For those of us dumped for the rehab romance
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For those of us dumped for the rehab romance
This subject is how I found SR in the first place. When I was first dumped I was looking for answers. I was wondering if anyone else had been through this. Lol! Anyway,was searching around and came across this thread from an AA site. For some reason I couldn't copy the link. It's just people who've been to rehab giving their views. My xabf, by my calculation, can't have been with this new gf more than 5 months. Yet the dysfunctional family has already met her and they are planning to live together. Yeah, I still got his crap. Working on it. Sigh.
The one thing that I've been working on is to not take it personally. It's not that I wasn't XYZ enough, it's because he's sick. Chemically clean, but sick. Of course that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I'd love to go on a date, find a wonderful life partner, but I know I'm not well enough yet. I want to send his mom this info, but the truth could spit in her face and she'd only say it was raining. Anyway, hope this helps if you're still hurting. It's long, but some great insight.
REHAB ROMANCE
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Was wondering how many of you got "caught up" in a not so healthy emotionally intimate relationship while in rehab? I know you're not supposed to go there for at least a year of sobriety under your belt but, gosh, to find a soulmate that can really relate to my addiction was an addiction in itself! Comments, stories?
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LostAgain
Phil
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Hi.....
The only response I can give on this one, our friend... is...
It took this kid 8000 days...without a drink...
To find out...what a "Healthy Relationship" was..
The rest of it?
You just Dont wanna know...
All the best....one day at a time...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
LostAgain
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I'm still learning what a healthy relationship is - such a tough lesson!
MY STORY: Dropped off at rehab by semi-supportive hubby; minimal contact with him during my stay; met a TERRIFIC guy (great looking too) and we found ways outside of our sessions to talk privately. Found myself completely smitten with this guys honesty and he told me how special our relationship was. How he had never connected with another human being so quickly and so deeply as he had with me. My head was spinning. I shared my deepest fears and so did he. We shared a mutual physical and emotional attraction that since I've been sober and out of rehab, I can't seem to shake. Don't tell me it wasn't real! Don't think I'm ready to hear it! I called him a few times right after we graduated and again, HE spoke of the mutual attraction, how I could be the woman he has been waiting for, blah, blah, blah. We talked and talked and talked. We cried some too! But now, when I call him, he either won't answer the phone or won't call me back. I just found out he has been in a long term relationship with a woman he's in love with, even though he told me how much he cared for me. Was I dreaming the intensity ? Was I living in a fantasy believing he truly cared for me more than just a friend? I want to pursue him even though he has a girlfriend because maybe she's just keeping him from talking with me and he really DID mean what he said to me. HELP! I'm so confused and I miss him so much....
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Wren
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Oh, I cannot pass this one up. When I was in rehab, I found "the love of my life". Y'know how they say two wrongs dont make a right? Two sickies do not make a well one, they just have twice the sickness to deal with. Everything is hunky dorey in a controlled atmosphere--long looks at meal time, passed notes, makes my heart just pitter patter. Then we got out. Welcome real world. Last I saw of my life's love he was under a bridge drinking wine in Glen Elen California. By then I had his name tatooed on my forearm. I can laugh now, but twenty odd years ago it was not funny. He eventually died of alcoholism.
Then I worked in a rehab for a few years. Couples would run out the door together, and if one went back out, so would the other. After all, with all those weeks of sobriety, we all know just what it is we're looking for, right?
"We're different, just wait when we come back to visit and they see us together, still sober". Nope. There's a good reason to wait awhile. And rehab is not the place to try to begin a relationship. You're supposed to be there to learn about how to stay sober, to learn about yourself, and every minute spent making googly eyes at another person is expended energy that should be going into your sobriety. Bottom line is, you may as well have just found somebody at the local bar. If you care about yourself or this other person, then put it on hold, make a date to meet in six months on the outside after you've finished rehab and see if you still have anything to talk about. You're there to get started on getting healthy, and until you take care of yourself, you just can't take on someone else's recovery. My (very strong) opinion. It's a matter of life and death. Chris
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Wren
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Ah, we posted at the same time. Youre both out now, and youre back with your husband? And he's back with his girlfriend? That would be a loud enough message. Put your energy back into yourself. Go to meetings, work the steps, relationships come and go, but your sobriety doesnt have that kind of freedom. It could leave and never come back. We get over our broken hearts, but not always do we get thru another run. Take care of you, and the rest will fall into place when it's supposed to. chris
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LostAgain
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Wren,
THANK YOU for your wise advise. You're exactly right how things get going. Yes, I returned home to my husband and he to his girlfriend. But I keep obsessing about what we had and how he made me feel and what I thought I brought out in him. He told me how he had never been able to talk so freely and deeply with a woman before, that I was the special one that brought that out in him. I guess what I heard was how special I was which made me feel needed and desired. My husbands desire for me has waned to non existence since my drinking and acting out days. I DID discover too that he and his girlfriend are supposedly really, really tight and always had been! Sure didnt agree with the story he told me which was that he was going home to an empty house bc they had broken up and he was waiting for me (and him) to get our sobriety solid before we embarked on anything more than what we had. I still feel so strongly for him. He could be THE ONE and the things he told me made me feel I was THE ONE too! Oh, so, so confusing and crazy... But I miss the very close special friendship I thought we had and still hope we might rekinkle the spark once we've been sober for a full year. I'm going to print your advice and read it every day maybe it will sink into my mind that he was as sick as me and that he was doing nothing more than acting out his own illness while we were in rehab. I met his girlfriend 5 times and she is gorgeous, a real nice lady. Maybe I just wished I were her.
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TenderheartsKS
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Wellllll...no rehab romance for me, BUT I did not waste any time in chasing romance once that 30 days was up! Pardon the expression, but my sponsor kept telling me 'You already have one a-hole in your pants; you don't need two'!
We didn't get sick overnight, neither do we get well overnight! I didn't listen.
I never did get totally completely 100% honest with self when it came to my recovery, and the end result was being 'dry' after a few years, and then I set myself up good with another fellow in recovery who subsequently relapsed after we had gotten involved.
Guess what? Down the tubes I went with him, despite everyone else's warnings. I was suffering from terminal uniqueness, and knew better than those peons in AA!
4 years out the window.
By the grace of God, I crawled back into the rooms after two months of actively drinking.
Today MY recovery comes first, and when I find that twinge of 'thinking' I need someone to complete my life, I have to do a searching and fearless moral inventory.
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Roderick
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Hi,
The old timers have been telling the new comers not to have relationships for at least a year for long before I ever came to the program. It's a darn good rule.
Allot of us in the program come with other disorders along with alcoholism. Getting one of us alcoholics sober is no small undertaking. The advice you have gotten before my post is all good and sounds correct.
As far as your question as to who of us had similar occurrences, when I was a newcomer, and basically homeless, a lady in the program with some years sobriety behind her let me rent a room from her and we had a romance. It did not work out and she wound up having a relapse. In retrospect, our relationship had allot of input into her relapse, and I have handled other instances differently since. In short, the romance was very early for me, and it did not help my sickness. It definitely did not help the ladie's recovery because she had a relapse, and the relationship we had played a big part in it. If we had not had the little fling, she probably would not have drank, but who knows? Also keep in mind, that her drinking triggered a whole mess of emotional weight and guilt by the trailer load for both of us. It probably wasn't worth it. Gosh! Try to get well so your life can be splendid.
I do know, it's good practice to work the program and go to meetings and don't drink between meetings.
Good Luck Kiddo,
Roderick
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TLH
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For me, relationships are hard enough all by themselves. Damn near impossible. Getting sober is actually the more likely proposition for me.
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Doll
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No way! No how! Nah! Not happening with this gal..Not even after 100 yrs of sobriety....... I can barely deal with myself and the guy I've dated for many years (who's not in the program nor does he need to be)! Why, oh why, would I want to take on someone else's addictions and problems......
Pfffft......... I think it would sound something like this "HI. I'm so-in so, recovering alcoholic. I'm screwed up, continue to struggle with my addiction some days. There's no certainty I'll be sober tomorrow. I'm co-dependent and have never had a healthy relationship in my life, soooooo..... you interested yet????!!!"
biggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinb iggrinbiggrinweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfacew eirdfaceweirdfacebiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggr inbiggrinweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdface
How do you know 2 AA's are on a 2nd date? The U-Haul is in the driveway!!! biggrin
-- Edited by Doll at 15:41, 2007-04-15
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TenderheartsKS
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Doll wrote:
How do you know 2 AA's are on a 2nd date? The U-Haul is in the driveway!!! biggrin
-- Edited by Doll at 15:41, 2007-04-15
Now that is funny!!!!!!!!!! I'll have to put that one in my mental notebook!
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aaqld
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LostAgain wrote:
I know you're not supposed to go there for at least a year of sobriety under your belt but, gosh, to find a soulmate that can really relate to my addiction was an addiction in itself!
It is not important that our love partner "understands" us. It is important that we understand ourselves.
There is a saying that gets around meetings in my area:
"An alkie takes two minutes to fall in love and two years to get over it."
Staying out of emmotional entanglements for at least a year is certainly a good suggestion, however, that suggestion carries with it an assumtion. It leads people to conclude that they will be well enough after a year to be able to handle a relationship in a healthy manner.
This is not true.
It was pointed out to me that I must *experience* relationships in sobriety in order to bring to the surface all those emmotional disturbances which caused my failures.
When these old hurts surface, I was told to pick up the phone instead of picking up a drink.
I was told that I can do anything I want, as long as no matter what happened, instead of picking up a drink, I pick up the phone instead.
It is through this process of sharing my experiences with others who have walked the path before me that I can figure out if it serves me to continue to do what I am doing.
Conclusion:
Before getting involved in a love relationship in or out of the fellowship, make sure you have a network of friends in sobriety to call.
"When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and phyisically."
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shizzy1969
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Here is one for you. Entered Glenbeigh rehab in Rock Creek OH in october of 2010 following 25 years of being a weekend warrior and 3 solid years of abuse following my divorce. Was there 2 weeks and met a meth head from Ashland OH. She is great sober very nice and pretty too, we really got along. The notes started, we were sneaking around making out all over the place. I was nuts for this girl. We get out of rehab start going to meetings and continue to date(I thought God was giving me a gift for being sober) LOL. She shows up at my sober house in Akron high on meth(were supposed to go to a meeting) I get mad and try the stuff too, we all know its no fun to party alone. 48hrs later we were in jail, I lost my car, My job and my room at the sober house. I went back to rehab and she told me she "loved me" and couldn't wait till I got out. Then the phone calls on the relapse line... I love you, I miss you, I need space....... GOODBYE!!! that was my 2010 Christmas . Now Shes out boinken her meth dealer and Im still in rehab. Maybe she loves him too, poor guy. LEARN TO CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF. SAVE THE HEARTACHE. ANYTHING YOU PUT BEFORE YOUR SOBRIETY YOU WILL LOSE!!! I do pray for her shes totally different sober.........BUT IM TAKING CARE OF ME.
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Klaatu
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As a counselor at a rehab my experience is DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!!! I've never seen one last, and most of the time end up with one or both back out there worse off than they were before. I tell the clients this..."2 broken people don't make one whole one, they make 2 people more broken than they were before" If you went to the supermarket shopping for something that came in a can and there were 3 nice pretty cans and one dented one, which one would you pick? I had a sponsee with 5 months GOOD QUALITY sober time that got into a relationship with someone from the program. He was living the dream life...sober, happy, joyous, and free. 2 months into it he discovered that it wasn't as good as he thought it was at first. Try as he may, he couldn't bring himself to end it because he didn't want to hurt her. Long story short, he got drunk and is now homeless, sleeping under a bridge and eating out of dumpsters. She hasn't been seen in meetings for months now, and the talk in the rooms is that she's back out there as well.
Brian
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StPeteDean
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^^^^^^ This unfortunately is very typical. It's like watching junior high school kids with less than average relationship skills.
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barisax
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Phil wrote:
It took this kid 8000 days...without a drink...
To find out...what a "Healthy Relationship" was..
6585 days without a drink to find my current relationship.
5396 days between relationships, i.e. between when my last one (real one) ended and my current one began.
1441 days in my current relationship! Time flies when you're having fun.
And a total of 8026 days without a drink. That averages out to more than 64,000 beers I didn't drink - and that's just going by what was my average consumption at the time.
Relationships seem to be awfully important when you're heading into one, or heading out of one, or trapped in multiples. Now that I am in one, I just try to be grateful for it, remain willing to do the work, and I pray daily to be a good husband for my wife, who has placed such trust in me and done so much for me out of pure love and devotion. I actually prayed a similar prayer in early sobriety when I was with my first wife - I did pray gratitude and thanks for our time together, and I avoided the "God please show me what the **** it is she wants from me??" prayer... LOL. Maybe I should have, dunno.
And in between I prayed for knowledge I wasn't going to have. I didn't so much pray for a relationship, as I prayed for God to give me a signal if I should even consider it, or just move on... I can't really define what signals I received, it was frustrating and the answer seemed to be, "in good time". I was willing to wait for a relationship, but I felt I needed an answer to the question, "Should I even be looking or am I just making myself miserable?" I eventually did quit looking, and then for some reason I started again... without much of an agenda or any expectations. It was another 16 months after that (during which time very little energy was expended on potential relationships) that I finally got a "hit".
Most people it goes a little quicker, but I'm a slow learner... as well as an eccentric duck that really needs someone very special. She found me.
Barisax
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tg
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Hi,
I did the rehab romance last year and suggest to others that they never go there. The hardest thing about that is the fact that we had to hide it. I do believe that we risk to much like our program and other friendships that we form in rehab. It's hard enough getting sober let alone trying to be an adult in a child like relationship. I was sober 9 months when I left rehab. The relationship lasted for (1) week outside of rehab then he dumped me. He hooked up with a so called friend of mine from the rooms prior to him dumping me, I then busted. It is not worth the emotional pain and mark my words the pain was unbearable. No-one is worth a drink.
Cheers
Trish G
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 27th of January 2011 06:22:05 PM
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tgillard
StPeteDean
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The one thing that I've been working on is to not take it personally. It's not that I wasn't XYZ enough, it's because he's sick. Chemically clean, but sick. Of course that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I'd love to go on a date, find a wonderful life partner, but I know I'm not well enough yet. I want to send his mom this info, but the truth could spit in her face and she'd only say it was raining. Anyway, hope this helps if you're still hurting. It's long, but some great insight.
REHAB ROMANCE
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Was wondering how many of you got "caught up" in a not so healthy emotionally intimate relationship while in rehab? I know you're not supposed to go there for at least a year of sobriety under your belt but, gosh, to find a soulmate that can really relate to my addiction was an addiction in itself! Comments, stories?
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Phil
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Hi.....
The only response I can give on this one, our friend... is...
It took this kid 8000 days...without a drink...
To find out...what a "Healthy Relationship" was..
The rest of it?
You just Dont wanna know...
All the best....one day at a time...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
LostAgain
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I'm still learning what a healthy relationship is - such a tough lesson!
MY STORY: Dropped off at rehab by semi-supportive hubby; minimal contact with him during my stay; met a TERRIFIC guy (great looking too) and we found ways outside of our sessions to talk privately. Found myself completely smitten with this guys honesty and he told me how special our relationship was. How he had never connected with another human being so quickly and so deeply as he had with me. My head was spinning. I shared my deepest fears and so did he. We shared a mutual physical and emotional attraction that since I've been sober and out of rehab, I can't seem to shake. Don't tell me it wasn't real! Don't think I'm ready to hear it! I called him a few times right after we graduated and again, HE spoke of the mutual attraction, how I could be the woman he has been waiting for, blah, blah, blah. We talked and talked and talked. We cried some too! But now, when I call him, he either won't answer the phone or won't call me back. I just found out he has been in a long term relationship with a woman he's in love with, even though he told me how much he cared for me. Was I dreaming the intensity ? Was I living in a fantasy believing he truly cared for me more than just a friend? I want to pursue him even though he has a girlfriend because maybe she's just keeping him from talking with me and he really DID mean what he said to me. HELP! I'm so confused and I miss him so much....
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Wren
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Oh, I cannot pass this one up. When I was in rehab, I found "the love of my life". Y'know how they say two wrongs dont make a right? Two sickies do not make a well one, they just have twice the sickness to deal with. Everything is hunky dorey in a controlled atmosphere--long looks at meal time, passed notes, makes my heart just pitter patter. Then we got out. Welcome real world. Last I saw of my life's love he was under a bridge drinking wine in Glen Elen California. By then I had his name tatooed on my forearm. I can laugh now, but twenty odd years ago it was not funny. He eventually died of alcoholism.
Then I worked in a rehab for a few years. Couples would run out the door together, and if one went back out, so would the other. After all, with all those weeks of sobriety, we all know just what it is we're looking for, right?
"We're different, just wait when we come back to visit and they see us together, still sober". Nope. There's a good reason to wait awhile. And rehab is not the place to try to begin a relationship. You're supposed to be there to learn about how to stay sober, to learn about yourself, and every minute spent making googly eyes at another person is expended energy that should be going into your sobriety. Bottom line is, you may as well have just found somebody at the local bar. If you care about yourself or this other person, then put it on hold, make a date to meet in six months on the outside after you've finished rehab and see if you still have anything to talk about. You're there to get started on getting healthy, and until you take care of yourself, you just can't take on someone else's recovery. My (very strong) opinion. It's a matter of life and death. Chris
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Wren
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Ah, we posted at the same time. Youre both out now, and youre back with your husband? And he's back with his girlfriend? That would be a loud enough message. Put your energy back into yourself. Go to meetings, work the steps, relationships come and go, but your sobriety doesnt have that kind of freedom. It could leave and never come back. We get over our broken hearts, but not always do we get thru another run. Take care of you, and the rest will fall into place when it's supposed to. chris
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LostAgain
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Wren,
THANK YOU for your wise advise. You're exactly right how things get going. Yes, I returned home to my husband and he to his girlfriend. But I keep obsessing about what we had and how he made me feel and what I thought I brought out in him. He told me how he had never been able to talk so freely and deeply with a woman before, that I was the special one that brought that out in him. I guess what I heard was how special I was which made me feel needed and desired. My husbands desire for me has waned to non existence since my drinking and acting out days. I DID discover too that he and his girlfriend are supposedly really, really tight and always had been! Sure didnt agree with the story he told me which was that he was going home to an empty house bc they had broken up and he was waiting for me (and him) to get our sobriety solid before we embarked on anything more than what we had. I still feel so strongly for him. He could be THE ONE and the things he told me made me feel I was THE ONE too! Oh, so, so confusing and crazy... But I miss the very close special friendship I thought we had and still hope we might rekinkle the spark once we've been sober for a full year. I'm going to print your advice and read it every day maybe it will sink into my mind that he was as sick as me and that he was doing nothing more than acting out his own illness while we were in rehab. I met his girlfriend 5 times and she is gorgeous, a real nice lady. Maybe I just wished I were her.
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TenderheartsKS
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Wellllll...no rehab romance for me, BUT I did not waste any time in chasing romance once that 30 days was up! Pardon the expression, but my sponsor kept telling me 'You already have one a-hole in your pants; you don't need two'!
We didn't get sick overnight, neither do we get well overnight! I didn't listen.
I never did get totally completely 100% honest with self when it came to my recovery, and the end result was being 'dry' after a few years, and then I set myself up good with another fellow in recovery who subsequently relapsed after we had gotten involved.
Guess what? Down the tubes I went with him, despite everyone else's warnings. I was suffering from terminal uniqueness, and knew better than those peons in AA!
4 years out the window.
By the grace of God, I crawled back into the rooms after two months of actively drinking.
Today MY recovery comes first, and when I find that twinge of 'thinking' I need someone to complete my life, I have to do a searching and fearless moral inventory.
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Roderick
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Hi,
The old timers have been telling the new comers not to have relationships for at least a year for long before I ever came to the program. It's a darn good rule.
Allot of us in the program come with other disorders along with alcoholism. Getting one of us alcoholics sober is no small undertaking. The advice you have gotten before my post is all good and sounds correct.
As far as your question as to who of us had similar occurrences, when I was a newcomer, and basically homeless, a lady in the program with some years sobriety behind her let me rent a room from her and we had a romance. It did not work out and she wound up having a relapse. In retrospect, our relationship had allot of input into her relapse, and I have handled other instances differently since. In short, the romance was very early for me, and it did not help my sickness. It definitely did not help the ladie's recovery because she had a relapse, and the relationship we had played a big part in it. If we had not had the little fling, she probably would not have drank, but who knows? Also keep in mind, that her drinking triggered a whole mess of emotional weight and guilt by the trailer load for both of us. It probably wasn't worth it. Gosh! Try to get well so your life can be splendid.
I do know, it's good practice to work the program and go to meetings and don't drink between meetings.
Good Luck Kiddo,
Roderick
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TLH
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For me, relationships are hard enough all by themselves. Damn near impossible. Getting sober is actually the more likely proposition for me.
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Doll
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No way! No how! Nah! Not happening with this gal..Not even after 100 yrs of sobriety....... I can barely deal with myself and the guy I've dated for many years (who's not in the program nor does he need to be)! Why, oh why, would I want to take on someone else's addictions and problems......
Pfffft......... I think it would sound something like this "HI. I'm so-in so, recovering alcoholic. I'm screwed up, continue to struggle with my addiction some days. There's no certainty I'll be sober tomorrow. I'm co-dependent and have never had a healthy relationship in my life, soooooo..... you interested yet????!!!"
biggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinb iggrinbiggrinweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfacew eirdfaceweirdfacebiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggrinbiggr inbiggrinweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdfaceweirdface
How do you know 2 AA's are on a 2nd date? The U-Haul is in the driveway!!! biggrin
-- Edited by Doll at 15:41, 2007-04-15
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
TenderheartsKS
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Doll wrote:
How do you know 2 AA's are on a 2nd date? The U-Haul is in the driveway!!! biggrin
-- Edited by Doll at 15:41, 2007-04-15
Now that is funny!!!!!!!!!! I'll have to put that one in my mental notebook!
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aaqld
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LostAgain wrote:
I know you're not supposed to go there for at least a year of sobriety under your belt but, gosh, to find a soulmate that can really relate to my addiction was an addiction in itself!
It is not important that our love partner "understands" us. It is important that we understand ourselves.
There is a saying that gets around meetings in my area:
"An alkie takes two minutes to fall in love and two years to get over it."
Staying out of emmotional entanglements for at least a year is certainly a good suggestion, however, that suggestion carries with it an assumtion. It leads people to conclude that they will be well enough after a year to be able to handle a relationship in a healthy manner.
This is not true.
It was pointed out to me that I must *experience* relationships in sobriety in order to bring to the surface all those emmotional disturbances which caused my failures.
When these old hurts surface, I was told to pick up the phone instead of picking up a drink.
I was told that I can do anything I want, as long as no matter what happened, instead of picking up a drink, I pick up the phone instead.
It is through this process of sharing my experiences with others who have walked the path before me that I can figure out if it serves me to continue to do what I am doing.
Conclusion:
Before getting involved in a love relationship in or out of the fellowship, make sure you have a network of friends in sobriety to call.
"When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and phyisically."
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shizzy1969
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Here is one for you. Entered Glenbeigh rehab in Rock Creek OH in october of 2010 following 25 years of being a weekend warrior and 3 solid years of abuse following my divorce. Was there 2 weeks and met a meth head from Ashland OH. She is great sober very nice and pretty too, we really got along. The notes started, we were sneaking around making out all over the place. I was nuts for this girl. We get out of rehab start going to meetings and continue to date(I thought God was giving me a gift for being sober) LOL. She shows up at my sober house in Akron high on meth(were supposed to go to a meeting) I get mad and try the stuff too, we all know its no fun to party alone. 48hrs later we were in jail, I lost my car, My job and my room at the sober house. I went back to rehab and she told me she "loved me" and couldn't wait till I got out. Then the phone calls on the relapse line... I love you, I miss you, I need space....... GOODBYE!!! that was my 2010 Christmas . Now Shes out boinken her meth dealer and Im still in rehab. Maybe she loves him too, poor guy. LEARN TO CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF. SAVE THE HEARTACHE. ANYTHING YOU PUT BEFORE YOUR SOBRIETY YOU WILL LOSE!!! I do pray for her shes totally different sober.........BUT IM TAKING CARE OF ME.
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Klaatu
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As a counselor at a rehab my experience is DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!!! I've never seen one last, and most of the time end up with one or both back out there worse off than they were before. I tell the clients this..."2 broken people don't make one whole one, they make 2 people more broken than they were before" If you went to the supermarket shopping for something that came in a can and there were 3 nice pretty cans and one dented one, which one would you pick? I had a sponsee with 5 months GOOD QUALITY sober time that got into a relationship with someone from the program. He was living the dream life...sober, happy, joyous, and free. 2 months into it he discovered that it wasn't as good as he thought it was at first. Try as he may, he couldn't bring himself to end it because he didn't want to hurt her. Long story short, he got drunk and is now homeless, sleeping under a bridge and eating out of dumpsters. She hasn't been seen in meetings for months now, and the talk in the rooms is that she's back out there as well.
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
StPeteDean
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^^^^^^ This unfortunately is very typical. It's like watching junior high school kids with less than average relationship skills.
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barisax
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Phil wrote:
It took this kid 8000 days...without a drink...
To find out...what a "Healthy Relationship" was..
6585 days without a drink to find my current relationship.
5396 days between relationships, i.e. between when my last one (real one) ended and my current one began.
1441 days in my current relationship! Time flies when you're having fun.
And a total of 8026 days without a drink. That averages out to more than 64,000 beers I didn't drink - and that's just going by what was my average consumption at the time.
Relationships seem to be awfully important when you're heading into one, or heading out of one, or trapped in multiples. Now that I am in one, I just try to be grateful for it, remain willing to do the work, and I pray daily to be a good husband for my wife, who has placed such trust in me and done so much for me out of pure love and devotion. I actually prayed a similar prayer in early sobriety when I was with my first wife - I did pray gratitude and thanks for our time together, and I avoided the "God please show me what the **** it is she wants from me??" prayer... LOL. Maybe I should have, dunno.
And in between I prayed for knowledge I wasn't going to have. I didn't so much pray for a relationship, as I prayed for God to give me a signal if I should even consider it, or just move on... I can't really define what signals I received, it was frustrating and the answer seemed to be, "in good time". I was willing to wait for a relationship, but I felt I needed an answer to the question, "Should I even be looking or am I just making myself miserable?" I eventually did quit looking, and then for some reason I started again... without much of an agenda or any expectations. It was another 16 months after that (during which time very little energy was expended on potential relationships) that I finally got a "hit".
Most people it goes a little quicker, but I'm a slow learner... as well as an eccentric duck that really needs someone very special. She found me.
Barisax
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tg
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Hi,
I did the rehab romance last year and suggest to others that they never go there. The hardest thing about that is the fact that we had to hide it. I do believe that we risk to much like our program and other friendships that we form in rehab. It's hard enough getting sober let alone trying to be an adult in a child like relationship. I was sober 9 months when I left rehab. The relationship lasted for (1) week outside of rehab then he dumped me. He hooked up with a so called friend of mine from the rooms prior to him dumping me, I then busted. It is not worth the emotional pain and mark my words the pain was unbearable. No-one is worth a drink.
Cheers
Trish G
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 27th of January 2011 06:22:05 PM
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tgillard
StPeteDean
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It sucks. I always said I wished that I could go away and have the state pay for it like he did. But he's living in a bubble. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. Not my side of the street. I do know that there are few worse places to start a romance. I'm glad I'm out here and not wrapped in bubble paper.
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I do know that there are few worse places to start a romance.
This made me lol. My ex managed to find one- a family reunion. Of course we met on a deployment to Iraq, which probably isn't much better. All that intensity, the life and death stress on a daily basis.
As for me I'm "clean and sober" from my relationship addiction for 18 months and counting.
This made me lol. My ex managed to find one- a family reunion. Of course we met on a deployment to Iraq, which probably isn't much better. All that intensity, the life and death stress on a daily basis.
As for me I'm "clean and sober" from my relationship addiction for 18 months and counting.
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i hear you. it sucks and at first I was so angry, I felt discarded. I felt like he used me. I still have some hurt when I think about it, but I am past the anger now. I am just focused on getting up every day and smiling for my kids, I have a 15 yr old daughter, so I am occupied . I try to just focus on me, and not think about him or her and what they are doing. I am getting stronger every day. and I agree with you, I am better to be out of it. my heart needs to get there now
. I try to just focus on me, and not think about him or her and what they are doing. I am getting stronger every day. and I agree with you, I am better to be out of it. my heart needs to get there now Member
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unfortunately for me, this wasn't the first time I have been cheated on, or dumped by him. ( it is the last time though)
last summer, I went back to my home town in South Dakota. I met up with an old friend, we started talking about the neighborhood and the kids. She asked me who I talked to, etc. She told me that she has been seeing someone for the last 4 months, guess who it was? My boyfriend !! I sat there, incredulous!! she had texts, and vmails. everything. I started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. and when I confronted him about it? He called her an easy lay, that was all he said at that time. Later he came crawling back, and I, of course, took him back.
OY VEY!!!
last summer, I went back to my home town in South Dakota. I met up with an old friend, we started talking about the neighborhood and the kids. She asked me who I talked to, etc. She told me that she has been seeing someone for the last 4 months, guess who it was? My boyfriend !! I sat there, incredulous!! she had texts, and vmails. everything. I started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. and when I confronted him about it? He called her an easy lay, that was all he said at that time. Later he came crawling back, and I, of course, took him back.
OY VEY!!!
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Originally Posted by daydreamer0217 
unfortunately for me, this wasn't the first time I have been cheated on, or dumped by him. ( it is the last time though)
last summer, I went back to my home town in South Dakota. I met up with an old friend, we started talking about the neighborhood and the kids. She asked me who I talked to, etc. She told me that she has been seeing someone for the last 4 months, guess who it was? My boyfriend !! I sat there, incredulous!! she had texts, and vmails. everything. I started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. and when I confronted him about it? He called her an easy lay, that was all he said at that time. Later he came crawling back, and I, of course, took him back.
OY VEY!!!
last summer, I went back to my home town in South Dakota. I met up with an old friend, we started talking about the neighborhood and the kids. She asked me who I talked to, etc. She told me that she has been seeing someone for the last 4 months, guess who it was? My boyfriend !! I sat there, incredulous!! she had texts, and vmails. everything. I started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. and when I confronted him about it? He called her an easy lay, that was all he said at that time. Later he came crawling back, and I, of course, took him back.
OY VEY!!!
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i know hon, one of the first things he said to me ( should have been a precursor ) was " I don't cheat, or lie" I find out that he has cheated on every girlfriend he has had since his first wife dumped him. even his other 2 marriages after that, he was the cheater. and well, we all know he was a liar too.
don't get me wrong, I stayed, I don't blame him anymore. I know my part. when I say it back now, it seems so stupid, but when you are "in" it, you don't see it until you are out of it. Now I am shocked, I would kill my daughter if she dated anybody like that ahole.
don't get me wrong, I stayed, I don't blame him anymore. I know my part. when I say it back now, it seems so stupid, but when you are "in" it, you don't see it until you are out of it. Now I am shocked, I would kill my daughter if she dated anybody like that ahole.
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Lady S, I met my ex husband when we served on a Naval ship together. He's not an addict, but you put 500 men and 500 women on a boat, take them away from home for 6 months and say "no, fraternizing!" Ha!!! The isolation, intensity and feeling like only someone who's lived it gets me is very real.
That's why I knew in my heart of hearts when my ex went to rehab it was only a matter of time. The only way to prevent this is to actually keep them apart. If these rehabs even took the dangers of relapse 1/2 seriously there would be no mixing for meetings or anything else. It's malpractice plain and simple.
That's why I knew in my heart of hearts when my ex went to rehab it was only a matter of time. The only way to prevent this is to actually keep them apart. If these rehabs even took the dangers of relapse 1/2 seriously there would be no mixing for meetings or anything else. It's malpractice plain and simple.
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When I was packing up my ex's stuff, I came across his middle school year book and little notes from girls. You wouldn't believe how many girls he cheated on even back then! And all of these sweet little girls said the same thing "I hope we can get back together or at least be friends" no one told him to sod off! No wonder he never learned
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Originally Posted by Duckygirl1
You wouldn't believe how many girls he cheated on even back then!
OMG - this is classic.
But so true....the behavior just goes on and on doesn't it??
MY X actually told me one time "Why don't you tell me to F off"??...
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Summer Peach,
there is a statistic that says 25% of all relationships die when one partner joins AA and the other is a normie. Google it. The debate is whether or not AA and sobriety in general simply reveals problems already present in the relationship or is there a culture in the rooms that actually facilitates infidelity.
I've read in other forums here people saying as long as you don't drink, whatever you do is up to you. Sick men and women are going to hook up, bottom line. Maybe not all, but enough to make it a serious issue. It's one of the reasons I don't care for 12 step programs. They separate addicts into a subculture where the SO has little place. The A is then told its "easier" to be with someone from the rooms. Only THEY can understand you. The SO is then separated into al a non where this happens less because most meetings are majority female. And this is just meetings. Lock them together in rehab and it's over.
I've said before and I'll say again, some peoples "higher powers" sign off on some serious BS.
there is a statistic that says 25% of all relationships die when one partner joins AA and the other is a normie. Google it. The debate is whether or not AA and sobriety in general simply reveals problems already present in the relationship or is there a culture in the rooms that actually facilitates infidelity.
I've read in other forums here people saying as long as you don't drink, whatever you do is up to you. Sick men and women are going to hook up, bottom line. Maybe not all, but enough to make it a serious issue. It's one of the reasons I don't care for 12 step programs. They separate addicts into a subculture where the SO has little place. The A is then told its "easier" to be with someone from the rooms. Only THEY can understand you. The SO is then separated into al a non where this happens less because most meetings are majority female. And this is just meetings. Lock them together in rehab and it's over.
I've said before and I'll say again, some peoples "higher powers" sign off on some serious BS.
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yes 100% ^
also, in my case, the whole religion thing and God became a huge issue. his new found woman from rehab, is also a church fanatic, and now he is too ( surprise ) . I can not even go into what I think about all of that.
also, in my case, the whole religion thing and God became a huge issue. his new found woman from rehab, is also a church fanatic, and now he is too ( surprise ) . I can not even go into what I think about all of that.
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I have never been on a site like this but when I found I could hear others stories I was ecstatic.
My (now ex) addict boyfriend of one solid year and I broke up two days ago. The lying couldn't stop 😢 Straw that broke the camels back: He lied to me about smoking POT I mean come on!
Background story: we met on tinder. I am a codependent and he is an addict. I met him at his house where he was doing lines and then we went to a party. One thing we both could not get over was how good we looked together like a match made in heaven. People at the party commented "what a cute couple! All tattooed and old school"
As many codependentS AND addicts do, after the night we met we were immediately stuck at the hip and I mean HIP. I had no job so I went to work with him all day. And I had a large savings and he knew this so we bought a lot of powder. This obsession continued for months. He moved on to worse drugs and my self esteem was in the *******. To make a long story short, he went on subutex and my non-addict brain was so thrilled!! He wouldn't be sling drugs anymore. Since then we were so much in love. Hopelessly desperately in love. But he had to have weed.
Two days it's been since we broke up and he's now living with an alcoholic girl, and I snooped his email and he paid $15 for tinder plus. Vomit. I'm so hurt. We had marriage plans.
Anyway I'm writing because I want to know if addicts can fake love. I know we loved each other deeply.
My (now ex) addict boyfriend of one solid year and I broke up two days ago. The lying couldn't stop 😢 Straw that broke the camels back: He lied to me about smoking POT I mean come on!
Background story: we met on tinder. I am a codependent and he is an addict. I met him at his house where he was doing lines and then we went to a party. One thing we both could not get over was how good we looked together like a match made in heaven. People at the party commented "what a cute couple! All tattooed and old school"
As many codependentS AND addicts do, after the night we met we were immediately stuck at the hip and I mean HIP. I had no job so I went to work with him all day. And I had a large savings and he knew this so we bought a lot of powder. This obsession continued for months. He moved on to worse drugs and my self esteem was in the *******. To make a long story short, he went on subutex and my non-addict brain was so thrilled!! He wouldn't be sling drugs anymore. Since then we were so much in love. Hopelessly desperately in love. But he had to have weed.
Two days it's been since we broke up and he's now living with an alcoholic girl, and I snooped his email and he paid $15 for tinder plus. Vomit. I'm so hurt. We had marriage plans.
Anyway I'm writing because I want to know if addicts can fake love. I know we loved each other deeply.
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Originally Posted by Duckygirl1
...
there is a statistic that says 25% of all relationships die when one partner joins AA and the other is a normie. Google it. The debate is whether or not AA and sobriety in general simply reveals problems already present in the relationship or is there a culture in the rooms that actually facilitates infidelity.
...
there is a statistic that says 25% of all relationships die when one partner joins AA and the other is a normie. Google it. The debate is whether or not AA and sobriety in general simply reveals problems already present in the relationship or is there a culture in the rooms that actually facilitates infidelity.
...
I'm not an addiction researcher, and I am neither for or against 12-step programs. But from my participation here, many marriages end between an addict and the non-addict partner because the non-addict partner has decided that they can no longer live with the uncertainty of potential relapse, or that the last relapse was one too many. Often, there has just been too much damage and too much pain for the marriage to be healed.
I don't know which is more common, a marriage falling apart because of a rehab romance or simply because the non-addict partner has just had too much. In general, I just don't think accurate statistics can be obtained for this unfortunate phenomenon.
I wonder if rehab romance is as common, more common, or less common than workplace affairs between two people who work at high-powered jobs, travel a lot, and have the "work" in common?
But believe me I do understand the pain of having a spouse have an affair. My ex-husband was unfaithful to me and filed for divorce...it is a very painful and intimate betrayal regardless of the cause.
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