freetosmile

Dandy had made a comment about asking AH about something that had previously (before meds) bothered him or threw him off the deep end, to see if this thought processing stuff was sincere or not---soooo I did.

I told him on the phone last night that my sister wants to come down for easter.

Of course my sister has been a VERY sore spot for him. He made the "boundary" that she was not allowed in his house or around our kids. This was when he was in treatment.

So I asked him what his thoughts were on it. He said, "well what are your thoughts?"

I told him I was ok with it as long as she wasn't actively drinking. He said, ok then.



I'm dumbfounded.

this is the man who threw me up against a wall and accused me of sleeping with the entire state of nebraska. Who hated the clothes I wore, hated EVERYTHING!

Easter is a ways away- so we'll see how things look as we get closer to the date.

In the meantime, I have started taking an antidepressant too....I still think my body is out of whack since the hyster.......I just kind of seem a little sad- too sad and for no particular reason. I hate that feeling of seeing no color in the world...only grey. So we'll see how it works.

Hawkeye13

Glad you feel he is making progress free but it is still
very early days in his recovery so don't put much stock in it in case it is just a lull.

If he is making progress and still sober in a year, I'd say he'd proven he was serious,
but a month or less is still him "showing you" he can do it, and perhaps the meds
are making it easier.

You don't get over the habituation of controlling other people with a pill.

So glad things are getting better though--as someone else said, enjoy it
but don't let him in the door just yet

amy55

Hi Niki,

Still here with you. I don't want to give you false hope so I won't. He is still not living with you, he is still not back "in". He has a reason to try to be decent.

I know that I would be questioning this and hoping. My ex once made it a whole 11months, when he thought I was dying from cancer.

They can pretend for a long time, or they may actually have the feeling of repenting and remorse, but without any work, and I mean a lot of work, they can't change their thinking process.

He can always be on good behavior for an hour or few a day, but for 24/7, I really don't think so.

Here with you and don't let down your guard.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

I send you many hugs too!!!!!

cookiesncream

Sorry for the gallows humor but I NEED to know what meds your hubbie is on 'cause I really need them:-) That said time will tell... Glad to see a gleam of hope there for you though. I know we "A'" seem like we're all monsters, and many of us are, but a lot of us are just pretty screwed up and coping in some pretty bad ways. Personally the abuse you've suffered though... not sure I'd ever be able to forgive that stuff EVER sobriety or no sobriety.

amy55

I had to think about this for awhile. Here's the real test. I would prefer if you did this, do it by phone. Tell him about your feelings, how you felt that night, how you felt the other times. tell him that you were afraid of him.

See if you get more then an oh baby I'm so sorry, see if you get any real empathy from him or if he feels attacked, and attacks back.

Do you still feel like you are "walking on eggshells" around him? Do you feel like you can discuss anything? without him flying off the handle?

I would love to say that he did a 180. I wanted to believe it so many times.

SeriousKarma

Free, I think the real danger here is you getting lost in the weeds of his recovery.

Whether or not he made a 180 is irrelevant if you're still in the same place.

Time is going to show you if those meds are doing the trick. It is simply too soon to tell. Even if they're fantastic, meds need to be tweaked, and people need to learn how to manage them. So, best case scenario, he's going to have to learn to live with meds. The way he is today will at some point change and he'll have to deal with it. I'm not a doctor, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never known anyone who didn't have to tweak their meds at some point. Isnt that fairly common? Meanwhile you still need to be working on you.

My fear is that this could derail you from putting your energy where the real payoff is. You. That's not to say you should do this or that. Just try maybe to step back a bit, breath into the moment, and make sure your not losing focus.

dandylion

free....I didn't expect that you would be doing a "test" so quickly...lol!

You know....regardless of how well he does or not...you are not obligated or beholding to him. You are entitled to do what ever you want to do with your life. It is good for HIM that HE is doing well, however.

I have always encouraged you to stick with your dv counselor and, hopefully, a group.
Also...making new friends and new bonds...and new experiences.
Your connections with your self are going to be precious.

It is not so surprising, to me, that you might experience some depressed feelings.
After all, you have made some very dramatic moves and changes in your life in the last several weeks. It is said that we mourn our "old self" even when we have made great new changes.

dandylion

freetosmile

I hear you karma,

I'm actually doing really well in my recovery. I'm not really obsessing about his recovery from alcoholism. I'm not really obsessing over anything with him... I'm simply confused. Plain and simple. And we have discussed the way he behaved. I didn't get the oh baby I'm so sorry. I got the, yeah I was really out of control and in a real bad spot kinda thing.

You guys I'm not expecting anything huge, I'm not gushing over this.... I'm just like... What the hell is this behavior about. Yes I know in codependency we shouldn't worry analyze peoples behavior... But you gotta admit.. This is strange.

freetosmile

I think the best for me to do here is be genuinely happy that he is feeling better and not try to dig any deeper in the issue.

I think that whatever is going on with him is between him and his HP. As far as I go, well I'll just keep trucking like usual.

Thanks guys, you always know just what to say.
Hugs!!

Refiner

Wow Free! That's pretty wild! What type of recovery program is he in? Do you think the therapy / counseling is also helping him? I really don't think this 180 can just be due to a pill he takes, but it could be enough to open a door for him where some good therapy sinks in and he's able to learn coping skills without a bottle?

Hawks

Sounds like my experience.

I got sober and my wife didn't know how to handle the changes.

I have no desire to "get back" to my old ways..... I didn't enjoy alcoholic depression and the self loathing that went with it.

The paranoia episodes he had were all part and parcel of the mental illness.

I had the same situation..... It seems very real at the time, but with recovery, I look back and think "I can't believe I thought that"

It is a dark place, I'm not excusing his handling of you, but I know from my experience, it's not something that I'm proud of and I really don't want to ever go there again.

I felt lower than shark poop.

Your man is doing really really well by the sounds of it.

Be glad for him, and for yourself.

That's the whole point of everything he's done to get recovery isn't it?

There will be ups n downs and a few bumps in the road, but as the saying goes "progress not perfection "

Thinking up ways to trip him up?

there's plenty of time for life to do that in a natural course of events.

Just take his behaviour as sincere and genuine until he gives you any real and genuine reason to believe otherwise.

I hope he is plugged in to a good group of people recovery wise.

It's been a cornerstone of my recovery, having people who have been there and understand the situation, just to talk things through with.

All the best FTS

It's nice to see a couple trying so hard to find the way back.

LexieCat

This is a very, very dangerous approach with an abuser. I, too, hope that his medication proves to have changed his behavior. I'm skeptical. Even assuming his paranoia about infidelity was attributable to his mental state, I'm not convinced that the violent response can be so easily explained.

Hypothetically, if a partner IS cheating (so the belief is justified, rather than the product of paranoia), violence is equally inexcusable as a response.

Conduct that is actually dangerous should not be risked by treating apparent change as if it is "sincere and genuine." The physical safety of the victim of physical abuse trumps soothing the feelings of the abuser.

I'm not discounting the possibility that the violence was directly caused by mental illness, but I am urging continued extreme caution.

NYCDoglvr

What I've personally experienced in recovery is two steps forward, one step back. There are good days and bad days, sometimes the sun shines but then it pours. Letting go of expectations and living life one day at a time (thank you Alanon!) works best for me because I value peace of mind above all else.