Eauchiche

I certainly understand your feelings of concern for your mate. But, if you are anything like the rest of us, you have already bent over backwards to try to help him. I agree with everyone else here that talking about his addiction is a treacherous door for you to open.

I have maintained a relationship with my Mother in Law, for now. She has been perfectly lovely to me for over 15 years. I feel that my relationship with her really has nothing to do with my mate. I will maintain it unless it goes dysfunctional on me and I can't maintain boundaries there.

I have already decided that, should she open the topic of my mate's alcoholism, I will not discuss this with her, and invite her to an AlAnon meeting.

mnh1982

I don't think anyone is suggesting that it would be potentially harmful to you to contact them about his issues, just that it's not necessarily going to do HIM any good.

Speaking from experience, the times that I have attempted to make my husband's family (as supportive as they seemed to be on the surface) aware that his drinking had gotten worse, that he was being verbally abusive to me, etc, were also the times that I had to deal with a complete 180 on their part.

Rather than supporting me, not condoning his behavior, etc, they merely either ignored it, said something unhelpful (eg; "Oh man that really sucks, but I don't want to get involved, sorry"), or flat out told me that I was to blame & how dare I "drag them into more drama". Not that your in-laws will do the same, but again-why chance it?

If you're anything like me, you just need & want someone to hear you & acknowledge that they've heard you, just as much as you still hope the best for your husband & hope that his family will support him. But it's not your responsibility to secure that support for him, & it IS your responsibility to do it for yourself!

Hugs, lady

Jenibean87

In my experience, "letting people know" is a way for me to gain validation from others. Maybe so they could stop blaming me? Or, so they could see what I went through and offer pity? Or to sound the alarms and get him busted? I'm not sure. I do know that I never seem to have my A's best interests in heart whenever I have contacted friends and family regarding his bad behavior.

Think about your motives here.

Also, they will find out soon, no? Once it is no longer your problem, most assuredly, it will become someone else's.

dandylion

pink....why not wait until you have left and the dust has settled. Then, you can make a decision about how you would want to handle this. It is o.k. to think about it....but, who knows how you will feel about it 6mo. from now?
Don't get caught up in too much "future tripping".
Besides, the co-dependent mind tends to get so wrapped up in feelings of guilt and "responsibilities" of care taking.

For now...why not just file this concern under the heading of "Later, Gator".

dandylion

Hawks

Well, you could write a letter telling someone that their teenage daughter is pregnant and not sure who the father is, thinking it's the right thing to do...... And risk the backlash along the lines of

"my own daughter, who the heck are you? .... Are you saying she's promiscuous? I raised her better than that, don't you tell me!!! Anyway, how do you know?

And blah blah blah blah....... Turning it all back on you.

Or you could say nothing and the next time they see their daughter and the evidence is irrefutable, they will have to accept the unacceptable.

Alcoholism is just like being pregnant

You can hide it for a while, but eventually it'll just show up so big, that there's no denying it.

Hope that helps

dandylion

Hawks....LOL!

dandylion

fluffyflea

Just worry about yourself and your daughter.

DoubleDragons

My sister and I recently opened up to extended family about the extent of my mother's alcoholism. I felt the need to do this as I didn't want to feel shamed as a "bad daughter" at her funeral. I wanted them to know that we have tried to get her help. Also, if I am honest with myself, I wanted to "lessen the burden." I think I had some underlying hope that one of them would step up to the plate and try to get my mother help. What I learned from this experience was: 1) No one was surprised. Even with limited contact with her, it was evident to them that she is an alcoholic. 2) Everyone had healthy detachment, understanding that my mother has to want to get help before anything will change and because she is a mean, toxic drunk, they intended to keep their strong boundaries with her. So, while I got the relief of no longer keeping secrets and because these people are my family, they were very loving and supportive towards us, nothing about this changed the facts or changed my mother's behavior in any way. I agree with everyone else, Pink. Take care of yourself and your sweet daughter.

Timeiskey

Totally agree with NWGRITS. And you might find yourself sucked into more than you bargained for.

cookiesncream

Coming from the position of someone in recovery I will add to the chorus of other responses of "think very carefully" should you opt to go this route. There are several people that have recently gone this route on this forum that were successful. However they were also in the position where 1.) physical abuse was happening and/or 2.) They were endangering the lives of themselves and potentially others. In these situations only AFTER all other options have been exhausted I feel like telling other people is appropriate.

Your anger is quite justifiable. You have every right to be angry, hurt, and concerned. However as others have said think very carefully through your own motivations and expectations well in advance. If in any way they are motivated by anger or "getting back" at him think very carefully. While the temptation may be great, whether you stay married or not you share a daughter. If you're on the path to divorce (have not read your entire story but I gather this is a possibility) then telling his family will not engender any good will on his part and may make the process more contentious.

I admit that I myself have to think through the same question coming from the other side. My s/o has not always been the kindest person. At times he has been downright mean, etc, etc. Do I justify my own bad behavior by telling them that he has been no saint? Does this help anyone? Will it stop the behavior of his I don't like or will it just look like a "tit for tat" on my part?

I don't mean in any way to negate your feelings nor hijack this thread but I just wanted to chime in coming from "the other side."

Peace,


Cookies

FeelingGreat

PP, just to look at it from another angle, will your AH really be on his own? He doesn't spend any time with you as it is, but with his female 'friends'. I don't want this to sound hurtful or harsh, but he has detached from you long ago, and attached himself to young females. How they handle it now he's free would be interesting to watch; my feeling is it's convenient for them that he's married.
Your in-laws already dislike you even to the unfair point of extending it to their grand-daughter. You can't come out of this well with them, even if you had a halo. Even in kindly disposed families, blood is thicker than water, and these people aren't kindly-disposed to you.
The other point is that there would be almost nothing they could do to control or help your AH, unless he comes to them wanting help. That's much more likely to happen if you stay out of it.
Do you think he will fall apart when you leave? Just meaning, he's living his own life right now with almost no thought towards you. Does he rely on you for anything?

seasaw

I agree with most of the other posters.

Everything I ever did to alert other family members was, in the end, in the hope that they would help and validate *me, not the A.

Also, there's a hint of "I need to stay in THEIR ADDICTION, i need to KEEP 'HELPING' even though I have more than enough to do taking care of me/my own.

Don't overextend - I am really good at finding ways to distract myself from doing the Work I really NEED to be doing to take care of ME by starting up new conversations (nice word for 'drama') with other people. It's something I'm working on.

I think it's absolutely ok not to tell them. It's just not part of your storyline, the way I'm reading it.

charis78

My alcoholic ex was threatening suicide and went on a 50 beer bender. I contacted thehis mother from my hospital bed BC I was worried and well couldn't be of any help tied up to a bunch of IVs. I didn't get a thank you. I was dismissed. I'm pretty sure he twisted it when asked about it as he is a fantastic liar. So in the end it was a waste of energy/time.

I wonder if some families just rather not know. The fact that they even serve him beer when he visits and let him go home tanked just blows my mind

Sisterbobby

yes, take care of you and your child, and maybe your daughter can still have a relationship with her GP. Don't want to cause more tension between her and her GP'S. Take care.