Katchie

My husband settled on a place to detox and rehab for the next 35 days. I dropped him off at the airport and went straight to my boys games. I saw a lot of folks from our sons old basketball team from the past years that my husband coached; it was SO good to see all of those faces, some of which know my home situation. The new coach of that team, my husbands former assistant coach, came up to me and let me know that he is and has been praying for us every day. He said sometimes he awakes at 3am with the urge to pray for our family; I just about melted on the spot.

I have mixed emotions about the 35 days. He had the chance to take a 10 day detox and then go to a 3 month rehab that is in our state but he chose the shorter one many states away. 35 days is a drop in the bucket to the years of his alcohol abuse, but then so is 3 months. I just cant imagine that its more effective though. But, it was his decision, its his journey.

I feel like he may be expecting to be back home when he completes the 35 days. I don't know that I can do that comfortably. I feel like I've gained too much personal ground and that would jeopardize it. I just don't trust yet that this could be his healing. I want to, but I just can't. I feel like that I should still move over to my grandmothers, perhaps before his return, so that I'm already set up and when he does return he can be in his own home and not a hotel.

On another note, his mother called me a couple of days ago after learning her son is an alcoholic. She is still trying to wrap her head around it all. I asked her forgiveness for not being able to tell her. She just wished I had felt close enough to her that I could go to her with this. I tried to explain that I am close to her, but I couldn't tell anyone for so long and it had nothing to do with her. I hope she understands that.

She also asked me if I still love him. My heart about broke into a million pieces. I love his family so much, but I was honest and told her when I see the real him I can feel some of that love flood back into me, but most the time he isn't really here because he is drunk and in those moment I hate him and I'm filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness. She said she understands.

I'm so thankful that she isn't angry with me. Again, I really love her and his family and they are all so good to my sons.

I'm going back over to my grandmothers with the boys today. Hoping to get a lot done so I don't have to use them again for all the heavy things. My sister, BIL, niece and her husband all helped me a lot yesterday trimming an enormous elm and putting the limbs in a container. Pulling up the NASTY shag carpet/padding to reveal beautiful oak flooring. It was a day long job. I have 2 bedrooms left with carpet the boys will help with and some scraping of padding from one room that is so old it has disintegrated.

AH called me last night while at the airport and apologized he just realized this weekend is Valentines day. I told him no worries, I didn't want to do anything anyway. I probably shouldn't have said that, but I was dreading it before he made the decision to go to rehab. I have all the memories from last years V-day that are so unpleasant. I really am glad he isn't here even if for just that reason alone.

LemonGirl

Hey Katchie! I agree with you that 35 days isn't very long at all... Maybe he could get into a sober living home when he is done. After all, his sobriety is going to be a very long journey and he should be focusing on that before beginning to focus on his relationship with you. Maybe you could take some time to really sit down and figure out your new set of boundaries...

redatlanta

I am glad he went. Yes 35 days is short for his length of alcoholism. To the contrary - many have achieved sobriety without rehab. My RAH included who was a 22 year alcoholic and made it through AA, no detox, no rehab. If your husband is committed it is a done deal. If he is not committed he could go to rehab for a year and would drink the first day out.

Here is my advice regarding the rest...take what you want and all of that...

-Keep contact to a minimum
-Enjoy this time to yourself and don't get trapped in future tripping about the What If's
-Do not feel obliged to make decisions about what to do when he gets out now. I'm sure the subject will come up most likely sooner than later. You don't have to give an answer today, tomorrow or next week. One thing about your AH is he seems to be relatively easier than some to deal with on living arrangements.
-Getting grandma's house ready is a great goal. It allows you options. There are many options here from you moving in to RAH going into sober living. There is not a one size fits all there is only what works for you.

((hugs)) keeping your family in prayers.

Seren

Wow! Sounds like it has been an exhausting few days for you, Katchie. Seems perfectly normal and fine that you don't trust this current effort your husband is making. Time will tell, and I hope you will do what feels comfortable and right for you. As always, you, your children, and your husband are in my prayers.

Liveitwell

Just my two cents from experience. My AH did the same thing and then has been drinking heavily ever since I told him I wasn't ready for him to come home. I am not going through it again. He can do whatever he wants. His journey. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace...which is what I and our girls finally have...now that he's gone.

PinkCloudsCharley

I'm not sure it's the amount of time they're gone, but rather how hard they want to be sober. My H went to detox for 5 days and has been sober since, after heavy drinking for a decade, and is determined to stay sober. I think it's more about mindset.

Refiner

I hope you can enjoy 35 days of peace, Katchie.

Katchie

I believe I will!

LexieCat

Yup, it's all about the commitment. A YEAR in rehab wouldn't work if someone isn't ready to fundamentally change. I did nothing but AA meetings, but I promised myself that if I were still drinking in 90 days I'd do rehab. The biggest advantage to rehab, IMO, is the opportunity to focus on NOTHING but recovery for a period of time. More rehab doesn't equal "better chance of staying sober" from what I've seen. It disrupts the drinking pattern and gets you focused long enough to get on your feet and learn some relapse-prevention tools that can help, especially early on when navigating sobriety is so new and unfamiliar.

I think living apart for at least a while after he comes home is probably a good idea, just to give you all a chance to regroup.

Hugs, and make the most of this 35 days!

HealingWillCome

Happy Valentine's Day, Katchie. Praying for lots of peace for you.

Your new/old house sounds awesome. It makes me think you'll find a lot of peace and comfort there, especially with all the love and care you're giving it right now. Much work now, totally worth the effort later.

cookiesncream

I am very glad for you Katchie. Enjoy your sense of peace. I think the plan to move to your grandmother's is a good one for both of you. Many times when I was in rehab (intensive outpatient that lasted about three months) I would hear people ask "how long will it take for friends and family to forgive me? Many of these folks were also there after repeated relapses. Counselors tended to say "take one year for each year you were addicted and you'll need to be sober without relapses for at least that long." Clearly there was no scientific evidence behind that answer but it was eye opening indeed. As addicts there are no magic bullets. Of the many things we have to accept the fact that we may never be forgiven is one of them. For your part you may never forgive him and that is okay. You've been through the wringer and back. I'm glad that your life is going in a positive direction regardless of what your husband does. I'm also very glad you reached out to his family. I know it was a gut-wrenching decision to make but I applaud you on making it.


Peace and I hope you find serenity on this Valentines day. Be good to yourself.


-Cookies

MissFixit

HI Katchie,

Your new place sounds cool. I like that you found oak floors underneath the carpet. Isn't it funny that people used to cover them up like that?

Glad he is going to rehab. Stay grounded in your reality whatever he chooses to do. You have made such progress in terms of self care and coming out of where you were last year. It is really easy to go back to where things felt safer and easier, because they are familiar. That doesn't make the familiar stuff healthier though.

Rehab is not a magic bullet and going wont "make" him better. More tools in the toolbox, but he has to use them. Instead of worrying about hoping he gets better, why not keep focusing that energy on yourself with the knowledge that you WILL get better and better not matter what anyone else does or doesn't do? Sometimes hoping something for someone else so close to us is another way of us putting our wellbeing in their hands, even if its just emotional wellbeing.

As far as the in laws go, many people are friends with and close to their former in laws regardless of being married to their relative or not.

knowthetriggers

You are well on your way Katchie. I hope you find peace in your heart and some rest these next few days.

Will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

freetosmile

((((((katchie)))))))


Oh my goodness girlie--- I'm so happy that you get this time to just focus on you and not have to deal with him coming over for dinner drunk and begging to come home.

I'm also so worried....you know how my AH's rehab turned out-- and I had so much hope. But your A isn't my A, so perhaps this will be enough to knock him into gear.

I will be praying for you and your family. You deserver a sober husband, your boys deserve it too.

I know you were so torn up about whether to tell MIL about all this...but you make the best choice that you could at the time and now all the cards are out on the table. Nothing to hide anymore.

I hope things go well. I really do. I hope they go better than they did for me. Ha! It won't take too much for that.

Lenina

as Lexie said, it's not the length of time, it's the committment of the person. I got sober after a 30 day inpatient program and stayed that way for eleven years.

katchie, I wish you Love and peace in your life.

Love from Lenina

dandylion

Katchie....it is standard for rehabs to work up a discharge plan for their clients. Hopefully, you will be involved in this process...and, be able to make your needs and wishes known when it comes closer to that time.

dandylion

cookiesncream

I couldn't agree more. I guess a few additional thoughts on this from “the other side.” I forget how long your husband has been an alcoholic so forgive me in advance btw. I think many of us wind up in rehab programs because basically we’re forced to by friends and family. I candidly admit that was the situation in my case. “Get sober or you’re OUT.” I do think this is a reasonable boundary and one I agree with. From the addict side though long-term sobriety cannot be achieved on this alone. I think there are a lot of people that wind up in rehab and ultimately relapse at some point because they didn’t want to stop drinking for themselves. Quite honestly it wasn't until the final month of my sobriety where I finally realized that I got sober for all the wrong reasons but I would STAY sober for ME.

IMHO getting sober is the easy part. Rehab regardless of the length of time is living in a bubble. I did an outpatient program so it was less of a bubble than inpatient but still…. Commitment to sobriety comes from within. It takes a lot of self-introspection, relearning a lot of habits and ways of coping. I also think that alcoholism comes in many forms. There are people that have a physiological reaction to alcohol that was likely there from the first drink. Admitting to yourself that you can NEVER EVER EVER have “just one drink” takes a lot. I have met and seen many people that have relapsed because this fundamental truth was never accepted. I’m not sure the length of a program has much to do with inner motivations or acceptance of certain truths.

All of this said none of all of this stuff you have any control over. Time will tell and actions will speak on your husbands behalf. As I've said many times before you've been through the wringer and back. My heart hurts for you. Take care of yourself and plan for you and your children’s future regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do.

Peace,

Cookies

Katchie

Cookies, I agree. I told my BIL that he will be highly protected from the outside world and it's when he comes back that much work will need to be done daily in order to face the reality of everyday living. He agreed.

I know what I want. I want peace. I want my children to feel secure in at leat one parent. I want my children's future families to feel good about leaving my grandchildren with me and not worrying if drunk grandpa is going to drive wasted with their kids in the car. I want family time that is healthy. I want to be loved by a whole person.
on another note, my son's blessed me yesterday by helping with the house. We accomplished so much together and I'm so very grateful. My eldest son drove in from school for the day too. What a nice weekend...I plan on taking them to a movie today. :-)

Spalding

Hi Katchie! Are you or you AH able to look into transition services such as transition housing? I know that part is just as important as the rehab portion?

Katchie

Spalding, I really don't know anything about that. I'm hoping someone from his treatment center will be giving me a call at some point to discuss what they believe is best to help him.