Hawks

One of the biggest things I have learned in recovery is that I cannot let my moods be predicated by anyone or anything.

Practice at it and it gets easier

Butterfly

Hopeful it is hard to hear but I need to hear it, I have real difficulty looking at people's actions and always listened to what he told me and look how well that worked out, all the broken promises and lies. I need to start living in the real world if he didn't want a divorce he wouldn't have applied for one, if he didn't want to live his current lifestyle he would seek help this is the life ,he wants and not one with me and my kids. Thank you hopeful

Butterfly

Hawks how do you do that??

Hawkeye13

Just sending you a big big hug Butterfly

You'll get through this

Butterfly

Hopeful I know I obsess I have OCD, thoughts not behaviours and depression and it's a constant battle to not let my thoughts take over!!

Hawks

It's not easy at first, it's taken me a good 6 months practice and more work to do.

Act better than you feel, practice at places like the supermarket, smile and talk to the checkout person even if you don't feel much like it.

Then next time something a little closer to home bothers you, brush it off, and get on with your day.

It's a habit I guess.

Then eventually, crap comes flying at you, and the reaction is automatic.

"hey wifey, your a such and such"

And you think "your a sick man" say nothing, don't react and get on with your day.

It's a bit like the old saying "sticks and stones"

But if you do react, don't beat yourself up, just do better next time and again, get on with your day.

It's just practice.

No magic switch or button to push, just practice till it becomes the default settings

amy55

Butterfly, I can hear you. I can feel what you feel. My ex filed against me. I never wanted that divorce. What got me going was what he was willing to give to me. It was nothing. Hate to say this, but I just got a computer, didn't have one before, and I started researching what I was entitled to. Was going to go without a lawyer, but hey, I found out he was trying to screw me, so got one of those also. I think this is when I was able to detach. Just really seeing all of this in black and white.

amy

amy55

Tried to go back and edit some things but my time was up. I meant, I had to lawyer up. The detachment came when I saw how he was trying to screw with me. I really began to see his "entitlement" thing then. He wanted all of his money (our money) to treat his girlfriend. This was one fight I didn't lose. I had a lawyer.

Butterfly

hawks thank you, i do try to act better than I feel, in work I put on such a front but its exhausting and i find that when I get home I am exhausted and really dont want to do anything except hide away. now the things that upset me are a little harder to brush off that will need a lot of practice lol.

Amy, I have a solicitor and a barrister acting for me. Initially I was just going to let him have his own way as I didnt want him to think negatively about me but I am entitled to support for ds while he goes through university, the letter regarding mediation to discuss the divorce and finances is being sent today so he should recieve it either tomorrow or saturday morning!!

hopeful4

Butterfly, I understand. I don't say those things in being harsh, I just think we all need to look at reality and actions.

I get it. For a very long time I let my mind wonder all the time what could be. What if this, and what if that. Once I learned the skill of living day to day and looking at actions (believe me, I know, easier said than done), my life became a lot more clear.

I too have depression and anxiety issues at times. Counseling and medications have helped with that immensely, along with the wonderful folks here at SR.

Much love and many hugs coming your way my friend!

ps...Stand firm, you and your DS deserve some financial assurances for the future. If he is going to talk bad he will anyways, who cares.

Butterfly

yes looking at actions is a new one for me and I have to keep reminding myself actions not words!! The counselling has been great for me in that I have been able to start understanding why I stayed for so long, why I put up with it all and why I focused on his words. I am beginning to develop a new understanding but havent yet been able to put it into practice in that Im still wanting to listen to what he has said, I suppose what he says is what I wanted to hear to think that I am loved and wanted and he is doing all this for me as its whats in my best interest but in reality its in his best interest as he doesnt have to deal with his issues, give up drink which would be difficult and face up to his responsibilities!!

I have a very very very very long way to go and maybe the divorce will give me some sort of closure but only if I begin to accept that his words are meaningless and his actions show the truth!

I will not let him walk all over me financially I will make sure I get what I am entitled to for my kids future and my own, why should I struggle financially when I retire after raising our kids while he worked or before I retire and DS goes to university! I cant let him control this and I need to stand up for myself!!

thank you hopeful

hopeful4

You have come a long way baby!!!!

Therapy is a process. You learn about YOU, and then you learn things to put in place to make a healthier and happier you. It takes a while. I personally think you are doing great.

What gave me closure was the realization that his actions and his words don't match, so which will I believe? Obviously, I did not have a choice, the actions.

You are so much stronger than a couple of months ago. I really admire all you are doing to help you, which will also help your DS.

XXX

Butterfly

Thank you, I do feel stronger some days but still hiding away a lot but I guess that's part of the process.

Hawkeye13

You did raise his children essentially on your own.
He owes you for that in my book.

Sounds like you are processing all of this really well, and it
is very hard stuff, so give yourself a lot of credit Butterfly.

Butterfly

Thanks Hawkeye some days i feel strong and others I could fall apart I just need to learn to enjoy the good days and accept the not so good days, boy have I got a lot of learning to do lol

Hawks

Just look at it like a sportsperson or musician.

Every day, golfers are on the practice range or putting green, everyday a virtuoso pianist puts in hours of practice.

10% inspiration and 90 % perspiration!!

And do remember to take "me" time once a week, long bath, long walk, stuff like that.

It'll come, just takes time.

One day you'll look back and think "I've been emotionally stable an entire week" Woohoo.

Then try for 2 weeks

FeelingGreat

Butterfly, you never stop trying and that's why your hard work will pay off in the future. Your counsellor sounds so helpful too.

All the best for the next stage.