Cleo1234

Its been 6 months since my breakup with xabf and i just feel like I'm stuck in the same place. I have no contact with my ex and still have not replied to his last nice text to me about being sorry for how he treated me and promising to re-pay me. I feel like i should be more healed at this point and not be thinking about him constantly all day. I think about his new life with his gf, and still try to look at his social media to see if there are any new pics (i am not FB friends with him and his stuff is mostly private, but i still check daily) I just can't seem to stop wanting to know any little morsel about his life.

What am i doing wrong? Maybe its because i don't have someone special in my life at the moment? Or maybe its because i feel like i lost my true love? I just don't want to keep feeling this way, and thought 6 months out that i'd be in a better place, emotionally.

LexieCat

For one thing, you're checking his FB page obsessively. You have to stop DOING things like that if you want to heal. It's like picking a scab.

You have to start going out with friends, doing different things. THOSE are the kinds of actions that will change your thinking. You don't wait until you feel better to do something different--it doesn't work that way.

One thing I would NOT recommend is going out and looking for your own "someone special"--not until you are comfortable with yourself again. Those kinds of actions are really like switching addictions.

Healing and recovery ultimately require you to move out of your comfort zone.

Cleo1234

Thanks, Lexie ... i know i need to stop looking at his social media, it really has been a struggle for me to stop. I just have so much free time since I'm a single mom. Going out with friends on weeknights is a challenge and my evenings are pretty mellow so it allows me too much time to sit and think.

Thomas45

Cleo - I would highly recommend going in to your facebook settings and putting your ex on your blocked users list. It will prevent you from even finding his account in search (and prevent him from finding yours). It's the alcoholic's equivalent of pouring the remaining wine down the sink.

'No contact' isn't "no contact" if you're going out of your way to try to keep tabs on him. It's actually unhealthy, and counter productive towards your own healing process.

In the literal sense, you are addicted to the addict, and you are feeding your addiction with those little morsels of information about him. That will keep you trapped in your feelings of loneliness and lack of healing. An alcoholic doesn't fix his addiction by drinking smaller bottles of booze in the garage when nobody's looking. They get better by making themselves stay away from the booze, and by keeping themselves away from situations where they may be tempted to grab one. You need to do the same, and be strong about it. That's how you'll get better in time.

lillamy

You know a wound can't heal if you keep picking at the scab, right?

I spent months spying on AXH's FB account through a fake account I set up. My excuse was that "I wanted to check his state of mind so I knew what to expect before sending the kids over on weekends." Which was just an excuse. Despite not wanting him back in a million years, I couldn't help but look.

Until I realized that all that did was keep me tethered to a past I wanted to be rid of.

Someone here has a signature that says something along the lines of "you can't get the good until you let go of the bad." And I think that's sort of what it amounts to. When we stop filling our minds with The Addict, we have room to fill it with other things -- things that are relevant to us, or now, and the future we're building.

Katchie

Put your thinking cap on and think of some things you like to do and start doing them. You have to start somewhere. The above advice is excellent. Don't be your own worst enemy -- be kind, gentle, and loving to yourself! So it's been 6 months. I don't think there is a time table for how long one should grieve the loss of someone close, but doing what you're doing definitely prolongs the sadness and anxiety.

So what kind of things do you enjoy?

FeelingGreat

Cleo, I understand. If you're not going already, you might think about a few counselling sessions. You've had 6 months to get some perspective, and there are always left over feelings that you can't deal with properly in the chaos of break-up.

I've been in a similar situation and I found counselling cleared by head somewhat. I didn't go for very long because it was more about dealing with some residual stuff than full-on need for treatment.

HollyC88

I completely understand where you're coming from- I checked my AEXBF's instagram everyday sometimes twice a day, but you really can't ! I know easier said then done trust me, but all it's doing is letting you take on step back.

Have you thought about going on any dates? Getting out there? I've started online dating and even though some of the guys haven't been great its great to go out meet new people and meet people that don't have baggage or problems.

Also do not be so hard on yourself. My break up in college took me almost 2 years to get over. Everyone is different...

Cleo1234

Thank you for all the replies... I know, i really know that i shouldn't keep peeking at his social media. I don't know why its so hard for me to stop this. I think a lot has to do with loneliness. I'm not interested or ready to meet someone new at this moment. I know when/if that happens it will help keep my mind off thoughts of the ex, but i can't do so until i know I'm mentally in a healthy place ( sadly, I'm not there yet)

I just don't get why all the people that do us wrong are the ones that seem to move on more quickly and we ( I ) am the one left alone and still re-hashing the past in my mind, over & over. I just want to not think about it anymore, or at least not for the better part of my days!!

AnvilheadII

as long as we keep doing what we've always done,
we'll keep getting what we always got.

Slothy

Im kind of in the same boat, but I DO NOT keep tabs on him in any form as it will only hurt me!!!

The reality is they can move on and not be in this lonely place because they are constantly on a path of selfishness and self gratification! My exabf wouldn't even have blinked an eye before he was out and about dating someone new. I am pretty sure he doesn't even think or feel the loss of our relationship one bit! We are not on the same path they are!!!...we are on a path of self healing and self awareness, so maybe its ok to feel a little bad for the time being!!!!. Stay strong! Hugs!

Katchie

Cleo, do you like to paint, or sketch? Do you like going for quiet walks and looking at nature? Really, what are your likes and hobbies? I don't think dating can be considered a hobby so don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Its time to start exploring who the real Cleo is minus the addict. Find some hobbies to fill your time and in the meantime maybe you should put a padlock on all devices your'e using to look at FB until you can figure out who wonderful Cleo really is deep down.

As to your stating not understanding why all these people are so happy that have done us so wrong...well, I've yet to see an addict that was happy. I know my husband has been miserable. He told his brother he hates looking at himself in the mirror at what he has become. I bet this goes for most addicts. Just because they put on a smile or take selfies of themselves looking like life is a grand party doesn't mean its so. I wouldn't wish that miserable life on anyone.

Cleo1234

Thank you, Katchie. Sadly, i don't really have any hobbies... or i should say, hobbies that would keep me occupied during my down time in the evenings after my son goes to sleep. I love to travel ... maybe i should learn to speak a foreign language and go visit that country LOL. I will have to find a new passion. Id love to volunteer at the animal shelters... but again i really need to find something to fill my time in the evenings when I'm not able to leave the house.

Cleo1234

You are so right, and thank you for the reminder!

NYCDoglvr

Nothing. But what are you doing to help yourself? Alanon? New activities? It doesn't go away if you just sit around thinking about it. As we say in 12 Step programs: live in the solution. Fast walking (I started at 10 minutes per day) helped a lot as did getting busy in Alanon.