Reaching out to other parents that have kick their child out
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Reaching out to other parents that have kick their child out
As most of you know I have a 20 year old college student. He has no car. No job. No friends to live with. I give him $10 on a Monday so he can buy breakfast while at school. Otherwise he uses his meal plan. I give him no other money. He comes home on Thursday nights and I live on edge until Monday when we take him back to school. His girlfriend finally has suspended their relationship. She said it is unhealthy for her and I am happy she has finally came to that decision. She text me that my son keeps sending her emails and that he wants another chance but she said no right now. YEH!
So we had told him before about kicking him out but like always he thinks we are a joke. His girlfriend tried before to and he just doesn't listen to anyone.
How did you kick your child out? Do you give him a week or just pack up his things and shut the door? When we told him before we were going to do that he said "How is that helping me?" How can you do that to your own son?
IF you have done this, please share what you do. I don't want him to quit college, he graduates in December. I would like him to at least finish the semester.
So we had told him before about kicking him out but like always he thinks we are a joke. His girlfriend tried before to and he just doesn't listen to anyone.
How did you kick your child out? Do you give him a week or just pack up his things and shut the door? When we told him before we were going to do that he said "How is that helping me?" How can you do that to your own son?
IF you have done this, please share what you do. I don't want him to quit college, he graduates in December. I would like him to at least finish the semester.
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Hello hummingbird!
I don't know that there is a 'right way', but I can tell you what happened with my stepson.
After my stepson had been in the hospital the first time detoxing, going through the DTs, and allegedly attending IOP therapy, he decided to turn to crack. My husband told him that he would support him in paying the down payment and assist with 6 months rent on an apartment, and that he had 30 days to find one. At the end of 30 days, he had to be out one way or the other. The 30 days had to be a notice in writing according to the laws of our state (like evicting a tenant) so that if the police were needed in removing him, we could show that we had acted according to the law.
The only conditions upon which my husband's assistance rested were 1) Get and keep a job; 2) Stay clean and sober; 3) Don't get arrested. On his final weekend in his father's house, my stepson used crack, was arrested, overslept once released from jail and lost his job!
Still, out he went that weekend. He hadn't even bothered to look for anyplace to live because he didn't think his father would actually make him leave--but he did.
Our peace of mind, our sleep, our joy--all gone because of this threatening and unpredictable young man--whom we love dearly. But, he had to go. And, go he did, in a cloud of obscenities and last minute scrambling around for some sort of roommate situation.
It was a horrible weekend, and the weeks that followed were not that much fun either. However, we eventually found peace, and he at least learned that we were not going to enable him any longer.
Does your son have on-campus housing that is paid for? If so, he has some place to stay until he graduates. I know plenty of undergraduates who live on campus all week long and on the weekends. Whether or not he actually does graduate is really up to him--I know that seems like such a waste if he doesn't, but it would be very, very hard on you if you try to be his jailer until he does.
My stepson used to say things like "everyone says they want to help me but no one ever does anything". You see, "help" to my stepson is someone else paying for his apartment, someone else paying for and even preparing his food, someone else paying for his phone, someone else buying his car, paying for the gas, and paying for the insurance. Oh, and giving him spending money so that he could play big man about town. To me, helping my stepson is doing what will be best for him in the long-term. My husband and I won't live forever. We won't be able to clean up his messes, pay off his debts, fix all the problems in his life that he creates for as long as HE lives. What we can do is encourage him by telling him we know he can figure it out--because he can! We tell him every chance we get that we love him, and if he wants to talk out a problem with us, we are more than willing to listen--as long as he's not "3-sheets" when he calls.
None of this is easy. The period of time when my stepson was evicted from his father's home was probably one of the most stressful and trying periods of our lives. In the long run, however, it will ultimately benefit the young man as he continues to learn how to make his own way in this world.
Sending hugs and hugs and prayers to you and yours!
I don't know that there is a 'right way', but I can tell you what happened with my stepson.
After my stepson had been in the hospital the first time detoxing, going through the DTs, and allegedly attending IOP therapy, he decided to turn to crack. My husband told him that he would support him in paying the down payment and assist with 6 months rent on an apartment, and that he had 30 days to find one. At the end of 30 days, he had to be out one way or the other. The 30 days had to be a notice in writing according to the laws of our state (like evicting a tenant) so that if the police were needed in removing him, we could show that we had acted according to the law.
The only conditions upon which my husband's assistance rested were 1) Get and keep a job; 2) Stay clean and sober; 3) Don't get arrested. On his final weekend in his father's house, my stepson used crack, was arrested, overslept once released from jail and lost his job!
Still, out he went that weekend. He hadn't even bothered to look for anyplace to live because he didn't think his father would actually make him leave--but he did.
Our peace of mind, our sleep, our joy--all gone because of this threatening and unpredictable young man--whom we love dearly. But, he had to go. And, go he did, in a cloud of obscenities and last minute scrambling around for some sort of roommate situation.
It was a horrible weekend, and the weeks that followed were not that much fun either. However, we eventually found peace, and he at least learned that we were not going to enable him any longer.
Does your son have on-campus housing that is paid for? If so, he has some place to stay until he graduates. I know plenty of undergraduates who live on campus all week long and on the weekends. Whether or not he actually does graduate is really up to him--I know that seems like such a waste if he doesn't, but it would be very, very hard on you if you try to be his jailer until he does.
My stepson used to say things like "everyone says they want to help me but no one ever does anything". You see, "help" to my stepson is someone else paying for his apartment, someone else paying for and even preparing his food, someone else paying for his phone, someone else buying his car, paying for the gas, and paying for the insurance. Oh, and giving him spending money so that he could play big man about town. To me, helping my stepson is doing what will be best for him in the long-term. My husband and I won't live forever. We won't be able to clean up his messes, pay off his debts, fix all the problems in his life that he creates for as long as HE lives. What we can do is encourage him by telling him we know he can figure it out--because he can! We tell him every chance we get that we love him, and if he wants to talk out a problem with us, we are more than willing to listen--as long as he's not "3-sheets" when he calls.
None of this is easy. The period of time when my stepson was evicted from his father's home was probably one of the most stressful and trying periods of our lives. In the long run, however, it will ultimately benefit the young man as he continues to learn how to make his own way in this world.
Sending hugs and hugs and prayers to you and yours!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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No personal experience with this, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of your family. You might try the F&F of substance abusers forum for this question. There seems to be a higher concentration of parents on there, and I can think of several members who have personal experience with this type of situation. Whether alcohol or drugs, addiction is addiction. So sorry you are going through this. (((hummingbird)))
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Thank you, Ladyscribber! We also have a new forum that is specifically for those of us who have alcoholic or addict family members that are not romantic partners--sons, daughters, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, parents, etc. Please don't hesitate to join us there, too!
NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Yes, Seren's got to going on! I was going to ask too about the dorm situation. Surely he can stay till the end of the semester. It would be a good first step and he would finally see that you are serious.
I too, worried about the graduation thing until my son walked across that stage. Even at that point I held my breath. But, there are worse things. My husband always felt that our son should have #1 worked before going to college and #2 pay for it himself.
I kick myself now, because I think he would have matured faster and without issues. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I too, worried about the graduation thing until my son walked across that stage. Even at that point I held my breath. But, there are worse things. My husband always felt that our son should have #1 worked before going to college and #2 pay for it himself.
I kick myself now, because I think he would have matured faster and without issues. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
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He has a dorm and a meal plan? he does have a place to live through the end of the semester? he could find a JOB on weekends, if he is sending emails and texts, he has a phone and most likely a laptop. You are paying for his tuition or he has student loans.
it seems that he has a lot more than others, and a lot has been handed to him, yet he finds $$ to buy booze, disrespect his parents and women in that he is verbally abusive and bullying to his former GF.
The world does not revolve around him.
I never had to toss my daughter out, she was living with her father at the time, but I distinctly remember telling her that she was "off my payroll", she wasted an incrediable amount of $$ on drugs and a lifestyle she could not afford. She was 25. i went no contact for 5 years, changed the locks on my house, blocked her phone and email, changed my land line phone number.
..During this time, she somewhat grew up and behaved like an adult, pays for her own grad school, got married. Sadly, she still expects that i "owe" her. and after a year of contact, I could see we were headed down the same road. She is 34 now and still feeling angry and resentful, but this is her issue, not mine. i won't allow her to dictate my life. i work very hard to provide a nice home and decent lifestyle, save $$ (for my upcoming old age, snork). It is not her place to tell me what to do. She is welcome in my home, but she cannot disrespect me or wipe her feet on mama to come in the door.
it seems that he has a lot more than others, and a lot has been handed to him, yet he finds $$ to buy booze, disrespect his parents and women in that he is verbally abusive and bullying to his former GF.
The world does not revolve around him.
I never had to toss my daughter out, she was living with her father at the time, but I distinctly remember telling her that she was "off my payroll", she wasted an incrediable amount of $$ on drugs and a lifestyle she could not afford. She was 25. i went no contact for 5 years, changed the locks on my house, blocked her phone and email, changed my land line phone number.
..During this time, she somewhat grew up and behaved like an adult, pays for her own grad school, got married. Sadly, she still expects that i "owe" her. and after a year of contact, I could see we were headed down the same road. She is 34 now and still feeling angry and resentful, but this is her issue, not mine. i won't allow her to dictate my life. i work very hard to provide a nice home and decent lifestyle, save $$ (for my upcoming old age, snork). It is not her place to tell me what to do. She is welcome in my home, but she cannot disrespect me or wipe her feet on mama to come in the door.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Alcohol is the most severe problem. I know no one will like this but my therapist said that alcohol is the most evil one in my sons life. He also does weed.
As for his living arrangements at college, he lives alone in a horrible apartment which causes him much anxiety. He hated it last year but he was a transfer student and was new to the apartment thing. After 2 weeks of moving in and attending a new college, the landlord knocked on his door and said I need to know if you are staying here next year cuz if not I have someone who wants to see the apartment. So my son signed the lease and then he was stuck for another year of living there . It is a horrible apartment and he gets very upset staying there for just 3 nights.
Today I gave him 2 numbers that he could choose to call for therapy. HE did neither. He said he wanted to wait until he talks with his gf on Saturday. If she gives him another chance he will go to get help. If she won't take him back, then he won't seek help. I told him that was bs and that he needs to take care of himself and show that he wants to change. I told him that we will not be paying for summer classes and his graduation date will be postponed unless he gets help. His comeback was "wow that is punishment... attacking my education". I said well your degrees are going to be worthless if you are a drunk. I don't know what he will decide but I also said that he can just stay at school if he won't change and that he didn't like. I honestly do not know anymore. He is upset because he has no money and that gets in his mind. He has not money because he can't pass a drug test for a job! How smart he is but he has terrible priorities.
As for his living arrangements at college, he lives alone in a horrible apartment which causes him much anxiety. He hated it last year but he was a transfer student and was new to the apartment thing. After 2 weeks of moving in and attending a new college, the landlord knocked on his door and said I need to know if you are staying here next year cuz if not I have someone who wants to see the apartment. So my son signed the lease and then he was stuck for another year of living there . It is a horrible apartment and he gets very upset staying there for just 3 nights.
Today I gave him 2 numbers that he could choose to call for therapy. HE did neither. He said he wanted to wait until he talks with his gf on Saturday. If she gives him another chance he will go to get help. If she won't take him back, then he won't seek help. I told him that was bs and that he needs to take care of himself and show that he wants to change. I told him that we will not be paying for summer classes and his graduation date will be postponed unless he gets help. His comeback was "wow that is punishment... attacking my education". I said well your degrees are going to be worthless if you are a drunk. I don't know what he will decide but I also said that he can just stay at school if he won't change and that he didn't like. I honestly do not know anymore. He is upset because he has no money and that gets in his mind. He has not money because he can't pass a drug test for a job! How smart he is but he has terrible priorities.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hummingbird, they say that consequences for ones actions are the best teachers. Not that it's easy, but I believe it's absolute truth.
take care of yourself. and let him do the same, as much as you possibly can.
hugs
chicory
take care of yourself. and let him do the same, as much as you possibly can.
hugs
chicory
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There are plenty of places that don't drug test for work. Even if they did, and he just does weed, he can probably quit for a week or two and pass if it's a urine screen. Unless he has cockroaches, is tell him to stay at school until the end of the semester. If he has no money, he can't drink. He will be well-fed. He could even get a job on campus in food service. I'm guessing they don't screen there.
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Originally Posted by INgal 
There are plenty of places that don't drug test for work. Even if they did, and he just does weed, he can probably quit for a week or two and pass if it's a urine screen. Unless he has cockroaches, is tell him to stay at school until the end of the semester. If he has no money, he can't drink. He will be well-fed. He could even get a job on campus in food service. I'm guessing they don't screen there.
He has his rent paid and and meals.
He could get a job if he actually wanted to for extra money.
Perhaps consider letting him experience actual consequences for violating boundaries in your home as you told him he would, or expect more and more push back.
You aren't leaving him homeless.
Perhaps the anxiety of being in apartment on his own will push him to get some help.
Meanwhile, you can have a little peace in your own home.
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He has no money but gets booze and weed. Well, someone is giving him money or he is stealing and pawning stuff.
Your son has real problems. Drinking and smoking pot are both illegal for him. He also verbally and possibly physically abuses the girlfriend. He has also imprisoned her more than once in your home. Do you realize this makes you complissant(sp?) You could face legal problems if she were to go to the police.
I know he is your son and you would do anything for him. I have sons as well. My youngest is 22. He and I have bashed heads recently and I gave him an ultimatum. He has 90 days to find his own place or pay rent. My son doesn't have drug or alcohol problems. But he does have attitude issues. So, time for him to grow up. I love him but sometimes taking a hard line is the only thing that works
Your son has real problems. Drinking and smoking pot are both illegal for him. He also verbally and possibly physically abuses the girlfriend. He has also imprisoned her more than once in your home. Do you realize this makes you complissant(sp?) You could face legal problems if she were to go to the police.
I know he is your son and you would do anything for him. I have sons as well. My youngest is 22. He and I have bashed heads recently and I gave him an ultimatum. He has 90 days to find his own place or pay rent. My son doesn't have drug or alcohol problems. But he does have attitude issues. So, time for him to grow up. I love him but sometimes taking a hard line is the only thing that works
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Hmmm, "living alone in a horrible apt. that he can barely stand, it causes him anxiety"? A meal plan and attending school with tuition paid in full by his parents...
and he his giving you ultimatums?
An entitled spoiled drunk who refuses to contibute, if he does not get help, this behavior will probably get worse.
Leave him at school this weekend, he is planning his weekend of stalking the former gf and drinking, making everyone upset so he gets his way.
I know you are so upset, i remember not being able to sleep for weeks over my daughter's bad behavior.
and he his giving you ultimatums?
An entitled spoiled drunk who refuses to contibute, if he does not get help, this behavior will probably get worse.
Leave him at school this weekend, he is planning his weekend of stalking the former gf and drinking, making everyone upset so he gets his way.
I know you are so upset, i remember not being able to sleep for weeks over my daughter's bad behavior.
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He is upset because he has no money and that gets in his mind. He has not money because he can't pass a drug test for a job! How smart he is but he has terrible priorities.
Peace to you. Hummingbird. Very sorry you're going through this.
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Your son is depressed and abusing drugs and alcohol. And he is young enough for a fresh start and still has family supporting him. If you give him an ultimatum you may lose him. If you don't show some tough love you will definitely lose him. Sending warm wishes your way.
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hummingbird...this brings one of my memories to mind...(it is a bit tangential)....one of my classmates---told me that when he was in college, he lived in a two room over a gas station.
The front window had no glass--and the bats would come in at night, sometimes.
The coast guard paid his tuition....his mother was a far advanced alcoholic and spent her time between institutions and the street.
Today, he is a very successful emergency room doctor.
My point is only this....many, many, student have to live in the absolute pits....
dandylion
The front window had no glass--and the bats would come in at night, sometimes.
The coast guard paid his tuition....his mother was a far advanced alcoholic and spent her time between institutions and the street.
Today, he is a very successful emergency room doctor.
My point is only this....many, many, student have to live in the absolute pits....
dandylion
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there are landscapers and garden services everywhere. They do NOT drug test to you to rake leaves, winter debris and spread mulch, it is springtime and they are advertising. my nephew does this on the weekends
(2nd job, he has a strong back, a 4 year old and a mortgage), makes close to $100. per day for 7 hours. During the week he has his real job of managing a delivery warehouse for one of the big appliance sellers.
my point is that he is able to work if he wants to, not taking too much time away from "studying" to complete the last semester that you have paid for. he could earn and save his own money for his own future and learn some valuable skills to take care of himself instead of being totally dependant on his parents.
(2nd job, he has a strong back, a 4 year old and a mortgage), makes close to $100. per day for 7 hours. During the week he has his real job of managing a delivery warehouse for one of the big appliance sellers.
my point is that he is able to work if he wants to, not taking too much time away from "studying" to complete the last semester that you have paid for. he could earn and save his own money for his own future and learn some valuable skills to take care of himself instead of being totally dependant on his parents.
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Hummingbird you've made a great start. It's probably best if he stays at college. And really, a horrible apartment that depresses him? Millions would give anything for that opportunity.
He's spoiled and entitled. Instead of getting sincere thanks for giving him these opportunities, he's being abusive.
Can I suggest you call his GF and tell her that whatever he decides, you'd prefer she didn't visit? You run the risk of being complicit in abuse and unlawful detention.
He's spoiled and entitled. Instead of getting sincere thanks for giving him these opportunities, he's being abusive.
Can I suggest you call his GF and tell her that whatever he decides, you'd prefer she didn't visit? You run the risk of being complicit in abuse and unlawful detention.
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