confused66

Update: WOW thank you guys for all the advice. I never thought I could get so much support. I was really down yesterday so I decided to go snowboarding with my good friend today and feel alot better now. She has been begging me and telling me she wants to work things out. But something that concerns me is the fact that when I spoke to her about her slapping me, her response was that i should have slapped her back. I love her, I would never be able to hurt myself.

SOME BACKGROUND ON ME: I was raised by a mother that has Narcissiistic/Borderline Personality disorder. She is an amazing mother and loves me dearly and has done the best she could for me. But I have had a HELL of a childhood with her mood and all the other lovely things that come with this disorder. She doesnt seek treatment and I suspect this is the reason for my codependence. My father is an amazing man and was a sailor for years, so he essentially has had no role in my childhood until I was about 16. They have both done the best they could, but obviously I have some deep scars from my childhood. Neither my parents or me have any substance issues. In fact I have never seen either of them drink. I have done the typical experimenting with drugs in college but never on regular basis or more than once or twice for that matter. I do have episodes of depression regarding my upbringing, but years of therapy and hardwork took care of that. I do suffer however from Obsessive thought patterns which have caused problems in my relationships in the past, but they are generally regarding taking care of my partner and making sure they are doing well.

I am so appreciative of all your advice. I decided the best way to respond and provide more information would be to answers your quotes. I need as much advice and guidance as I can get right now so please leave anything that is on your mind. I will be grateful for it.

Some Background on her: She is an amazing girl and a professional. I have been in love with this girl since the moment I kissed her. Everyday has been better than the last when we are not dealing with her issues. She has supported me with my ambitions and talks about a family all the time. however she has depression and has been suffering for 7 years now. she says she saw a therapist for 2 years but it didnt help. She refuses any help and says that she will learn how to deal with things. However the burden of her sadness, which is almost everyday, especially if I cant see her falls all on me. She has a history of self harm and suicidal ideations. She has full on alcoholics on both sides of her family. Aunts, Uncles, grandparents and I suspect her own father. She can not control her drinking and additionally i have found out through her mother that she hides alcohol in her room "just like her father".



I literally have nightmares about this when she goes out with her friends who are raging alcoholics.

Thank you for taking the time to write that amazing response for me. Those are the words of my father, that this is the best of her I will ever see. I am under tremendous stress. I am a surgical resident, I work an incredible amount of hours under constant pressure and her situation makes me so nervous. It is constantly on my mind and takes away from my performance at work.
Regarding the violence, last time this happened we were at a public venue. She slapped me in front of my friends after an argument. I have never been so angry in my life and I was a bit drunk. As soon as I turned around I realized there was a cop behind us and he was giving me the dirtiest look. I have spend my entire life and hundreds of thousands of dollars to be here and live my dream. I can not afford to throw it away.


I am a surgical resident. I have studied and seen all these symptoms at work and during my rotations.Combining alcohol with Cymbalta, which is what she takes, causes severe liver and brain damage long term. I have told her many times and have anxiety about it all the time. But when I confront her she tells me I am crazy and controlling, which is partially true due to my codependence. I dont want to control her, but im afraid. I dont want the mother of my children to be hurt. I love this woman.
Also based on my assessment, She has all the signs of Borderline personality disorder but I can not diagnose her because I love her and also because my view of the situation is skewed. This woman is the love of my life, sometimes I sit in a corner and watch her cook or watch TV and it makes me feel like I am in heaven. I am falling to pieces thinking that I am losing her to this madness.

Thank you

zoso77

confused...

I suspect, based on how you've described her behavior, that your girlfriend may be Borderline. The moving way-too-fast, the idealization, followed by the devaluation...that raises a lot of red flags.

Borderline Personality Disorder, as you know, is a serious, serious mental illness.

When you convolve alcoholism with BPD, what you get is hell on earth.

I am so sorry you're going through this. But right now, confused, you need to use the analytical side of your brain. That's your trump card. That's the thing that can save you. Right now, the emotional side of your brain is leaking into the analytical side. I know from experience, as someone who is also highly educated, that when one side leaks into the other, it's not a good thing.

I have experience dealing with BPD. When you feel comfortable doing so, send me a PM.

Eauchiche

Dear Confused
In AlAnon, we learn to not give advice. I don't want to give you unwelcome advice, BUT, here it is:

You need to be single for a VERY long time, while going to therapy and AlAnon. Work on YOU, and find out why you are attracted to this type of partner.

Being a resident, you will have precious few hours to be lonely.

Please keep coming back, and good luck.

confused66

Thank you so much for your helpful advice. I know I have to be analytical at this time. For along time I put aside that type of thinking because I believed it would rob me of a life, because you cant always calculate everything. But I guess it is important to use it as a safety device. I will certainly message you

confused66

this is my plan. I want to be better at dealing with situations so I can be the best father I can be. I want my kids to never have to deal with the issues I did.

zoso77

Your brains are, at this moment, your greatest asset. They don't grow MDs on trees. You're a heavyweight, so start using that gift.

I'd be willing to bet the analytical side of your brain was, at the very least, raising mild objections at how quickly things between you and her progressed. I'd also be willing to bet you didn't fully pay attention to what that part of your brain was telling you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

This is not a criticism. It is an observation about what happens when we don't pay attention to things we should pay attention to. We get bit in the arse. And it happens all the time.

Look forward to hearing from you.

redatlanta

Maybe Borderline….certainly has some traits.

Hmmm. She seems to have more Bi-polar II traits to me.

Self medication. Get to the root of the problem mentally might be able to address the drinking issues.

I know you love her. I agree with Lexie one of you is heading to jail in the future if you continue status quo. I kindly suggest that you no longer drink around her. Not because it will help control her drinking (it will not) - but because you both have had violent interactions, and lack of judgment when you are both drinking. I think its clear she is not going to moderate.

confused66

Well I have tried for two years to get her to therapy with no success and she resents me for it. So i can no longer push her.

atalose

You mentioned her in the context of being the mother of your children.

Then you mention that you don't want your children to deal with what you did while growing up, sadly they will face far worse then you did with a mother who refuses any help for a progressive condition.

Doc, you know better then this and where it's headed. Try and agressively work on your own issues and listen to your dad!!!

jarp

Of course we can't diagnose over the Internet but my RAH has borderline and substance abuse. A LOT of your post resonated heavily for me. He was misdiagnosed as borderline II earlier on in his mental health 'career!

Go with your analytical plan if you don't want your kids to live the childhood you did....

FeelingGreat

Confused, I may be way off-beam here but I'll put this into the mix. You said that you're both in the same profession (surgical, medical) and that she's combining alcohol and medication, or skipping her medication. Do you have any reason to think she could be putting patients' lives in danger?

Jane11

Hi confused, welcome to SR but sorry for the situation you currently find yourself in.

You've gotten some good advice here, and whilst I don't want to advise you I thought I would just tell you a little of my experience with my axbf that I feel relate to some of the things you said.

Idealisation and moving very quickly- this happened with my x he literally worshipped me and idolised me straight off, wanted to be exclusive really soon, spoke about a future really soon, but then as the relationship progressed and he drank and even sometimes when he was sober he would turn all this idealisation against me. Everything that he proclaimed to love about me he told me he hated, or he told me that I wasn't any of the things that I actually quite liked about myself and thought he did too- this has done a serious number on my self esteem and general self questioning who I actually am, is he right? etc.
one minute he loved me, the next abusive and I was hated, then back to loving me again- hang on a minute I'm confused?!

Mirroring someone- I felt that he mirrored much of what I was like, what I wanted in life, my characteristics- which again he later used against me and made me question everything about myself and also him- was any of it real, am I a fraud, is he, was the relationship? Did I mirror him too? Again, I was left confused!

Spending all of your time together- he wanted to spend all his time with me and became very upset if I didn't want to do the same. To a point where he became jealous, controlling and manipulative to get me to only be around him, and eventually said and did things that can only be described as trying to cut me off from my friends and family so he could have me all to himself. Not saying this is where you are at with your partner, but are you ready if it progresses to this? Do you want to live your life like this? I got to a point where I didn't want to see or speak to anyone else because of the s*#t storm that would follow with him- no way for anyone to live their life.

Her denying help and saying nothing works for her depression and mental state- my x had tried everything and nothing worked to control his drinking- he wanted to control it himself- that's all very well but some things are beyond us to just control by ourselves.

You are going through a really rough time and I'm so sorry for that. I, like many others was and am in love with a person who right now doesn't love themselves which makes it very hard to love us back- and that's hard, really hard. I have had to step away from mine for the sake of my sanity and physical and mental health- do I want to reach out and help him- every day! But do I realise if I did this, it would be to the detriment of myself and I cannot continue to live my life like this- kind of yes, that's finally sinking in thanks to being here and taking some time off the crazy train.

Love is one thing, but sometimes love is not enough. And sometimes we have to love ourselves enough to step away from a person and situation. Maybe not forever, but for a time to gain some perspective and like others have said try and let our heads and not our hearts do the thinking.

Sending you strength and hoping you can find clarity

confused66

So here is an update:

She has been begging me for the past weeks. She comes to my house and cries for hours and it breaks my heart. I have been trying to stay so strong and continued to deny her request. She has tried to have sex with me, and I have to be honest, she is incredibly gorgous and good in bed so it has been ver hard for me to say no to her.

I truly love this woman and always envisioned a life with her, but if people show their best side while dating then what is there to come?

I dont know what to do. I want to give it another chance, but im afraid. What if she pretends to no longer act that way and once we get married she falls back into her ways since I will be committed to her? I spoke to her about the violence and her driving drunk and acting impulsively but she says it was the combination of the alcohol and me being rude, which I def was that drove her to such rage.

I am so in love with her and this hurts me so much. I am willing to put up with some stuff because of the love I have for her, but I am afraid of the day we will have children.

firebolt

I assure you she will fall back in to her old ways - sooner than later. She may genuinely believe that she is / will be all better. She is not / will not until she has a serious awakening. You coming back is not a serious awakening.

She is blaming you for her rage and driving drunk. There is no other way so say it. Unless you shoved her in the car, bound and gagged, put the car in gear, and sent her down the road with a cinder block on the accelerator, you did not make her drive drunk. This is a classic move designed to take the focus off of her addiction. You are easier for her to work on than her quitting drinking.

You should be - MYGOD look at what the children of alcoholics go through in childhood...as well as the likelihood that they will become alcoholics themselves.

I am so sorry - I know your pain well. As someone who "didn't want to give up" and that is still living with their A, and wasting their short life on someone else's potential, I hope you get some help now - meetings, counseling, all that. It will help to focus on you getting healthy. (((HUGS)))

DoubleDragons

Unfortunately, feelings of love (or lust sometimes) are never enough. The love that counts to make a marriage last and a safe, healthy environment for children is all based on action. Love is an action. I have been happily married to my college sweetheart for over 20 years. We own our individual issues and problems and work on these problems, we enjoy spending time together, but we have hobbies and interests that are separate and keep it interesting when we talk and share about them. We are raising four beautiful children and we agree on the fundamentals of child raising. We share the same faith and values. We have arguments, but they are rare, never fueled by alcohol and they are never overly dramatic. We were both raised in alcoholic, dysfunctional, personality disordered families of origin and vowed that our children would not have the same experience. The cycle ends with us. It isn't easy, but it is healthy, good and strong. For it to be that way, my husband and I have to constantly work as individuals to be healthy, good and strong. That takes a lot of motivation and self introspection. Typically, addicts and people with untreated personality disorders are highly unlikely to do much self introspection. Everything is always someone else's fault. Please, please tread carefully. There are many gorgeous, sexy, professional women who are healthy individuals and if you get yourself in your healthiest place, that is who you will attract. My best to you!!

hopeful4

I just want to say that having children with a BPD Alcoholic is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. My X is both, and it is hell on earth for them. I divorced him, however they don't have the option to divorce good ol dad at this age. And if you think the court system will help with that and you will just get full custody...HAHA.

Read and read some more about the people on here who are/were in toxic relationships. And yes, yours is toxic too. It's heartbreaking. Add children to the mix and it's almost unbearable the pain you see them suffer at the hands of the addict.

I hope you make the right choices.

DoubleDragons

Heed Hopeful's message. I frequent this Family and Friends section of SR because my qualifier is my mother, who is a personality disordered alcoholic. I am often envious of the others here who can leave and divorce their spouses and/or significant others. I haven't built up the courage to go no contact with my mother yet, because she is the only mother who I will ever have in my life.

ajarlson

I second and third Hopeful and DoubleDragons. My mother as well is narcissistic and an alcoholic and it did not turn out well for me. Unlike DoubleDragons I have no contact with my AM at all now and realizing you'll never have the mother you wanted and needed is a rude awakening, even as an adult.

confused66

Thank you for your words. This has been such a strange situation for me. I am a very calculated person, everyone of my actions are usually based on evidence and reality, but I can not seem to seperate the reality from what I want to see right now.

My biggest problem is my internal battle. I was not able to ever truly give my all to her because of the reservations I began to develop as our relationship moved forward. I keep thinking back and wondering maybe if I have opened up to her all the way maybe she would have acted differently and maybe we could have approached her problems as a team and solved them. what do you guys think?

Thank you for all of your help by the way. I do not have a support system and am falling apart under the weight of my residency and emotional pain. The pain is physical and I cant help but to cry multiple times a day.

DoubleDragons

Confused, you know the answer to your question. You just desperately want someone to tell you that yes it could work with this woman because right now you feel desperately in love/lust etc. with her. It sounds to me that your relationship with your mother was similar, so drama with a woman you care about feels "comfortable" to you. But as you can see, that drama will suck the very life out of you and any poor children whom you would bring into this picture. Wish the best for your ex, keep her in your prayers and work hard on yourself as an individual. That is the best outcome for all of you, in this scenario.