Reaching out to other parents that have kick their child out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Some one asked how he gets the alcohol.... The girlfriend works every other weekend and buys it with her money.
He has no daily meal plan at college because he was coming home so much so we just bought a small amount of meals for the entire semester since he really is only there 3.5 days.
He still has not made the call. He will be told tonight that his gf is not allowed in our home if we are not present.
He has no daily meal plan at college because he was coming home so much so we just bought a small amount of meals for the entire semester since he really is only there 3.5 days.
He still has not made the call. He will be told tonight that his gf is not allowed in our home if we are not present.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Why are you allowing her to buy him alcohol? he is technically underage.
as i mentioned, there is a sick dynamic with their relationship, you are condoning what they do by allowing it to continue. Last weekend she stated that she no longer wanted contact, now she is coming back? what do her own parents think about this relationship?
His apartment has a fridge and a stove? he can make a sandwich and heat up things? He is capable of feeding himself if he is hungry i am sure he's not starving.
I knowthat this is difficult for you, but you really need to consider that you fully enable his behavior by what you are allowing to continue.
as i mentioned, there is a sick dynamic with their relationship, you are condoning what they do by allowing it to continue. Last weekend she stated that she no longer wanted contact, now she is coming back? what do her own parents think about this relationship?
His apartment has a fridge and a stove? he can make a sandwich and heat up things? He is capable of feeding himself if he is hungry i am sure he's not starving.
I knowthat this is difficult for you, but you really need to consider that you fully enable his behavior by what you are allowing to continue.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Half of the cooks in restaurants smoke weed when they take a work break. He could find a job, he chooses not to. I don't care how awful a living arrangement is, it can be made tolerable. If it causes him anxiety it needs to be addressed why that is. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but the more he is enabled the more he will continue this behavior. I think it's great that you are setting boundaries for your own sanity.
Tight, tight hugs to you.
Tight, tight hugs to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 
He still has not made the call. He will be told tonight that his gf is not allowed in our home if we are not present.
An appropriate boundary, set up with her as well, is that she not come to your house at all. He is coercing her to buy him alcohol, detaining her against her will and possibly laying hands on her to restrain her. For both their sakes it has to stop.
Make it clear to her you are thinking of her welfare.
At the moment, he's calling you out on a number of 'threats'. This is the decisive time, because he will be waiting to see how determined you are to follow through. His mental illness and behaviour will worsen if he understands there will be no consequences. You have a good alternative of a place for him to stay, where he can heat up food and study in peace. Use it for his sake.
I remember you being at the point of leaving yourself and that's just not right.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello hummingbird, how are you today?
I wish I could tell you that getting your son to leave your home will be an easy process, but I can't because I think that would be an outright lie on my part. If you are ready for him to live on his own because you would like your peaceful home haven again, it will be with a lot of angry, heated words, I feel. If he has been violent with his girlfriend in your home, it is entirely possible that he may try to be violent with you as well.
His addiction is scrambling and struggling to stay alive, and it will fight you every step of the way as you push your son toward total independence. That's how I learned to view my stepsons behavior--as his addiction fighting to stay alive.
I hope you will come to understand that your home is just that, your home. You get to decide the house rules, you get to decide what sort of behavior is acceptable around you and in your home. Each of us deserves a safe haven to go to at the end of every day.
My stepson is still an on-again, off-again alcoholic....he is currently drinking and taking advantage of any one who will "rescue" him. Mr. Seren and I, however, don't do so anymore. We were always so afraid of where he would sleep at night or how he would feed himself. What we learned is that he is pretty resourceful. I imagine your son is, too.
I hope you also know that you don't have to have this all solved in one day. You are perfectly within your rights to think about what you are willing to do or not do on your son's behalf. A valid response to any of your son's self-induced "emergencies" is "Your father and I will have to think about that. We will get back to you with our answer."
None of this is easy, but the payoff in the long run may be well worth it! Sending hugs!!
I wish I could tell you that getting your son to leave your home will be an easy process, but I can't because I think that would be an outright lie on my part. If you are ready for him to live on his own because you would like your peaceful home haven again, it will be with a lot of angry, heated words, I feel. If he has been violent with his girlfriend in your home, it is entirely possible that he may try to be violent with you as well.
His addiction is scrambling and struggling to stay alive, and it will fight you every step of the way as you push your son toward total independence. That's how I learned to view my stepsons behavior--as his addiction fighting to stay alive.
I hope you will come to understand that your home is just that, your home. You get to decide the house rules, you get to decide what sort of behavior is acceptable around you and in your home. Each of us deserves a safe haven to go to at the end of every day.
My stepson is still an on-again, off-again alcoholic....he is currently drinking and taking advantage of any one who will "rescue" him. Mr. Seren and I, however, don't do so anymore. We were always so afraid of where he would sleep at night or how he would feed himself. What we learned is that he is pretty resourceful. I imagine your son is, too.
I hope you also know that you don't have to have this all solved in one day. You are perfectly within your rights to think about what you are willing to do or not do on your son's behalf. A valid response to any of your son's self-induced "emergencies" is "Your father and I will have to think about that. We will get back to you with our answer."
None of this is easy, but the payoff in the long run may be well worth it! Sending hugs!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Its the weekend. Thinking about you Hummingbird.
It sounds like you have a long history of taking care of everyone else and accommodating everyone else. It seems so selfish to stick up for your needs and place some boundaries. But you count too. You matter. As backwards as it may seem, your release in this matter is by putting yourself first.
Take care.
It sounds like you have a long history of taking care of everyone else and accommodating everyone else. It seems so selfish to stick up for your needs and place some boundaries. But you count too. You matter. As backwards as it may seem, your release in this matter is by putting yourself first.
Take care.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I remember taking 2 Tylenol several times through the night and just laying there upset staring at the ceiling or the TV from bed....wondering what my little darling was up to and with whom... I fought it tooth and nail for a while, then with the help of her father I gave up, he took over as she was afraid to disobey him....I worried more and more...One day about 6 months later, I came home from work and noticed that my house was just the way I left it, clean and peaceful...there was no mess to clean up, no anger, no strange boys on my new couch...and I finally relaxed. She was 17 at the time and did well for a couple of years until she inherited enough money to make her think she did not have to work. I tried to guide her to put the $$ into safe mutual funds and told her in a couple of years she would have a NICE down payment on a real home that she could call her own to grow her own start of wealth.
nope, she blew it within 15 months...nothing to show for it. I really surrendered at that point and I don't even do AA.
Although I am the alcoholic (sober since May 2011), I learn so much here from everyone, I can see the scenarios that I went through and finally it makes sense.
Don't let your son's selfish garbage and sense of entitlement steal years of your life. You can't get it back.
nope, she blew it within 15 months...nothing to show for it. I really surrendered at that point and I don't even do AA.
Although I am the alcoholic (sober since May 2011), I learn so much here from everyone, I can see the scenarios that I went through and finally it makes sense.
Don't let your son's selfish garbage and sense of entitlement steal years of your life. You can't get it back.
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