SHETRIM

I left my alcoholic husband of 17 years for the third time on Monday evening. Three police cars arrived and carted him off to the hospital.
I am staying with good friends and they are keeping me sane.
So why do I feel responsible for him? The authorities are no help spent 7 hours in emergency with him on Monday night having him mentally assessed he walked out! No resources available to help and it's down to him to change surprise surprise. He has promised change before but all vey short lived. So he calls and gives me updates of what he is doing like the reset button has been pressed daily?! He acts like I am on a business trip and will be back soon?
Why do I feel so sad, empty and alone? Why does the question whats he doing now keep coming in to my head? I know there is no way back and the divorce road will be long. I sound pathetic and I am sorry for that, tears well up in my eyes for no good reason. Can anyone give me some tips for getting through this?
On the plus side read loads of posts and my daughter got him to sign the papers to sell the house!

axelsmama09

17 years is a long time to be with someone, I would say that you feel empty because you are used to being with him, drunk or not. I know I would feel the same way. You have left for a reason, and I APPLAUD you on your courage to do so. You just have to take it day by day. I know this isn't great advice but its all I have.

SadInTX

At least you have a safe place to stay while you sort this all out..it sounds like you are very courageous...hope you are okay...

atalose

The best advise I ever received when I was in this same situation was......simply allow yourself to feel what you feel. Instead of stopping those overflowing emotions by running back to him, allow yourself to fully go through the entire grief process.

Is it painful - you bet. Will you get through it - you bet.

I did that cycle for a long time, break up - make up with small changes on his part here or there but nothing sustainable. My boundary was 3 strikes and I am out for good.

We don't just turn off our feelings when we leave. Of couse we worry and they continue to consume our every thought but in time that will begin to be less and less.

He knows this dance, he knows what to say and do to get you back out on that dance floor. Your focus needs to be sitting this dance out and working on you.

Stung

I told my husband last night that I'm ready to divorce. I feel overrun with sadness but I think that's a pretty reasonable emotion to be feeling. It sounds like you too have been on a rollercoaster with your husband, it makes sense that you would be sad. Honestly, wouldn't it be weird if we were happy a day or two after making such big decisions?

I have no advice, but I offer you my sympathy and my empathy. Having an alcoholic spouse is awful and painful. Being the one to cut ties while they try their hardest to pretend it isn't happening is incredibly difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through this and it just sucks. I have heard that it does get better though and I'm happy that you have friends to support you while you're going through this. I hope you do something nice for yourself and make plans to take care of yourself this weekend.

Sending you big hugs.

maia1234

S- You feel this way because you are an enabler and a codie. We never let our A's feel what they should because we are there to protect them. I have something that I read from an A that you need to read. I am sorry but take your time and take care of you. Give him to your or his higher power to watch over.

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

axelsmama09

Wow, great post. The words rings so true!!! Thank you for sharing!!

honeypig

I found both of these to be helpful, and I hope you do too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

and

http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf

Seventeen years is a long time, and your own recovery, healing and adaptation to a new life is going to take time, too. One day at a time, like they say....

NYCDoglvr

A good thing to remember: "feelings aren't facts". Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. You may feel responsible, but you aren't. It's normal to feel sad, it's the end of a marriage. I suggest therapy and Alanon, which kept me sane while I went through. A very big hug!

freetosmile

You do NOT sound pathetic- you sound like any wife of an alcoholic would sound when going through the grieving process. I will be in that stage very soon as well.

You are so strong! You need to trust in that!! 17 years is a long time and you have done ALL that you can.

I can very much relate to having the reset button hit daily....they just pretend like nothing has happened! It's sooooo insane. The world they live in is NOT reality. It is twisted, sick, and very sad.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have every right to be upset and every right to FEEL responsible for this person- but you are NOT responsible for him. Let me repeat- you are NOT responsible for this man.

You should not be expected to live this way and by his actions- he has made it clear that he DOES expect you to live this way.

You have done the right thing. You are overcoming and he will need to figure out his own path in life. That is not for you to decide. He needs to be his own care-taker. You cannot do it anymore. It has caused you grief beyond measure. You owe this to YOURSELF.

Don't lose sight of the hope for a brighter future. Yes, it is sad what is happening to him. But only God himself can make these people change and God is doing what we ALL should be doing and that is LET THEM MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICE. You husband is not alone. God is with him.

Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing

SHETRIM

Thank you all very helpful advice quotes and articles
I am trying my best to ignore the phone and remember my anger wasted years could have beens etc but not getting bitter trying my best to be pragmatic and think short term so wish i could fast forward 6 months to a better place

dandylion

SHETRIM...all GOOD EFFORTS!

I agree....it is amazing how much better things are in 6mo. time, when it comes to grieving!

It won't always feel like this, for sure.

dandylion

maia1234

S- Someone told me this process takes times, so we learn never to do it again!!

NYCDoglvr

Thanks to Alanon, I did. What was required was brutal honesty and acceptance of my part (picking the jerk, staying too long) in a very screwed up relationship. When I listened instead of talking red flags popped up earlier and I was able to walk away.

Cissy

Amen.