Pebbles2012

A little background... My AW and I had been through counseling for months and are still unhappy. She is a moody emotional type and everything and anything sets her off. Just your tone of voice or how you sound can set her off. She has said some incredibly nasty things to me when drunk or sober. Well, after months of her sneaking drinks, telling me how "judgmental" I am I finally moved out. I've been on my own for a few days and can already notice my anxiety levels are less. I told her I would email her a list boundaries that she needs to abide by. Here is where I need some advice. My counselor told me to run as fast away from her but unfortunately right now I can't totally do that. A counselor friend told me set strict boundaries and not be available to her all the time.

Can anyone help with this?? I'm horribly codependent and have been going to Al-anon recently which will help. I'm just not all that good at this stuff. :-(. TIA

LexieCat

Boundaries are for YOU, not something she needs to abide by. Boundaries are things like "I'm not going to talk to her when she's drunk." You enforce that boundary when she calls you drunk--"I will talk to you when you're sober, you can call back then." And hang up.

It sounds as if you are trying to make RULES for her, which never work. She has a right to live the way she wants to. Your boundaries protect you so you don't have to be affected by what she says/does.

dandylion

Pebbles....remember this part: Boundaries are to protect you. It is your job to enforce the boundaries. They are not "rules" that the other party has to go by.
They have the right to any reaction they choose to take (or "try" to take). their reaction is their problem. Your job is to enforce the boundary if they step over it.
Usually, there is a lot of unhappiness when you establish a boundary. The other party will usually try to sabotage it in any way they can. They will try to push any button that they can.

You have to do what you have to do...just don't be surprised if there is no co-operation from the other side....

dandylion

Pebbles2012

So do I tell her these boundaries? I guess I should have added that I have decided limited contact as well. I was thinking no talking for a month and communication is limited to email and text with zero discussion of her problems or our future??? I'm so incredibly lost with all of these things. It feels weird telling her because I'm so wrapped up in her reaction to everything. It's so tiring. Thanks for the explanation of boundaries though.

SparkleKitty

Whether you tell her or not is your choice -- but if you are really trying to limit contact, then that should inform your decision.

Boundaries are hard to wrap your head around at first, but try to hold on to the idea that they are a) there to protect your from situations and interactions that are hurtful to you, and b) they are entirely your responsibility to uphold. When you can let go of the idea that other people need to do or be a certain way for you to avoid being hurt, you empower yourself tremendously, and that will help clear your head. Good luck to you my friend.

dandylion

Pebbles...there is no absolute "template" of how to do this....except for maybe this principle: Do not state a boundary that you are unwilling or unable to enforce. Otherwise, they will learn that your words are hollow.

You can "tell"...or, not "tell". You can tell a l
ittle bit..just the bare bones...or tell a lot.
How about using your judgement about what is best?
You will need to start trusting your own rights..and your own judgements...and upholding your side of the street.
When others come to finally understand that you are strong enough in yourself and your convictions that yes means yes.....and no means no....you will see that you get m uch more respect.

dandylion

zoso77

Pebbles...

Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is: is this how I want to live my life going forward?

Florence

Personally, no. Especially not if you've already decided to limit contact. Something I told myself several times a day when I was going through this process was, "What other people think about me is none of my business."

Another thing that helped was reminding myself to do nothing in reaction to my XAH's machinations. How he decided to live when I wasn't hovering, controlling, making up rules and reacting to his every sneeze and fart was a great indicator of how he was going to live and think and be whether or not I was reacting to his every sneeze and fart. Doing nothing was my best offense.

LexieCat

Well, since you are considering the limited contact you are talking about, then you pretty much have to tell her or she'll never figure it out.

I'd just make it very neutral: "I've decided that for my own peace of mind that I need to limit contact with you for a while. I need a month with no phone calls. We can communicate by text or email, but I won't discuss the future of our relationship or any personal problems--yours or mine. If you can respect that, then maybe in a month I will feel OK about phone calls again. But if not, I'll have to reconsider whether we can continue to communicate at all."

Notice it's phrased in terms of what you need, and what you will do, not what she must do. She's free to try to dump her stuff on you, but if that happens, you can stop opening the emails and block the texts.

Make sense?

atalose

I personal y think that stating one’s boundaries to an active A can be antagonistic and a road paved for more drama.

If one of your boundaries is to not speak to her for a month, then don’t. If she calls you simply say I don’t wish you speak to you for a month and hang up and don’t answer her calls again. Show her by your actions that you are serious.

shil2587

I think I am a little confused? Have you left or is this a trial separation? If you've left why do you need bboundaries or contact at all? Sorry if that's obvious or you've explained on another thread.

Pebbles2012

We are doing a trial separation currently. My wife kept telling me to make a decision so I decided to move out. Now here we are...

dandylion

Pebbles...so, you were able to make a decision. GOOD!

Now, continue to make decisions based on what is best for YOUR OWN overall welfare (not based on what you want her reaction to be).

The world will start to feel different to you when you begin to feel yourself as a separate and distinct individual from her.
When one gets up in the morning and has to check, first, to see what the other person's mood is to determine how their day will go...that is a big sign that one is still in the shackles of co-dependence....

dandylion

Pebbles2012

Thanks dandylion. I've realized how much anger I have towards her right now. She has said things to me that I would never say to anyone and I'm not sure that I can get over that. Some of its my fault for putting up with it. I made plenty of attempts to tell her but she kept on doing it. She uses words as weapons.

biminiblue

Yes, well now you aren't going to have to listen to her.

It sounds like time away from each other is what is needed. Hold firm to your one month no contact thing and let go of what she does.

Eauchiche

Dear Pebbles
One thing about us codies, is we usually try to find rules to follow. The concept of US deciding what we can live with is hard for some of us. We often try to find someone else to tell us what to do.

You will decide what is right for you, and you are not on a schedule to do so.

The only advice I can offer, is you might encounter the occasional control freak in AlAnon who would LOVE to run your life for you.

Don't ignore red flags from your spouse or anyone else, and work your program. Keep coming back here for support.

One thing you can pat yourself on the back for, is you DID leave her. There are multitudes of people out there still stuck in bad relationships who lack the courage to do what you have already done.

meggem

Hi Pebbles,

Do you have children together? I'm just curious about why there has to be any contact or communication..at least for right now.

I'm wondering if you can just get some space for a few weeks or less..or more..

maia1234

just sending hugs ((((((pebbles)))))))))) As Eauchiche said, you can do what ever you set your mind to. Just follow through... one month means one month. Don't do something that you threaten and not follow through with.

Pebbles2012

Fortunately we don't have any kids. The comment above about us codies wanting someone else to tell us what to do is so true. I've been in counseling for nearly 4 yrs. My counselor recently told me that I needed to make a list of non negotiables that I want in a relationship. He also mentioned that I can come in there and complain about my wife's mood swings and her affection for drinking or I can tell her my non negotiables and see if she can even agree to them.

Pebbles2012

And before I could write the email she shows up at my apartment after she's been drinking and accuses me of cheating on her. Gets belligerent and leaves after I tell her to. So much for boundaries. She has been going to counseling but it's doubtful she has mentioned drinking. Of course the counselors are asking if I'm cheating without knowing the real story. My gut tells me to contact a lawyer tomorrow. Aside from my some light advice from a counselor friend I've been following my gut and unfortunately it's been right.