wife of an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
wife of an alcoholic
I am a wife of an alcoholic. I am looking for input or listen to experience that people have about this topic i am about to present in my life right now.
A little history first,
I met my husband when i was 13 years old. We dated on an off and eventually got married at 18 before he joined the army. He served for 4 years and got out. He has always been a heavy drinker since he was 16 years old. but after he got out of the army he progressively got worse. His body was needing more to get the same effects and eventually his body needed it to function his everyday life so he didn't get the shakes, or withdrawals. I nagged, threatened, complained for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last year i became very angry with him, call him names, nagg.....and eventually started coming home and not really talking to him because he was always drunk.. i wouldn't show him affection very often. it was hard to even say i love you back (even though i did). I have been affected very much so by the neglect i was feeling from him. In my eyes, he was choosing alcohol over his family and it hurt me so much. when he drank all the time he would still try to love on me, say i love you all the time. writing this i look back and i do regret the hurtful things i have done to him. But then i know i have been hurt by his lies of constantly telling me that day would be his last day drinking....that he will stop on his own.
We have been married now for a little over 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter.
He finally decided to go to treatment, through the VA so its not a nice facility, he has been there 45 days. I did a 180 turn with him now that he is sober. I love him, i love that he is sober now. He is my best friend and i have known him practically my whole life! I am very supportive and loving of his recovert. i try to let him know i love him so much even though all these years he felt like i didn't. But i did.
The first couple weeks into treatment he was loving back with me. i felt like our connection was getting stronger and that we were finaly going to be ok.....but the 3rd week into his treatment i started to notice him distancing himself from me. i noticed he was connecting with the people there and not connecting with me and his daughter anymore. he started to stop showing me affection when he came to visit the 3 different times. I asked him what is going on, and now he is telling me he doesn't know if we will work out. That he is confused and weird-ed out by my love for him. He has been saying this the last few weeks. I have been very hurt by this. I think about his recovery there and i havent been included in one single thing with the recovery. Not a counseling session, not a family program. nothing. I ask him if there is anything . . . and he tells me there isnt anything for me....that this recovery is about only himself. we had a couples counseling set up and he cancelled it. never rescheduled it.
Im very confused because how is he suposed to get his life on track sober with his family and work, if myself and his daughter arnt included. I understand our past...him drinking all the time...and me not being so loving.... and i tell him this is about moving forward into the future. a healthy future with our beautiful daughter. and i told him that i loved him, but i was hurt and that i need help to.
My question for those of you who have experience is that, why could this be happening?? or maybe if this has happened to you . . . where are you at now in life with the recovered? what happened in the end? what advice do you have? I'm so lost. I finally seeked for a counselor for myself and i am hoping he will go with me if he wants to. to help us connect and love one another again. I just love him so much and i dont understand. He is still in treatment. was supposed to get out a couple days ago but decided he wanted to stay there longer. He is scared to get out. please help with any advice or share any experience you may have had.
thank you
Me
A little history first,
I met my husband when i was 13 years old. We dated on an off and eventually got married at 18 before he joined the army. He served for 4 years and got out. He has always been a heavy drinker since he was 16 years old. but after he got out of the army he progressively got worse. His body was needing more to get the same effects and eventually his body needed it to function his everyday life so he didn't get the shakes, or withdrawals. I nagged, threatened, complained for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last year i became very angry with him, call him names, nagg.....and eventually started coming home and not really talking to him because he was always drunk.. i wouldn't show him affection very often. it was hard to even say i love you back (even though i did). I have been affected very much so by the neglect i was feeling from him. In my eyes, he was choosing alcohol over his family and it hurt me so much. when he drank all the time he would still try to love on me, say i love you all the time. writing this i look back and i do regret the hurtful things i have done to him. But then i know i have been hurt by his lies of constantly telling me that day would be his last day drinking....that he will stop on his own.
We have been married now for a little over 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter.
He finally decided to go to treatment, through the VA so its not a nice facility, he has been there 45 days. I did a 180 turn with him now that he is sober. I love him, i love that he is sober now. He is my best friend and i have known him practically my whole life! I am very supportive and loving of his recovert. i try to let him know i love him so much even though all these years he felt like i didn't. But i did.
The first couple weeks into treatment he was loving back with me. i felt like our connection was getting stronger and that we were finaly going to be ok.....but the 3rd week into his treatment i started to notice him distancing himself from me. i noticed he was connecting with the people there and not connecting with me and his daughter anymore. he started to stop showing me affection when he came to visit the 3 different times. I asked him what is going on, and now he is telling me he doesn't know if we will work out. That he is confused and weird-ed out by my love for him. He has been saying this the last few weeks. I have been very hurt by this. I think about his recovery there and i havent been included in one single thing with the recovery. Not a counseling session, not a family program. nothing. I ask him if there is anything . . . and he tells me there isnt anything for me....that this recovery is about only himself. we had a couples counseling set up and he cancelled it. never rescheduled it.
Im very confused because how is he suposed to get his life on track sober with his family and work, if myself and his daughter arnt included. I understand our past...him drinking all the time...and me not being so loving.... and i tell him this is about moving forward into the future. a healthy future with our beautiful daughter. and i told him that i loved him, but i was hurt and that i need help to.
My question for those of you who have experience is that, why could this be happening?? or maybe if this has happened to you . . . where are you at now in life with the recovered? what happened in the end? what advice do you have? I'm so lost. I finally seeked for a counselor for myself and i am hoping he will go with me if he wants to. to help us connect and love one another again. I just love him so much and i dont understand. He is still in treatment. was supposed to get out a couple days ago but decided he wanted to stay there longer. He is scared to get out. please help with any advice or share any experience you may have had.
thank you
Me
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi wife and welcome to SR I'm sry for what brings you here, though. I don't have any direct experience but have read here how many times husbands in rehab tend to "hookup" in rehab. I hope that isn't the case for you and wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you. I have had my suspicions of that actually. I'm sure it's easy for them to connect to somebody who are like themselves. It's painful to imagine. But your right, could be a possibility. Thank you for your input.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Unfortunately nothing you are going through is uncommon. Many people once they get sober look at their lives and realize they have no idea if the life they had is the life they still want. Having an alcoholic partner prevents growth and development in the relationship.
I am sorry there is no family counseling at this facility. It's an important part of recovery for the family. You should start attending. A program yourself like Al-Anon, celebrate recovery or rational recovery.
I am sorry there is no family counseling at this facility. It's an important part of recovery for the family. You should start attending. A program yourself like Al-Anon, celebrate recovery or rational recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It's possible that this early in sobriety, he's not comfortable with all the emotions his recovery is dredging up. He's dealing with decades of feelings that have been numbed down with alcohol. He might not be ready for marriage counseling right now, especially if he's worried about being shamed or blamed for the issues in the marriage.
I second the suggestion to look into some Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings for yourself. As much as it seems like every issue you have is because of his drinking, that simply isn't the case. You had your part in the unpleasantness, and the best way to support him is to do some work on you.
I second the suggestion to look into some Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings for yourself. As much as it seems like every issue you have is because of his drinking, that simply isn't the case. You had your part in the unpleasantness, and the best way to support him is to do some work on you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm sorry you are going through this. The confusion is the worst. This is not uncommon at all. As has been stated, people in early recovery are a mess of emotions. He may be trying to work it all out. That said, don't discount the possibility of a rehab romance. When they start pulling away from us, to attach themselves to "the group" be rest assured, there are equally sick women in that group more than willing to give them the "understanding " that they think you can't.
As was said by a wise person in the Alcoholics forum, " it doesn't matter if our partners understand us, we have to understand ourselves" and many of them don't. You had and have no part in his disease, it's progression, his shifting moods or if he wants to cheat. Nor can you control any of it. By all means go to al a non, celebrate recovery, SMART recovery or find a therapist to help you in the transition. You've known this man since you were children. Finding yourself and who you are apart from him will be difficult.
If he decides to leave, you will have to survive. Do you have a job? Money saved? I do hope that he comes to his senses. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. ((((Hugs))))
As was said by a wise person in the Alcoholics forum, " it doesn't matter if our partners understand us, we have to understand ourselves" and many of them don't. You had and have no part in his disease, it's progression, his shifting moods or if he wants to cheat. Nor can you control any of it. By all means go to al a non, celebrate recovery, SMART recovery or find a therapist to help you in the transition. You've known this man since you were children. Finding yourself and who you are apart from him will be difficult.
If he decides to leave, you will have to survive. Do you have a job? Money saved? I do hope that he comes to his senses. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. ((((Hugs))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mel.....I have said so may times on this forum....after all that I have seen....there should be so me kind of "law" that alcoholics must live one year apart for the first year of sobriety, at least.
Why? Because early sobriety (1st 2 years) is so miserably hard on everyone. It would be the humane thing to do.
mel......I think sober living after rehab would be a good thing for you to consider.
He wants freedom? Give it to him. WHILE YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR OWN COUNSELOR AND ALANON AND CELEBRATE RECOVERY, etc.
Tell him (my suggestion).....that YOU need the freedom for YOUR own recovery from living years and years with an alcoholic. Tell him that you will need a year to re=evaluate if you want to remain in the relationship..or not.
Make this about you and your daughter...not about him. He has himself and AA and his sponsor and others at the VA to worry about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody needs to put you and your daughter first! (It sure won't be him)
Give him his freedom....if he returns (sober),,,he is yours....If he doesn't....he was never y ours to keep in the first place. (old sensitivity poster that was popular).
Please hang around and keep posting (and read all the stickies at the top of the main page).
dandylion
****whatever you do....insist on safe sex..... (you never know for sure).
Why? Because early sobriety (1st 2 years) is so miserably hard on everyone. It would be the humane thing to do.
mel......I think sober living after rehab would be a good thing for you to consider.
He wants freedom? Give it to him. WHILE YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR OWN COUNSELOR AND ALANON AND CELEBRATE RECOVERY, etc.
Tell him (my suggestion).....that YOU need the freedom for YOUR own recovery from living years and years with an alcoholic. Tell him that you will need a year to re=evaluate if you want to remain in the relationship..or not.
Make this about you and your daughter...not about him. He has himself and AA and his sponsor and others at the VA to worry about him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody needs to put you and your daughter first! (It sure won't be him)
Give him his freedom....if he returns (sober),,,he is yours....If he doesn't....he was never y ours to keep in the first place. (old sensitivity poster that was popular).
Please hang around and keep posting (and read all the stickies at the top of the main page).
dandylion
****whatever you do....insist on safe sex..... (you never know for sure).
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I guess all I can add is go to Alanon for yourself.
Originally Posted by meldixon88 
I am a wife of an alcoholic. I am looking for input or listen to experience that people have about this topic i am about to present in my life right now.
A little history first,
I met my husband when i was 13 years old. We dated on an off and eventually got married at 18 before he joined the army. He served for 4 years and got out. He has always been a heavy drinker since he was 16 years old. but after he got out of the army he progressively got worse. His body was needing more to get the same effects and eventually his body needed it to function his everyday life so he didn't get the shakes, or withdrawals. I nagged, threatened, complained for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last year i became very angry with him, call him names, nagg.....and eventually started coming home and not really talking to him because he was always drunk.. i wouldn't show him affection very often. it was hard to even say i love you back (even though i did). I have been affected very much so by the neglect i was feeling from him. In my eyes, he was choosing alcohol over his family and it hurt me so much. when he drank all the time he would still try to love on me, say i love you all the time. writing this i look back and i do regret the hurtful things i have done to him. But then i know i have been hurt by his lies of constantly telling me that day would be his last day drinking....that he will stop on his own.
We have been married now for a little over 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter.
He finally decided to go to treatment, through the VA so its not a nice facility, he has been there 45 days. I did a 180 turn with him now that he is sober. I love him, i love that he is sober now. He is my best friend and i have known him practically my whole life! I am very supportive and loving of his recovert. i try to let him know i love him so much even though all these years he felt like i didn't. But i did.
The first couple weeks into treatment he was loving back with me. i felt like our connection was getting stronger and that we were finaly going to be ok.....but the 3rd week into his treatment i started to notice him distancing himself from me. i noticed he was connecting with the people there and not connecting with me and his daughter anymore. he started to stop showing me affection when he came to visit the 3 different times. I asked him what is going on, and now he is telling me he doesn't know if we will work out. That he is confused and weird-ed out by my love for him. He has been saying this the last few weeks. I have been very hurt by this. I think about his recovery there and i havent been included in one single thing with the recovery. Not a counseling session, not a family program. nothing. I ask him if there is anything . . . and he tells me there isnt anything for me....that this recovery is about only himself. we had a couples counseling set up and he cancelled it. never rescheduled it.
Im very confused because how is he suposed to get his life on track sober with his family and work, if myself and his daughter arnt included. I understand our past...him drinking all the time...and me not being so loving.... and i tell him this is about moving forward into the future. a healthy future with our beautiful daughter. and i told him that i loved him, but i was hurt and that i need help to.
My question for those of you who have experience is that, why could this be happening?? or maybe if this has happened to you . . . where are you at now in life with the recovered? what happened in the end? what advice do you have? I'm so lost. I finally seeked for a counselor for myself and i am hoping he will go with me if he wants to. to help us connect and love one another again. I just love him so much and i dont understand. He is still in treatment. was supposed to get out a couple days ago but decided he wanted to stay there longer. He is scared to get out. please help with any advice or share any experience you may have had.
thank you
Me
A little history first,
I met my husband when i was 13 years old. We dated on an off and eventually got married at 18 before he joined the army. He served for 4 years and got out. He has always been a heavy drinker since he was 16 years old. but after he got out of the army he progressively got worse. His body was needing more to get the same effects and eventually his body needed it to function his everyday life so he didn't get the shakes, or withdrawals. I nagged, threatened, complained for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last year i became very angry with him, call him names, nagg.....and eventually started coming home and not really talking to him because he was always drunk.. i wouldn't show him affection very often. it was hard to even say i love you back (even though i did). I have been affected very much so by the neglect i was feeling from him. In my eyes, he was choosing alcohol over his family and it hurt me so much. when he drank all the time he would still try to love on me, say i love you all the time. writing this i look back and i do regret the hurtful things i have done to him. But then i know i have been hurt by his lies of constantly telling me that day would be his last day drinking....that he will stop on his own.
We have been married now for a little over 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter.
He finally decided to go to treatment, through the VA so its not a nice facility, he has been there 45 days. I did a 180 turn with him now that he is sober. I love him, i love that he is sober now. He is my best friend and i have known him practically my whole life! I am very supportive and loving of his recovert. i try to let him know i love him so much even though all these years he felt like i didn't. But i did.
The first couple weeks into treatment he was loving back with me. i felt like our connection was getting stronger and that we were finaly going to be ok.....but the 3rd week into his treatment i started to notice him distancing himself from me. i noticed he was connecting with the people there and not connecting with me and his daughter anymore. he started to stop showing me affection when he came to visit the 3 different times. I asked him what is going on, and now he is telling me he doesn't know if we will work out. That he is confused and weird-ed out by my love for him. He has been saying this the last few weeks. I have been very hurt by this. I think about his recovery there and i havent been included in one single thing with the recovery. Not a counseling session, not a family program. nothing. I ask him if there is anything . . . and he tells me there isnt anything for me....that this recovery is about only himself. we had a couples counseling set up and he cancelled it. never rescheduled it.
Im very confused because how is he suposed to get his life on track sober with his family and work, if myself and his daughter arnt included. I understand our past...him drinking all the time...and me not being so loving.... and i tell him this is about moving forward into the future. a healthy future with our beautiful daughter. and i told him that i loved him, but i was hurt and that i need help to.
My question for those of you who have experience is that, why could this be happening?? or maybe if this has happened to you . . . where are you at now in life with the recovered? what happened in the end? what advice do you have? I'm so lost. I finally seeked for a counselor for myself and i am hoping he will go with me if he wants to. to help us connect and love one another again. I just love him so much and i dont understand. He is still in treatment. was supposed to get out a couple days ago but decided he wanted to stay there longer. He is scared to get out. please help with any advice or share any experience you may have had.
thank you
Me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
I just want to add that there really isn't a lot of support for those of us that are left behind through their recovery,, I wish there were more resources . Keep coming here, it will help you. I had a similar experience, he was done with me once he got sober. It was difficult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your responses. It does greatly help me. I do work full time, and I own a home with him. I guess one of my biggest fear is to loose the home as we both can't afford it on our own. I dint want my daughter's life to be degraded because of this. I did go to my first al anon meeting. I didn't enjoy it. I think it was the group of people and cross talking wasn't aloud. . . So I am going to a different one today. Or is that normal?I did find a counseler for myself and start seeing them on Mondays. Hopefully it will get bumped to more then one day a week. There is so much change and things to think about. It's very hard. But reading others opinions and knowledge helps me. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by meldixon88
Thank you all for your responses. It does greatly help me. I do work full time, and I own a home with him. I guess one of my biggest fear is to loose the home as we both can't afford it on our own. I dint want my daughter's life to be degraded because of this. I did go to my first al anon meeting. I didn't enjoy it. I think it was the group of people and cross talking wasn't aloud. . . So I am going to a different one today. Or is that normal?I did find a counseler for myself and start seeing them on Mondays. Hopefully it will get bumped to more then one day a week. There is so much change and things to think about. It's very hard. But reading others opinions and knowledge helps me. Thank you.
Not all Alanon meetings are the same. I didn't like the first meeting I attended, but the second was a good fit. Some have a round table format where there is more open discussion. I like those types of meetings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I am a wife of a recovering alcoholic who has been in a pending divorce for over one year. My experience with my husband is that he is not very good at taking responsibility for this actions, and it is easy for him to point the finger at other people. In comparison with your situation, he gets treatment, he is sober, he is analzying his life, and he is confused and weirded out by your love rather than thankful that you are still there and being loving to you.
I will be honest about divorce is that it is not easy. My husband is going after full custody of our kids and wrote a book on the restrictions about all of the things that I do (he kinda forgot about all of things that happened with his alcoholism).
It is not an easy situation. My advice is to take care of yourself. Therapy can help to hear your voice and find what you really want. You know your husband better than anyone. I hope things work out.
I have a 3 year old daughter an almost 5 year old son. I know the feeling of trying to give the best quality of life as a mother.
I will be honest about divorce is that it is not easy. My husband is going after full custody of our kids and wrote a book on the restrictions about all of the things that I do (he kinda forgot about all of things that happened with his alcoholism).
It is not an easy situation. My advice is to take care of yourself. Therapy can help to hear your voice and find what you really want. You know your husband better than anyone. I hope things work out.
I have a 3 year old daughter an almost 5 year old son. I know the feeling of trying to give the best quality of life as a mother.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
