FlippedRHalo

That's exactly how I feel, Charis. He has no respect for my feelings. Zero respect for the fact that I needed space to sort through all of this insanity. Zero respect for the fact that I was finally starting to feel peace and let go of the pain, hurt and insanity that he intentionally keeps trying to interrupt.

It really is all about him. Oh, you're drinking and having a sorry moment and I'm supposed to do what for you?? Tell you that I still miss you too after all of this? Talk you through your sadness? Be supportive and caring like I was for all of the years that you should have gotten help, but didn't? Feel more guilt than I already have for not being able to get you to seek help? Suck up more of the pain for both of us because you're not sober for long enough to feel it?

Yeah, no I'm done. I wish him the best, and I pray, but I'm done being his emotional vomit bag.

iamthird

Woohoo! I loved your post Flipped. Felt empowering just to read it. I want a moment like that! LOL!!

Carlotta

Good for you FlippedRHalo and don't feel guilty for speaking your truth.
Here is in your honor!

FlippedRHalo

Aboutdone, I get it. I could have so easily fallen into that trap, too. I WAS falling into that trap. I literally felt like I was fighting for my very life when I chose to give him the ultimatum to either get help that day or get out. I didn't want to do it, it broke me to do it, but I knew that if I didn't, I was going to hell with him and dragging my innocent daughter along for the ride. It was her that I pulled my strength from, because God knows I didn't feel I had an ounce left in myself.

I did feel broken. Very broken. I still feel broken at times. And I knew I would when he said he was going to leave. The thing is, I knew from that place of broken and shattered, I could only rebuild and become stronger. I knew I was going to walk through the fires of hell trying to get through him leaving, and I feel like I did without a doubt, and I won't say that there won't still be times of hell, but there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Staying with him and remembering what it was like growing up with my alcoholic parents, I knew there was no light at the end of the tunnel that I was walking along with him. I was trying to drag him one way and he was trying to drag me the other way. He was winning. There was no light at the end of that tunnel with him for my daughter either. I was a willing participant. She was an innocent casualty of the alcohol war. I couldn't do it to her.

I'm not going to kid myself and say that I'm through all of the despair. I know there could be more days, moments, whatever that it hits me again, but this place is so much better than that place. When you're in it, you feel like you're never going to get out of it, but alas, the key to our prison is there the whole time, we just have to find the strength to unlock and run.

Hang in there AD - I PROMISE you that there is a better world out there for you and your daughter without all of this pain. I wish you strength.

dandylion

Carlotta....Personally I have to say to you that I didn't like that....

I LOVED THE HELL OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

that is the best thing I have seen on stage in a long time....

***wonder if we could convince Desert Eyes to make it a sticky?

dandylion

FlippedRHalo

That's great Carlotta!! Thanks!

charis78

I think they have very little understanding of their actions. My ex would respond, what the hell it's just a text but they don't get how it affects you. Just don't let him hook you in again. I fail miserably at that even though I'm angry. I'm
Convinced my ex likes me to get angry at him so he can feel sorry for himself and drink.

NWGRITS

IMO there's a difference in constantly beating him into submission and taking that one moment to say, "Hey, a$$hole, this is where I stand. These are my boundaries and what I will and won't accept. Grow up, put your big boy pants on, and get with the program, or I'm out." Absolutely nothing wrong with that. GOOD FOR YOU!

chronsweet

it must have felt great to do that. we are human.

suggestion: now block his number.

FlippedRHalo

NWGRITS, I agree. I never brow beat him. I know he was hurting and tormented with the addiction and I made it a point to never add to that hurt. I'd have a perfect 4.0 if being the supportive, ever encouraging, understanding, sympathetic fiance were a college course. I had so much faith in him... if he would have just stopped feeling so sorry for himself and got out of his own darn way, and put half of that effort into helping himself, he could have been golden.

I surprised myself with my response to him. But, I'd really just had it at that point. I was holding on to so much hurt, anger, guilt, etc...and while I care deeply about him, he's been nothing but coddled (admittedly I was one of them back then) and he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions and stop feeling sorry for himself.

Actually, he can be as irresponsible and feel as sorry for himself as he wants to, but he needs to keep it AWAY from me and my life. I just don't want it anymore. It's the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. I hate repetition!