atalose

I’m glad you saw the reality of this guy and not just “potential”.

His past history is a guiding light for you to his future history.

Don’t forget that. People don’t change just for other people.

I have no doubt he is going to pull out all the stops to ensure he has a roof over his head at your place. He’s going to plead, beg and promise you the moon because he knows you are vulnerable. After all you knew he was a drunk and that red flag didn’t stop you from progressing your relationship with him and inviting him to move in with you and he knows that.

You had some idea of his past behavior so his current behavior shouldn’t be all that shocking except I’m sure you never thought he’d turn on you, his friend, his sleeping partner his side kick Elaine but that’s what alcoholics do. And that behavior only grows worse.

Be cautious and strong because he NEEDS a place to live, period. He going to be sorry, he’s going to say anything he can to get that roof over his head and be able to continue his life just as he sees fit.

velma929

In two years, he's been thrown out of his housing twice.

... he was listening to music , pretty much going mental dancing, but he was doing things like spitting on the floor, and then he got naked and was peeing out the window , and then he spilt win all over me. I didn't have much to drink just a few sips as I was driving home soon.


I can't imagine why he's being asked to leave. /end sarcasm

Even without the drinking, shouldn't a 45-year-old have a better handle on life than this?

So it dawned on me last night watching him that this is what I'll be living with. Drunkeness. And I thought, I just can't. So I asked him is this what's going to happen at my place. And he assured me no, it's your house and I wouldn't. But I'm wasn't sure if I believed him. I remember when he lived at his sisters in 2013, he told me they kept saying to him to grow up, and I started remembering I'd get drunken messages from him when he was living there too and then I thought , it's not going to be any different at my house is it?


No, it's not. There are many things we can put up with in friends that are unacceptable or a consort. If I have a friend who lives in a hovel but spends all his money on toys, or has a religion I don't subscribe to, or is in debt, or has six kids from six baby-mammas, or is an alcoholic, that doesn't effect me. (Or affect. I never know which.) When he becomes my consort all those things do. You're not just going from friend to consort. You're going from buddy to live-in lover.

Columnist Ann Landers used to say, "Marriage isn't reform school." Neither is a live-in arrangement.

Your gut is right. Step away from the room mate.

Tuesday1969

No he didnt beg to stay at my place. He has definitely been texting about how sorry and ashamed he is though.

Also what he DID do though was further insult me by sending texts in the last day or so saying that he felt like i was pressuring him into having sex with me. Its utter bull, as he made all the moves on me! three times over the weekend!

Saying also that he never wanted a relationship. Utter rubbish because when i went over on monday night and brought up his drinking problem, he told me that i was "creating road blocks to stop us from falling in love"

I have no idea what goes on in his head. Can someone tell me why he is so contradictory. I have been felling dizzy all day just trying to work it out

I feel like i am in mourning. Like mourning for the type of guy i THOUGHT he was, (his potential i guess) I had no idea he was verbally abusive. I think the day after i got those text messages, i just spent the entire day just staring at the wall or the ceiling. I was so stunned.

I guess though that if he HAD moved in, and he had got drunk and messy one night, and i HAD told him here that he had to move out , a similar argument might have occurred, but not via text, in person, and who knows what could have happened to me.

I know he doesnt have many, or even any friends that he hangs out with, so i know there is some history that i dont know about there/ Perhaps other friends or lovers have been through this exact thing with him

I just feel so sad

Because

a) loss of a lover that i really liked. And he told me he loved me the night we got together

b) loss of a friend ive had for two years. He has texted though saying he wants to repair the friendship...

c) loss of fun times i envisaged . we made lots of plans re living together and we were really compatible like that

d) and the knowledge that he did send me 150 very abusive text messages telling me to die and calling me every name under the sun. All because i told him i wasnt sure about him moving in because of his spitting pissing and spitting

Tuesday1969

I woke up yesterday , or everyday feeling like there is no way i could live with him, that i dont trust him now etc. That i cant fix him and it is just not my problem to deal with .

Then almost telepathically as i am in this *stay away* mentality he sends me these text messages today telling me how he never wanted a relationship anyway, that it was all me wanting a boyfriend etc. Just to upset me, and i kind of thought perhaps to make me WANT to ask him to move in, in some kind of twisted reverse psychology technique

its utter rubbish because he told me he loved me and initiated all the sex we had that weekend. What a tool

I think you are right. I think he is being kicked out because of something he has done at that flat. Even when i was in my 20s i never knew any guys who were as degenerate as this. Or anyone for that matter. Spitting in the street is bad enough. But in your own house on the floor?

Honestly i am so rocked by emotion and dismay i really dont know how to get over all this.

Sungrl

BLOCK HIM and move on. He is going to do nothing but give you grief! (if you let him) Don't let him.

doggonecarl

The emotion you should be rocked with is relief. Relief that he's not in your house and that you are not posting, "How do I get rid of this alcoholic?"

Kimmieh

He is an alcoholic. Please don't try to make sense of it. I am sure my ex loved (loves) me very much, but he still acted in hurtful ways. He also remembers things differently than I do.

And 150 abusive texts sounds so horrible. And that is when you should be in your honeymoon phase...The sex part is just laughable, too.

It's hard now, but it ALWAYS gets better. Just hang in there!

Tuesday1969

That would truly be a nightmare

atalose

Don’t want to sound mean here but, one weekend of sex and the words I love you doesn’t a lover make.

At some point it stops being all about THEIR alcoholism and isues and becomes all about our own.

Tuesday1969

Yeah but we have been best friends for two years, and he has told me he loves me before, platonically, , so it wasn't really unusual. But ofcourse he had been drinking

littlesister1

Are you going to miss these abusive texts? 'Cause he is just starting to reveal to you who he is
It will only get uglier

Tuesday1969

Yes, thanks, it's silly trying to make sense of the nonsensical. It's crazy making.

Although I am sad the whole thing happened, at least he didn't move in and we had a fight while he was drunk here, I know it would have been a nightmare to get him to move out.

I expect that if he can't find anywhere to move in the next 2weeks he will ask to move in and I'm just going to have to say no. It's such a shame how drinking destroys everything good in someone's life.

When he came over last weekend he was drunk when I picked him up and he left his wallet at home deliberately , saying he "didn't have one" (drunkeness) and so I paid for everything all weekend. He also the other day sent me texts complaining that child support is starting to take $30 a week out of his account for his two kids. That's a massive turn off for me, he obviously is not very responsible.

So I also started to worry that he might not pay rent all the time. Even though he told me he is "neat" and pays his rent. Then when I went over there were 6 dirty towels screwed up in the corner of his bedroom.

I think someone's watching over me, I was meant to find all this out before he moved in . Still though, I am very sad

Tuesday1969

Yep. But I spent the last two years pretty much unaware of it, so I am in shock still.

Definitely won't miss the texts, they are shocking . I know it would have been worse if he was angry when I was right in front of him. He could have hurt me physically, who knows.

I guess I am just sad because I thought he was a nice guy, I thought that for two years

littlesister1

Sad is normal.....

He MAY be a good friend, maybe not....time will tell

Tuesday1969

Who would forgive him for sending those texts? Should I ? I don't know

Even if he has texted me how sorry and ashamed he is. That propensity for nastiness is within him. People get drunk but not everyone has that level of horribleness in their soul

velma929

It's okay to be sad.

Many years ago, in another life, a love relationship of mine ended. I was sad, but I knew we were not meant to be together forever. I realized I felt very much like a pet had died. In fact, it was like the death of an idea: the idea that we'd be together forever.

Rosalba

You have had a really, really lucky escape. I wish I'd paid more attention to my ex-partner's abusive, drunken behaviour BEFORE I turned my life upside down to go and move in with him!

Here you have someone who gets drunk, inappropriate and obnoxious - who then abuses YOU rather than looking at his own behaviour. I know how difficult it is to let go of a relationship when you've been feeling really optimistic about it, and have mentally planned a future together - but you need to be realistic about how that future's likely to be.

It sounds as though you already are. You may be feeling bad about things right now, but, believe me - that will be nothing compared to the sort of doo-doo this guy would put you through if he moved in. And you'd probably end up kicking him out anyway!

He's got two weeks to find somewhere to live, apparently. You know, I've visited unfamiliar towns, decided to stay overnight and found somewhere to live temporarily within a couple of hours. He could use this as an opportunity for self-examination (unlikely!), but you wouldn't be doing either of you any favours if you opened up your home to him.

(((HUGS)))

atalose

Yet you don't know any of his past history with friends or lovers like best friends would. There seems to be allot about this guy you don't know for being best friends.

And now you do, you know his cold hard truth and all that potential you fantasized about is gone. Like others have said, cut your losses, block him from continuing this toxic relationship and maybe try and figure out why you missed or ignored all the red flags.

Tuesday1969

I do know a fair bit about his past loves, and what went wrong , not so much friends, he is fairly introverted.

I expect he didn't want to really tell me a lot of things so as not to put me off either as a friend or a lover. Who wants to tell someone they have a massive alcohol problem. I just worked it out myself. I did know he drank a bit, but never saw a bad side while he was drunk before

Rosalba

Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the sake of someone else. It's so that wrongs we have suffered in the past, stay firmly in the past and don't continue to eat us up long after the original situation is over. So, when I've been in comparable situations to yours - I've looked at all the ****, thought "OK, that's the way it is - and I don't want that sort of thing in my life." If I can, I try and have nice thoughts about the other person, bless them mentally and wish them well - then let them go.

It means that I have a head full of nice thoughts, rather than bitter resentful ones. It makes not a jot of difference to the other person either way - but makes quite a lot of difference to the sort of day I'm likely to have, how easily I'll relate to other people etc etc.

What is doesn't mean is looking at the physical evidence of a pile of abuse, thinking "Ah, that's OK" and then walking back into the same scenario for another turn on the merry-go-round.