Haven't posted in awhile
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I admire your choice Mimi. I did not make the same one and while no one was hurt I have a lot of regret and shame for not being a stronger and more clear headed mother.
You need to see him as being sober, calm, and stable before leaving a toddler with him and that is a good boundary to have. It doesn't really matter how he chooses to get there. You also don't have to get caught in the game of answering his questions about what he needs to do to get there. That just opens the door for him to manipulate things and check things off a list and say "I did it. Done." and maybe he is still acting like he's ready to step off the edge at any minute. BTDT and learned my lesson.
The courts don't always help out in these situations so standing up and setting the tone right away is a very smart move.
You need to see him as being sober, calm, and stable before leaving a toddler with him and that is a good boundary to have. It doesn't really matter how he chooses to get there. You also don't have to get caught in the game of answering his questions about what he needs to do to get there. That just opens the door for him to manipulate things and check things off a list and say "I did it. Done." and maybe he is still acting like he's ready to step off the edge at any minute. BTDT and learned my lesson.
The courts don't always help out in these situations so standing up and setting the tone right away is a very smart move.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
MiMi, I think you are doing super great! Trust is earned over time and he has not earned yours.
Jen, I have to say that I disagree. I have a 15 year old DD. When my X lived with us, the trauma caused by his drinking was huge. She just wanted to hide away, both of my kids did. It's not your daughter's responsibility to watch your 4 year old while you get hammered. No disrespect intended.
I just sense in your post that you feel as though she should have been the responsible one at that time, and that is not true at all. You are the adult.
Anyone left with a child should be in the frame of mind to watch the children, if not they should not be exposed to the children due to the trauma it causes.
I wish you luck on your journey to sobriety.
Jen, I have to say that I disagree. I have a 15 year old DD. When my X lived with us, the trauma caused by his drinking was huge. She just wanted to hide away, both of my kids did. It's not your daughter's responsibility to watch your 4 year old while you get hammered. No disrespect intended.
I just sense in your post that you feel as though she should have been the responsible one at that time, and that is not true at all. You are the adult.
Anyone left with a child should be in the frame of mind to watch the children, if not they should not be exposed to the children due to the trauma it causes.
I wish you luck on your journey to sobriety.
Originally Posted by Jen73 
Hello there,
My husband is also goes to Alanon, for growing up with alcoholics, married to one, control issues and anxiety.
The last time I drink was Feb 3rd 2015, my husband called the cops due to me drinking heavily that night. I can admit I was not in the right stage of mind to watch my 4 year old.
But, what gets me though, I was 12 years old when I started to watch kids for money. My daughter is 14, she can do a lot of things to take care of herself at home. But, I guess that night she felt like I should be taking care of my 4 year old.
Child service came the next day and ask me what are you going to do for yourself, I told them I am going to get help. I found this forum, I go to 2-3 meetings a week!
However, my husband did the same thing to me, he didn't feel like I was able to watch my kids, remember, I am sober! When my mother walked in the house, I was like what?
I was angry, confused, and so many emotions...
I yelled at him and told him, we know you have a control problem, we know I have a drinking problem but you don't have the right to take me kids away when I sober. I also told him it was not right to call my mother either..
I know he was in a tough situation and he had to do what it feels good for him. But, he realize that wasn't really the right choice he made.
So what I am trying to say as a alcoholic, just watch how you use your boundaries, because those things can be a trigger for drinking again....
I did enjoy your post it was quite delightful and thanks for sharing it.
"Communication is the key to success and go forward for a better healthy life"
My husband is also goes to Alanon, for growing up with alcoholics, married to one, control issues and anxiety.
The last time I drink was Feb 3rd 2015, my husband called the cops due to me drinking heavily that night. I can admit I was not in the right stage of mind to watch my 4 year old.
But, what gets me though, I was 12 years old when I started to watch kids for money. My daughter is 14, she can do a lot of things to take care of herself at home. But, I guess that night she felt like I should be taking care of my 4 year old.
Child service came the next day and ask me what are you going to do for yourself, I told them I am going to get help. I found this forum, I go to 2-3 meetings a week!
However, my husband did the same thing to me, he didn't feel like I was able to watch my kids, remember, I am sober! When my mother walked in the house, I was like what?
I was angry, confused, and so many emotions...
I yelled at him and told him, we know you have a control problem, we know I have a drinking problem but you don't have the right to take me kids away when I sober. I also told him it was not right to call my mother either..
I know he was in a tough situation and he had to do what it feels good for him. But, he realize that wasn't really the right choice he made.
So what I am trying to say as a alcoholic, just watch how you use your boundaries, because those things can be a trigger for drinking again....
I did enjoy your post it was quite delightful and thanks for sharing it.
"Communication is the key to success and go forward for a better healthy life"
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