Liveitwell

I received a text from my AH-our divorce will be final in the next week. To me it wreaks of victim mentality, not owning up to his alcoholism tearing apart this family (with extreme scary behaviors) and deflecting blame to make me feel bad. I don't feel bad, though-he's made his choices and his actions have not changed. Just tjouvht y'all could way in. I've been praying for years for him to come to God with a repentant heart. God answered my prayers by finally giving me the strength to say No more for myself or our young kids. I'm giving them a life that is not living in the hell of an alcoholic family with all it's fear and dysfunction. I still pray for him every day and will not stop bc I do believe Gid can change hearts. Text was something like this :

All I wanted to do was love you, after reading everything you wrote (on this site and remotely reading my private texts and emails) I realize you are incapable of love. You were a terrible wife but a good mom. I wish you would have put effort into us. You've used our children against me and you've said a lot to everyone. You planned our demise - you broke my heart.

Again-this is paraphrased. Truth be told? He did just wabt to love me-I know that in my heart. I also know you cannot love others until you love yourself and only God can heal our wounds. I don't think he has any idea what love is but it is an action that does not include things such as neglect, abuse, abandonment, drunk scary things, and completely not taking responsibility for ones actions. I never planned our marriages demise-I planned a way out of the utter destruction he was doing to me, our kids and this marriage since it became pbvious he had no intention of seeking real recovery or stopping the abusive behaviors. If he had, we wouldn't be where we are today. Thank you for listening. Thoughts would be appreciated.

firebolt

I'm so sorry. They just can't see past the end of their own noses when in active addiction.

You did the right thing. His text has nothing to do with you, and is all about making himself feel better - poor him.

You, on the other hand, sound calm, understanding, loving, and like you have the 20,000 foot view of the whole situation. Bravo do you for doing what is necessary to protect you and your family!

dandylion

Foroutgirls....what kind of merit are you looking for....?

dandylion

FireSprite

My honest thought is: QUACK!

Definitely blameshifting here, love isn't enough to fix any addict & he's sure using yours as a weapon isn't he? ((((hugs))))

Reading over your recent posts it sounds like he isn't ready to embrace recovery & just white-knuckled through a few weeks of sobriety. I doubt he's in any frame of mind to understand your POV.

SparkleKitty

I think you would do well to file this away under His Version of Reality and let it go. He may think it, but that doesn't make any of it true.

LexieCat

Agree with SparkleKitty. And recommend you DON'T respond to "set him straight."

NYCDoglvr

If he's reading the things you write about him I wouldn't expect him to be conciliatory, if that's what you're seeking. But keep in mind it's normal for both parties to feel a lot of anger and resentment at each other during a divorce. Regarding recovery, it's completely up to the alcoholic if he or she will stop drinking.

KKE

When I read this my first thought was "this is HIS perception and HIS truth". As has been proven to you in this relationship, trying to change someone (someone else's perception) is a tiring and often futile task.

Liveitwell

Perception not based on reality and facts is a perception not of truth.

Liveitwell

Facts-6 year old loves her dad but is scared of him. Very angry with him. When she finally understood we were not going to be married any longer she asked me "why can't God keep you married" and "I don't wabt dad to live here with us bc all he did was drink all the time and was really mean to you and then you were mean back" and "daddy's mean to me when he drinks" and "why didn't dad want to hang out with me? He was always outside by himself". Yep. She's got it figured out, albeit very confused and hurt which her therapist is dealing with. These are facts. Not perception. So he can keep his perception and I'll live in reality. Have no plans on ever responding unless he seeks recovery.

KKE

Sounds like you know the answer to your own question. I.e. There really is no merit to what he is saying.

Liveitwell

True-just need to write it out sometimes/helps to think things through. He's just doing what an addict does. Plain and simple.

bird13

forourgirls, I believe that even though he is saying " you were a terrible wife " he knows deep down where the blame lies. Alcoholics may be drunk but they aren't stupid . . . There is a difference. Right now that is easy for him to play the victim role but as that dies down and you have your boundaries and move forward he will know deep down where the blame was whether or not he sobers up.

Just my opinion but when you love someone like he says, you don't say things like " but you were a terrible wife. " seems like he is hugging you while at the same time stabbing you with a knife.

Liveitwell

@bird13-yes, it feels very much like that.

Thumper

Sooooo much projection in his words.

bird13

Really Thumper! My mouth fell open when I read that.


Forourgirls, I also wanted to tell you that I too believe in the power of prayer. I too prayed for years for him to hit a wall and sober up. He attempted it.. I did see overtime how the prayers did help him, AND me. I left eventually. I am still including him in my prayers every single day like you! I appreciated you sharing that in your post as it greatly uplifted me that I am not alone in praying about this. I believe God can change hearts and I have seen this happen for two other people. : ) His grace is what counts. Also, in praying for others I think we are in turn healed ourselves. Whenever my ex would say things to me that felt like a backhanded compliment, I just reminded myself to Let Go and Let God. I reminded myself that it was the disease talking, protecting itself, feeling attacked, smothering the person I loved in bad judgement. And I prayed for him especially then.

LemonGirl

Isn't it sad how they feel the whole world is against them when all they ever had to do to feel the love is seek the world that exists in front of them?

I think you're brave and I am rooting you on!

FeelingGreat

Unfortunately good intentions aren't enough. Love requires us to work on ourselves, make sacrifices, compromise, and have empathy for the other party. It can be hard work, and unless you're willing to do that, words are empty.

Overcomer4

Are we married to the same man?.....those same words have been used on me!! It is a bunch of bologna!!

TerpGal

Perception not based on reality is definitely not truth. It's the textbook definition of a delusion. Delusional people are very unwell. Just shows you how sick they really are.