987g

I'm putty in his hands, he is in control and in the words of his own mother a bully. He is someone who is sweet and loving one week and the next he will not speak to you and gives the coldest of shoulders. He gets so angry at you but you have no idea what it's about. But whatever it is, it's your fault not his. You owe him! Ugh. I'm just getting that feeling again that yes, I did do something wrong. I am crazy, it is my fault, I do owe him! That's what I'm feeling right this second. I know it's just another play on my emotions, that if I talk to him and apologize then I'm playing right into him and he takes no responsibility. If I give I'm once again saying it's ok for him to treat me with disrespect. But he's so convincing that it's MY fault.

Thumper

I'm so glad you posted.

Remember. Feelings are not Facts!!! You know the truth of the matter in your head. Sometimes we have to let our brains do the work and follow the logic and wait for our feelings to catch up. This can make us feel incredibly uncomfortable and a little panicky even but, for me, I could not get to recovery by following my feelings. I needed to follow what my brain was telling me and the experiences I built doing that helped me to continue to move forward in my own best interests and my feelings caught up.

Also, change your self talk. "I am smart. I am reasonable. I know my truth. I can make mistakes. I can change my mind. I can say I don't know. I am valuable. I am strong. I will be OK. " Those are some of the things I'd repeat to myself. Think of some that are meaningful for you so you can replace the self defeating loops. I had all kinds of different ones for different occasions. For me it helped a lot. My ah didn't need to run me down - I did it all on my own. I had to change that.

987g

Yes panic would be the feeling I have right now. But I keep reminding myself that apologizing before never did me any good. It won't make things better. And it's not my fault that he is only nice to me sometimes. That is his choice. It is not my fault that he wishes a girl dead and then ends up dating her instead a few weeks later. It's not my fault that he's laid off. Like you said I'm trying to follow my brain, not my feelings but oh my are they so powerful.

Refiner

Why are you still fretting every moment over what he's doing, how he's feeling, how he makes you feel? I've read through your posts and it appears you aren't in a relationship with him, he's moved on, etc. etc. I don't get why you are punishing yourself and making yourself crazy. It's time to jump off his crazy train, isn't it?

987g

Uh yea maybe that's easier said then done when you live next door to a person your entire life and still do. When you have a better relationship with their family then your own. When one week they are in your life, the next they are out. You know the few details I choose to post, not my life. I posted looking for support. If you can't offer that then move along, please. "Jumping off the crazy train" isn't something that happens in a day.

dandylion

987...True enough, we only get parts of a persons entire experience, here...
With what you have written, so far, it sounds like you have some "trauma bonding" with him. This makes the break up even more confusing and painful.
You are grieving the l oss which is very natural and to be expected.

I would recommend that you seek support and help from those who are skilled in dealing with abusive situations. You can find the right help by calling your local dv organization and asking them for referrals.

You have nothing to lose by reaching out for help....

dandylion

987g

Hm I just Googled that term, never heard of traumatic bonding. Interesting...guess I have reading to do.

NYCDoglvr

Unless you tied him down and poured alcohol down his throat you have nothing to apologize for. It helps me to remember that feelings aren't facts: just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I've done anything wrong.

maia1234

G- I am sorry that you are still dealing with his anger. I use to always say I was sorry just to end the issue. I was so tired of fighting and never winnings, so just give him that and end the long speech.

It takes time to rebuild your self confidence and feel that you have respect for yourself. Once that finally starts setting in, the picture changes. You start questioning the stuff he throws at you and it doesn't effect you the way it "use" too.

Keep reading posts, try not to get defensive towards comments. Some times they can be rough, but we have taken a lot worse abuse from our x's. Sometimes those comments are really what motivates us to do things we normally would not do. We do all care and want the best for you!


(((((((((((hugs my friend)))))))))))))