searching peace

I just read this! Very much inspirational. Agreeing with all that was written and doing what you know you should do are very different! I am having a difficult time and struggling to do what I know I should do. It is that common fear that what if he does recover and I have left. Or the fear that I won't be able to make it financially without him. Among so many other fears. But living in fear is not living at all. And the way I am living is a horrible example for my children.

Butterfly

Searching I get the fear of being alone, I am too but is being alone, happy and feeling peaceful scarier than a life with your A, the chaos, the abuse, being neglected and your life being all about him??

What about you, what about your life being about you and what makes you happy??

CodeJob

Your fear of abandonment can be conquered.

Work on your sense of self worth. Meet some new friends. Join some women only activities - book clubs, work out class, church or school or community volunteering.

You need to build yourself a social group - particularly if your H wants to drink himself to death.

Your focus should be your future.

atalose

You mentioned that your children are not fond of him. Aren't you worried about destroying your relationship with your children by begging the person they don't want around to come back?

I understand fear but putting our children's best interests before our own is smart and healthy parenting.

searching peace

I am not worried about destroying my relationship with my children. We have a very open, honest and close relationship. I have always out my children's needs ahead of my own. When I say that I am begging him to come back, that does not mean him moving back into this house with my children. One of my children lives in a different state to attend college and my other two have four years left at home and then they will go away for college.
I appreciate your comments. I want to be clear that my children and their needs come before mine all day every day. I am their only parent and I would not do anything to put them in harms way. While I have seen my AH, I have kept him away from my children and the house.

killerinstinct

Wow same story as you I believed in vows too but he couldn't care less.. It's not you its him.. I know it's killing you right now but he will regret this one day but sadly you would have moved on by then and it will be a while away. I promise u you'll get through it... I wish I had someone to talk to when my husband left me with a baby and moved onto another or multiple women.. I had no one.. Please stay on this forum as you walk through this.. It's not rejection it's protection - you weren't made to be be abused by him and anything bad for us usually is taken away by our creator .. You were made for so much more than all of this.. You're beautiful .. Your treasured and your worthy.

1Datatime

Searching peace, I can identify so closely with you. I also have 4 more years until my youngest graduates high school. I've got no idea what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future. You are valuable and loved.

IloveRRR

(((((((SP)))))))- While i am struggling with my AH's disease right now i was previously married to a physically and mentally abusive alcoholoc and drug user for 11 long years. I loved him dearly and we had some great times together but most of our life was horror and pain yet i couldnt leave. He did unspeakable things to me including getting drunk, raping me and holding a knife to my chest and told me i was going to die that night....AND I STILL STAYED!!!!!!! People (including my AH now) always say "How could you stay?" Only those of us that have lived it can understand. I did finally leave him, got my own apartment, found him in bed naked with a girl in our house when i showed up for some of my personal items and then guess what i did? TOOK HIM BACK!! MY PRIDE would not allow "her" to win- its all so SICK. My point in sharing this is he violated his probation by shoplifting and was taken to jail to finish his "time" which was about a year- no chance of parole- period. At first I cried and cried, went to prison to see him, and struggled financially without his income. The during a prison visit he was screaming at me to put more $$ on his books so he could buy candy and i thought "What in the HELL am I doing?- this man only cares about HIMSELF!" I walked out of the prison, went back to my apartment and realized I was happy- the only time I was UNHAPPY was when i was talking to him on the phone or visitng him. I wrote him a letter explaining it all and that was the end. I was FREE and happy. So as was said in the above post: YOUR PRISON DOORS ARE ABOUT TO OPEN. I am married to an alcoholic now, and he struggles- but he is not abusive, not a cheater, not a liar, etc....So while being with him has its struggles he is not abusive. You are going to be happier without him- i gaurantee you that- i lived it. I'm happy you are about to be set free!

hopeful4

Searching, one thing I want to mention is in putting your kids first, you need to put YOU first too. The best thing you can do for your children is give them the best you possible. Is that mentally possible if you are so involved with him?

Maybe so, maybe not. That is for you to decide. XXX

atalose

You don’t want him around your children or at your house – so then what exactly do you want from this man?

What about him makes holding on to him this important to you?

searching peace

I do not know what happened or came over me. But I hope it doesn't stop. I suddenly am seeing my stbxah very clearly and seeing his A ways very clearly. I am able to detach when he starts all of the common behaviors that A's do. I think I see how crazy my life has been with him driving the bus. I'm ready to get off of the crazy bus. Now I just have to find a way to go back to the attorney and ask him not to have the PFA dropped. And to go ahead with the divorce and try to have no contact. The only thing is I'm scared of what stbxah will do if he thinks I want out. He can be really nasty and abusive when he thinks I'm not doing what he wants. I'm so tired of not being able to live my life because of fear and fear of how someone else will react. I want to be in charge of my own life. I don't want to be judged because of someone else's problems anymore. And I don't want my children to think any of this is acceptable and normal.

killerinstinct

One minute at a time

honeypig

searching peace, someone posted this thought here on SR some time ago. It struck me that this was what I'd done my whole life also, and I didn't want to do it any more either. I think you may be there too:

I never wanted to feel like my life depended on keeping someone else in it ever again.

Wishing you continued clarity and the strength to act upon what you see.