SparkleKitty

Just had some bad news that our friend (the wife of my ex-husband), who received a Stage IV cancer diagnosis summer and who took a very bad turn a couple of weeks ago, is now at a point where her doctors are no longer focused on recovery, but comfort. It could be a matter of days now, or it could drag out longer than that as she has a very strong heart and lungs. She's only a little over 40 years old.

I reached out to my ex a few days ago (despite being divorced for over 10 years now we're good friends), before this turn, offering to organize and communicate with the veritable army of folks who have expressed a desire to help, and I haven't heard back from him on that and that's okay. He's just focused on the next right thing at the moment and that's where he should be. He can't focus anywhere else. A lot of people are asking me what they can do, what's going on, and I'm advising them to pray, if they pray, and that someone will reach out if there's anything needed.

I'm focused on staying present in this moment and accepting that there's nothing to be done, no way to Fix this for anyone, no way to Make It Better. If I ever needed a reminder of why the Steps start the way they do, this is it.

Thanks for reading. Maybe remind someone you love them, even if you think they know.

happybeingme

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right. You can't fix it or make it better. But, you can be there for the family. Hold a hand. Talk. When my aunt was in her final days I just started showing up at the hospice center. My aunt was unaware but it gave my cousins a break from their constant vigil. I would stay a few hours and they were able to make business calls, run home and check on family. If you don't have experience doing this don't feel scared or awkward. The end is a time of grace and peace. It is a wonderful gift

SparkleKitty

happybeingme, thank you so much for saying that. I have felt awkward and scared, but I will do as you suggest. Thank you again.

happybeingme

You are so welcome. If you ever want to pm me and talk about it feel free.

My only advice is approach with your heart wide open and throw convention to the wind.

FireSprite

(((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry. Happy has great advice, I've done similar stuff when we've faced these situations in life. A lot of times people just don't know what they even need help with because they aren't slowing down long enough to think things all the way through.

Caregivers often exhaust themselves during these times & they forget to self-care..... it's such a secondary thought to everything else going on. I've brought snacks for the family members/caretakers (Usually they are too stressed to think about big meals, but trail mix, granola bars & fresh fruits like apples & bananas work well.) I've brought them sample sized toiletries if they're at Hospice all day every day & not taking time for their own needs. I've collected mail, searched out legal documents (when RAH's uncle was sick no one else had any experience with legal stuff so I helped a lot, sorting paperwork & searching for important documents), taken care of pets, dropped off newspapers & magazines, you name it.

^^Well said, totally agree!!

SparkleKitty

My friend passed just about an hour ago. I was able to spend five hours here yesterday and was by her side today when she died, along with four other friends, my ex husband's parents, and my ex. Thanks to happybeingme for encouraging me to go with an open heart as it has made all the difference.

happybeingme

I am happy and sad. But mostly happy. You gave your friend and yourself a wonderful gift.

May you and all her loved ones feel God's love and grace at this time.

LexieCat

SparkleKitty,

I'm sorry for your loss and happy you were able to be there for your friend, for your ex, and for their family. I have a friendly divorce, too, and I treasure my kids' stepmom.

I've been away on business most of this week, so I missed your original post.

Hugs,

maia1234

Hugs SparkleKitty.... may she rest in Peace!!

Duckygirl1

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've always believed that somehow, they know we are there. You were more comfort to her than you may ever know ((( hugs)))

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also grateful that you were there for her and family.

It's times like these when I realize how valuable SR friends can be. No matter what we face, someone here can help us through it.

We're here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Butterfly

I'm sorry your going through this sparklekitty, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your friend and family members ((((((tight hugs))))))

CodeJob

My sympathies Sparkle Kitty. I'm glad you were able to go and be present.

NYCDoglvr

Especially when illness strikes (including addiction) we're reminded of how powerless we are. My great sponsor said of the feelings that come up: don't feed them, don't fight them, accept them. You're doing the best thing possible ... being of service and staying in the solution.

Rosiepetal

So sorry for your loss.
Big Hugs.

Stung

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.