potential boyfriend who is a heavy drinker
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Yes you did the right thing.
Originally Posted by Tuesday1969 
About two years ago I met a guy and we became very good friends. Kind of like Elaine and jerry on Seinfeld, helping each other with our respective dating woes etc.
During that time I kind of knew he drank a bit, as sometimes, I'd get drunk messages and heaps and heaps on any one night with none making sense. But I wasn't really concerned as I wasn't romantically involved with him until about a week ago when we just kind of realised that we had something. He is 44.
Recently he found out he had to move, and because i had a spare room and he was desperate, I decided to offer it to him. And he was going to move in in early April .
We slept together for the first time this weekend just gone and I felt really happy, he was really happy too , everything was great.
Then last night he texted and called me, drunk, wanting me to come over immediately and go out and "party" . I said look I can't just drop everything and come in 5 minutes and he ended up hanging up on me. He has done this before, wants me to drop everything and come over NOW.
I was really angry that he could just call and demand something and then hang up and leave me, not caring about how I felt.
So I decided to drive over as I have a key, and see what goes on when he is like this at home. I let myself in and he was really happy to see me, he was listening to music , pretty much going mental dancing, but he was doing things like spitting on the floor, and then he got naked and was peeing out the window , and then he spilt win all over me. I didn't have much to drink just a few sips as I was driving home soon.
I love a drink and we did get drunk last Friday night and had a fantastic time out dancing at clubs. But I'm not someone who gets plastered at home on a random week night for no reason, and not someone who would get drunk more than once a week. I don't drink much. I probably get "drunk" maybe 3 times a year.
I'm 45" I've done all that in my 20s and early 30s and I just want to be healthy. He has done it too, he spent most of his 20s and 30s as a musician. And it seems like he hasn't left that kind of lifestyle behind.
So it dawned on me last night watching him that this is what I'll be living with. Drunkeness. And I thought, I just can't. So I asked him is this what's going to happen at my place. And he assured me no, it's your house and I wouldn't. But I'm wasn't sure if I believed him. I remember when he lived at his sisters in 2013, he told me they kept saying to him to grow up, and I started remembering I'd get drunken messages from him when he was living there too and then I thought , it's not going to be any different at my house is it?
So I said I am not sure about him moving in, and I said seriously if you are like this every week , I can't have you there. He said oh I only do it maybe once or twice a week, and I just shook my head and left. The discussion went on for about 30 minutes, but stupidly I shouldn't have even brought it up when he was drunk, but I did.
So I left , and left him with the impression that he couldn't move in. Then I got about a hundred text messages all night telling me to "die" , calling me a bitch, swearing at me, calling me names. Etc etc. because I have left him in the lurch with only two weeks now before he has to move out of his flat.
The abuse I got was incredible. And ironic because this is what he is obviously liek when he is drunk, and how could I live with that? How could I believe that he wouldn't be drunk every night? Even one night a week like what I saw last night, I just don't want in my house. Spitting etc.
I did the right thing didn't i? He said such horrible things
During that time I kind of knew he drank a bit, as sometimes, I'd get drunk messages and heaps and heaps on any one night with none making sense. But I wasn't really concerned as I wasn't romantically involved with him until about a week ago when we just kind of realised that we had something. He is 44.
Recently he found out he had to move, and because i had a spare room and he was desperate, I decided to offer it to him. And he was going to move in in early April .
We slept together for the first time this weekend just gone and I felt really happy, he was really happy too , everything was great.
Then last night he texted and called me, drunk, wanting me to come over immediately and go out and "party" . I said look I can't just drop everything and come in 5 minutes and he ended up hanging up on me. He has done this before, wants me to drop everything and come over NOW.
I was really angry that he could just call and demand something and then hang up and leave me, not caring about how I felt.
So I decided to drive over as I have a key, and see what goes on when he is like this at home. I let myself in and he was really happy to see me, he was listening to music , pretty much going mental dancing, but he was doing things like spitting on the floor, and then he got naked and was peeing out the window , and then he spilt win all over me. I didn't have much to drink just a few sips as I was driving home soon.
I love a drink and we did get drunk last Friday night and had a fantastic time out dancing at clubs. But I'm not someone who gets plastered at home on a random week night for no reason, and not someone who would get drunk more than once a week. I don't drink much. I probably get "drunk" maybe 3 times a year.
I'm 45" I've done all that in my 20s and early 30s and I just want to be healthy. He has done it too, he spent most of his 20s and 30s as a musician. And it seems like he hasn't left that kind of lifestyle behind.
So it dawned on me last night watching him that this is what I'll be living with. Drunkeness. And I thought, I just can't. So I asked him is this what's going to happen at my place. And he assured me no, it's your house and I wouldn't. But I'm wasn't sure if I believed him. I remember when he lived at his sisters in 2013, he told me they kept saying to him to grow up, and I started remembering I'd get drunken messages from him when he was living there too and then I thought , it's not going to be any different at my house is it?
So I said I am not sure about him moving in, and I said seriously if you are like this every week , I can't have you there. He said oh I only do it maybe once or twice a week, and I just shook my head and left. The discussion went on for about 30 minutes, but stupidly I shouldn't have even brought it up when he was drunk, but I did.
So I left , and left him with the impression that he couldn't move in. Then I got about a hundred text messages all night telling me to "die" , calling me a bitch, swearing at me, calling me names. Etc etc. because I have left him in the lurch with only two weeks now before he has to move out of his flat.
The abuse I got was incredible. And ironic because this is what he is obviously liek when he is drunk, and how could I live with that? How could I believe that he wouldn't be drunk every night? Even one night a week like what I saw last night, I just don't want in my house. Spitting etc.
I did the right thing didn't i? He said such horrible things
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I wouldn't have accepted the "no" either. Doing those things inside a home, any home, just shows you what he is capable of when he drinks.
And he drinks. So you would have experienced a variety of colourful behaviours I'm sure. You said he is a nice guy but living with someone is a different ball game, you are seeing them at their best, worst and in between.
It's unfortunate that it has turned out like this, but maybe in time he won't be as angry. You saw the red flags and you listened to your gut, that is awesome.
And he drinks. So you would have experienced a variety of colourful behaviours I'm sure. You said he is a nice guy but living with someone is a different ball game, you are seeing them at their best, worst and in between.
It's unfortunate that it has turned out like this, but maybe in time he won't be as angry. You saw the red flags and you listened to your gut, that is awesome.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Leaving him in the lurch? How about him living in your home leaving you in shambles?
You deserve better. He needs help. It's not your job.
Please take care of yourself!
Love from Lenina
You deserve better. He needs help. It's not your job.
Please take care of yourself!
Love from Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: queensland
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by maybear
I wouldn't have accepted the "no" either. Doing those things inside a home, any home, just shows you what he is capable of when he drinks.
And he drinks. So you would have experienced a variety of colourful behaviours I'm sure. You said he is a nice guy but living with someone is a different ball game, you are seeing them at their best, worst and in between.
It's unfortunate that it has turned out like this, but maybe in time he won't be as angry. You saw the red flags and you listened to your gut, that is awesome.
And he drinks. So you would have experienced a variety of colourful behaviours I'm sure. You said he is a nice guy but living with someone is a different ball game, you are seeing them at their best, worst and in between.
It's unfortunate that it has turned out like this, but maybe in time he won't be as angry. You saw the red flags and you listened to your gut, that is awesome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: queensland
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Lenina
Leaving him in the lurch? How about him living in your home leaving you in shambles?
You deserve better. He needs help. It's not your job.
Please take care of yourself!
Love from Lenina
You deserve better. He needs help. It's not your job.
Please take care of yourself!
Love from Lenina
but you are right, my home is peaceful and healthy and his is not. i didnt want him bringing that here
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
hey Tuesday, sorry for what brings you here.
Did you do the right thing? a thousand times, hell yes.
And YOU didn't leave him in a lurch. YOU did nothing.
His ridiculous, drunken behaviour is what left him in a lurch. He spit on the floor and peed out the window and somehow this YOUR fault that he now has nowhere to go?
unreal.
You were kind enough in the first place to offer a room to him. He did this himself. Try not to beat yourself up, you deserve so much better than a 45yr old man who spits and pi$$es out the window.
run. fast. and keep running.
Did you do the right thing? a thousand times, hell yes.
And YOU didn't leave him in a lurch. YOU did nothing.
His ridiculous, drunken behaviour is what left him in a lurch. He spit on the floor and peed out the window and somehow this YOUR fault that he now has nowhere to go?
unreal.
You were kind enough in the first place to offer a room to him. He did this himself. Try not to beat yourself up, you deserve so much better than a 45yr old man who spits and pi$$es out the window.
run. fast. and keep running.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Good for you! My ex started doing all those things after he moved in with me. Don't feel bad - you were not aware of the extent of his drunk behavior, so I agree with those who say his behavior left him in the lurch.
In my case, the next phase consisted of spitting on me, peeing in the waste basket and wherever he passed out, drunk cooking and almost burning down the house, bringing random strangers to my home in the middle of the night, awful fights, police at my door, etc.
In my case, the next phase consisted of spitting on me, peeing in the waste basket and wherever he passed out, drunk cooking and almost burning down the house, bringing random strangers to my home in the middle of the night, awful fights, police at my door, etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
BUT i feel so awful leaving him in the lurch, having to find somewhere else within 2 weeks, He said he would be out on the streets, really laid the guilt on. I feel like rubbish
i cut off his avenue to live with me. Because of the spitting and pissing and rowdyness and general drunkeness. It was his day off, but still. It just brings me down
His behavior is outrageous, and you are completely justified if you don't want people partying, spitting, and peeing onto, into, or out of stuff at your house.
He doesn't see that, because he's emotionally and behaviorally limited by his years in the bottle. You won't find understanding there, just the temper tantrum you got when he didn't get his way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Easy, BLOCK HIM NOW. You are in the prime of your life. Don't waste it on this person. You didn't leave him in the lurch... It's his responsibility to take care of his own housing. Trust everyone on here! Go and have a happy, drama-free life!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: queensland
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Kimmieh
Good for you! My ex started doing all those things after he moved in with me. Don't feel bad - you were not aware of the extent of his drunk behavior, so I agree with those who say his behavior left him in the lurch.
In my case, the next phase consisted of spitting on me, peeing in the waste basket and wherever he passed out, drunk cooking and almost burning down the house, bringing random strangers to my home in the middle of the night, awful fights, police at my door, etc.
In my case, the next phase consisted of spitting on me, peeing in the waste basket and wherever he passed out, drunk cooking and almost burning down the house, bringing random strangers to my home in the middle of the night, awful fights, police at my door, etc.
I told him that night that I am worried about his behaviour because my sister was/is an alcoholic (I don't speak to her). When she was married about 15 years ago, her husband told me she would urinate in the clothes cupboard.... Drunks are grotty. I didn't tell him about that but as I was watching him I was thinking about it
That must have been awful for you, and scary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: queensland
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Jupiters
hey Tuesday, sorry for what brings you here.
Did you do the right thing? a thousand times, hell yes.
And YOU didn't leave him in a lurch. YOU did nothing.
His ridiculous, drunken behaviour is what left him in a lurch. He spit on the floor and peed out the window and somehow this YOUR fault that he now has nowhere to go?
unreal.
You were kind enough in the first place to offer a room to him. He did this himself. Try not to beat yourself up, you deserve so much better than a 45yr old man who spits and pi$$es out the window.
run. fast. and keep running.
Did you do the right thing? a thousand times, hell yes.
And YOU didn't leave him in a lurch. YOU did nothing.
His ridiculous, drunken behaviour is what left him in a lurch. He spit on the floor and peed out the window and somehow this YOUR fault that he now has nowhere to go?
unreal.
You were kind enough in the first place to offer a room to him. He did this himself. Try not to beat yourself up, you deserve so much better than a 45yr old man who spits and pi$$es out the window.
run. fast. and keep running.
Maybe not paying rent, and probably his drunkeness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Why feel guilty for leaving him to find his own way?
What 44 year old man has put himself in the position to not be able to afford to move on his own or to get a hotel room? I'm sorry, but the drunken behavior is merely a symptom of a grown ass man who needs to learn to be a grownup. He should be able to take care of his most basic needs - like housing!
What 44 year old man has put himself in the position to not be able to afford to move on his own or to get a hotel room? I'm sorry, but the drunken behavior is merely a symptom of a grown ass man who needs to learn to be a grownup. He should be able to take care of his most basic needs - like housing!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Sorry to tell you, but there is only ONE guy. There are no split personalities there, although many many women talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It is just the ugly face you had to see when his addiction got endangered.
But you know what? You are so prudent for not letting this potential guy deeper into your heart. Because, what they leave is a wasteland.
But you know what? You are so prudent for not letting this potential guy deeper into your heart. Because, what they leave is a wasteland.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Wow - definitely made the right decision and I agree with all that has already been said! Stay smart and strong.
The amount of abusive texts he sends - goodness - it would be totally reasonable for you to block his number if you want to and not feel a shred of guilt about it. That is crazy, mean, and not acceptable by any standard.
The amount of abusive texts he sends - goodness - it would be totally reasonable for you to block his number if you want to and not feel a shred of guilt about it. That is crazy, mean, and not acceptable by any standard.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I read your entire post, but I did not need to read past sentence 2 to offer you a suggestion. Get out now. it's not worth the pain and suffering. This is easier said than done. But if I've learned anything, these things do not get any better, they get worse.
"left him with the impression"... you have to be clear. The addict will manipulate you to the point where you think those words meant you should definitely move in together. You are seeing clear through the red flags, use that knowledge to make the healthiest decision!!
"left him with the impression"... you have to be clear. The addict will manipulate you to the point where you think those words meant you should definitely move in together. You are seeing clear through the red flags, use that knowledge to make the healthiest decision!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
