I'm feeling sad
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
I'm feeling sad
I got mad because he lied even though he's been sober and I told him he is so dishonest and manipulative and then he goes into his whole smile turn the tv on and ignore me.
Well, then he went on for about 15 minutes saying why am I so stupid to have stayed married to him then, that I'm such an idiot. He does this in "defense" of himself he says because he's not that bad.
And no apology other than to say "Sorry I got mad"
I guess it really did hurt me that he thinks Im stupid and he could tell but he just started watching sports.
Please don't rip me up for having tried this again - I thought it could be ok he's working a program this time.
Well, then he went on for about 15 minutes saying why am I so stupid to have stayed married to him then, that I'm such an idiot. He does this in "defense" of himself he says because he's not that bad.
And no apology other than to say "Sorry I got mad"
I guess it really did hurt me that he thinks Im stupid and he could tell but he just started watching sports.
Please don't rip me up for having tried this again - I thought it could be ok he's working a program this time.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm sorry you feel so hurt. I've been sober over two decades and know recovering alcoholics who aren't people I want to know personally while others are warm, kind and humble. Some relationships can't be fixed, there is too much hurt and anger. What helps is letting go of expectations of who someone will be once they stop drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know what he lied about, but think about this exchange for a moment. You didn't simply tell him you were upset that he lied, you told him he was "so dishonest and manipulative." So you launched the first salvo in an attack on his overall character, NOT simply something he did that upset you. HE responds in kind, calling you "stupid" for staying with someone who as obviously untrustworthy as you are telling me he is.
I doubt that he thinks you are stupid for staying with him. It was a tit-for-tat. You were angry, he was angry. Maybe next time you should wait until you are feeling calmer to discuss something that upsets you, so you can confine the discussion to the actual ACT that upset you, rather than smearing his overall character.
And if his overall character IS "dishonest and manipulative" then pointing it out isn't the most effective way to deal with that.
Hugs, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt.
I doubt that he thinks you are stupid for staying with him. It was a tit-for-tat. You were angry, he was angry. Maybe next time you should wait until you are feeling calmer to discuss something that upsets you, so you can confine the discussion to the actual ACT that upset you, rather than smearing his overall character.
And if his overall character IS "dishonest and manipulative" then pointing it out isn't the most effective way to deal with that.
Hugs, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
It actually started out as the thing he did was so manipulative & dishonest and him defending it then me going to if you cant see that you are manipulative and dishonest.
But I agree that sometimes there's damage that can't be repaired. Especially when half the couple isn't honest about what's going on.
But I agree that sometimes there's damage that can't be repaired. Especially when half the couple isn't honest about what's going on.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: up north! (U.K.)
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Originally Posted by Flavia2 
- I thought it could be ok he's working a program this time.
sorry - not intending to ridicule, just to highlight the situation. i hope you can be assertive without getting angry. allowing yourself to be walked all over isnt healthy for any relationship is it. i wish you every bit of luck.
cd
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I see what you're saying.
He said that the reason he hid stuff was because of the drinking but we're finding out that might not really be. And also because he doesn't want to have to explain whatever it is to me.
And when I ask are you even really working on that (honesty) he gets really angry. Which yeah - technically not my business. But since it impacts me I'd rather hear he's working on being honest but fell short this time.
Thank you though. I didn't take your comment as snarky and I have a ways to go to work out my own recovery.
He said that the reason he hid stuff was because of the drinking but we're finding out that might not really be. And also because he doesn't want to have to explain whatever it is to me.
And when I ask are you even really working on that (honesty) he gets really angry. Which yeah - technically not my business. But since it impacts me I'd rather hear he's working on being honest but fell short this time.
Thank you though. I didn't take your comment as snarky and I have a ways to go to work out my own recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
You're not stupid!
Addicts and narcissists pick people who are vulnerable to them. People they can manipulate and make feel small to take the focus off of their own inappropriate behavior, and/or blame, and/or enable them, and/or use in other ways.
The addict thinking of anyone who gets close to or tries to help them as "stupid", says a lot about them. Also, some addicts have such a low opinion of themselves, they think that anyone who is with them is a fool.
You're chances to grow and overcome where you're at right now is pretty good, as long as you don't believe the lies and focus on you, rather than him.
(((Hugs)))
Addicts and narcissists pick people who are vulnerable to them. People they can manipulate and make feel small to take the focus off of their own inappropriate behavior, and/or blame, and/or enable them, and/or use in other ways.
The addict thinking of anyone who gets close to or tries to help them as "stupid", says a lot about them. Also, some addicts have such a low opinion of themselves, they think that anyone who is with them is a fool.
You're chances to grow and overcome where you're at right now is pretty good, as long as you don't believe the lies and focus on you, rather than him.
(((Hugs)))
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