MsGrace

My finance has an eight year old and the ex wife is a very active alcoholic. She moved the boy 2000 miles away and now the boy is in trouble in school almost daily...the school is very concerned....as of course, is dad.

We are going to have him with us for the whole summer. We go to Al Anon. He's too young for Ala Teen....so can you help direct us to books or resources to help open a dialog with him? He's so withdrawn, ashamed and afraid to express his very conflicted feelings about his mom, understandably.

Ideas? Books? Other programs for smaller kids? He's carrying such a heavy burden...more than any little kid should have to. We'd like to make good use of the time we have him to give him some tools.

Thanks in advance

Spalding

Maybe seek out a child counsellor? I know that dealing with my feelings about an alcoholic parent was very hard, and I know I refused to talk about it with my other parent. Maybe finding an unbiased professional would be your best bet.

Also, asking questions and letting him talk about it, hearing him out could be a good way to start in on it, if he seems open?

I would really be looking for professional help in this area though.

maybear

A child psychologist would definitely be a good option for the little guy. It would allow him a safe space to talk about his troubles and the Psyc or counsellor would have heaps of different activities and ways of gently helping and encouraging him to express his feelings. They would also be able to help you and your fiancée with how to help him too.

lillamy

Agree with the idea of a counselor/psychologist/therapist, preferably one who specializes in addiction issues. Also, if you know mom is an actively drinking alcoholic, I would consider suggesting to the dad that pursuing legal options to get the kid out of that environment might be something he'd like to do.

hopeful4

If you have a Celebrate Recovery near you, there are usually programs for children also. My daughter attended while I did my session. It is very similar to the Alanon setup. You may want to check that out. There is also a book I got that someone on here recommended to me. I cannot remember the name off hand, but I will write it down tonight when I go home and post it tomorrow. Great book.

Hugs to you guys, I cannot even imagine.

Thumper

I would pursue a therapist experienced in addiction. They could throw him some life lines that get him through at your house but more importantly at his mom's. They could also be a good guide for you.

Also - tons of loving structure and consistency in the home with regards to schedules, expectations, consequences etc. I can't remember if you already have kids? If so you may already have this structure set up. IME this is *hard* when you have a child that is pushing all your buttons and testing the limits and hard for me because my schedule is not consistent with four kids to manage. That consistency will help him settle down but it takes lots of time. It will not happen overnight. I have a very high maintenance 8yo. Talking is only going to get you so far, which in my experience is not very far at all. I would like to say that your loving and stable home will be the magic that creates a loving and tranquil boy but I think to be fair - you need to prepare yourselves for a very high maintenance summer.

My son is also very ADHD-combined type and he was in trouble in school every single day no matter how hard he tried to have a good day. We finally got the right med combination and he maybe has one bad day a month now. It has been a miracle. I have no idea if that pertains to your situation but just thought I'd add it.

9111111

There's a great initiative in Australia being called "Children of Parents with a Mental Illness" (copmi). I wasn't sure if I'm supposed to post a link here, but you'll find them on google. They have a lot of free resources for children at different ages, and while the content might not be tailored towards addiction I found some of booklets dealing with issues like "changes in moods" or "how to tell other children" quite helpful. All the best for you and the little one.

Duckygirl1

Therapist are great, but then he will go back to the mom. Can you get custody of him? Boys need their dads. He has to see healthy adult males in his life consistently.

hopeful4

I just went to that site, great info there! Thanks for sharing. I printed some things off to discuss w/my DD's therapist.

LvWrAM123

http://www.amazon.com/Dad-Loves-Dise.../dp/0910223238

Good reviews.

MsGrace

you are all so wonderful..thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights...all of it helpful!
My son is long grown ....so dealing with a minor child in retirement was not in the plan...but then isn't that just life? We'll just do our best. His dad is wonderful...calls him every single day. Very involved in his life even though his mom took him so far away. He does as much as he can see to do...
We also lined up a child specialist for the summer...so we are hopeful we can arm him with some tools before he goes back.

thank you again...much appreciated!