bird13

I just really need to vent. I am down and I know this feeling will pass but I need to put it down somewhere right now. I feel hopeless. I feel stuck. In no particular order...

Ex-abf is looking extremely awful. I feel like in the last 6mo. his physical looks have deteriorated at an alarming rate, and he is frail with 0 muscle tone left. He came over the other night to help me with something and his arm and leg were shaking all over the place. depressing.

I've dated, it has just been ok. Nothing thrilling, still waiting for the guy..

I don't have any interest in going back to him as a drinker. I feel stuck b/c of it. He is rallying against reality pleading his case to my best friends asking for advice on something he knows the answer to. It is depressing. He knows he has to be sober to get me back so... why is he wasting time on that? They have their own lives anyway, what can they fix? The only thing they DO have to say about it is this: "Hey why does he look so bad? He lost a lot of weight. Doesn't seem so good." depressing. Makes me feel even more hopeless that he is just going to die. So, I go back to trying to date, and realizing I am not meeting anyone out there either.. just back and forth between missing what we have and hoping he will smack the bottom and trying to push on and wait for the right person to come along.

He too goes between missing what we had, to realizing I won't take him back drunk and dating other people or whatever he is doing that he said is just not the same and depressing as well. But neither one of us will budge and I literally am over the hump. I have zero temptation to take him back like this. Just bleh. I am not even physically attracted to him b/c I don't even recognize him. It is sad.

I am just down tonight and feel like crying. I wish we never had to deal with his drinking. I feel like I am forced to replace my soul mate (which is a steep task) all due to drinking. I am a person who is otherwise happy alone if I am not with the right person, so as you can imagine, I have been alone and lightly dating. I don't really even feel like having sex with anyone. I don't even think about it. I'm past the painful part of the "heartbreak phase" but I don't really know what is the solution to this, other than to just let the days go by and keep focusing on work and friends. kinda painful tonight. My girlfriend just got engaged, I'm happy for her but I am just losing hope here. For anything. : /

Seren

Hello bird, I'm sorry to hear you are having a down time right now!

It is painful to watch someone we care about choose to continue to destroy themselves...I know. It seems as though you feel so bad because you continue to have contact with him. Have you considered completely cutting ties, going "No Contact"? I think if there comes a time, sometime in the future, when he has managed to 'right this ship', then he would find a way to write to you.

I've been in this limbo state before, and it's not fun! Waiting for something that just never happens, and not moving on but making half-hearted attempts because I thought 'someday, he'll get it together and we'll be together again'. All I know is that I couldn't move on to something new and better for me when I was holding on to the old.

Perhaps your holding on is also keeping your ex in a sort of limbo, too. He may have the illusion that he can return to the old pattern because you continue to keep in contact with him?

Sending hugs! I hope you have been able to get some rest!!

freetosmile

Don't give up hope. I think good things happen to us when we least expect them. At least I know that is the way it seems to work for me.

There is a plan. You have to remember that....no matter what HP you believe in or even if you don't have one, you have to know that nothing happens by chance and there is a reason you don't have Mr. Right yet.

I'm sorry about your ex. That just sucks to see them wasting away like that, doesn't it? I watched my ex go through that, but his was because of drugs.

I would wonder if having contact with this individual is really what you need right now?

Hugs. Don't give up. Good things happen to those who wait and I firmly believe that.

LemonGirl

Well, it sounds like a part of you is still grieving. It could help put that to rest by going NC. Though if you're anything like me, I've been emotionally well staying in light contact with my xabf.

But I really feel that meeting someone new is probably farther away than I'd like. In the meantime, I have lots of work to do on myself.

lillamy

You waste time on things as long as you still have hope.
Once hope is gone, you move on.

After I left AXH, he contacted everyone he could think of to try and get me back. Most of my friends told him to take a hike. The friends he got to, the ones who contacted me and told me about how sad he was and how he regretted his behavior and how everything would be better if I just came back to him? I cut them out of my life.

They thought they were doing us both a favor. They never heard the real story from him -- just the part he wanted them to hear. Just enough that they felt sorry for him and wanted to "help" us both.

I decided I didn't need them in my life any more than I needed him.

Seren's suggestion of going "no contact" with him -- and letting your friends know you don't want to hear a WORD about him -- is one I would also suggest you consider. I know that for me, the coin dropped when my lawyer told me AXH had called and said, "If I could only get her alone in a room for half an hour, I know I could make her come back."

And he was right. I was so enmeshed in that marriage, I had no boundaries between him and me, I had pretty much ceased to be my own person and was just like a shell. And that's why the only thing that could save me from getting dragged back in was to not have any contact.

bird13

Hi Guys Thanks for all your posts. Helping me start the day. I wish I had put in there, we were no contact for the last 6 mo. It helped considerably for that time frame and what I was feeling then and I also got my power back. It was also extremely painful. Now I am at the point where light contact or none makes no difference, I am just in this vast space of .... what now? how depressing. ( lol. does that make sense? )

My 2 best friends he contacted only and said he may call my parents who will definitely tell him the same story. He knows better than to waste time anywhere else. I don't have a ton of friends. Only a few very dear ones and those close to me respect us both and are good people. Those two have experience with addicts and just told him flat out that he needs to get sober and that is the bottom line. One told him if he keeps going like this the results could be serious on his health. I am surprised he even talked to them, b/c he knows they both think he has a problem.

Serene, since I did the no contact and dated other people I don't really feel I am in that limbo state. I feel like I went through it, was disappointed and then went back to hoping he would sober up, then on more dates.. seems that hope just cycles around and around NC or Contact. :-( Maybe that is normal...

I also wondered if allowing him to have that little contact with me gave him hope that wasn't good?

But then they say nothing we do or don't do helps them get sober. So I am all confused on that point. : / Seems like some things we do influence them. I do believe in God and pray often about this, and I just keep thinking that with a little contact to none at all, in the end the key is for me to just keep moving forward & evolving. That will speak for itself. And keep asking my HP for help. Some days it feels like you will be stuck in this purgatory feeling forever! Thanks for your replies..

marie1960

In gentleness, sounds to me like you are putting too much emphasis on having a man in your life. Maybe some Bird13 time is in order. Who says you have to be currently dating? If it's too much for you right now, take a break.

it's so easy for our thoughts to return to what is familiar. Do you really and truly believe a man who cannot get his act together is your soulmate? a man that would choose booze over the woman he loves is your soulmate ? Perhaps he was just a moment in time, two ships passing in the night. It's all about perception.

Sorry you are feeling down. Do something nice for yourself, be your own best friend for a day, you deserve a boost.

hang in there.

bird13

yes marie, have been telling myself that for awhile, just planning a lot of things for myself to do.. I am usually very happy alone actually to fault. haha!! But it may be the age I am, I want kids, people are getting married around me.. that time I guess..

I just want you all to know how grateful I am I can come here, and that you share your stories with me. I am truly full of gratitude today for this support. ((hug))

dandylion

bird13...I have a suspicion that you are overwhelmed (stuck/frozen) by fear of the unknown...fear of the future....
You will need to construct a new life for yourself...one without him as the central focus.
One with yourself as the focus.
You will have to rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. You may still care for him at a human level...but, you will no longer "need" him.

You didn't mention if you have had any help with your own self-development during that no contact period...?
(dating is not a program of self-development....LOl.)

dandylion

bird13

I did, that was a good period for me and it changed a lot in my life. Everything except dating actually. lol funny enough. And the main part of it for me was that I realized he was not the central focus anymore, I was. and I read that post on here about regaining your power and realized that is what happened during that time. But even then, and now, I still wonder and get down when I realize how I have been doing it all right and still have not met anyone ..Just as important as those other aspects coming together are my hopes/dreams of meeting a partner who I can have a life with someday. Always believed when the time is right the person comes. I don't know why right now it is bothering me and I feel hopeless. independent of alcohol, sometimes u have a real connection with someone and we have that, I would rather be alone right now than settle with something mediocre with someone else. I see people around me ding this and I am like, How can they do that? I wish I could. I do want to rise from the ashes like the Pheonix. I like that!!

dandylion

bird13....all in a 6 mo. period of time...? We often spend decades with a broken inner self and it takes a longer period of work....digging deep and fearlessly to get to where the wounds really are.
6 mo. is a very short time to complete the grieving process.
I would suggest a longer period...more like 2 years to grow new wings that will carry you with confidence and happiness in your own skin. Then, you will be able to enter a relationship that allows both of y ou to thrive.
Like attracts like.

Dating can be a distraction and does get you out of the house...but, it can be a distraction from other issues, also.

dandylion