I just feel numb
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I just feel numb
One of the most hurtful things about being involved with an addict is realizing how little you mean(t) to them. They were a priority and you were just there. I have erased the last of the vids, photos and text. There is no evidance we even know each other much less had once planned a future. We will never forget each other I know. We will never forget the relationship, though the details and meaning will differ. But it's not a good remembering for me. It's like remembering where I was on 9/11. I survived, but my world has become darker, more cynical and less sympathetic. I was never this angry. I'm just done. I want to think that if my ex relapsed I'd care, that at least some part of me isn't dead to humans suffering this. But I wouldn't. That scares me.
My heart is so cold right now I could never be in a relationship. I won't even consider trying with less than 12 mon of serious program under my belt. Being a vet, I have the option of staying a bit at the hospital just to work it through. I'm considering it. This can NEVER happen again. I was reading a blog of a girl who had just broken up with a coke addict after 4 years. Some people said "good for you" others accused her of having "daddy issues" and blamed her.
She said that she would never go near another addict even in recovery because the idea of possible relapse terrified her. I get that. Some called her judgmental and that the addict was lucky to avoid HER. Stay and give a chance, support a relapsed person you love and you're "sick", run like hell and you're judgemental. It always comes back to them. You can't win. Well, put my name down for judgmental. I'd rather run in the sun than spend another day living in the shadow of sickness.
My heart is so cold right now I could never be in a relationship. I won't even consider trying with less than 12 mon of serious program under my belt. Being a vet, I have the option of staying a bit at the hospital just to work it through. I'm considering it. This can NEVER happen again. I was reading a blog of a girl who had just broken up with a coke addict after 4 years. Some people said "good for you" others accused her of having "daddy issues" and blamed her.
She said that she would never go near another addict even in recovery because the idea of possible relapse terrified her. I get that. Some called her judgmental and that the addict was lucky to avoid HER. Stay and give a chance, support a relapsed person you love and you're "sick", run like hell and you're judgemental. It always comes back to them. You can't win. Well, put my name down for judgmental. I'd rather run in the sun than spend another day living in the shadow of sickness.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh but we can win. All we have to do is honor ourselves and send kindness and decency both inwards and outwards. The end.
We don't owe anyone on this earth a date or a piece of ourselves (accept maybe our children) so carry on and ignore those who want to make it all about them.
I would hope that every person (me, you, person in recovery, person not in recovery, person with mental illness, whoever) has a list of non-negotiable's when it comes to making decisions about who to date or continue dating. My list used to be very short. Like 'don't hit me'. That's it. It is a much longer list now. 'No addictions' is one of them. That doesn't mean I think they are unworthy of being dated. It has nothing to do with 'them'. It is a statement about me and what is good for me.
We don't owe anyone on this earth a date or a piece of ourselves (accept maybe our children) so carry on and ignore those who want to make it all about them.
I would hope that every person (me, you, person in recovery, person not in recovery, person with mental illness, whoever) has a list of non-negotiable's when it comes to making decisions about who to date or continue dating. My list used to be very short. Like 'don't hit me'. That's it. It is a much longer list now. 'No addictions' is one of them. That doesn't mean I think they are unworthy of being dated. It has nothing to do with 'them'. It is a statement about me and what is good for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Duckygirl, I needed this, at this very second, today. I'm numb. It's crazy to think though how THEY (the addict) can go about life getting their way and doing everything & anything to make sure everything is about them. It's almost like they can't empathize with other's feelings. They live in a bubble of selfishness. And now, almost two months later, I was just another hostage. I was just another lady part that he could use. I was just a young, crazy lady that he could abuse. He replaced me in a week after I left. CRAZY to see how I meant nothing
I too am focusing on the red flags in ANY relationship from this point further. I will no longer suffer through what I have.
Thumper, love your motto. "Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it." Boy, I really need to listen to that.
HUGS duckygirl HUGS*
I too am focusing on the red flags in ANY relationship from this point further. I will no longer suffer through what I have.
Thumper, love your motto. "Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it." Boy, I really need to listen to that.
HUGS duckygirl HUGS*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
It is just incredible, isn't it? This "me, me, me, me, and more of me" mentality. How they are just capable of flushing down the toilet everything and everybody in their life and how we actually mean so little to them.
As my AH's disease has progressed, he cannot even hide anymore that he has assigned a role to me: fix everything that is broken, be my brain, cook and clean for me. If even one little thing goes wrong (for example, I cannot fix the computer right here and right now because I simply do not know that stuff, there is this "whhhhaaaaaa whaaaaa," like I am supposed to know everything, like that is my only purpose in life).
But you know what? Once we finally realize how little we mean to them, does not that make life easier (of course, after the initial resentment)? Does not that awareness help us move on?
And you know what the painful thing is? Many of us who got involved with an addict have also flushed down the toilet relationships with other people. Well, I do not want to focus on one person anymore. I want to reestablish the old connections. I want to apologize.
But another relationship? I do not think so. There are so many broken pieces that have to be glued back together. I am happy to admit that I still find men attractive, so at least that part of me is not dead, BUT if any one of them tried anything (addict, recovering addict, never abused any substances), I know for sure that I would not be able to respond and would probably go no contact out of fear to be hurt again.
As my AH's disease has progressed, he cannot even hide anymore that he has assigned a role to me: fix everything that is broken, be my brain, cook and clean for me. If even one little thing goes wrong (for example, I cannot fix the computer right here and right now because I simply do not know that stuff, there is this "whhhhaaaaaa whaaaaa," like I am supposed to know everything, like that is my only purpose in life).
But you know what? Once we finally realize how little we mean to them, does not that make life easier (of course, after the initial resentment)? Does not that awareness help us move on?
And you know what the painful thing is? Many of us who got involved with an addict have also flushed down the toilet relationships with other people. Well, I do not want to focus on one person anymore. I want to reestablish the old connections. I want to apologize.
But another relationship? I do not think so. There are so many broken pieces that have to be glued back together. I am happy to admit that I still find men attractive, so at least that part of me is not dead, BUT if any one of them tried anything (addict, recovering addict, never abused any substances), I know for sure that I would not be able to respond and would probably go no contact out of fear to be hurt again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I am so feeling you Ducky. I just posted under F&F of Substance Abusers about similar feelings I am dealing with. We can take comfort in one another knowing we are not alone in our pain. Like healthyagain said, accepting that our addicts are truly only concerned about themselves, while hurtful, is healing as well.
Like I said in my post, I don't want this to ruin me. But it sure does feel like it has.
Like I said in my post, I don't want this to ruin me. But it sure does feel like it has.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
It looks like you are going through the 5 stages of Loss
You are past denial, anger and bargaining (all the to do about his stuff) and now you are entering the sadness stage. Next should be acceptance and moving on
Here is a link to a blog which goes more in details.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...d-relationship
Hang in there, it looks like you are right where you should be.
You are past denial, anger and bargaining (all the to do about his stuff) and now you are entering the sadness stage. Next should be acceptance and moving on
Here is a link to a blog which goes more in details.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...d-relationship
Hang in there, it looks like you are right where you should be.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm am so happy to know that I'm not alone in this and I'm so sad to know that I'm not alone in this. We are so easily replaceable for them. So easy to move to the new girl/guy. I don't feel sorry for the new girl. She's the female equivalent of him. I wondered if she had a bf that loved and supported her at her worst. Maybe a husband and kids she left to "concentrate on her recovery". I swear that line he used makes me sick now. I know it's true that they have to, but it seems to be the all mighty trump card too. Anything you want to do, pull the recovery card and everyone is supposed to backdown and maintain. Can't be a part of the family? Can't work, but have strength and time for sober parties? Can't pay bills? Recovery card! Can call and text everybody about your new tattoo, but not call your ex to clean up your mess? Recovery!! I once heard some guy say that it ain't sexual harassment if the girl likes you. Of course sexual harassment is serious and complex, but I get what he means. I feel that way about addicts in dealing with life. It's only a trigger if they don't WANT to deal with something. Must be nice.
No. Never, never again. I don't like how I've become. This is not me. We CAN win! Thumper is dead right! I plan to make sure that I win because next time I play the game, I make the rules.
No. Never, never again. I don't like how I've become. This is not me. We CAN win! Thumper is dead right! I plan to make sure that I win because next time I play the game, I make the rules.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
NYC, are you in a relationship right now? If so how do you get past that terror to give someone a chance? You know from first hand what the person relapsing is going through. And even you're scared. What bravery would I ever have?
I know that there are terrific guys out there in recovery who are serious about it. They don't jack around and aren't self focused, but they seem to be few and far between. I just don't have the strength to roll the dice.
I know that there are terrific guys out there in recovery who are serious about it. They don't jack around and aren't self focused, but they seem to be few and far between. I just don't have the strength to roll the dice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ducky my business associate, a dear friend of 10 years crapped all over me last year - stole from me, lied, diverted, - you name it. A junkie. I didn't know. If someone told me he was dead I wouldn't care. I don't wish anything bad on that person, but I don't have to wish anything good either. Through my healing of co-dependency I no longer give a sh!t about people who don't give a sh!t about me. Not caring I think is a good thing - why SHOULD YOU?
AS for dating another addict - I love my RAH totally. We have a great relationship, but its been hard. I will never, ever, ever not in a million ever date another one even if 100 years sober. NEVER.
AS for dating another addict - I love my RAH totally. We have a great relationship, but its been hard. I will never, ever, ever not in a million ever date another one even if 100 years sober. NEVER.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
red, the bottom line is to protect ourselves from the start. I'm glad your H is doing so well and hope you make it. But I hear the exhaustion in your voice. I haven't felt like this since my divorce and I was married 13 years! I was only with my ex for 2! It's just not worth the risk for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
DG- My past is my history. I learn from it. I loved my A and still do. He is sick. I do know that he loved me also. I do feel blessed that I did love someone and I know what that felt like. I might not ever have that again, but at least I had it once.
I can't erase my history, I have to come to terms with it. I pray my X will find peace. Go and read the new comers to recovery. These men and women are tormented with this disease. They suffer as we suffer, just in a different way. You might find some compassion for them as they struggle also, they are very sick people. They really don't even realize what they are doing to the people they love. Until they get sober, they have no idea. (read some of the forums)
You need to make peace with your past so you can move forward. By giving your loved one to God and taking care of yourself will do it. I have found "some" peace after many years with my XAH. I pray that "one" day he gets help, but I have no regrets as everything in my life is a stepping stone to where I am going. I would never change places with anyone.
Hugs Duckygirl that you find that peace one day!!
I can't erase my history, I have to come to terms with it. I pray my X will find peace. Go and read the new comers to recovery. These men and women are tormented with this disease. They suffer as we suffer, just in a different way. You might find some compassion for them as they struggle also, they are very sick people. They really don't even realize what they are doing to the people they love. Until they get sober, they have no idea. (read some of the forums)
You need to make peace with your past so you can move forward. By giving your loved one to God and taking care of yourself will do it. I have found "some" peace after many years with my XAH. I pray that "one" day he gets help, but I have no regrets as everything in my life is a stepping stone to where I am going. I would never change places with anyone.
Hugs Duckygirl that you find that peace one day!!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Maia1234- I went over to the New Comer section and it is heartbreaking much of it. What I thought was interesting was that there was one thread where a girl had canceled her wedding because her beau had relapsed. So many people chimed in to say that she had "dodged" a bullet and she should be grateful. They all said the same thing, "Go to the FF of substance abusers if you want to really know what living with an addict is like" they said read those stories of pain and that's what you avoided! They have no delusions of the risks.
We have to learn from each other. I'm glad that you know that your A loved you. I have no confidence that mine did. He said that he did, but on reflection, how could he have? No dear, mine loved booze and drugs. I was there for sex and enabling.
We have to learn from each other. I'm glad that you know that your A loved you. I have no confidence that mine did. He said that he did, but on reflection, how could he have? No dear, mine loved booze and drugs. I was there for sex and enabling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
DG- I don't know you or your X, but read more posts from the A forum. I asked once if A's love. They say that they did love. They loved what you did for them. But they couldn't truly love anything when they were addicted.
I was with my A since I was 15 years old. I am 50 now. I know that my A loved me and still does. But he is an addict and has not or may never come to terms of that. But I did have the true sense of love and I am blessed that I know what that was. Many people will never have that. I agree they love the booze and drugs, but don't believe that it was only for sex.
Don't sell yourself short. They are addicts, and were good people not that long ago. They struggle and we struggle. I know that you really need to hate them to accomplish detachment and move forward. I have done that, I am in the stage now that I have survived on my own and doing ok. I will take nothing less from him but growing up, sobering up and working a program. Thats it nothing more. Plus no less then 1 year of sobriety before I would think of rekindling a relationship.
I am in the long haul of taking care of me. I need to get to know me as I grew up with him and don't even know who I am. We all have changes to grow and become better people. That is what life is about!!
I was with my A since I was 15 years old. I am 50 now. I know that my A loved me and still does. But he is an addict and has not or may never come to terms of that. But I did have the true sense of love and I am blessed that I know what that was. Many people will never have that. I agree they love the booze and drugs, but don't believe that it was only for sex.
Don't sell yourself short. They are addicts, and were good people not that long ago. They struggle and we struggle. I know that you really need to hate them to accomplish detachment and move forward. I have done that, I am in the stage now that I have survived on my own and doing ok. I will take nothing less from him but growing up, sobering up and working a program. Thats it nothing more. Plus no less then 1 year of sobriety before I would think of rekindling a relationship.
I am in the long haul of taking care of me. I need to get to know me as I grew up with him and don't even know who I am. We all have changes to grow and become better people. That is what life is about!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry you have been feeling this way, Duckygirl, but it certainly is understandable after all you have been through.
Women are allowed to be discerning about how they choose a partner for a variety of reasons. It sounds to me as though you feel you have to include recovering alcoholics in your pool of potential partners. Not wanting to date a recovering alcoholic or addict due to anxiety over whether or not that person will relapse is a perfectly valid fear and choice to make when considering a potential partner.
Would it be fair to constantly subject a recovering person to another person's anxiety over whether or not they may relapse?
Is it fair to expect someone to live in fear and anxiety of a relapse because someone else said they were 'not being fair' to a recovering person?
I would have to say "no" on both counts.
You are perfectly within your rights to never go on a date with or become involved with an alcoholic or addict recovering or otherwise--for your sake and their's.
I think, in time, your heart and mind and emotions will return to a place of balance. And what a wonderful gift to give yourself....your time and attention!
Women are allowed to be discerning about how they choose a partner for a variety of reasons. It sounds to me as though you feel you have to include recovering alcoholics in your pool of potential partners. Not wanting to date a recovering alcoholic or addict due to anxiety over whether or not that person will relapse is a perfectly valid fear and choice to make when considering a potential partner.
Would it be fair to constantly subject a recovering person to another person's anxiety over whether or not they may relapse?
Is it fair to expect someone to live in fear and anxiety of a relapse because someone else said they were 'not being fair' to a recovering person?
I would have to say "no" on both counts.
You are perfectly within your rights to never go on a date with or become involved with an alcoholic or addict recovering or otherwise--for your sake and their's.
I think, in time, your heart and mind and emotions will return to a place of balance. And what a wonderful gift to give yourself....your time and attention!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Ducky - Currently not exhausted.
Based on my experience I wouldn't have a go at it again because I don't think I have the patience to invest, and the rate of return is too risky. I don't worry about another relapse with RAH. If it happens I am prepared with what to do.
It is the A personality that can be exhausting. Untangling the tangled web so to speak. But after reading Seren's post I think I need to back track a bit.
There are some wonderful recovered people on this forum that I respect very, very much. A generalized comment like I made about never dating someone 100 years sober I think is insulting. I am far from perfect. My husband has some incredible qualities, character, and so forth which is why we are together. Our life does not revolve around his issues his issues are just a part of our life. Mine are too I have plenty of them.
Based on my experience I wouldn't have a go at it again because I don't think I have the patience to invest, and the rate of return is too risky. I don't worry about another relapse with RAH. If it happens I am prepared with what to do.
It is the A personality that can be exhausting. Untangling the tangled web so to speak. But after reading Seren's post I think I need to back track a bit.
There are some wonderful recovered people on this forum that I respect very, very much. A generalized comment like I made about never dating someone 100 years sober I think is insulting. I am far from perfect. My husband has some incredible qualities, character, and so forth which is why we are together. Our life does not revolve around his issues his issues are just a part of our life. Mine are too I have plenty of them.
sorry. it just sucks. I understand you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
