They aren't offering "help" that I want to accept. They are agreeing with AH.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
If I go live with my Indy brother, living with judgment and on their time table of what I should be doing and how and with a SIL who acts as if I'm invisible....THAT would be destroying my spirit.
When other people are judgmental, that's a function of them, not you. If you were to live in Indy, then you cannot compare the judgment of others with the emotional/psychological abuse your AH dishes out on a daily basis.
There's a great saying in AA; paraphrasing, it's none of my business what you think of me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Just food for thought here - I remember when I was in the thick of it all, I lived near family and friends who supported me, so I cannot really relate to the isolation you feel.
However, I can relate to the "can't" comments. Everyone around me was willing to give me the freedom I needed to give myself some space. I was living with a good for nothing AH who had totally checked out and I carried ALL the responsibilities.
The more help that was offered the more "issues" I found with them. It all made sense to me when my friend finally told me ' "Gosh, I keep giving you a way out of XYZ situation and you keep shutting me down". Guess what she didn't do anymore....
I don't even know if what I am saying makes any sense, but reading thru your posts are making me freak out a little. I have had to leave my animals that I loved on more than one occasion for the safety of myself and my daughter. It is what I HAD to do.
Pink - even if the separation is temporary think about your options. Keeping yourself safe from harm and danger. What good are you to your daughter or your dogs if you are not there for them.
Please take care friend.....
Praying for you!
However, I can relate to the "can't" comments. Everyone around me was willing to give me the freedom I needed to give myself some space. I was living with a good for nothing AH who had totally checked out and I carried ALL the responsibilities.
The more help that was offered the more "issues" I found with them. It all made sense to me when my friend finally told me ' "Gosh, I keep giving you a way out of XYZ situation and you keep shutting me down". Guess what she didn't do anymore....
I don't even know if what I am saying makes any sense, but reading thru your posts are making me freak out a little. I have had to leave my animals that I loved on more than one occasion for the safety of myself and my daughter. It is what I HAD to do.
Pink - even if the separation is temporary think about your options. Keeping yourself safe from harm and danger. What good are you to your daughter or your dogs if you are not there for them.
Please take care friend.....
Praying for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Pink, People come to SR because they have problems and they aren't thinking right, so please don't think that just because someone on this board says something that it is true. The same with in your real life. Sometimes here as well as in the real world, focusing on other people and judging what they do helps to keep the focus off of where it needs to be.
I do hope that you can get the help you need to get your car fixed so you can start exercising the options that work for you. You matter, and you are important.
I do hope that you can get the help you need to get your car fixed so you can start exercising the options that work for you. You matter, and you are important.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by pinkpeony 
I wish I could share the philosophical and patronizing texts that my brother wrote as the "group representative"
I could tell that he and my AH had a good long talk. So much of it was BS vomited back up in more polite "loving" words.
I can just hear my AH putting on his normal Mr Perfect Nice Guy act and having a nice conversation with him, alluding
to the fact that I am the bad guy in all of this.
All I wanted was help getting my car fixed. Thats all I wanted and now its all sooooo much worse.
I could tell that he and my AH had a good long talk. So much of it was BS vomited back up in more polite "loving" words.
I can just hear my AH putting on his normal Mr Perfect Nice Guy act and having a nice conversation with him, alluding
to the fact that I am the bad guy in all of this.
All I wanted was help getting my car fixed. Thats all I wanted and now its all sooooo much worse.
Hi Pink
Sorry you are hurting and being let down by thoses who SHOULD be your fall back.
12 weeks is not that long to a lot of people, but in your situation....ouch
Have you considered a "Gofundme" to get your car fixed??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My depression was always my biggest obstacle. Take extra good care of yourself. Look in the mirror and say something kind to yourself today. And tomorrow and the next day. Cut yourself some slack. You're in an impossible situation, living with insanity.
I have found myself in several life situations where my only options were bad ones. I had to decide to choose the least bad option or stick it out in my current situation until I found a way to move. Often, I couldn't see doors opening in front of me because I was not in a good headspace and, if I'm honest, I feared I wasn't up for the challenge or that I wasn't worth the opportunity.
I hope this is your bottom and the only way is up.
I have found myself in several life situations where my only options were bad ones. I had to decide to choose the least bad option or stick it out in my current situation until I found a way to move. Often, I couldn't see doors opening in front of me because I was not in a good headspace and, if I'm honest, I feared I wasn't up for the challenge or that I wasn't worth the opportunity.
I hope this is your bottom and the only way is up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Pink,
I really think calling a suicide or DV hotline might be a good way to get some help - locally. I think one of the hardest things about recovery is accepting help from someone else. We don't want to be judged. We want to be independent. We don't want others to see us at our lowest.
It is an act of faith to reach out. Since you are so despondent over your family's options, then call a stranger for help. I posted national links just in case you are not precisely in KY.
DV:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Suicide:
Lifeline
I really think calling a suicide or DV hotline might be a good way to get some help - locally. I think one of the hardest things about recovery is accepting help from someone else. We don't want to be judged. We want to be independent. We don't want others to see us at our lowest.
It is an act of faith to reach out. Since you are so despondent over your family's options, then call a stranger for help. I posted national links just in case you are not precisely in KY.
DV:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Suicide:
Lifeline
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
I wonder what would happen if you looked in your local classifieds (most have an online version) or Craigslist and found a reasonable rental (may be hard with pets/ that's why we live in a camper :-) then contact the family member that's the nicest and say, "hey, I really do appreciate all of your options, however, ...." Then go on to explain to that family member why those options aren't at all viable but that you found a rental and it's really close to where you can walk to jobs, and that you just need a small loan for a security deposit/1st months rent or whatever, and that you're willing to pay it back with interest and even have the contract notarized to ensure that they WILL FOR SURE get their money back WITH interest.
Another thought, how about looking into a room and board position as a personal nurse/caretaker? You can even post on Craigslist or the local classifieds that you are seeking that arrangement.
Of you had to leave your dogs JUST for AWHILE, but you're in the same town as your AH, you could go visit them daily, spend time with them, take them for walks.... Maybe even have your AH sign a contract that you will get the dogs as soon as you have a place for them. But if they're small, a lot of rental places and maybe even room and board jobs will let you have them.
I even wondered if you guys own a camper? We love living in ours! It's not like "camping" as one would think, and if anything, it almost gets hot in here in the winter as you don't need much to heat 27 feet! AND our rent is $350 a month, AND we can have our two dogs!
Of you're AH is as apathetic about your marriage as it sounds, he might be willing to loan you that much to "get you out of his hair" not that I think that's right of him, but use it to your advantage if you can.
Anyway, my two cents.
Also, call social services, tell them your situation. Maybe there's options you're not even aware of. If your daughter is under 18, that qualifies you for A LOT more services than an adult with no or grown children. Use all this negative stuff to your advantage to obtain assistance.
Another thought, how about looking into a room and board position as a personal nurse/caretaker? You can even post on Craigslist or the local classifieds that you are seeking that arrangement.
Of you had to leave your dogs JUST for AWHILE, but you're in the same town as your AH, you could go visit them daily, spend time with them, take them for walks.... Maybe even have your AH sign a contract that you will get the dogs as soon as you have a place for them. But if they're small, a lot of rental places and maybe even room and board jobs will let you have them.
I even wondered if you guys own a camper? We love living in ours! It's not like "camping" as one would think, and if anything, it almost gets hot in here in the winter as you don't need much to heat 27 feet! AND our rent is $350 a month, AND we can have our two dogs!
Of you're AH is as apathetic about your marriage as it sounds, he might be willing to loan you that much to "get you out of his hair" not that I think that's right of him, but use it to your advantage if you can.
Anyway, my two cents.
Also, call social services, tell them your situation. Maybe there's options you're not even aware of. If your daughter is under 18, that qualifies you for A LOT more services than an adult with no or grown children. Use all this negative stuff to your advantage to obtain assistance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You have stuck by your reasons for not leaving. 1) You don't not want to move your daughter before graduation 2) You do not want to leave your daughter in the care of an alcoholic 3) You do not want to leave your animals to be cared for by AH or re-home your animals. 4) Your familie's options are distasteful, and you feel you would just be trading one bad situation for another bad situation.
I respect all those reasons.
Yet you took pills last night which had they been successful would have 1) Left your daughter to be parented by an alcoholic and 2) Would have your animals in the care of AH
Both are you strongest arguments for staying and you nearly succeeding in doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. Ironic isn't it?
I'm sorry you felt such despair that you would do that. I hope today is a better day and that you feel some relief that you were not successful.
When you are feeling up to it perhaps there can be further discussion about what you can do. There are things that you can be doing.
Pink one of the toughest things I realized in life the only person I can count on is myself. Not spouses, kids, family or friends. I'm not saying that we don't all receive help at times. but no one can help you like YOU can. As the old saying goes you are your problem and you are your solution.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I respect all those reasons.
Yet you took pills last night which had they been successful would have 1) Left your daughter to be parented by an alcoholic and 2) Would have your animals in the care of AH
Both are you strongest arguments for staying and you nearly succeeding in doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. Ironic isn't it?
I'm sorry you felt such despair that you would do that. I hope today is a better day and that you feel some relief that you were not successful.
When you are feeling up to it perhaps there can be further discussion about what you can do. There are things that you can be doing.
Pink one of the toughest things I realized in life the only person I can count on is myself. Not spouses, kids, family or friends. I'm not saying that we don't all receive help at times. but no one can help you like YOU can. As the old saying goes you are your problem and you are your solution.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by redatlanta
You have stuck by your reasons for not leaving. 1) You don't not want to move your daughter before graduation 2) You do not want to leave your daughter in the care of an alcoholic 3) You do not want to leave your animals to be cared for by AH or re-home your animals. 4) Your familie's options are distasteful, and you feel you would just be trading one bad situation for another bad situation.
I respect all those reasons.
Yet you took pills last night which had they been successful would have 1) Left your daughter to be parented by an alcoholic and 2) Would have your animals in the care of AH
Both are you strongest arguments for staying and you nearly succeeding in doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. Ironic isn't it?
I'm sorry you felt such despair that you would do that. I hope today is a better day and that you feel some relief that you were not successful.
When you are feeling up to it perhaps there can be further discussion about what you can do. There are things that you can be doing.
Pink one of the toughest things I realized in life the only person I can count on is myself. Not spouses, kids, family or friends. I'm not saying that we don't all receive help at times. but no one can help you like YOU can. As the old saying goes you are your problem and you are your solution.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I respect all those reasons.
Yet you took pills last night which had they been successful would have 1) Left your daughter to be parented by an alcoholic and 2) Would have your animals in the care of AH
Both are you strongest arguments for staying and you nearly succeeding in doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. Ironic isn't it?
I'm sorry you felt such despair that you would do that. I hope today is a better day and that you feel some relief that you were not successful.
When you are feeling up to it perhaps there can be further discussion about what you can do. There are things that you can be doing.
Pink one of the toughest things I realized in life the only person I can count on is myself. Not spouses, kids, family or friends. I'm not saying that we don't all receive help at times. but no one can help you like YOU can. As the old saying goes you are your problem and you are your solution.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
^^This^^ right here - this is what I was trying to say. I did a poor job because my mind was racing.
HUGS Pink!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Just something to keep in mind because your AH was part of this "plan"...
If divorce is in your future, be very careful about completely vacating the house if you can. It could hurt you in a settlement. Moving you that far away doesn't sound like it's in your best interests, imo.
(((Hugs)))
If divorce is in your future, be very careful about completely vacating the house if you can. It could hurt you in a settlement. Moving you that far away doesn't sound like it's in your best interests, imo.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
What you've gone through in your distant and recent past is truly traumatic - it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed by stressed.
-Is it possible to meet with a therapist or good friend to help you brainstorm some whole new game plans that you might not have even thought of yet? I don't know where you live, but I see a therapist through my community clinic for free. For immediate purposes, please call the hotline - it might surprise you how helpful they can be, and the scope of topics they are prepared to talk about and help you think through.
-Your daughter comes first. Please, do what you can to stabilize her living situation. To lose a parent to suicide... at that age... is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. She is trusting and depending on you to be her mom right now. That's your job. You are her protector.
-Do you have a regular GP, a regular doctor that you go see? Maybe you could pay them a visit and tell them how stressed out you are.
-You just gotta get through this part. You can do it. It sounds like the options your family has given you would make your emotional and mental state worse rather than better, so let's think of alternatives. I take it asking AH to go stay somewhere else for a week to give you a break isn't an option?
And finally - your daughter NEEDS YOU. And YOU deserve to be happy and to have a chance to live, after all this dust is settled. And we will be here every day helping you think things through and to lend our support. Will you promise us not to make another suicide attempt?
-Is it possible to meet with a therapist or good friend to help you brainstorm some whole new game plans that you might not have even thought of yet? I don't know where you live, but I see a therapist through my community clinic for free. For immediate purposes, please call the hotline - it might surprise you how helpful they can be, and the scope of topics they are prepared to talk about and help you think through.
-Your daughter comes first. Please, do what you can to stabilize her living situation. To lose a parent to suicide... at that age... is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. She is trusting and depending on you to be her mom right now. That's your job. You are her protector.
-Do you have a regular GP, a regular doctor that you go see? Maybe you could pay them a visit and tell them how stressed out you are.
-You just gotta get through this part. You can do it. It sounds like the options your family has given you would make your emotional and mental state worse rather than better, so let's think of alternatives. I take it asking AH to go stay somewhere else for a week to give you a break isn't an option?
And finally - your daughter NEEDS YOU. And YOU deserve to be happy and to have a chance to live, after all this dust is settled. And we will be here every day helping you think things through and to lend our support. Will you promise us not to make another suicide attempt?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Thinking of you today Pink. Take care of yourself and keep your eyes on the prize. May is almost upon us, and who knows what the universe will be cooking up between then and now.
Sending lots of hugs and strength your way.
Sending lots of hugs and strength your way.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Pink, do you any jewelry to sell? Can you
take out a title loan out on your car?
Also, I have seen employment adds for live in help - with car and pay! Maybe you could look for something like that for a temporary solution.
I honestly understand the desire to end it all. I was there too. I just kept telling myself "not today". And for some reason that helped me out until I felt stronger.
take out a title loan out on your car?
Also, I have seen employment adds for live in help - with car and pay! Maybe you could look for something like that for a temporary solution.
I honestly understand the desire to end it all. I was there too. I just kept telling myself "not today". And for some reason that helped me out until I felt stronger.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
pink,
Ever since you said your daughter had to change schools if you went to a shelter, something has been nagging at the back of my mind. I did a little online research, and it looks to me (bearing in mind that this isn't my area of expertise) that the McKinney-Vento Act, which provides for education for homeless students (including those who reside in shelters), calls for such students to be educated at their "school of origin" and even to be provided with transportation to the originating school.
Here's a quick Wikipedia summary of what the Act calls for:
You and your daughter need to get out of there. I know you want the car, but at least you will be safe at the shelter, and the shelter staff can connect you with resources to help you find employment and a way to get there.
I know you don't want to leave the dogs, but as much as you love them, your safety and your daughter's safety come first. You can figure out a solution regarding the dogs later. Some things HAVE to be prioritized, and you've said nothing to indicate that the dogs will be in any actual danger if you leave them there. There are also some resources that can help provide temporary care for pets of victims of domestic violence, and I'll post those for you again later. But please check into this for right now and see if you can't make some headway with the school situation.
Ever since you said your daughter had to change schools if you went to a shelter, something has been nagging at the back of my mind. I did a little online research, and it looks to me (bearing in mind that this isn't my area of expertise) that the McKinney-Vento Act, which provides for education for homeless students (including those who reside in shelters), calls for such students to be educated at their "school of origin" and even to be provided with transportation to the originating school.
Here's a quick Wikipedia summary of what the Act calls for:
Homeless children and education[edit]
The original federal Act, known as simply as the McKinney Act, provided little protection for homeless children in the area of public education. As a result, the State of Illinois passed the Illinois Education for Homeless Children Act, which was drafted by Joseph Clary, an attorney and advocate for the Illinois Coalition to End Homelessness. Clary then worked with national advocates to ensure that the protections afforded to homeless children by the Illinois statute were incorporated into the McKinney Act. At that point, the McKinney Act was amended to become the McKinney-Vento Act. That Act uses the Illinois statute in defining homeless children as “individuals who lack a fixed, regular, and adequate nighttime residence.” The Act then goes on to give examples of children who would fall under this definition:
(a) Children sharing housing due to economic hardship or loss of housing;
(b) Children living in “motels, hotels, trailer parks, or camp grounds due to lack of alternative accommodations”
(c) Children living in “emergency or transitional shelters”
(d) Children “awaiting foster care placement”
(e) Children whose primary nighttime residence is not ordinarily used as a regular sleeping accommodation (e.g. park benches, etc.)
(f) Children living in “cars, parks, public spaces, abandoned buildings, substandard housing, bus or train stations…”
Following the Illinois statute, the McKinney-Vento Act also ensures homeless children transportation to and from school free of charge, allowing children to attend their school of origin (last school enrolled or the school they attended when they first became homeless) regardless of what district the family resides in. It further requires schools to register homeless children even if they lack normally required documents, such as immunization records or proof of residence. To implement the Act, States must designate a statewide homeless coordinator to review policies and create procedures, including dispute resolution procedures, to ensure that homeless children are able to attend school. Local school districts must appoint Local Education Liaisons to ensure that school staff are aware of these rights, to provide public notice to homeless families (at shelters and at school) and to facilitate access to school and transportation services.[11]
I would STRONGLY suggest that you contact your daughter's school again, and ask them specifically about the provisions of that federal law. If you get the runaround, contact the State Department of Education's Title I Homeless Consultant--here is the contact info: NCHE State Profile Pages.The original federal Act, known as simply as the McKinney Act, provided little protection for homeless children in the area of public education. As a result, the State of Illinois passed the Illinois Education for Homeless Children Act, which was drafted by Joseph Clary, an attorney and advocate for the Illinois Coalition to End Homelessness. Clary then worked with national advocates to ensure that the protections afforded to homeless children by the Illinois statute were incorporated into the McKinney Act. At that point, the McKinney Act was amended to become the McKinney-Vento Act. That Act uses the Illinois statute in defining homeless children as “individuals who lack a fixed, regular, and adequate nighttime residence.” The Act then goes on to give examples of children who would fall under this definition:
(a) Children sharing housing due to economic hardship or loss of housing;
(b) Children living in “motels, hotels, trailer parks, or camp grounds due to lack of alternative accommodations”
(c) Children living in “emergency or transitional shelters”
(d) Children “awaiting foster care placement”
(e) Children whose primary nighttime residence is not ordinarily used as a regular sleeping accommodation (e.g. park benches, etc.)
(f) Children living in “cars, parks, public spaces, abandoned buildings, substandard housing, bus or train stations…”
Following the Illinois statute, the McKinney-Vento Act also ensures homeless children transportation to and from school free of charge, allowing children to attend their school of origin (last school enrolled or the school they attended when they first became homeless) regardless of what district the family resides in. It further requires schools to register homeless children even if they lack normally required documents, such as immunization records or proof of residence. To implement the Act, States must designate a statewide homeless coordinator to review policies and create procedures, including dispute resolution procedures, to ensure that homeless children are able to attend school. Local school districts must appoint Local Education Liaisons to ensure that school staff are aware of these rights, to provide public notice to homeless families (at shelters and at school) and to facilitate access to school and transportation services.[11]
You and your daughter need to get out of there. I know you want the car, but at least you will be safe at the shelter, and the shelter staff can connect you with resources to help you find employment and a way to get there.
I know you don't want to leave the dogs, but as much as you love them, your safety and your daughter's safety come first. You can figure out a solution regarding the dogs later. Some things HAVE to be prioritized, and you've said nothing to indicate that the dogs will be in any actual danger if you leave them there. There are also some resources that can help provide temporary care for pets of victims of domestic violence, and I'll post those for you again later. But please check into this for right now and see if you can't make some headway with the school situation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And these are websites that might have info that would help you find someplace to house your pets temporarily: RedRover, and Safe Place for Pets. You might need to contact them through the shelter or the National DV Hotline.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Pink is it possible for you to think of Indy as a gateway to huge possibilities? It doesn't have to be long term... There are tons of jobs in Indy and cost of living is low for a big city with thriving suburbs. This could be the first step in the ladder to lift you up and get you out of your situation. Can't you see it, Pink?
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