Celticgirl

My AH has a habit of buying alcohol at the gas station/grocery store/liquor store and drinking it in the parking lot and/or while driving home, which is absolutely INSANE, given the fact that he's already gotten a DUI.

When I ask him why on earth he would do such a stupid thing, his response is "I don't know."

Is it really possible that he doesn't know? My stock reply is, "Well, if you don't know, who would?"

I know I'm not handling this well. Just ordered a copy of Codependent No More. Read it a few years back and it was so helpful. I need to re-read this.

Katchie

I feel you! My husband drinks/drives also. It doesn't make sense. He's only had his license back a year - maybe - and he STILL does this! He has had two DUI's. This is one of the many reasons I told him to leave and I'm still searching for a way to protect myself from what may happen financially as a result of drinking and driving. So far, the only thing that protects me from a lawsuit after insurance pays out is a divorce. I'm not quite ready for that step.

Is it possible they don't know why they do this? I have no idea and I'm tired of trying to figure that out for him.

It took me a year to finish Codependent No More. I know, silly, but it was a painful read to me. I will probably read it again too.

Celticgirl

He's a teacher, and we live in a small community. He would most likely lose his job if it happens again. I told him that it appears that he wants that to happen due to his behavior.

Katchie

It's absolutely amazing that even knowing all that will be lost, they continue on the path of destruction. There is no sense to it at all.

marie1960

Believe me he knows.

Saying "I don't know" translates to I am not going to have this conversation with YOU.

He is an adult man, making his own choices, and currently this is what he chooses.

From the outside, it looks quite clear to me.

So sorry life has come to this point for you.

Sungrl

They are not the idiots they pretend to be.

Take care of you. Wherever his choices take him, it's his to live with.

NYCDoglvr

They do it because it's what they feel like doing. "I don't know" is just another way of saying "I don't care". Of course they know there are laws against this, they simply don't care about the possible consequences. It's why alcoholism is referred to as the "disease of insanity". Despite catastrophic consequences alcoholics continue to drink.

FlippedRHalo

Mine did all the time too. Even with knowing that my younger brother was killed in a drunk driving accident and how badly it tore me apart and still does to this day.

Hammer

Really.

Need to get the Car(s), Insurance and any Common Property OUT of your shared names.

Need to send a Letter of Notice to the local Police Chief that you are aware of this problem, and that it is out of your control or power to stop it, and ask their assistance.

Hubby aint going to like none of that. But you do not need to hide that from him.

The risk of the alternative outcomes are quite extreme and often irreversible.

Is he still under any Court Supervision (Parole, Probation, etc.) from the Prior DUI? The Judge may be able to help, as well.

LexieCat

He may know, on some level, that he is an alcoholic, but isn't ready to admit that.

All he probably KNOWS is that he doesn't feel normal, or right, without a drink. When you feel yourself ready to jump out of your skin until you have that drink, all that matters is getting it into you as quickly as possible.

But he isn't likely to tell YOU that, because, well, you might think he was an ALCOHOLIC or something.

And anyway, "I don't know" is probably accurate as far as he's concerned. He doesn't know why he is feeling that way, because he isn't ready to admit he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism causes people to take all kinds of insane risks they wouldn't otherwise take.

redatlanta

He does so know…its because he is an alcoholic, and its not up for discussion.

Just like if I pick up some food in my car heading home, and I eat on the way, its because I'm hungry.

knowthetriggers

Yep! Mine used to do the same thing...one day he told me "because I can". I had no words!

shil2587

Mine tried to explain why he picks back up and I think it might be similar for other strange behaviour. He says that in that moment there's a part of his head that says 'you can fly!' And in that moment consequences don't exist, he's immune. He says, for him, recovery is about shutting down that voice and learning to ignore it in the meantime.

But maybe it's similar for why your husband drink drives. In that moment, there are no consequences. I guess that's addiction.

FeelingGreat

The thing that gets to me is they're always incredibly sorry after they hurt or kill someone.

shelton40

Totally agree. They are fully capable of growing up and being a man. Men take responsibility...boys dont.

velma929

My father was a functional alcoholic for many years.

One evening he had an accident that resulted in a fatality. Insurance only helps so much. How much are you insured for? My parents spent many thousands on a defense attorney for the criminal trial. Then there was a civil suit. The victim's family asked for $750,000. At that point, no attorney would represent them. Not their criminal attorney. Not anyone from the insurance company. NO ONE. If you're not O.J. Simpson with mega-bucks, no one is jumping in to represent someone who will be broke at the end of the trial.

You might want to see of your state recognizes legal separation and how that might protect you. IANAL, but if I remember correctly, you can't be forced to give up your primary residence, or a pension. Almost everything else is fair game. Please, please, if your spouse still drinks and drives, attend to this.

SeriousKarma

I found this article a few months back. It addresses the issue of addicts not being able to recall their thought processes just before a relapse. Not quite the same as the situation in the OP, but I thought I'd put it out there.

The Karma of Behaving Badly - Alcohol & Substance Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Cult & Depression

The author seems to feel that they aren't really lying when they say they can't remember. It has more to do with them having automatic responses to certain situations. He uses the example of hitting the brake when we see a red light. If asked what you were thinking before your foot moved from the gas pedal to the brake you wouldn't know. It was an automatic response. In order to change the behavior the brain needs to be retrained.

HollyC88

Girl drinking and driving was my AEXBF's specialty. He sometimes drank and drove his car simultaneously. I still don't understand it. They think they're invisible until its too late!!!

Hawks

from the book Alcoholics Anonymous

"Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count."
Big Book, p23

sauerkraut

Thank you, serious karma. I'm sharing that article with my husband. With him, though, I can see when he's made the decision to go get a bottle and drink it. His whole body gets energized and almost manic. That said, he wants to believe he can control it, and that article offers hope and suggestions for how to do so.