whenimdone

I don't even know where to begin with this. I've been sober for five years, and my spouse of 21 years (30 together) informed me a few weekends ago that he's dissatisfied with our life together, and wants to leave.

My husband is an alcoholic (like me)...it was one of the things we used to have in common, which was another struggle when sobering up; realizing it would put more distance between us.

It has, he's continued to drink in front of my every night for the past five years. I've held it together because I love him, and for our son's sake. We've gone into couples counseling, and one of the things we're talking about is alcoholism.

He says he doesn't need to stop drinking, he just needs to cut back. If he didn't have so much stress (meaning a wife and special needs teen), he could cut back and everything would be great.

I know I'm not telling anyone here anything they don't know, but he's been cycling since we met...cuts back, starts drinking heavily again, cuts back, repeat until nauseous. I did the same thing, so it's nothing mysterious.

He did say in counseling that he was "impressed" by my sobriety...but I could hear him distancing himself. The message was, "Well YOU needed to get sober. *I* just need to cut back a little!"

I've never nagged him about his drinking, because it wouldn't stop him, and just give him another excuse to detach.

How does someone get to be this old and still be blaming their alcoholism on someone else? How do you blame your drinking problem on a kid who can't even fend for himself?

Sorry, I guess I just need to vent. I do have my own independent counselor to try and keep it together during this.

Katchie

I'm so glad you have your own counselor to help you with this!

I know your hurting and I'm so sorry for that. I know my husband has blamed me for his drinking before, but we know this is untrue. If he can't blame you or someone else then there is only one person left to blame, himself, and it seems he isn't ready to look that closely in the mirror just yet.

Are you going to alanon? The added support would be so helpful to you.

whenimdone

Thank you, Katchie. I've been told that before by the few friends who knew my situation. It's taken me five years just to reach out for support with my own recovery, because I'm terrible at asking for help.

There's so much shame that accompanies this disease. I'd have to be super sneaky about going to an-anon, because if my husband found out he'd just use it as an excuse to drink more.

Although, since we're now in couples counseling and he's threatening to leave us, I'm not really certain why I feel the need to be sneaky.

Jupiters

I just wanted to say congrats on 5 years. That IS amazing. Incredible.

marie1960

How does someone get to be this old and still be blaming their alcoholism on someone else?

D-E-N-I-A-L.

Congrats to you on your sobriety, so glad your child has you!

lizatola

I remember a friend telling me the acronym for denial:
Don't Even kNow I Am Lying

I have just left my husband of 20 years. We have a special needs teen, as well, so I can relate to that part of your story. Marriage counseling got us nowhere because he was active in his disease and the blame, denial, and excuses ran so deep that the counselor couldn't get us to make any head way. So, we got kicked out of marriage counseling, which was fine by me because it was so draining.

Denial is a difficult subject because I am familiar with it in myself so I had to learn to how to 'understand' it from the alcoholic's point of view. I'm sorry that you all are struggling. I agree with you, though, about going to meetings. I think Al Anon would be a great place for you.

Congrats on your sobriety, too! 5 years is a huge accomplishment!

firebolt

Alanon is for you - if he uses you getting help to foster his addiction, well, that's his decision to make. Sad.

How did you get sober? on your own or did you have a program? CONGRATULATIONS on keeping yourself healthy through all this!

Anywho - Alanon has been a lifesaver for many - I hope you are taking care of yourself through this mess. (((HUGS)))

whenimdone

Thanks to everyone. Firebolt, I got sober on my own. I stopped cold turkey once before, when trying to conceive my son, stayed sober throughout the pregnancy, and until he was four.

I'm coming up on that time frame again, and this crap with my husband is really freaking me out, which is why I'm doing what I didn't do the first time...getting some help. I was never able to say to anyone, "I have a problem!" before this...now people know outside my house know, and there's accountability.

It's so weird to be in the position now of considering alanon. In a small way it feels like I'd be betraying my husband. I never wanted to make him feel bad about being an alcoholic. Sort of like: He stuck by me, so I need to stick by him.

Except he isn't sticking by us, he's trying to scrape us off his shoe, because we make him so unhappy. If only he could get rid of us, he could find "excitement and love" with a crossfit trainer half his age, cut down to two tiny glasses of wine a day, and live happily ever after.

I still love him, but I'm not sure our marriage can or should survive this midlife crisis slash alcoholic journey of stupidity he's on.

knowthetriggers

Congrats on being sober and even bigger congrats recognizing that you need to stay strong and get help.

Not sure what I could add about your AH, he is being pretty selfish, but then again I have not known an A that isn't at one time or another.

Stay strong and keep coming back!

firebolt

I understand the feeling of betrayal by going to meetings. I felt them too - haha for a second. Then my logic - and admittedly my anger took over.

Then i realized it helped me. And all guilt was gone, and ABF's feelings on the matter no longer mattered. Going wasn't about him. Be good to yourself right now - you deserve A LOT more than you are getting!

whenimdone

Most troubling is that he's so far from admitting he needs to stop. When he said to me: I don't feel like I need to stop, just cut back, my stomach dropped. If he'd even said, I'd like to stop, but I don't feel ready, I'd have understood. To hear him completely deny reality was nauseating.

I have been there...I know how it feels to tell yourself, "But booze is the only thing I enjoy!" "It's the only thing I do for ME!" I even remember thinking,"So what if I drink myself to death? My son will be better off without me!" just so I could excuse my continued drinking. And yes, I know how ridiculous all that stuff is now. I knew at the time, but who wants to give up their escape from reality?

Even if I don't think I deserve better, my son does. He didn't ask for any of this.