Alcoholic Boyfriend - do I stay or leave?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
You are seeing red flags in 3 months that took me 14 years to see.
Some of us stay in relationships that are troubled because we do not want to be alone.
I have ended up being alone after 14 years while I was still with my mate. He retreated further and further into an alcoholic shell. I saw fewer episodes of the sweet man I loved, and an angry reclusive man emerged. He never wet the bed.
Believe me, the pain you will feel after just 3 months, should you leave, will pale in comparison to 14 years!!!
Some of us stay in relationships that are troubled because we do not want to be alone.
I have ended up being alone after 14 years while I was still with my mate. He retreated further and further into an alcoholic shell. I saw fewer episodes of the sweet man I loved, and an angry reclusive man emerged. He never wet the bed.
Believe me, the pain you will feel after just 3 months, should you leave, will pale in comparison to 14 years!!!
Last edited by Eauchiche; 02-03-2015 at 02:46 PM. Reason: spelling error
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think it's a good rule of thumb that if you find yourself on an internet forum asking absolute strangers if you should stay or go, then you should GO. compound that with a roughly 12 week relationship attempt and i would definitely say MOVE ON.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: West Sacramento, CA
Posts: 5
I haven't posted in quite awhile because, silly me, thought things had gotten better with my AH who supposedly is in recovery; boy am I naïve - Midflight-all I can tell you from what I've experienced - run, run as fast as you can. I've been married 4 years to someone that I knew was an alcoholic when I said my vows . . wonderful codependent me thought I could fix him . . wrong . . I've put him in jail 3 times . . for abuse . . and he still doesn't get it . . he quit drinking for about 6 months but has now fallen off the wagon . . and is meaner angrier than ever . . I am terrible at following through with boundaries and I wish I could turn the clock back, listen to my mother who had him pegged from the get go . . and just walk away . . I'm afraid one of 2 things is going to happen - he's going to go to jail forever for killing me (which he threatens daily) or I'm going to go to jail forever for killing him in his sleep . . and what scares me is I'm thinking about it . . I keep picturing Farah Fawcett in The Burning Bed for any of you TV watchers . . unfortunately he's sucked up our savings and financially I can't just up and leave . . plus I'm primary caregiver to my 90 year old mother that lives with us . . talk about complications on getting out . . oh plus I have 4 pets that I will NOT leave behind with the monster . . don't let yourself get in this situation . . you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you . . please walk away and save yourself . .
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sophie,
Please call the DV hotline or your local shelter and talk to an advocate. You need safety planning, and you need a strategy to leave safely. There are ways that can be accomplished. There are resources to help you, including taking care of your mom, and there are even places that will take your pets temporarily while you get things straightened out. If he is making threats to kill you, those must be taken VERY seriously. The "Burning Bed" scenario (where the victim kills the abuser) is not a good solution for obvious reasons.
I'm a professional in the DV field for many years, and California has some good laws and policies to help victims of domestic violence. If he has a history of abusing you, it should be relatively simple to get an order protecting you.
The bottom line is you MUST take some action to protect yourself. Please call and talk to someone about what resources are available to you and how you can stay safe.
Please call the DV hotline or your local shelter and talk to an advocate. You need safety planning, and you need a strategy to leave safely. There are ways that can be accomplished. There are resources to help you, including taking care of your mom, and there are even places that will take your pets temporarily while you get things straightened out. If he is making threats to kill you, those must be taken VERY seriously. The "Burning Bed" scenario (where the victim kills the abuser) is not a good solution for obvious reasons.
I'm a professional in the DV field for many years, and California has some good laws and policies to help victims of domestic violence. If he has a history of abusing you, it should be relatively simple to get an order protecting you.
The bottom line is you MUST take some action to protect yourself. Please call and talk to someone about what resources are available to you and how you can stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 62
mindflight - he's sent a pretty clear message. He doesn't want help. Trying to micromanage him getting help isn't going to change that. I just got out of a relationship with a man who sounds very similar. I ended it after 6 months (and some very similar conversations, followed by him attending ONE AA meeting and getting sober for about 30 days...he then got drunk, belligerent and called me a stupid bitch, which was finally my breaking point). Ending it was scary, I was worried for my personal safety at times. In the end, though, getting out has been the best thing ever. My life is so much better and so much happier now.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Midflight, I just want to say welcome to SR and I'm glad you found your way here. I know how it feels to love an alcoholic and not want to give up on him. I also know how my self esteem suffered from all the verbal abuse I endured being with him. Please, keep reading here, read all you can about codependency and alcoholism and take care of you. Let him do what he is going to do and set boundaries before you are in this for 10 years still hoping get things will change and your self esteem keeps plummeting. Please know your worth. You can love your A from a distance. He has to want to stop drinking for himself and not just to get you off his back. That could be a long time. Don't let him drag you down with him.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Originally Posted by Tentindependent 
The damage from this type of relationship takes a long time to heal.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Sophie12
I haven't posted in quite awhile because, silly me, thought things had gotten better with my AH who supposedly is in recovery; boy am I naïve - Midflight-all I can tell you from what I've experienced - run, run as fast as you can. I've been married 4 years to someone that I knew was an alcoholic when I said my vows . . wonderful codependent me thought I could fix him . . wrong . . I've put him in jail 3 times . . for abuse . . and he still doesn't get it . . he quit drinking for about 6 months but has now fallen off the wagon . . and is meaner angrier than ever . . I am terrible at following through with boundaries and I wish I could turn the clock back, listen to my mother who had him pegged from the get go . . and just walk away . . I'm afraid one of 2 things is going to happen - he's going to go to jail forever for killing me (which he threatens daily) or I'm going to go to jail forever for killing him in his sleep . . and what scares me is I'm thinking about it . . I keep picturing Farah Fawcett in The Burning Bed for any of you TV watchers . . unfortunately he's sucked up our savings and financially I can't just up and leave . . plus I'm primary caregiver to my 90 year old mother that lives with us . . talk about complications on getting out . . oh plus I have 4 pets that I will NOT leave behind with the monster . . don't let yourself get in this situation . . you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you . . please walk away and save yourself . .
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
I just read this entire thread this morning for the first time and feel really sad and disturbed by it. Not only because it's a terrible situation for YOU to be in, but because I recognize my own desire to fix and help my addict husband and his own lack of true willingness to get help -- he's just doing it because he doesn't want to lose me.
As you read more about addiction and/or go to Al Anon meetings or even open AA meetings where you can hear directly from alcoholics, you'll hear people talk about the addict having to hit "rock bottom" before they get help. Something gets so bad that eventually they can't stand it anymore and they go running for help so they can get sober.
That's what it was like for me when I came running to SR and to Al Anon. I was panicked and freaked out about what to do in my life when I realized my husband had a serious addiction problem. There was a sense of desperation. Many stories I've heard from alcoholics who got into recovery and have stayed sober experienced an element of desperation before they sought help, too.
Your BF doesn't show any signs of desperation to get well -- he only shows signs of treating you VERY poorly, disrespecting you, and wanting to drink a lot. And even if he goes into a therapist's office or a treatment program at your prodding, that doesn't mean anything. You can lead a horse to water, but then...??
I'm in a similar situation to you, but I'm already 2.5 years into being married. It's been super, super emotionally hard. So much trust has been broken. So much pain has been brought up in me. I have lost myself in this relationship and I'm trying to find myself again. Mostly I look at my husband and I don't even like him. I don't feel the love anymore. I fluctuate between angry, numb, ambivalent -- and then totally codependent and wanting to curl up next to him and treat him like a little baby to make him feel better.
When we got married, and before that, I was one of the happiest people I knew. It was like that for a few years for me. Everything was going right in my life. I'd finally found myself and was loving being alive.
Being married to an addict and living with one has sucked all the life out of me. I'm not kidding.
Our spiritual advisor encouraged us to stay together for now and to get him some help. So he's doing that. But honestly, I am not super hopeful about it. I don't think he really wants it. We'll see. But I am taking care of me, and I'm preparing my boundaries.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation -- I get how confusing and painful it is. But I can't even tell you how much wisdom and insight and experience is in this thread. It's one of the best I've read on SR. And I've read a lot of them. Please read it once, twice, or more so you can really absorb the reality of your situation and possibly prevent yourself from years of suffering if you continue being in that relationship. I'm taking it all in for myself right along side you. You're not alone.
As you read more about addiction and/or go to Al Anon meetings or even open AA meetings where you can hear directly from alcoholics, you'll hear people talk about the addict having to hit "rock bottom" before they get help. Something gets so bad that eventually they can't stand it anymore and they go running for help so they can get sober.
That's what it was like for me when I came running to SR and to Al Anon. I was panicked and freaked out about what to do in my life when I realized my husband had a serious addiction problem. There was a sense of desperation. Many stories I've heard from alcoholics who got into recovery and have stayed sober experienced an element of desperation before they sought help, too.
Your BF doesn't show any signs of desperation to get well -- he only shows signs of treating you VERY poorly, disrespecting you, and wanting to drink a lot. And even if he goes into a therapist's office or a treatment program at your prodding, that doesn't mean anything. You can lead a horse to water, but then...??
I'm in a similar situation to you, but I'm already 2.5 years into being married. It's been super, super emotionally hard. So much trust has been broken. So much pain has been brought up in me. I have lost myself in this relationship and I'm trying to find myself again. Mostly I look at my husband and I don't even like him. I don't feel the love anymore. I fluctuate between angry, numb, ambivalent -- and then totally codependent and wanting to curl up next to him and treat him like a little baby to make him feel better.
When we got married, and before that, I was one of the happiest people I knew. It was like that for a few years for me. Everything was going right in my life. I'd finally found myself and was loving being alive.
Being married to an addict and living with one has sucked all the life out of me. I'm not kidding.
Our spiritual advisor encouraged us to stay together for now and to get him some help. So he's doing that. But honestly, I am not super hopeful about it. I don't think he really wants it. We'll see. But I am taking care of me, and I'm preparing my boundaries.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation -- I get how confusing and painful it is. But I can't even tell you how much wisdom and insight and experience is in this thread. It's one of the best I've read on SR. And I've read a lot of them. Please read it once, twice, or more so you can really absorb the reality of your situation and possibly prevent yourself from years of suffering if you continue being in that relationship. I'm taking it all in for myself right along side you. You're not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Sydney
Posts: 4
There have been many valid points and some posts really struck a chord with me. I am grateful for every bit of feedback everyone has provided.
I understand that people are asking me to leave him & acknowledge that it is only for my own good that people say this, I was close to doing so but I felt there was some progress so I have decided to stay for now (see update in relation to progress). I know this is only the beginning if I chose to stay and understand that it is a disease that is progressive as everyone has said. I just believe that he should be given a chance and it's probably been something that has said by many people in my situation before, but I feel strong enough that if I saw one more episode from him I would leave him. Please note also, obviously I have only spoken of only his negative points in relation to his alcoholism. If I felt that all his positives were disqualified, I would have left. I have stayed because I do see the light in him and outside of anything alcohol related, he is absolutely wonderful to me...& I know that doesn't make any of the abusive language he hurled at me right, but I just wanted to remind people that I wouldn't be staying if every single aspect of him was awful. There have been many happy times between us.
Update:
Following my last post, I reiterated to him that I did not want to be the one driving him towards help constantly. I knew that doing this was wrong, as you all have said, it wouldn't be him wanting to help himself, it would just be me forcing him into it when he doesn't want help.
He told me that he was going to the doctors for me and because he knew he had to help himself. I could see his resistance right up until the minute we walked into the doctors surgery. I had told him the day before, that I wouldn't be saying a word once we got into the room. That from this point forward it would be up to him to help himself & if we got into the doctors room and he lied or played down the issue more than what it was, I would be leaving immediately.
I was anxious right up until we walked into the room...as I didn't know what to expect...but when we got in, he was very open, genuine and honest. He told the doctor, that he was in there because he has a problem with alcohol, that he becomes abusive, aggressive, drinks until passing out and wets himself. He said to the doctor that he had, had many relationships before and had lost women over this problem...but this time he found someone that he really wants to keep which is why he was there.
I did not say a word but just cried with sadness and relief that he was honest. The doctor gave it to him straight and told him all the medical repercussions and also reiterated how it was affecting his life with me. She gave him a referral to a counselor who is close by who she recommended.
He came out with a smile on his face and said that he felt really proud that he had gone even though he resisted right up to the end. He said that seeing the doctor and hearing her say these things solidified the truths even more so for him because she is a medical professional & he holds her in high regard as she pretty much saved his life. She detected something something in his system which indicated that he needed open heart surgery...if this wasn't detected he would have died in 6 months.
I was anxious that he wouldn't call the counselor and again I would be forcing him to help himself, but he did the next day. She just hasn't gotten back to him yet.
He has shown significant self control - he came to meet me after a late night show and he was at the pub beforehand. In the past there have been a few times when he has been at the pub he has often let me down and called me up to cancel and say that he was too drunk to make it...but this time he was there on time and came to meet me and take me home. We had a late night feed and he explained very coherently how his night went with his self control. He told me that after having a few beers, he stopped himself, realizing that he was at the point of the night where usually he would be buying himself more drinks and on his way to getting wasted, or accepting drinks from his friends when he had known he'd had enough...but he didn't because he wanted to make the change and knew he wanted to do better. He said, "I think it's time I grow up...& yes you are a big influence on why I need to do it, but mostly I need to do this for myself too."
He is very, very aware of the problem and more than coherent when it comes to explaining it when he is sober. He know's what to do and how to go about it, I can just see how difficult it is for him when he is faced with actually doing it because he has been stuck in this pattern for a while. I know it would have taken him a lot of self control to resist drinking more when he came to meet me, so I congratulated him and told him how proud I was that he met me that night.
I have put my foot down and told him that I will not handle another episode from him, that it is up to him now and I'm not going to be there nagging him. I will be there to support him if I need it but I will not be trying to steer him into help, he needs to do it himself. I have also told him that if I have to be subject to his drunk behavior again, I will be leaving without any discussion. There will be no reasoning or I'm sorry, just me walking out.
There have been two occasions where he has drank in front of me since the appointment and he has been fine...but I can just see in his eyes that with one more drink he may just tip himself over the edge. I said to him, "You don't need another drink." -- he shows resistance to what I say...but he stopped & didn't drink anymore. I understand it must be hard and frustrating when I'm there telling him not to do so as he's been stuck in the pattern for so long...I told him both times I was proud of him when he didn't drink any further.
I am feeling more positive about everything, but I have also taken into account what people have been saying about how easy it is for alcoholics to relapse and about what I may be getting myself into by staying in this relationship...he hasn't started his counselling yet but I'm hoping once he does it will help drastically...
I understand that people are asking me to leave him & acknowledge that it is only for my own good that people say this, I was close to doing so but I felt there was some progress so I have decided to stay for now (see update in relation to progress). I know this is only the beginning if I chose to stay and understand that it is a disease that is progressive as everyone has said. I just believe that he should be given a chance and it's probably been something that has said by many people in my situation before, but I feel strong enough that if I saw one more episode from him I would leave him. Please note also, obviously I have only spoken of only his negative points in relation to his alcoholism. If I felt that all his positives were disqualified, I would have left. I have stayed because I do see the light in him and outside of anything alcohol related, he is absolutely wonderful to me...& I know that doesn't make any of the abusive language he hurled at me right, but I just wanted to remind people that I wouldn't be staying if every single aspect of him was awful. There have been many happy times between us.
Update:
Following my last post, I reiterated to him that I did not want to be the one driving him towards help constantly. I knew that doing this was wrong, as you all have said, it wouldn't be him wanting to help himself, it would just be me forcing him into it when he doesn't want help.
He told me that he was going to the doctors for me and because he knew he had to help himself. I could see his resistance right up until the minute we walked into the doctors surgery. I had told him the day before, that I wouldn't be saying a word once we got into the room. That from this point forward it would be up to him to help himself & if we got into the doctors room and he lied or played down the issue more than what it was, I would be leaving immediately.
I was anxious right up until we walked into the room...as I didn't know what to expect...but when we got in, he was very open, genuine and honest. He told the doctor, that he was in there because he has a problem with alcohol, that he becomes abusive, aggressive, drinks until passing out and wets himself. He said to the doctor that he had, had many relationships before and had lost women over this problem...but this time he found someone that he really wants to keep which is why he was there.
I did not say a word but just cried with sadness and relief that he was honest. The doctor gave it to him straight and told him all the medical repercussions and also reiterated how it was affecting his life with me. She gave him a referral to a counselor who is close by who she recommended.
He came out with a smile on his face and said that he felt really proud that he had gone even though he resisted right up to the end. He said that seeing the doctor and hearing her say these things solidified the truths even more so for him because she is a medical professional & he holds her in high regard as she pretty much saved his life. She detected something something in his system which indicated that he needed open heart surgery...if this wasn't detected he would have died in 6 months.
I was anxious that he wouldn't call the counselor and again I would be forcing him to help himself, but he did the next day. She just hasn't gotten back to him yet.
He has shown significant self control - he came to meet me after a late night show and he was at the pub beforehand. In the past there have been a few times when he has been at the pub he has often let me down and called me up to cancel and say that he was too drunk to make it...but this time he was there on time and came to meet me and take me home. We had a late night feed and he explained very coherently how his night went with his self control. He told me that after having a few beers, he stopped himself, realizing that he was at the point of the night where usually he would be buying himself more drinks and on his way to getting wasted, or accepting drinks from his friends when he had known he'd had enough...but he didn't because he wanted to make the change and knew he wanted to do better. He said, "I think it's time I grow up...& yes you are a big influence on why I need to do it, but mostly I need to do this for myself too."
He is very, very aware of the problem and more than coherent when it comes to explaining it when he is sober. He know's what to do and how to go about it, I can just see how difficult it is for him when he is faced with actually doing it because he has been stuck in this pattern for a while. I know it would have taken him a lot of self control to resist drinking more when he came to meet me, so I congratulated him and told him how proud I was that he met me that night.
I have put my foot down and told him that I will not handle another episode from him, that it is up to him now and I'm not going to be there nagging him. I will be there to support him if I need it but I will not be trying to steer him into help, he needs to do it himself. I have also told him that if I have to be subject to his drunk behavior again, I will be leaving without any discussion. There will be no reasoning or I'm sorry, just me walking out.
There have been two occasions where he has drank in front of me since the appointment and he has been fine...but I can just see in his eyes that with one more drink he may just tip himself over the edge. I said to him, "You don't need another drink." -- he shows resistance to what I say...but he stopped & didn't drink anymore. I understand it must be hard and frustrating when I'm there telling him not to do so as he's been stuck in the pattern for so long...I told him both times I was proud of him when he didn't drink any further.
I am feeling more positive about everything, but I have also taken into account what people have been saying about how easy it is for alcoholics to relapse and about what I may be getting myself into by staying in this relationship...he hasn't started his counselling yet but I'm hoping once he does it will help drastically...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 3
My advice--even though we're not supposed to give it: run as fast as you can, and go to Al Anon religiously so you don't fall for another alcoholic.
Your BF's verbal abuse is very concerning. I was involved with an abusive alcoholic for years, and I'm finally seeing that he had two separate issues. He was an abuser AND an alcoholic. I don't believe that abusers who get sober stop abusing, but maybe someone else has a different experience with that situation. Anyway, the recovery rate for alcoholics isn't great but the recovery rate for abusers is REALLY low.
I am so glad you found this website, and are seeking help. I believe alcoholism is a disease, but it also feels like a powerful demon that tries to engulf everyone in its path. To me, the fact my AXBF was doing the drinking and I wasn't, became almost irrelevant. The disease swallowed me up as well. For me to break free of it, it took help, support, education, and a belief in a higher power.
Your BF's verbal abuse is very concerning. I was involved with an abusive alcoholic for years, and I'm finally seeing that he had two separate issues. He was an abuser AND an alcoholic. I don't believe that abusers who get sober stop abusing, but maybe someone else has a different experience with that situation. Anyway, the recovery rate for alcoholics isn't great but the recovery rate for abusers is REALLY low.
I am so glad you found this website, and are seeking help. I believe alcoholism is a disease, but it also feels like a powerful demon that tries to engulf everyone in its path. To me, the fact my AXBF was doing the drinking and I wasn't, became almost irrelevant. The disease swallowed me up as well. For me to break free of it, it took help, support, education, and a belief in a higher power.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Tryingtogetreal you took the words right out of my mouth... I couldn't have said it any better... I went through the exact same thing.. Hell on earth.. I am still trying to get my head around it... Years on I am still so damaged and broken... Still shocked... It feels surreal.., it's taking me a very very long time to rebuild my life piece by piece.. I feel like I've been hit by hurricane Katrina on an emotional level, a physical level and a spiritual level. ... I am utterly broken and exhausted by what I have been through, thank you for your take on the situation it's helped me feel better to know I wasn't imagining the full force of my EXA's issues - abuse and alcoholism
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi midflight, I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation and just wanted to add some things from my experience where I saw similarities in our stories. I wouldn't want to tell you what to do as that is solely up to you alone, as his destiny is up to him, but maybe something I say will resonate with you.
I too had never had experience with an alcoholic, I too saw some disgraceful behaviour in the first 3 months of being with my axbf- alcohol and abuse, I too also saw some amazing behaviour that I clung too, I too saw the loving man shine through that I wanted to be the only version of him I saw- but as much as I wanted that it didn't happen. I went to doctors appointments, hospital appointments, visited a dry house, an alcohol councillor- some because I pushed and some more by his choice, but when I look back I think maybe only to appease me when s#*t had hit the fan.
I told him if he didn't stop I would not be in a relationship with him, but each time I backed down- I felt sorry for his struggle, he told me he wanted to be a better person, wanted to be sober- but like yours he poo pooed EVERYTHING that was an option for help. He had tried it all and it didn't help. Didn't want to talk to a councillor because he knew the issues himself he didn't need to sit and tell someone, AA made him feel more like drinking because the people there were depressive, he didn't want to go to a dry house with a bunch of losers, he didn't want meds as he had done this before and it made him a robot- culminating in he wouldn't go to rehab as it had a strict no contact with the outside world rule for a set time period and this would make him worse.
He told me he could 'deal with it' in his own way, he just needed to not drink, change his thought process etc. and yes this worked on and off but all I saw was a dry drunk and each time something would happen and he would drink again.
In the 6 months I was physically around him it was drama after drama- he and his problem utterly consumed my life. I became obsessed with it, and obsessed with him in an extremely unhealthy way and I am now suffering for that.
Like yours mine would turn up at my flat drunk, refuse to leave, police would be involved. He even got a DUI after he drove over drunk to see me. He was verbally abusive when drunk, then sometimes when sober. He became physically abusive- but each time I went back because he would tell me that he would get help, it would be different etc etc.
I went to live at his mothers house and whilst he remained sober when I was there for a period he was still abusive and aggressive, I also got to a point where it felt like I couldn't live my life because if I wasn't around him he might drink, and he was very controlling, manipulative, jealous. I spent all my time even when he was sober worrying about when the next 'episode' would happen.
After a nasty exchange at his mothers house I walked away for good- but I have spent the last 6 months up until very recently, being in contact with him. In that time he has still been verbally abusive, he has still refused to get any proper help telling me that he can do it on his own, and I have still let his drama consume my life.
I haven't heard from him in probably a week after I told him I couldn't continue like this, and it hurts like hell- he told me like yours told the doctor that I was the one worth changing for, he had lost too much- but clearly those were just words.
Mine was very intelligent, very aware of the issues and could speak about it in a very coherent manner- but to me I started to think that was all a fraud, yes great he knew all the issues and was aware of it but knowing something is different to doing something about it. He so often told me how people in the past would commend him on how knowledgable and honest he was about the issues- great, wasn't helping him stay sober though was it. He would go through physical agony when withdrawing, not to mention psychological agony of paranoia- but this wasn't enough to stop him repeating the cycle.
Anyway I've rambled on enough but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's great he has now done a 360 and seems so self aware- but the action, prolonged action, behind this is a very different ball game. Easy to say what you want to hear and look like he's doing something, also easy for him to feel really positive after one successful meeting- mine often did, but this soon dwindled with the reality of what a long hard road recovery was.
I don't want to put a huge downer on you or your situation- that is that last thing I want to do. I guess I just wanted to draw some similarities I saw, and look at it realistically.
I would also say it's great that you sat and ate and talked the other night- but he had come from the pub? If he felt so great about an appointment should it not be a case that he now tries to stay away from the pub and anything alcohol related, and rather than moderate his intake work on a correct procedure to cut it out all together (I know cold turkey can be dangerous but this is where medical advice can be given). If he is an alcoholic moderating won't work- and to try and make you feel proud of him for that is like when my ex used to say well this time I didn't get smashed on vodka just beer- it came to a point where I was just banging my head against a brick wall.
Please keep us posted, I truly hope this works for you, but please keep reading and learning and be realistic. Alcoholics can be very manipulative and good with words in order to protect their addiction and pull the wool over your eyes if they feel they are being backed into a corner.
Mine had plenty of chances to show me that he wanted a better life, that I was the one worth doing it for, but ultimately he needs to do it for himself and if he can't commit to that then yes it's a very very hard pill to swallow, but rather let it go now than live on the rollercoaster forever.
Good luck and please keep posting x
I too had never had experience with an alcoholic, I too saw some disgraceful behaviour in the first 3 months of being with my axbf- alcohol and abuse, I too also saw some amazing behaviour that I clung too, I too saw the loving man shine through that I wanted to be the only version of him I saw- but as much as I wanted that it didn't happen. I went to doctors appointments, hospital appointments, visited a dry house, an alcohol councillor- some because I pushed and some more by his choice, but when I look back I think maybe only to appease me when s#*t had hit the fan.
I told him if he didn't stop I would not be in a relationship with him, but each time I backed down- I felt sorry for his struggle, he told me he wanted to be a better person, wanted to be sober- but like yours he poo pooed EVERYTHING that was an option for help. He had tried it all and it didn't help. Didn't want to talk to a councillor because he knew the issues himself he didn't need to sit and tell someone, AA made him feel more like drinking because the people there were depressive, he didn't want to go to a dry house with a bunch of losers, he didn't want meds as he had done this before and it made him a robot- culminating in he wouldn't go to rehab as it had a strict no contact with the outside world rule for a set time period and this would make him worse.
He told me he could 'deal with it' in his own way, he just needed to not drink, change his thought process etc. and yes this worked on and off but all I saw was a dry drunk and each time something would happen and he would drink again.
In the 6 months I was physically around him it was drama after drama- he and his problem utterly consumed my life. I became obsessed with it, and obsessed with him in an extremely unhealthy way and I am now suffering for that.
Like yours mine would turn up at my flat drunk, refuse to leave, police would be involved. He even got a DUI after he drove over drunk to see me. He was verbally abusive when drunk, then sometimes when sober. He became physically abusive- but each time I went back because he would tell me that he would get help, it would be different etc etc.
I went to live at his mothers house and whilst he remained sober when I was there for a period he was still abusive and aggressive, I also got to a point where it felt like I couldn't live my life because if I wasn't around him he might drink, and he was very controlling, manipulative, jealous. I spent all my time even when he was sober worrying about when the next 'episode' would happen.
After a nasty exchange at his mothers house I walked away for good- but I have spent the last 6 months up until very recently, being in contact with him. In that time he has still been verbally abusive, he has still refused to get any proper help telling me that he can do it on his own, and I have still let his drama consume my life.
I haven't heard from him in probably a week after I told him I couldn't continue like this, and it hurts like hell- he told me like yours told the doctor that I was the one worth changing for, he had lost too much- but clearly those were just words.
Mine was very intelligent, very aware of the issues and could speak about it in a very coherent manner- but to me I started to think that was all a fraud, yes great he knew all the issues and was aware of it but knowing something is different to doing something about it. He so often told me how people in the past would commend him on how knowledgable and honest he was about the issues- great, wasn't helping him stay sober though was it. He would go through physical agony when withdrawing, not to mention psychological agony of paranoia- but this wasn't enough to stop him repeating the cycle.
Anyway I've rambled on enough but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's great he has now done a 360 and seems so self aware- but the action, prolonged action, behind this is a very different ball game. Easy to say what you want to hear and look like he's doing something, also easy for him to feel really positive after one successful meeting- mine often did, but this soon dwindled with the reality of what a long hard road recovery was.
I don't want to put a huge downer on you or your situation- that is that last thing I want to do. I guess I just wanted to draw some similarities I saw, and look at it realistically.
I would also say it's great that you sat and ate and talked the other night- but he had come from the pub? If he felt so great about an appointment should it not be a case that he now tries to stay away from the pub and anything alcohol related, and rather than moderate his intake work on a correct procedure to cut it out all together (I know cold turkey can be dangerous but this is where medical advice can be given). If he is an alcoholic moderating won't work- and to try and make you feel proud of him for that is like when my ex used to say well this time I didn't get smashed on vodka just beer- it came to a point where I was just banging my head against a brick wall.
Please keep us posted, I truly hope this works for you, but please keep reading and learning and be realistic. Alcoholics can be very manipulative and good with words in order to protect their addiction and pull the wool over your eyes if they feel they are being backed into a corner.
Mine had plenty of chances to show me that he wanted a better life, that I was the one worth doing it for, but ultimately he needs to do it for himself and if he can't commit to that then yes it's a very very hard pill to swallow, but rather let it go now than live on the rollercoaster forever.
Good luck and please keep posting x
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midflight, thanks for the update. Here is my concern….he is still drinking. Which means nothing has changed I am sorry to say.
I am a recovering alcoholic, my mother is a recovering alcoholic, I have been around this my whole life. Read the newcomer's forum here….I think you owe it to yourself to see the reality of what you are involved with.
At this point in time the only known way to arrest alcoholism is to stop drinking, permanently. The chasm between attempting to moderate or change our drinking pattern to try to keep ourselves out of trouble and digging our heels in and knowing we can't ever drink again is huge.
The stats on who gets better aren't great. I know you care for you boyfriend and I hesitate to even write this because human nature usually directs us to sift for information that supports whatever direction we want to take. It is called confirmation bias. The exact same process happens with alcoholics who continue to try to drink after they have acknowledged they have a problem, they will amplify the times they drink "normally" and forget about the times they drink like they want to. In your last post you wrote glowingly about your boyfriend reining it in on two occasions, discounting the frightening episodes that you have endured….I would say that this mind shift should alarm you.
As an alcoholic I can tell you that drinking with guidelines would leave me feeling like a caged tiger. I might submit to it because I had started to see consequences but the urge would be building and there would come a time when I would capitulate and let myself drink like I wanted to. Alcoholism is the disease of more. Imagine someone who only wants more, and that first drink lowers my inhibitions…bam, recipe for disaster. There is a thread here called the "intermittent chicken"..I hope someone can find it. The psychology behind what keeps you hooked is disturbing.
The "cure" at this point in modern medicine is abstinence, not drinking, at all. For me that meant changing my life as alcohol had become what I used when I was happy or sad or angry or depressed or exhilarated. I am concerned that you are being appeased with scraps and like Jane11 indicated above, this interim negotiation is exactly what sucks an innocent partner in.
No alcoholic is all bad, even an abusive one. That is what makes it so brutally difficult. It might start out where you see the good guy often, but gradually he will disappear. And then you are left believing that you just need to do xy or z to access that same wonderful guy again. (just like we alcoholics keep believing that if we drink this way or after this time or change our drink of choice we can access the way we used to drink).
The honesty you will find here in the F&F forum reveals that kind people have spent lives contouring themselves around an alcoholic trying to find the exact ingredients to make everything better. I would really urge you to stand firm behind your commitment to leave when he blows it again. Don't move the goalposts, the minute you do that is the minute you are stepping into the vast, horrid world of hinging your happiness on unstable crazy making.
It is evident you aren't ready to leave yet. I hope you stick close by here and I hope you honor yourself by being true to the line you have drawn.
My old therapist used to tell me to look very closely when I was overly grateful for something. Having a boyfriend show up when he says he would, still able to converse adequately shouldn't fill you with gratitude, those basics should be a given. I would urge you not to settle for scraps. I sense from the buoyancy in your post you are already gauging your happiness on his drinking patterns, just be aware that this is a very precarious place to be.
I am a recovering alcoholic, my mother is a recovering alcoholic, I have been around this my whole life. Read the newcomer's forum here….I think you owe it to yourself to see the reality of what you are involved with.
At this point in time the only known way to arrest alcoholism is to stop drinking, permanently. The chasm between attempting to moderate or change our drinking pattern to try to keep ourselves out of trouble and digging our heels in and knowing we can't ever drink again is huge.
The stats on who gets better aren't great. I know you care for you boyfriend and I hesitate to even write this because human nature usually directs us to sift for information that supports whatever direction we want to take. It is called confirmation bias. The exact same process happens with alcoholics who continue to try to drink after they have acknowledged they have a problem, they will amplify the times they drink "normally" and forget about the times they drink like they want to. In your last post you wrote glowingly about your boyfriend reining it in on two occasions, discounting the frightening episodes that you have endured….I would say that this mind shift should alarm you.
As an alcoholic I can tell you that drinking with guidelines would leave me feeling like a caged tiger. I might submit to it because I had started to see consequences but the urge would be building and there would come a time when I would capitulate and let myself drink like I wanted to. Alcoholism is the disease of more. Imagine someone who only wants more, and that first drink lowers my inhibitions…bam, recipe for disaster. There is a thread here called the "intermittent chicken"..I hope someone can find it. The psychology behind what keeps you hooked is disturbing.
The "cure" at this point in modern medicine is abstinence, not drinking, at all. For me that meant changing my life as alcohol had become what I used when I was happy or sad or angry or depressed or exhilarated. I am concerned that you are being appeased with scraps and like Jane11 indicated above, this interim negotiation is exactly what sucks an innocent partner in.
No alcoholic is all bad, even an abusive one. That is what makes it so brutally difficult. It might start out where you see the good guy often, but gradually he will disappear. And then you are left believing that you just need to do xy or z to access that same wonderful guy again. (just like we alcoholics keep believing that if we drink this way or after this time or change our drink of choice we can access the way we used to drink).
The honesty you will find here in the F&F forum reveals that kind people have spent lives contouring themselves around an alcoholic trying to find the exact ingredients to make everything better. I would really urge you to stand firm behind your commitment to leave when he blows it again. Don't move the goalposts, the minute you do that is the minute you are stepping into the vast, horrid world of hinging your happiness on unstable crazy making.
It is evident you aren't ready to leave yet. I hope you stick close by here and I hope you honor yourself by being true to the line you have drawn.
My old therapist used to tell me to look very closely when I was overly grateful for something. Having a boyfriend show up when he says he would, still able to converse adequately shouldn't fill you with gratitude, those basics should be a given. I would urge you not to settle for scraps. I sense from the buoyancy in your post you are already gauging your happiness on his drinking patterns, just be aware that this is a very precarious place to be.
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