Do I let his family know?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
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Do I let his family know?
I think about this often, once I leave do I write his family members a letter letting them all know just how bad off AH is with his alcohol and drug (pot) use?
He has three sisters, his mom, his step mom and his dad, but they all live in other states, so they would have no clue as to how bad AH has gotten.
They have no idea of the truth.
They are very loving towards him and are very supportive of him, as well as they can be long distance. Currently they are very supportive of him divorcing me. I'm the problem as they see it.
He's always complained about me to them, so they are very supportive of us divorcing, they think most of the problems in our marriage/life are mine. They greatly dislike me and I've never known why. I can guess though....
They've all also mostly ignored the child that AH and I have together while always been involved with his three children from his previous marriage (that we raised all together, so that was always awkward and hurtful to our daughter, BUt thats another long story for another time) All I can think of is that they dislike me (though I honestly have no been able to pin point a real reason as to why - and it's been 20 years) so I'm guessing they lump our daughter in with me and ignore her? I don't know, I've never been able to figure it out.
Anyhow, I digress!
They are aware that AH drinks. His mother is actually a drug and alcohol counselor! She put him in rehab for the first time when he was 15yo, he'll be 47 this year.
They have no idea how his alcoholism has progressed, I don't think they are aware of how much pot he smokes.
His family are social drinkers for sure, his dad is an alcoholic in my opinion.
I feel like AH is really going to deteriorate once I do leave and I actually am really afraid for him. I feel like I should let his family members know in hopes that they will believe me and become truly supportive of him and "take care" of him with all of this. Watch out for him......Call....Check up on him?.....Make sure he's okay?
I don't know.
What's the right, good thing to do here?
He has three sisters, his mom, his step mom and his dad, but they all live in other states, so they would have no clue as to how bad AH has gotten.
They have no idea of the truth.
They are very loving towards him and are very supportive of him, as well as they can be long distance. Currently they are very supportive of him divorcing me. I'm the problem as they see it.
He's always complained about me to them, so they are very supportive of us divorcing, they think most of the problems in our marriage/life are mine. They greatly dislike me and I've never known why. I can guess though....
They've all also mostly ignored the child that AH and I have together while always been involved with his three children from his previous marriage (that we raised all together, so that was always awkward and hurtful to our daughter, BUt thats another long story for another time) All I can think of is that they dislike me (though I honestly have no been able to pin point a real reason as to why - and it's been 20 years) so I'm guessing they lump our daughter in with me and ignore her? I don't know, I've never been able to figure it out.
Anyhow, I digress!
They are aware that AH drinks. His mother is actually a drug and alcohol counselor! She put him in rehab for the first time when he was 15yo, he'll be 47 this year.
They have no idea how his alcoholism has progressed, I don't think they are aware of how much pot he smokes.
His family are social drinkers for sure, his dad is an alcoholic in my opinion.
I feel like AH is really going to deteriorate once I do leave and I actually am really afraid for him. I feel like I should let his family members know in hopes that they will believe me and become truly supportive of him and "take care" of him with all of this. Watch out for him......Call....Check up on him?.....Make sure he's okay?
I don't know.
What's the right, good thing to do here?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I feel like I should let his family members know in hopes that they will believe me and become truly supportive of him and "take care" of him with all of this. Watch out for him......Call....Check up on him?.....Make sure he's okay?
I don't know.
What's the right, good thing to do here?
I don't know.
What's the right, good thing to do here?
Worry about you and your daughter. Your plate is full with that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi pink,
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have a question, and please do not take offence to this (and I apologise in advance if you do) but do you want to tell them for him or for you?
I only ask because when I was distancing from my axbf, who I had an average relationship with his family members, I felt the need to speak to them and explain and reach out but was conflicted as to whether I was doing this for myself or him. Did I want to justify why I was distancing myself, why I couldn't put up with it, to explain the terrible things he had said and done to me, to let them know that he wasn't this victim and I wasn't this bitch he probably made me out to be. To make them see all the hurt and pain he had caused me?
In part I reached out to them several times because like you are, I was so hugely concerned for his welfare, but when I look back I remember his mother (who he lived with and I lived with them both for a short while) had actually witnessed to some extent how utterly appallingly he treated me at times, in fact he treated her like **** to a lesser extent also. But because it was her son and blood is thicker than water, and to a degree because if he was my 'problem' he wasn't hers- she would more often than not side with him. I should be singing and dancing that he was a dry drunk for a few weeks, I needed to communicate better with him, I should be proud of him, I shouldn't confront him. I remember out right asking her on one occasion if how she observed him treating me was right and would she put up with it from a partner and she was shocked to silence because she knew that her son treated me like **** deep down.
Anyhow I'm rambling but I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes I wanted to reach out for his welfare but in truth it got me nowhere and I'm sure whatever they think of me is based on little fact, but I also wanted to reach out to have my say, for myself, to justify me walking away and I guess to be heard. But honestly, for me it wasn't worth it.
Sorry if that makes no sense, just thinking out loud of myself in a similar situation. What you do is whatever you think is right, but think carefully about what it would achieve first before making any move.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have a question, and please do not take offence to this (and I apologise in advance if you do) but do you want to tell them for him or for you?
I only ask because when I was distancing from my axbf, who I had an average relationship with his family members, I felt the need to speak to them and explain and reach out but was conflicted as to whether I was doing this for myself or him. Did I want to justify why I was distancing myself, why I couldn't put up with it, to explain the terrible things he had said and done to me, to let them know that he wasn't this victim and I wasn't this bitch he probably made me out to be. To make them see all the hurt and pain he had caused me?
In part I reached out to them several times because like you are, I was so hugely concerned for his welfare, but when I look back I remember his mother (who he lived with and I lived with them both for a short while) had actually witnessed to some extent how utterly appallingly he treated me at times, in fact he treated her like **** to a lesser extent also. But because it was her son and blood is thicker than water, and to a degree because if he was my 'problem' he wasn't hers- she would more often than not side with him. I should be singing and dancing that he was a dry drunk for a few weeks, I needed to communicate better with him, I should be proud of him, I shouldn't confront him. I remember out right asking her on one occasion if how she observed him treating me was right and would she put up with it from a partner and she was shocked to silence because she knew that her son treated me like **** deep down.
Anyhow I'm rambling but I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes I wanted to reach out for his welfare but in truth it got me nowhere and I'm sure whatever they think of me is based on little fact, but I also wanted to reach out to have my say, for myself, to justify me walking away and I guess to be heard. But honestly, for me it wasn't worth it.
Sorry if that makes no sense, just thinking out loud of myself in a similar situation. What you do is whatever you think is right, but think carefully about what it would achieve first before making any move.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Pink,
Three months into my relationship with my exABF, I spent an afternoon with his mother. We had a great connection and I did mention to her that I was a little concerned over his drinking. That opened a Pandora's box that I still regret. I have learned a lot about proper boundaries. For me, I will never engage with another partner's family in such an intimate way. There is no way for you to win that battle- its his family. Even if their eyes are opened because of what you say- you must consider why it is that they have had their heads in the sand for so long. Do you really want to be the one that "opens their eyes"? I wouldn't do it again. My engagement on that level was all about my own codependency and my ex's mother's codependency. It actually made the break up drastically worse, because I had to grieve the loss of more than one person to these awful issues- alcoholism and codependency.
Three months into my relationship with my exABF, I spent an afternoon with his mother. We had a great connection and I did mention to her that I was a little concerned over his drinking. That opened a Pandora's box that I still regret. I have learned a lot about proper boundaries. For me, I will never engage with another partner's family in such an intimate way. There is no way for you to win that battle- its his family. Even if their eyes are opened because of what you say- you must consider why it is that they have had their heads in the sand for so long. Do you really want to be the one that "opens their eyes"? I wouldn't do it again. My engagement on that level was all about my own codependency and my ex's mother's codependency. It actually made the break up drastically worse, because I had to grieve the loss of more than one person to these awful issues- alcoholism and codependency.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
I'm a little surprised by the responses.
I just feel like writing a short & sweet note once I'm gone telling them that his alcoholism has progressed and that maybe they should check in on him from time to time or perhaps become supportive in encouraging him to get sober.
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
What harm would come with making his family aware?
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
They aren't going to ever call me, I'd just feel better once I left letting someone who knows and loves AH know how bad off he is.
I don't care what they think about me, they've thought badly of me all this time anyhow.
I just feel like writing a short & sweet note once I'm gone telling them that his alcoholism has progressed and that maybe they should check in on him from time to time or perhaps become supportive in encouraging him to get sober.
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
What harm would come with making his family aware?
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
They aren't going to ever call me, I'd just feel better once I left letting someone who knows and loves AH know how bad off he is.
I don't care what they think about me, they've thought badly of me all this time anyhow.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I wouldn't waste your energy Pink.
I have similar with my ex and my daughter and her paternal grandparents.
One day it will all come crashing down around him.
I figure the less warning they have, the bigger the shock will be for them.
I truly could not care less about any of them anymore.
Personally, if I had a son who behaved like their son, I would be ashamed and embarrassed.
But what else can I expect from half wits who conduct their lives like they do?
I would be as stupid as they are if I expected anymore!!!!!!!!
Just smile to yourself and be happy you will soon be free of them.
I thank my lucky stars I have to have nothing more to do with them anymore.
Its sooooooooooooooooooo nice not having the mother in law from the planet thick anymore!!!
Chin up pretty lady xx
I have similar with my ex and my daughter and her paternal grandparents.
One day it will all come crashing down around him.
I figure the less warning they have, the bigger the shock will be for them.
I truly could not care less about any of them anymore.
Personally, if I had a son who behaved like their son, I would be ashamed and embarrassed.
But what else can I expect from half wits who conduct their lives like they do?
I would be as stupid as they are if I expected anymore!!!!!!!!
Just smile to yourself and be happy you will soon be free of them.
I thank my lucky stars I have to have nothing more to do with them anymore.
Its sooooooooooooooooooo nice not having the mother in law from the planet thick anymore!!!
Chin up pretty lady xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I feel like you should follow your own conscious. If it was me, I would let my husbands family know of my concerns. Since there are issues between you, then I would try to do it in a way that will cause you the least distress, lowest amount of confrontation with them.
Family can be a huge influence on a substance abuser depending on the dynamics of course. My husbands family was stellar. I dont even know what would have happened in our situation if they had not been involved. His parents knew all about addiction, best treatments and literally found the best rehab. I would have been clueless in my state of panic.
I guess my experience influences my comments to you, but I see family as a support system and I would want them to be informed from my perspective, and what they would do with it is then up to them.
Im sorry your going through so much, but I hope things turn around for you and life gets better soon.
Family can be a huge influence on a substance abuser depending on the dynamics of course. My husbands family was stellar. I dont even know what would have happened in our situation if they had not been involved. His parents knew all about addiction, best treatments and literally found the best rehab. I would have been clueless in my state of panic.
I guess my experience influences my comments to you, but I see family as a support system and I would want them to be informed from my perspective, and what they would do with it is then up to them.
Im sorry your going through so much, but I hope things turn around for you and life gets better soon.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They couldn't "do something about it" any more than you could. It will just come off as your justifying leaving him, and nobody will thank you for it. Not him, not them.
It's not as if he's dying in the hospital and this may be their only chance to say goodbye. That's about the ONLY situation I can think of where it makes sense--or where someone has to step in and care for a dependent child who might otherwise be in danger.
Stepping away quietly is the best move for everyone--including you.
It's not as if he's dying in the hospital and this may be their only chance to say goodbye. That's about the ONLY situation I can think of where it makes sense--or where someone has to step in and care for a dependent child who might otherwise be in danger.
Stepping away quietly is the best move for everyone--including you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
pink,
You presume it would be that simple.
By your own admission, they support him. By your own admission, they have no idea what's really going on. Do you really think those phone calls are going to be pleasant? Do you really think they're going to say, That's OK, pink, we understand.
Hell, no. It's got the potential to get ugly. It's one more engagement with potentially hostile people that you do not have the emotional bandwidth to handle.
Your job is to protect you and your daughter. Everything else is superfluous noise. F*ck his family. Let your AH explain to them why you've left if/when that time comes. And if he pulls the wool over their eyes, that's their problem, not yours.
His disease. His choices. His consequences. Worry about you and your daughter. Everything else is superfluous noise.
What harm would come with making his family aware?
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
By your own admission, they support him. By your own admission, they have no idea what's really going on. Do you really think those phone calls are going to be pleasant? Do you really think they're going to say, That's OK, pink, we understand.
Hell, no. It's got the potential to get ugly. It's one more engagement with potentially hostile people that you do not have the emotional bandwidth to handle.
Your job is to protect you and your daughter. Everything else is superfluous noise. F*ck his family. Let your AH explain to them why you've left if/when that time comes. And if he pulls the wool over their eyes, that's their problem, not yours.
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Pink, they already know he wants a divorce so they will be supportive. He also has two girlfriends to take care of him. He doesn't need you to tell his family he drinks too much. It is not your place or your business to do so. What you need to do is get your car fixed and get a job before he tosses you out and you find yourself homeless
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Alcoholic families are rarely in the dark about their family members' issues. It's called a family disease for a reason. The blame for his drinking will be placed on you. It will be placed on your child. The one person with control over his drinking (he himself) will be wrapped in the dysfunctional cocoon of his family. You will get more blame when they are the ones left to deal with him. Don't waste your time contacting them. They know full well what he is, and you won't do anything but stir up proverbial sh*t by trying to get them involved. You don't know what you're dealing with here, but many of us do because we've been there. My FOO is just like his. It's a losing battle not worth engaging in.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Yeah I agree with not contacting them about this. They will take his side, they already are taking his side. My MIL lived with us and saw the way my XAH husband treated me with her own eyes but he was still her son.
Only he can save himself so the only person that would be hurt by this would be you and your child.
Only he can save himself so the only person that would be hurt by this would be you and your child.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by pinkpeony 
I think about this often, once I leave do I write his family members a letter letting them all know just how bad off AH is with his alcohol and drug (pot) use?
By your admission, his family already doesn't seem to like you very much. They support him in going through divorce. For you to turn around and contact them to tell them about their son's problems, to them that would look like a bitter attempt to turn them against their family member in a time when they're rallying behind him. Whether or not it's true, it creates the appearance that you're trying to be spiteful due to the divorce. The chances of helping his family with such a message are miniscule to none. They'll find out on their own time how far he's progressed, but in the end it's still up to him, not them, to fix himself. If a wife and child wasn't able to rein in his habits, his family won't either, and trying to coddle him will just prevent him from hitting the rock bottom that he needs to realize his need to change. Taking care of him = enabling him.
You don't owe his family anything. You don't owe him anything. You owe YOURSELF the chance to move on with your life and focus on healing YOU. They are all adults, they can wear their adult pants and deal with life as it comes to them. You have absolutely no responsibility to make them take care of him.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by pinkpeony
I'm a little surprised by the responses.
I just feel like writing a short & sweet note once I'm gone telling them that his alcoholism has progressed and that maybe they should check in on him from time to time or perhaps become supportive in encouraging him to get sober.
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
What harm would come with making his family aware?
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
They aren't going to ever call me, I'd just feel better once I left letting someone who knows and loves AH know how bad off he is.
I don't care what they think about me, they've thought badly of me all this time anyhow.
I just feel like writing a short & sweet note once I'm gone telling them that his alcoholism has progressed and that maybe they should check in on him from time to time or perhaps become supportive in encouraging him to get sober.
I just feel badly about leaving him to his own disease I guess, with no support.
What harm would come with making his family aware?
He is a master at not talking about his problems and at making it seem like everything with him is great.
They aren't going to ever call me, I'd just feel better once I left letting someone who knows and loves AH know how bad off he is.
I don't care what they think about me, they've thought badly of me all this time anyhow.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Not a good idea. There's nothing they can do or say that will affect his drinking. If he needs their help he can call them directly. Keep the focus on your daughter and yourself, where your real power lies. A big hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Hey girlie. First of all, hugs.
Second, I've been through the same with my husband, over and over. Unfortunately, his family is and has been his enablers. While they truly seem to enjoy a good "husband-bashing", where they go over all his past mistakes & the things he's done while using/drinking, the minute we have any issues in our marriage, their response is to talk about all the things he "never did" before he met me.
What they don't seem to understand is that an alcoholic/user will always find ways to drink/use and hide it. It was going on under their noses but somehow they blocked it out, or didn't notice.
None of that is your fault, or your responsibility to make them see, however.
I have previously tried to help my husband AND his family by keeping his family informed of what's going on. Even though they're in a POSITION to help, doesn't mean they will. And it certainly doesn't prevent them from placing all the blame & responsibility on you.
My advice is similar to those above: take care of yourself, take care of your daughter & don't feel as if you can "save him" by asking his family to help out.
A big thing that I'm working on with my husband that will determine if we stay together or not, is his ability to recognize when he's on the verge of not doing well, or not doing things the right way, and to ASK FOR HELP. And that includes from his family members. In the end, his family is mine only because of marriage, not by blood, and that gives me the perfect excuse to STAY OUT OF IT, for my own sake...
Second, I've been through the same with my husband, over and over. Unfortunately, his family is and has been his enablers. While they truly seem to enjoy a good "husband-bashing", where they go over all his past mistakes & the things he's done while using/drinking, the minute we have any issues in our marriage, their response is to talk about all the things he "never did" before he met me.
What they don't seem to understand is that an alcoholic/user will always find ways to drink/use and hide it. It was going on under their noses but somehow they blocked it out, or didn't notice.
None of that is your fault, or your responsibility to make them see, however.
I have previously tried to help my husband AND his family by keeping his family informed of what's going on. Even though they're in a POSITION to help, doesn't mean they will. And it certainly doesn't prevent them from placing all the blame & responsibility on you.
My advice is similar to those above: take care of yourself, take care of your daughter & don't feel as if you can "save him" by asking his family to help out.
A big thing that I'm working on with my husband that will determine if we stay together or not, is his ability to recognize when he's on the verge of not doing well, or not doing things the right way, and to ASK FOR HELP. And that includes from his family members. In the end, his family is mine only because of marriage, not by blood, and that gives me the perfect excuse to STAY OUT OF IT, for my own sake...
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