zoso77

I'm going to voice an opinion that may be unpopular. You're free to disregard it if you wish.

I do not believe for a minute that God feels we should stay in situations where we are mentally and emotionally compromised. Yes, in a lot of cases vows are taken before God. But the implicit promise of those vows is neither party is going to do something that undercuts the functional viability of the marriage. Active alcoholism is something that undercuts the functional viability of the marriage. Feeding the addiction -- the act of drinking -- is placed before the marriage. So how is the other party supposed to respond when confronted with that?

God gave us Free Will. With that gift comes the burden of choice. Your AH has used that gift to self destruct. What is the other party supposed to do in the face of that?

Follow your own moral and ethical compass. Before you make any decisions, be aware that those decisions will always carry a price. If you can live with paying that price, then you'll be OK.

littlesister1

Religion is not the answer

ardy

Hi Kiddo when my husband #1 was at his worst and I looked for help.. turned to the Church and the Church said I was not being a good enough Wife.. crap crap crap.. when my Mom and I sat in Church on her 85th birthday the Church I had been raised in .. I said I will take communian with you. Mom said you have to talk to the Pastor first.. Funny I said Christ would not have turned you from his table to confus your sins and take of his body and blood .. if you had not talked to who before hand... walked up with my Mom and Cousins and Sunday School Mates.. have a note from my Mom the best gift I could have given her was to knee with her one more time ...
Church and Pastors Men making rules for Men and having to make sure Women follow them.. and the Hand Maiden in me stands tall holds the High Ground of Christ and spits on the floor .... poooo... with nobs on .. sorry all. feel very strongly about this.. my 1st husband hit to much.. and the Pastor did nothing... I looked in a mirror one day and said so kiddo the wedding vows were did it say you had to do this.. mmmmmmmm... sorry again all. but Tough on this isssue very much so.. Stand Tall IN Christ and his Mother.. for with out the Mothers no one would be here.. yep... and I am a Mom... and a Blue Star and a Hand Maiden of Christ....ardy..

firebolt

Yikes. I would ask Pastor about his credentials with regards to addiction and abuse within marriage counseling. Maybe Dear Husband could live with Pastor for a while?

Please tell me you won't go back to that "counselor."

Katchie

Another 2 cents...I found this helpful a while back when I was searching scripture on alcoholism -- 75 biblical references: 75 BIBLE REFERENCES ON DRINKING ALCOHOL

Then you also have Proverbs 23:9, "Speak not in the ears of a fool: For he despises the wisdom of your words." I love this explanation: "Stop and think for a moment on this verse; and lets look at each side of the gender. Throughout the bible it is taught that a woman must submit herself to a man, however if that man is a fool, then this verse releases her from that bondage. So those New Testament verses are nullified by this verse. "Speak not in the ears of a fool." You have to be mature and know the intent of God's word before anyone would ever tell a wise woman to submit herself to a fool. Where men's tradition says that the woman has to submit to this fool, God is telling her here not to even speak to that fool.

God is telling us that it is a sin for any wise person to speak to, act under the influence and attach themselves to a fool. So use a little common sense in putting yourself under any fool."

I hope this is helpful. I know how hard it is to know what to do if a pastor is saying such things, but just because he says it doesn't make it so -- he is not God and you don't have to answer to him. Hugs

ardy

yep you have a bunch of special Templar Maidens here and Knights.. keep them tight.. ardy..

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like you picked the wrong counselor.

shelton40

I am here in Wisconsin...no family. A few friends. Thought I had found a good support system at Church. Maybe my Pastor doesnt want to deal with us anymore. Or he thinks I am upity. Who knows!!!
After this fiasco...my AH said he was having a realky hard time. I asked him if he wanted to talk more about all of this. God whispered dont go there. Leave it alone. I went. More accusations and pressure to compromise. Blame Blame Blame! So today no contact. Tomorrow too. The next day. The next day.

redatlanta

Respectfully, this man sounds very, very old school like 1950.

I don't know if its that he doesn't want to deal with you or that he doesn't know how. That is a very standard generic response he gave to you that's kinda fire and brimstone.

Next time listen to God and don't go there.

BTW I am a Christian. I agree with Zoso. I also believe that when God speaks as adultery as being the only biblical cause of divorce that "adultery" is metaphorical - not necessarily meaning with another person. Alcoholism is an affair with booze.

zoso77

Well, I'm glad you've found us. You have us. Remember that.

God bless.

shelton40

My 12 year old son said" Its ok Mom. I will stand with you"
What a blessing my kids are.

queenapple

First thing my pastor said to me was the "God hates divorce" line. So did another pastor at the church where my RAH was going to an addiction group when he called me out of the blue. I told them both that they had no idea what the full situation was, they never would, and to leave me out of it.

My pastor hasn't brought the topic up again to me. And I would NEVER go to him for counseling. Kind of sad, actually.

DoubleDragons

God is love. Anything that does not feel like love, ie. shaming, guilt trips, control, etc. is not God. You have a direct line to God and as long as you unkink that connection and listen to your heart, you will be lead. He never leaves you or forsakes you. xo

firebolt

Double Dragons - I completely agree, John 4:8 is my favorite verse.

Refiner

Well, I guess even pastors can be douchebags. Also sounds like he could be getting an earful of nonsense about you separately from your AH.

Hangnbyathread

Been there done that. Wasn't a pastor but same thing. I walked into a counseling session as the bad guy before I even sat down.

Once I was allowed to offer the rest of the story, My XAGF flew into a rage and stormed out of the session. 2 days later she informed she didn't like that counselor.

Welcome to alcoholism.

ardy

always remember this ... in numbers there is protection Faith and Hope.. for alone there is only you.. prayers.. love this group of people very much.. for they are a beacon of light on this dark path.. ardy

ajarlson

From my experience, pastors/priests are not the objective ear that we need during times like this. Mine was counseling my XAH and me after the bum slept with the 16 year old babysitter then went down the tubes with alcohol, hit me and ended in rehab. I wouldn't take him back after rehab so for 9 months I was free and things were just starting to look up when my priest (who was still counseling us) told me I had to take him back. I was still emotionally fragile from everything that had happened and trusted him, so I took the XAH back. Biggest mistake of my life. He held it together for years after that, but I didn't love him, I didn't trust him, and I lived the next 15 years miserable until my kids grew up and I threw him out (he had started drinking again by then too). I figured out after the fact that the priest had other motives - I was his choir director, he was afraid of losing me, my XAH was an ordained sub-deacon - he had a vested interest in getting us back together. A counselor needs to be completely objective and not have a relationship with you outside of counseling, in my opinion the pastor/priest can be a support and a friend but not a counselor. Just my two cents, jaded though they may be.

shelton40

Thanks everyone. I have some thinking and praying to do about this. Hugs

Hawks

It's exactly on the money.

Expecting 100% honesty from people, anyone, is putting them on a pedestal that they simply are not capable of living up to Nor worthy of.

False expectation, false idolatry.

God is perfect, humans are not.

Your Pastor has laid out the truth.

The truth will set you free, but first it will peeve you off.

Which it obviously did.