU, not for the alcoholic. He is free to respect those boundaries or not, and it's up to you to enforce your boundary by doing something to protect yourself--in this case, by kicking him out.
Whether he's happy or not (and he probably isn't as happy as he's claiming, as long as he's continuing to drink) has nothing to do with whether you did the right thing or not. Nor does anyone else's opinion of whether he has a problem. YOU had a problem with it, and you took action. That's the right thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
You enforced your boundaries, and that is great. He had problems with them, so he is gone. "No one else" means he sticks with people who do not mind his drinking. With time, as his drinking progresses, the number of people tolerating his drinking will get smaller and smaller. And with time, he may not be high-functioning alcoholic anymore.
It is not your fault. It is your victory. He picked alcohol over you, and he is gone. Good for you and good for your kids.
It is not your fault. It is your victory. He picked alcohol over you, and he is gone. Good for you and good for your kids.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Sunsun,
Having hard boundaries saved you a world of pain. No children with him. You didn't get married so your financial status was not hit with loss of work, DUI or worse. You retained your own housing. You are independent.
Three years later he claims to be a functional A. Not really a prize I'd be mourning over as a lost life mate. Being a functional A is just a stop-over in a likely descent into Dante's Inferno.
Having hard boundaries saved you a world of pain. No children with him. You didn't get married so your financial status was not hit with loss of work, DUI or worse. You retained your own housing. You are independent.
Three years later he claims to be a functional A. Not really a prize I'd be mourning over as a lost life mate. Being a functional A is just a stop-over in a likely descent into Dante's Inferno.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Nice to hear it from you guys. Perspective is the gift you give me.
They are my boundaries. They come straight from my gut, screaming at me. I believe it's my HP, and I listen.
Still, I find it incomprehensible how an A will lose the very thing most people, seek, treasure and value.
It must be pretty horrible being them.
They are my boundaries. They come straight from my gut, screaming at me. I believe it's my HP, and I listen.
Still, I find it incomprehensible how an A will lose the very thing most people, seek, treasure and value.
It must be pretty horrible being them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I think he would say those things (no one else has a problem with it, he is happy etc etc) to maintain his denial and protect his drinking.
If he makes you the problem then he gets to drink!
Hopefully he will learn (or not) one day that the drinking is the problem but don't hold your breath. You did the right thing, the best thing for you and your kids. It's a shame he didn't come to the party but it's his life. I think it's easy to make boundaries with the intention of hopefully catapulting someone into swift action, but the more I read on these boards and the more I watch my own situation unfold the more I learn that that doesn't always happen.
Just think of the way life feels without all the worry, anger and chaos of loving with him. That's how you know you've done the right thing.
If he makes you the problem then he gets to drink!
Hopefully he will learn (or not) one day that the drinking is the problem but don't hold your breath. You did the right thing, the best thing for you and your kids. It's a shame he didn't come to the party but it's his life. I think it's easy to make boundaries with the intention of hopefully catapulting someone into swift action, but the more I read on these boards and the more I watch my own situation unfold the more I learn that that doesn't always happen.
Just think of the way life feels without all the worry, anger and chaos of loving with him. That's how you know you've done the right thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
You didn't have anything backfire. You gave yourself the gift of not living with an active and deeply in denial addict. My xabf's "friends" never had a problem with his drinking or drugging either because they were as wasted as he was. As soon as he made an attempt to get sober, the so called friends disappeared. Your guy is not happy, he's delusional and insane. Three years is a long time. Give yourself time to grieve. Learn all you can and start to rebuild the life that you want with healthy people. You and your kids are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Agreed with everyone else. You set your boundaries, you refused to have an active addict in your life, and you now are free to live your life. Your boundary didn't backfire at all unless you were hoping that by setting your boundary he would get sober, If this is the case you were trying to control his behavior and your motives, while understandable, frankly you were misguided in what you thought you might achieve when you set that boundary.
I have been in recovery now for over a year and honestly ANY alcoholic get gets sober for anyone other than THEMSELVES winds up being a dry drunk, or they ultimately relapse. My husband set the same boundary and I chose sobriety BUT... I was angry, bitter, resentful, and on the verge of a relapse until there was a crack in the clouds and I choose to stay sober for MYSELF. Now I am making headway.
You can set boundaries on drinking but you cannot control inner motivations of an alcoholic nor can you control the choices they make. Yes being an alcoholic is no picnic. I will say however that as my husband is very involved in Al-Anon and listens to lots of speaker tapes by members while we are driving my perception is that many friends and family are as deeply addicted to managing other peoples behavior as alcoholics are to alcohol. I can't say that these folks that have told their stories from the friends and family side seem to have been very happy people prior to focusing on themselves and their own lives.
Peace,
I have been in recovery now for over a year and honestly ANY alcoholic get gets sober for anyone other than THEMSELVES winds up being a dry drunk, or they ultimately relapse. My husband set the same boundary and I chose sobriety BUT... I was angry, bitter, resentful, and on the verge of a relapse until there was a crack in the clouds and I choose to stay sober for MYSELF. Now I am making headway.
You can set boundaries on drinking but you cannot control inner motivations of an alcoholic nor can you control the choices they make. Yes being an alcoholic is no picnic. I will say however that as my husband is very involved in Al-Anon and listens to lots of speaker tapes by members while we are driving my perception is that many friends and family are as deeply addicted to managing other peoples behavior as alcoholics are to alcohol. I can't say that these folks that have told their stories from the friends and family side seem to have been very happy people prior to focusing on themselves and their own lives.
Peace,
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Sunsun 
Nice to hear it from you guys. Perspective is the gift you give me.
They are my boundaries. They come straight from my gut, screaming at me. I believe it's my HP, and I listen.
Still, I find it incomprehensible how an A will lose the very thing most people, seek, treasure and value.
It must be pretty horrible being them.
They are my boundaries. They come straight from my gut, screaming at me. I believe it's my HP, and I listen.
Still, I find it incomprehensible how an A will lose the very thing most people, seek, treasure and value.
It must be pretty horrible being them.
A healthy individual doesn't give up family relationships, employment, freedom, health and ultimately life itself in order to be able to consume alcohol.
You protected yourself and your children. I did the same. Nothing backfired or blew up in my face except my false hopes and fantasies and unrealistic expectations.
That was my disease, and I am grateful to be in recovery through my Alanon program and counseling.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Thank you all. It was horrible while trying to make it work with the A. It took me a long while to work out that he was an addict and then to learn what that meant. It's Alanon that taught me about detaching and boundaries.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm glad he has found a group of people that don't have a problem with his alcoholism!! That's fantastic! Bowel movements in public, falling down, being inappropriate my goodness he sounds divine.
I'm sure they are probably drunks themselves. Birds of a feather flock together.
I'm sure they are probably drunks themselves. Birds of a feather flock together.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Sunsun
Thank you all. It was horrible while trying to make it work with the A. It took me a long while to work out that he was an addict and then to learn what that meant. It's Alanon that taught me about detaching and boundaries.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Yeah, "I lost him" he says when I kicked him out of the house and worked on detaching from that day on.
The people he drinks with are lonely men who's life revolves round booze, and the odd woman no doubt. They fleece him for hundreds of pounds/dollars (currency irrelevant) every day - I saw a receipt a few months ago for over £250 on drinks alone in one day, he goes for days without eating, so it's all booze.
The pub loves him - kerching! - his 'new best friends' have welcomed him with open arms.
He has to keep functioning at work to keep funding this lifestyle.
He knows I know all of this now, I have educated myself to the max, I'll not go near him, the village the pub is in, the people he drinks with.
He is angry because he cannot hide behind the thin veneer of "respectability" he showed me at the beginning, and I refused to play ball on any level.
I think it's really sad...he is a very intelligent man and at 56 he is on the knife edge of tipping into an ever shrinking world and an ever growing void.
Nothing I can do...
The people he drinks with are lonely men who's life revolves round booze, and the odd woman no doubt. They fleece him for hundreds of pounds/dollars (currency irrelevant) every day - I saw a receipt a few months ago for over £250 on drinks alone in one day, he goes for days without eating, so it's all booze.
The pub loves him - kerching! - his 'new best friends' have welcomed him with open arms.
He has to keep functioning at work to keep funding this lifestyle.
He knows I know all of this now, I have educated myself to the max, I'll not go near him, the village the pub is in, the people he drinks with.
He is angry because he cannot hide behind the thin veneer of "respectability" he showed me at the beginning, and I refused to play ball on any level.
I think it's really sad...he is a very intelligent man and at 56 he is on the knife edge of tipping into an ever shrinking world and an ever growing void.
Nothing I can do...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Sunsun
Thank you all. It was horrible while trying to make it work with the A. It took me a long while to work out that he was an addict and then to learn what that meant. It's Alanon that taught me about detaching and boundaries.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
I set the boundaries because my gut told me to. As the extent and progression of the disease was revealed the harder I set the boundaries.
The A invested a lot of energy hiding his addiction and trying to look normal. It took a while to piece together the pieces of the puzzle.
The clearer the picture became, the more his truth was revealed, the harder my boundaries,the more he distanced himself. He knew I knew...and he knows I know about all the blackouts, binges, fights, brawls, losing control of his bowels in public, falling out of pubs, being inappropriate with other women.
Maybe what looks like an attempt to control by a normie is in fact the normie working with one set of values and one life language and the A a completely opposed language and values. It takes a while for one to get the picture of the other. My A had an agenda from day one, it took me some time to work it out. Car crash waiting to happen.
I can so relate to everything you are saying. I set hard boundaries too.
He hid it from me for a long time. It took ,e ages to figure it out just like you said and even longer to know what that meant.
I know, he knows I know. I am probably the only person who actually does know the extent of it. He doesn't like that. The more I saw, and the stronger I became with my boundaries, the more he distanced himself.
Sometimes it still feels really sad. However you guys on here keep me firmly planted in reality and focused on the future - MY future, rather than off in some fantasy.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I haven't taken time to read all the other posts yet, so I hope this isn't redundant.
If your XABF was anything like my separated mate, he was already "gone" before he was gone. You and I both, apparently, were unwilling to put up with their bodies being present while the rest of them had checked out.
Herein lies the essence of our issues with the drinker. What they put into their bodies isn't the problem, it is how they CHANGE and leave us!
If your XABF was anything like my separated mate, he was already "gone" before he was gone. You and I both, apparently, were unwilling to put up with their bodies being present while the rest of them had checked out.
Herein lies the essence of our issues with the drinker. What they put into their bodies isn't the problem, it is how they CHANGE and leave us!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 43
Glad you're here, SunSun. I hear so much of my story in yours. Especially the part, "he says he is a functioning alcoholic and no one else but me has a problem with it." Scary stuff. I'm happy for you and the boundaries you placed. I hope I will find the courage to enact such boundaries sooner than later. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
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