Alcoholic Boyfriend - do I stay or leave?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
It's pretty obvious he doesn't want to go - he doesn't want help. He's being REALLY honest with you about that at least! Short of making a sign and dancing around with it - I think he's being brutally honest. At least he isn't trying to pacify you and lie and go for the wrong reasons. He's TELLING you - he doesn't want help.
You cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You may not like his choice, but at the end of the day, it's still his choice. Now you have a choice - is this what you want for your future?
You cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You may not like his choice, but at the end of the day, it's still his choice. Now you have a choice - is this what you want for your future?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Lots of great advice and info in all the posts.
To add mine to the thread here it is.
16 years Ago I had the most wonderful boyfriend too...kind loving so much fun to be with. We were both so in love....
Fast forward to now....16 years on I am married to the same not so wonderful husband.....we have three amazing children aged 14, 10 and 8.
We don't see that amazing man I met 16 years ago...we see a verbally abusive drunk who gets smashed every night 365 days a year, he is what we call a functioning alcoholic as in he works hard and pays the bills however the bottle is the main priority, every night after work it's down time for him and his affair with the bottle begins again.
He drinks because he is happy, he drinks because he is sad, he drinks because he has a good day, he drinks because he has a bad day....he drinks because it's Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or the weekend, the bottom line is he drinks full stop.
On top of this he also has depression which is majorly enhanced due to the drink.
He blames everyone else for his problems, takes no responsibility for his actions or behaviour while under the influence which naturally causes problems in our marriage and with our family life. He verbally rants and rages at me regularly about things that have nothing to do with me.
Thank goodness for Al anon and SR. It keeps me sane.
My advice to you said with much kindness is 'run like hell' my friend you have so much ahead of you. Don't get caught up in his mess and as others have said it will drag you in and suck the life out of you.
Take care all the best Phiz
To add mine to the thread here it is.
16 years Ago I had the most wonderful boyfriend too...kind loving so much fun to be with. We were both so in love....
Fast forward to now....16 years on I am married to the same not so wonderful husband.....we have three amazing children aged 14, 10 and 8.
We don't see that amazing man I met 16 years ago...we see a verbally abusive drunk who gets smashed every night 365 days a year, he is what we call a functioning alcoholic as in he works hard and pays the bills however the bottle is the main priority, every night after work it's down time for him and his affair with the bottle begins again.
He drinks because he is happy, he drinks because he is sad, he drinks because he has a good day, he drinks because he has a bad day....he drinks because it's Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or the weekend, the bottom line is he drinks full stop.
On top of this he also has depression which is majorly enhanced due to the drink.
He blames everyone else for his problems, takes no responsibility for his actions or behaviour while under the influence which naturally causes problems in our marriage and with our family life. He verbally rants and rages at me regularly about things that have nothing to do with me.
Thank goodness for Al anon and SR. It keeps me sane.
My advice to you said with much kindness is 'run like hell' my friend you have so much ahead of you. Don't get caught up in his mess and as others have said it will drag you in and suck the life out of you.
Take care all the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
he is an alcoholic. his only chance of a normal life and for a normal relationship with you is for him to stop drinking permanently. he will almost certainly need help to accomplish this. he is not proactively seeking help and not proactively quitting drinking so I only see one choice for you at this point: an abusive relationship with an abusive alcoholic that will continue to deteriorate or you leave him. thats a pretty easy decision in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by PHIZ007 
Lots of great advice and info in all the posts.
To add mine to the thread here it is.
16 years Ago I had the most wonderful boyfriend too...kind loving so much fun to be with. We were both so in love....
Fast forward to now....16 years on I am married to the same not so wonderful husband.....we have three amazing children aged 14, 10 and 8.
We don't see that amazing man I met 16 years ago...we see a verbally abusive drunk who gets smashed every night 365 days a year, he is what we call a functioning alcoholic as in he works hard and pays the bills however the bottle is the main priority, every night after work it's down time for him and his affair with the bottle begins again.
He drinks because he is happy, he drinks because he is sad, he drinks because he has a good day, he drinks because he has a bad day....he drinks because it's Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or the weekend, the bottom line is he drinks full stop.
On top of this he also has depression which is majorly enhanced due to the drink.
He blames everyone else for his problems, takes no responsibility for his actions or behaviour while under the influence which naturally causes problems in our marriage and with our family life. He verbally rants and rages at me regularly about things that have nothing to do with me.
Thank goodness for Al anon and SR. It keeps me sane.
My advice to you said with much kindness is 'run like hell' my friend you have so much ahead of you. Don't get caught up in his mess and as others have said it will drag you in and suck the life out of you.
Take care all the best Phiz
To add mine to the thread here it is.
16 years Ago I had the most wonderful boyfriend too...kind loving so much fun to be with. We were both so in love....
Fast forward to now....16 years on I am married to the same not so wonderful husband.....we have three amazing children aged 14, 10 and 8.
We don't see that amazing man I met 16 years ago...we see a verbally abusive drunk who gets smashed every night 365 days a year, he is what we call a functioning alcoholic as in he works hard and pays the bills however the bottle is the main priority, every night after work it's down time for him and his affair with the bottle begins again.
He drinks because he is happy, he drinks because he is sad, he drinks because he has a good day, he drinks because he has a bad day....he drinks because it's Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or the weekend, the bottom line is he drinks full stop.
On top of this he also has depression which is majorly enhanced due to the drink.
He blames everyone else for his problems, takes no responsibility for his actions or behaviour while under the influence which naturally causes problems in our marriage and with our family life. He verbally rants and rages at me regularly about things that have nothing to do with me.
Thank goodness for Al anon and SR. It keeps me sane.
My advice to you said with much kindness is 'run like hell' my friend you have so much ahead of you. Don't get caught up in his mess and as others have said it will drag you in and suck the life out of you.
Take care all the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by midflight
"I don't want to do it. I only said that so I could stop you from speaking. This isn't something I want to do. This is something that you want and it doesn't even work."
I explained that the services would not exist if they didn't help somehow and reiterated that if he wasn't willing to just try and seek professional help I would leave without question.
He very, very angrily and reluctantly booked an appointment. He hung up the phone and then messaged me with "It's done." SO an appointment with his local doctor is booked tomorrow and I will be attending.
My question is, how do I deal with his reluctance?
What kind of things do I say when he says "It doesn't work?"
Is it fair if I'm forcing him to go? Do I keep persisting that this needs to happen if he wants to keep me? Or am I still fighting a losing battle because of his reluctance?
How can I support him better if he does decide to get help? If he says he doesn't want to go do I keep forcing him to?
I have no idea what to do...
I explained that the services would not exist if they didn't help somehow and reiterated that if he wasn't willing to just try and seek professional help I would leave without question.
He very, very angrily and reluctantly booked an appointment. He hung up the phone and then messaged me with "It's done." SO an appointment with his local doctor is booked tomorrow and I will be attending.
My question is, how do I deal with his reluctance?
What kind of things do I say when he says "It doesn't work?"
Is it fair if I'm forcing him to go? Do I keep persisting that this needs to happen if he wants to keep me? Or am I still fighting a losing battle because of his reluctance?
How can I support him better if he does decide to get help? If he says he doesn't want to go do I keep forcing him to?
I have no idea what to do...
How to deal with reluctance: Recognize that he is not in a place where he wants to do anything about this. Its very hard to accept. Accept it. Give him the dignity to live his life.
If he decided to get help the best thing you can do is to go to Al Anon or therapy to work on your co-dependency and enabling issues. Walk on your side of the street and let him walk on his.
If he doesn't want to go stop TRYING to force him. To reiterate you do not have the power to force him to do anything. Can you force someone to lose weight, or stop smoking, or exercise, or quit a bad job, or leave a bad relationship, or sell their house, or get a college degree? NO. When it comes to matters of love we lose perspective of what we should or are able to accomplish based on logic when emotion is not logical. Your thinking is that love will conquer all - the person who said that should be hanged.
Ultimatums are poor ways to navigate a problem in a relationship. Boundaries are the way to go. Rather than state "if you don't stop, get help, go to the doctor yada yada yada.......I will leave you", the proper way to deal with an A is to declare "I will not live, date, or associate with an active alcoholic. YOU do what you want". This takes the burden of controlling him out of the picture. It also allows accountability for the alcoholic to occur what you are doing now is removing accountability by controlling him and threatening him. He won't see this as a loss due to his alcoholism rather that YOU are trying to live his life for him, and its not computing.
I get how you feel, we all do. I came here as many did asking for someone to tell me how to make my Alcoholic Relapsing husband stop drinking. I really recommend you go to AL Anon and also spend more time on here educating yourself about addiction. When I came here at 45 years old my idea of alcoholism, and the realities of alcoholism were not the same. I thought if my husband ever relapsed he would come to me and say "I've been drinking again", and we would rush over to AA together where he would pick up a white chip and they would be it. Sh!t on me it did not happen that way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
One word..... RUN!!
I wish I listened to my friends and family 3 months into my relationship with my alcoholic ex-fiance. It may have hurt back then, but not nearly as much as it did after 2 years, living together, cancelling a wedding and feeling like my heart was literally torn from my chest. Not saying that it won't hurt after 3 months, it will I'm sure, but it'll be much easier to get over at this point.
Please run.... it'll get worse. I promise it will.
I wish I listened to my friends and family 3 months into my relationship with my alcoholic ex-fiance. It may have hurt back then, but not nearly as much as it did after 2 years, living together, cancelling a wedding and feeling like my heart was literally torn from my chest. Not saying that it won't hurt after 3 months, it will I'm sure, but it'll be much easier to get over at this point.
Please run.... it'll get worse. I promise it will.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I, too, hope you might try Al-Anon and understand your codependency issues and lack of self-esteem... or why else would you pursue such an unhealthy relationship for yourself? Choose YOU, not the alcoholic abuser.
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
He has told you he doesn't want help. He's shown you who he really is - a verbally abusive, chaotic, bed wetting drunk.
He has done you the service of being honest. I doubt many of us here could say the same about our A's. Most would go along with your orders then passive aggressively resist and/or outright lie about their drinking.
Here's what I said to my AXH when I hit my bottom.
"Despite all the times I've pointed out the ways your drinking has hurt you, me, our household, finances and marriage, in spite of the local police telling you your behaviour towards me is unacceptable, you choose to continue drinking.
If you want to choose a lifestyle of being permanently drunk, that is your right. That's who you've chosen to be and I have no right to stand in your way.
However, I also have the right to live my life my way and to feel safe and comfortable in my own home. I have come to the point where I can no longer tolerate your lifestyle so the only option is for us to split up".
Four years later, I am feeling much better and more like my old, pre-A self. I have much more work still ahead of me. The damage from this type of relationship takes a long time to heal.
Useful questions that you could be asking yourself are not "How do I deal with him/his drinking/his verbal abuse/his bed wetting/ his reluctance to seek help".
Far more useful questions might be:
"Why am I so determined to manipulate this relationship into what I want instead of looking for someone more compatible?"
"Why do I consider an abusive person to be wonderful, loving and everything I am looking for?"
"Why am I so determined to stay in this relationship when several people who have life experience with As are advising against it?"
"Why am I so invested in this relationship after such a short time?"
My advice - run like hell and look for therapy for yourself. I wish I had.
He has done you the service of being honest. I doubt many of us here could say the same about our A's. Most would go along with your orders then passive aggressively resist and/or outright lie about their drinking.
Here's what I said to my AXH when I hit my bottom.
"Despite all the times I've pointed out the ways your drinking has hurt you, me, our household, finances and marriage, in spite of the local police telling you your behaviour towards me is unacceptable, you choose to continue drinking.
If you want to choose a lifestyle of being permanently drunk, that is your right. That's who you've chosen to be and I have no right to stand in your way.
However, I also have the right to live my life my way and to feel safe and comfortable in my own home. I have come to the point where I can no longer tolerate your lifestyle so the only option is for us to split up".
Four years later, I am feeling much better and more like my old, pre-A self. I have much more work still ahead of me. The damage from this type of relationship takes a long time to heal.
Useful questions that you could be asking yourself are not "How do I deal with him/his drinking/his verbal abuse/his bed wetting/ his reluctance to seek help".
Far more useful questions might be:
"Why am I so determined to manipulate this relationship into what I want instead of looking for someone more compatible?"
"Why do I consider an abusive person to be wonderful, loving and everything I am looking for?"
"Why am I so determined to stay in this relationship when several people who have life experience with As are advising against it?"
"Why am I so invested in this relationship after such a short time?"
My advice - run like hell and look for therapy for yourself. I wish I had.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Wow. That seems like a 180 from your original post.
There aren't many people that are quite as clear and honest about not wanting to change as he was.
I was reading the stickies today and this one seemed to relate to the position you find yourself in now. If you haven't read through them - there are tons of other good stickies up there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-destroy.html
There aren't many people that are quite as clear and honest about not wanting to change as he was.
I was reading the stickies today and this one seemed to relate to the position you find yourself in now. If you haven't read through them - there are tons of other good stickies up there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-destroy.html
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
So............
Hi and welcome to S.R.
you've known him for 3 months.................
by what you have described of his actions he has more problems than alcoholism, he is also an abuser.
So my question is Is this how you want to live?
Are there any Alanon meetings near you?
The longer you stay your self-esteem will be eaten alive.............
Hi and welcome to S.R.
you've known him for 3 months.................
by what you have described of his actions he has more problems than alcoholism, he is also an abuser.
So my question is Is this how you want to live?
Are there any Alanon meetings near you?
The longer you stay your self-esteem will be eaten alive.............
Originally Posted by midflight
I am new to this forum and decided to join up as I desperately need support on how to deal with my alcoholic boyfriend. I have never been exposed to anyone with alcohol problem in my life so I am absolutely struggling on how to deal with this. I have asked a couple of my close friends but no one has had enough experience to know how to handle the situation. Please help me.
This is a new relationship and I have been officially dating him for almost 3 months now. He has been the most wonderful and loving partner and is what I am looking for in a man, but his alcohol abuse is our biggest problem and I am struggling on deciding whether I should stay or go.
In our first month of dating, the first time I experienced his out of control behaviour was when he was out drinking all day with his friends. I met him at night and he was incoherent, could not walk straight and was hurling statements of abuse at bystanders as I tried to walk him home. I was horrified. He passed out almost immediately when I got him home...to which he also wet the bed.
After this episode, I had told him that it was not acceptable for him to do this. I saw the shame in his face, he expressed complete remorse and told me that he wanted to change and be better...but since then, the same kind of thing has happened several times, including him wetting the bed each time he passes out after a big night.
One of the worst times it happened he verbally abused me in front of all of his friends telling me to "Shut the **** up", calling me a "****" consistently whenever I was sitting next to him, nudging me with his elbows whenever I walked past, spitting at my feet and telling me that I looked "******* ugly."
He never really remembers what he has said the next day and always attacks me with abuse and makes me feel like I'm over-reacting, only to calm down later and express his deepest apologies.
After that incident I told him I would not continue to date him unless he promised to seek out professional help. He refused at first...then told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to have a future with me. He said he would do anything to keep our relationship alive, even if that meant seeking out professional help. He still has not done this yet.
Last week he got drunk and called me up, accused me of wanting to **** one of my friends and started calling me "********" and "**** face." When I told him to stop he said to me "You deserve to be called a ******** and a ********". I know there's no reasoning with him when he's drunk anyway...
I have had plenty of discussions with him telling him that he does not change his ways, I will leave him. He always reassures me and tells me how much the relationship means to him and how much he wants to change. I put my faith in this and I can see he does make the effort to be conscious of what he's doing. The past few times there were drinks involved, he made sure he was drinking water and was asking me (in a nice way), "Am I being okay? I don't want to hurt you. I'm not being too wild am I?" And he was absolutely fine...but last night, he told me he would come and see me after he'd hung out with his mates. He intentionally left his bag at my place so he would have to come back and stay with me...he promised me before he left that he wouldn't get drunk (he didn't have money to get drunk anyway) and he would take care of himself...but of course, I spoke to him an hour before he was due to see me and he was wasted. He passed the phone to his friend he was hanging out with, his friend apologized and said that it was partly his fault as he hadn't seen my boyfriend in a long time and wanted to catch up with him, but I told his friend that I wasn't against them catching up, it's just the fact that my boyfriend can't handle himself when there is alcohol involved. He came to my place but I didn't let him upstairs because I knew he would wet the bed and be too much for me to handle. He didn't say anything overtly abusive, but he was incredibly incoherent and consistently denied that he was drunk. After I didn't let him in, his friend drove him home. I woke up this morning to 2 missed calls at 7AM and a text saying how sorry he was that he knew he was supposed to meet me but he ****** up and how he is still really in love with me...I have just heard him say sorry so many times without seeing enough significant action that I just don't know what to do.
I also want to reiterate that currently, he lives with a flatmate who is at the pub EVERY DAY and plays a MASSIVE influence on his life outside of work. My boyfriend is very social and does not like to say no when his flatmate asks him to join him at the pub. His flatmate drinks excessively and their group of friends drinks excessively. Every weekend involves drinking and every one else can handle their alcohol except for my boyfriend. What adds to this is that my boyfriend has had open heart surgery and has a mechanical valve. He is on blood thinning medication and isn't really supposed to be drinking...so when he drinks it hits him really hard.
We have been talking about moving in together and I feel that if we did, it would bring him away from the pattern of being around people who drink excessively and may possibly help him? But obviously I would be putting myself at risk if I do this because if he doesn't change, I would be stuck.
He is the most beautiful person I have ever met, but the drinking is destroying our relationship.
Every time I have had the discussion that I will not tolerate his behaviour, he always reassures me that he wants to be better, that he is in love with me. He says that he thinks I'm his last opportunity to fix himself because he has never loved anyone as much as me and wants us to work. He is aware that he has a problem and says that he wants to fix himself. I see the shame in his eyes and he does make an effort for a little while but the same thing seems to keep happening.
...Do I stay or do I go? I am absolutely in love with him and he is so wonderful when he doesn't get absolutely plastered. I'm torn on what to do. I can see that he does want to change and I am a firm believer that people deserve a chance...but I just don't know how to handle this situation. He is incoherent and has been verbally abusive when he is drunk. I cannot communicate with him at all or rationalize with him at all when he's in that state. He passes out, wets the bed and fails to remember most of what happened the next day.
What do I do? He is a man with a wonderful heart, but he just changes when he drinks too much. Do I walk away from something that could be potentially lovely if he helps himself? Or do I stay and give him a chance to book himself into therapy to see how that goes? I have never been in this situation ever before. Someone please help me...
This is a new relationship and I have been officially dating him for almost 3 months now. He has been the most wonderful and loving partner and is what I am looking for in a man, but his alcohol abuse is our biggest problem and I am struggling on deciding whether I should stay or go.
In our first month of dating, the first time I experienced his out of control behaviour was when he was out drinking all day with his friends. I met him at night and he was incoherent, could not walk straight and was hurling statements of abuse at bystanders as I tried to walk him home. I was horrified. He passed out almost immediately when I got him home...to which he also wet the bed.
After this episode, I had told him that it was not acceptable for him to do this. I saw the shame in his face, he expressed complete remorse and told me that he wanted to change and be better...but since then, the same kind of thing has happened several times, including him wetting the bed each time he passes out after a big night.
One of the worst times it happened he verbally abused me in front of all of his friends telling me to "Shut the **** up", calling me a "****" consistently whenever I was sitting next to him, nudging me with his elbows whenever I walked past, spitting at my feet and telling me that I looked "******* ugly."
He never really remembers what he has said the next day and always attacks me with abuse and makes me feel like I'm over-reacting, only to calm down later and express his deepest apologies.
After that incident I told him I would not continue to date him unless he promised to seek out professional help. He refused at first...then told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to have a future with me. He said he would do anything to keep our relationship alive, even if that meant seeking out professional help. He still has not done this yet.
Last week he got drunk and called me up, accused me of wanting to **** one of my friends and started calling me "********" and "**** face." When I told him to stop he said to me "You deserve to be called a ******** and a ********". I know there's no reasoning with him when he's drunk anyway...
I have had plenty of discussions with him telling him that he does not change his ways, I will leave him. He always reassures me and tells me how much the relationship means to him and how much he wants to change. I put my faith in this and I can see he does make the effort to be conscious of what he's doing. The past few times there were drinks involved, he made sure he was drinking water and was asking me (in a nice way), "Am I being okay? I don't want to hurt you. I'm not being too wild am I?" And he was absolutely fine...but last night, he told me he would come and see me after he'd hung out with his mates. He intentionally left his bag at my place so he would have to come back and stay with me...he promised me before he left that he wouldn't get drunk (he didn't have money to get drunk anyway) and he would take care of himself...but of course, I spoke to him an hour before he was due to see me and he was wasted. He passed the phone to his friend he was hanging out with, his friend apologized and said that it was partly his fault as he hadn't seen my boyfriend in a long time and wanted to catch up with him, but I told his friend that I wasn't against them catching up, it's just the fact that my boyfriend can't handle himself when there is alcohol involved. He came to my place but I didn't let him upstairs because I knew he would wet the bed and be too much for me to handle. He didn't say anything overtly abusive, but he was incredibly incoherent and consistently denied that he was drunk. After I didn't let him in, his friend drove him home. I woke up this morning to 2 missed calls at 7AM and a text saying how sorry he was that he knew he was supposed to meet me but he ****** up and how he is still really in love with me...I have just heard him say sorry so many times without seeing enough significant action that I just don't know what to do.
I also want to reiterate that currently, he lives with a flatmate who is at the pub EVERY DAY and plays a MASSIVE influence on his life outside of work. My boyfriend is very social and does not like to say no when his flatmate asks him to join him at the pub. His flatmate drinks excessively and their group of friends drinks excessively. Every weekend involves drinking and every one else can handle their alcohol except for my boyfriend. What adds to this is that my boyfriend has had open heart surgery and has a mechanical valve. He is on blood thinning medication and isn't really supposed to be drinking...so when he drinks it hits him really hard.
We have been talking about moving in together and I feel that if we did, it would bring him away from the pattern of being around people who drink excessively and may possibly help him? But obviously I would be putting myself at risk if I do this because if he doesn't change, I would be stuck.
He is the most beautiful person I have ever met, but the drinking is destroying our relationship.
Every time I have had the discussion that I will not tolerate his behaviour, he always reassures me that he wants to be better, that he is in love with me. He says that he thinks I'm his last opportunity to fix himself because he has never loved anyone as much as me and wants us to work. He is aware that he has a problem and says that he wants to fix himself. I see the shame in his eyes and he does make an effort for a little while but the same thing seems to keep happening.
...Do I stay or do I go? I am absolutely in love with him and he is so wonderful when he doesn't get absolutely plastered. I'm torn on what to do. I can see that he does want to change and I am a firm believer that people deserve a chance...but I just don't know how to handle this situation. He is incoherent and has been verbally abusive when he is drunk. I cannot communicate with him at all or rationalize with him at all when he's in that state. He passes out, wets the bed and fails to remember most of what happened the next day.
What do I do? He is a man with a wonderful heart, but he just changes when he drinks too much. Do I walk away from something that could be potentially lovely if he helps himself? Or do I stay and give him a chance to book himself into therapy to see how that goes? I have never been in this situation ever before. Someone please help me...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I have been following another thread that is a bit similar.
I hate to pull rank but as someone who is turning 50 this year everything becomes clearer looking backwards.
It makes me sad when I see young women (men) who are willing to sell themselves short and hang onto dysfunction when the world is so much bigger. It is really hard to see it when you are in it. I strongly believe that those early years should be about friends, career, travel….pushing your world out while you are still unencumbered by the responsibilities that stack up as you get older.
Relationships obviously have glitches along the way, but to head into the wind knowing you are taking on nothing but baggage from the outset….you are signing on for misery.
He is not a white knight who just needs a dusting off. He is a really unhealthy person with some very concerning abuse issues. There is nothing valiant about making him your project. And even if he called you today and told you he was going inpatient he would still have years of work to do to get back to baseline.
That is not a bet worth taking. What is most likely to occur if you stay with him is years of craziness in which you lose your perspective and yourself. I know members can testify to the fact that the relationship becomes a claustrophobic island….and slowly pieces of who you are fade away because you are so focused on him.
3 months should be the honeymoon period. It should be lazy breakfasts, finding new restaurants, going away for weekend adventures. It should not be verbal abuse, bed wetting, absolute insanity.
There is a part of you that knows this. Listen to it, let go or be dragged. He is not a catch, sorry, but that is the truth. He has a much responsibility to own his life as you have to own yours. Maybe there will come a day when you are a mother and your job really is to help and guide and love and nurture, but that is a different relationship than you have with a person who is supposed to be your equal.
I honestly don't believe you will ever look back and think he was the one who got away. I think you will be grateful that you got out with your sanity intact…I believe people like that are put in our path so that we learn to defend ourselves. I hope you see him as a lesson well learned…the world is so much bigger, I promise you.
I hate to pull rank but as someone who is turning 50 this year everything becomes clearer looking backwards.
It makes me sad when I see young women (men) who are willing to sell themselves short and hang onto dysfunction when the world is so much bigger. It is really hard to see it when you are in it. I strongly believe that those early years should be about friends, career, travel….pushing your world out while you are still unencumbered by the responsibilities that stack up as you get older.
Relationships obviously have glitches along the way, but to head into the wind knowing you are taking on nothing but baggage from the outset….you are signing on for misery.
He is not a white knight who just needs a dusting off. He is a really unhealthy person with some very concerning abuse issues. There is nothing valiant about making him your project. And even if he called you today and told you he was going inpatient he would still have years of work to do to get back to baseline.
That is not a bet worth taking. What is most likely to occur if you stay with him is years of craziness in which you lose your perspective and yourself. I know members can testify to the fact that the relationship becomes a claustrophobic island….and slowly pieces of who you are fade away because you are so focused on him.
3 months should be the honeymoon period. It should be lazy breakfasts, finding new restaurants, going away for weekend adventures. It should not be verbal abuse, bed wetting, absolute insanity.
There is a part of you that knows this. Listen to it, let go or be dragged. He is not a catch, sorry, but that is the truth. He has a much responsibility to own his life as you have to own yours. Maybe there will come a day when you are a mother and your job really is to help and guide and love and nurture, but that is a different relationship than you have with a person who is supposed to be your equal.
I honestly don't believe you will ever look back and think he was the one who got away. I think you will be grateful that you got out with your sanity intact…I believe people like that are put in our path so that we learn to defend ourselves. I hope you see him as a lesson well learned…the world is so much bigger, I promise you.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by jaynie04
3 months should be the honeymoon period. It should be lazy breakfasts, finding new restaurants, going away for weekend adventures.
Midflight - This is the very best of who he is! We are all on our super best behavior the first three months of a relationship. You haven't even seen a bad hair day yet. Move on. Boyfriends are not fixer uppers. Hold out for the move in ready model
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Are there any Alanon meetings you can go to?
He's making it pretty clear that he isn"t interested in getting help.
He's making it pretty clear that he isn"t interested in getting help.
Originally Posted by midflight
Thank you for all your messages everyone. Every piece of information and advice counts and is helping me feel stronger whilst I am going through this. I haven't yet had time to read the rest of the posts because I work full time and have a busy schedule outside of work, but as soon as I get a chance I will definitely be doing more reading around this site. Thank you everyone again.
UPDATE:
Last night, I told him that if he didn't get therapy I would leave him immediately. At first he said "Well I guess this is over because I refuse to see anyone." ...but after a few minutes silence he asked me how much it was and proceeded to look up a helpline. He didn't call it, but I told him the first step was to at least book an appointment with his doctor (and I made it clear I would HAVE to go with him). He said he would make an appointment today.
Since then, which was just last night, here are the objections he has raised since I have mentioned it:
- "I've been to counselling before & it didn't do anything. It doesn't work."
- "I refuse to talk to some stranger about my problems. I think it's stupid."
- "I went to one AA meeting and found it useless."
- "I don't want to do this. You are forcing me to do something I don't want to do."
He has tried several times to tell me that he is going to "help himself" and I told him that I have heard him say this to me before and IF he could REALLY help himself, then the issue would have only happened once. The fact that he keeps ruining himself with alcohol shows he has no self control and I told him that his actions are what is speaking.
Today I reminded him to book the doctors appointment so we could go tomorrow. He said, "I don't want to do it. I only said that so I could stop you from speaking. This isn't something I want to do. This is something that you want and it doesn't even work."
I explained that the services would not exist if they didn't help somehow and reiterated that if he wasn't willing to just try and seek professional help I would leave without question.
He very, very angrily and reluctantly booked an appointment. He hung up the phone and then messaged me with "It's done." SO an appointment with his local doctor is booked tomorrow and I will be attending.
My question is, how do I deal with his reluctance?
What kind of things do I say when he says "It doesn't work?"
Is it fair if I'm forcing him to go? Do I keep persisting that this needs to happen if he wants to keep me? Or am I still fighting a losing battle because of his reluctance?
How can I support him better if he does decide to get help? If he says he doesn't want to go do I keep forcing him to?
I have no idea what to do...
UPDATE:
Last night, I told him that if he didn't get therapy I would leave him immediately. At first he said "Well I guess this is over because I refuse to see anyone." ...but after a few minutes silence he asked me how much it was and proceeded to look up a helpline. He didn't call it, but I told him the first step was to at least book an appointment with his doctor (and I made it clear I would HAVE to go with him). He said he would make an appointment today.
Since then, which was just last night, here are the objections he has raised since I have mentioned it:
- "I've been to counselling before & it didn't do anything. It doesn't work."
- "I refuse to talk to some stranger about my problems. I think it's stupid."
- "I went to one AA meeting and found it useless."
- "I don't want to do this. You are forcing me to do something I don't want to do."
He has tried several times to tell me that he is going to "help himself" and I told him that I have heard him say this to me before and IF he could REALLY help himself, then the issue would have only happened once. The fact that he keeps ruining himself with alcohol shows he has no self control and I told him that his actions are what is speaking.
Today I reminded him to book the doctors appointment so we could go tomorrow. He said, "I don't want to do it. I only said that so I could stop you from speaking. This isn't something I want to do. This is something that you want and it doesn't even work."
I explained that the services would not exist if they didn't help somehow and reiterated that if he wasn't willing to just try and seek professional help I would leave without question.
He very, very angrily and reluctantly booked an appointment. He hung up the phone and then messaged me with "It's done." SO an appointment with his local doctor is booked tomorrow and I will be attending.
My question is, how do I deal with his reluctance?
What kind of things do I say when he says "It doesn't work?"
Is it fair if I'm forcing him to go? Do I keep persisting that this needs to happen if he wants to keep me? Or am I still fighting a losing battle because of his reluctance?
How can I support him better if he does decide to get help? If he says he doesn't want to go do I keep forcing him to?
I have no idea what to do...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I was in a relationship for 12 years (never married) with an alcoholic and compulsive gambler. I wish I would have walked away at 3 months...it was a lot of heartache, stress, and anxiety...and I can never have those years back. My self esteem was so low, I thought I wasn't good enough for a better relationship..blah, blah...after having two kids with that man (being a father didn't magically change him) and realizing I couldn't live like that any more I broke it off for good with him. When he moved out I was SO relieved! It was just me and my two boys...no drama...no fighting...no bed wetting...peaceful. It was hard..to make that big decision, but once I finally did I knew it was the right thing to do...hope you a good day and hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If you can’t accept this person exactly how he is today then you have no business being in a relationship with him.
You are 12 weeks into dating this person and have discovered you don’t like some things about him……well then it’s time to leave this relationship. That’s what dating is all about.
If you are so head over heels in love after only 12 weeks then it’s your issues that you need to address with a therapist.
Trying to change someone else into what you hope and want them to be, what you think they can be is not love….it’s control….and it never works.
He is telling you exactly who he is and quitting drinking is not at the top of his list……..listen to him and then believe him!!!
You are 12 weeks into dating this person and have discovered you don’t like some things about him……well then it’s time to leave this relationship. That’s what dating is all about.
If you are so head over heels in love after only 12 weeks then it’s your issues that you need to address with a therapist.
Trying to change someone else into what you hope and want them to be, what you think they can be is not love….it’s control….and it never works.
He is telling you exactly who he is and quitting drinking is not at the top of his list……..listen to him and then believe him!!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
midflight...
Late chiming into this. You wrote:
But then:
This is not the behavior of a loving, caring person. The good news, if you care to think of it this way, is he's given you a lot of insight as to what makes him tick in the 3 months you've been with him. In my view, his behavior is unacceptable, but you already know this because you otherwise wouldn't be here.
So I'll leave you with this: you do not need permission to do what is in your best interests. Nor do you need permission to protect yourself from a man who is verbally abusing you. Follow your gut. And then act accordingly.
Please be safe and keep us posted.
Late chiming into this. You wrote:
He has been the most wonderful and loving partner and is what I am looking for in a man
One of the worst times it happened he verbally abused me in front of all of his friends telling me to "Shut the **** up", calling me a "****" consistently whenever I was sitting next to him, nudging me with his elbows whenever I walked past, spitting at my feet and telling me that I looked "******* ugly."
Last week he got drunk and called me up, accused me of wanting to **** one of my friends and started calling me "********" and "**** face." When I told him to stop he said to me "You deserve to be called a ******** and a ********". I know there's no reasoning with him when he's drunk anyway...
So I'll leave you with this: you do not need permission to do what is in your best interests. Nor do you need permission to protect yourself from a man who is verbally abusing you. Follow your gut. And then act accordingly.
Please be safe and keep us posted.
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