Something is not right...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
Something is not right...
Here I am posting once again. Long story for short, I am in love with a recovering alcoholic and his crazy dysfunctional family. I have known this family my whole life and I am closer to him than my own. I realized at the end of this year that I AM part of the problem. I'm a codependent person who always wants to fix things and who generally just gets swallowed whole by emotions (mine or theirs!). I realize this past year that I have been preoccupied by this part of my life.
I knew at the beginning of this year things had to change because if they don't then we will all end up unhappy and hostile. So I read Co-Dependent No More, I haven't had hardly any contact with this recovering alcoholic since just before Thanksgiving and I have distanced myself from his family too. At first, it was a welcome relief and a sense of peace knowing that I was removing myself from the situation.
So I went about my life. Working, hanging out with friends, going to church on a regular basis, just trying to live my life instead of someone else's. But something has just felt off and not right. Part of it IS my job schedule, I'll admit that. But today I was off and decided to go to AL-ANON for the first time. I did my research on it, talked to a friend who had been and I was actually really excited to go. I went...and I felt even worse.
For starters, it was a meeting full of old people - mostly 60 and 70 year old women. They had a good message and were nice people who I am sure have a lot of wisdom, but I left feeling more alone than before. I knew that the meeting would probably be older people because not too many young people are off in the middle of the day on a freaking Thursday to go to Al-Anon of all places. So I started thinking maybe it would be best if I attended one on a weekend night so I drove around and found the locations of the other meetings (they are all right there in the same town together) and I just started thinking to myself: What in the hell am I doing in this part of town?! I don't belong here. I don't feel safe here. My alcoholic friend quit going to meetings in that part of town because he thought the same thing. Now I get why he didn't feel comfortable!
But I don't feel comfortable anywhere I go. I feel miserable at work (but that's because I don't like my job), I feel like I have "outgrown" my friends because they are all at a different stage in their life OR we just work different schedules, I like the church I go to but it's a bigger church and when it's just me that goes I don't feel at home. And I feel like I'm not "allowed" to spend time with this family. Like, it's HIS family. I know they love me but things aren't the same. It feels weird to be around them but the more time that goes by that I'm not around them, the tension builds even more.
I feel like my life has been turned upside down and everything that I know is literally gone. I know things take time but any input on finding balance in chaos?! I try not to worry too much. I try to tell myself that the right job will come along, that my friends haven't really gone anywhere, and that the people in my life love me even in the bad times. People don't just stop loving you with the snap of a figure. I tell myself that God knows what's up and rather I go to church or stay home, he's there. I still feel stuck in this storm, but it's like a storm that's in my head! I swear, the recovering alcoholic in my life might be more stable than me right now!
I knew at the beginning of this year things had to change because if they don't then we will all end up unhappy and hostile. So I read Co-Dependent No More, I haven't had hardly any contact with this recovering alcoholic since just before Thanksgiving and I have distanced myself from his family too. At first, it was a welcome relief and a sense of peace knowing that I was removing myself from the situation.
So I went about my life. Working, hanging out with friends, going to church on a regular basis, just trying to live my life instead of someone else's. But something has just felt off and not right. Part of it IS my job schedule, I'll admit that. But today I was off and decided to go to AL-ANON for the first time. I did my research on it, talked to a friend who had been and I was actually really excited to go. I went...and I felt even worse.
For starters, it was a meeting full of old people - mostly 60 and 70 year old women. They had a good message and were nice people who I am sure have a lot of wisdom, but I left feeling more alone than before. I knew that the meeting would probably be older people because not too many young people are off in the middle of the day on a freaking Thursday to go to Al-Anon of all places. So I started thinking maybe it would be best if I attended one on a weekend night so I drove around and found the locations of the other meetings (they are all right there in the same town together) and I just started thinking to myself: What in the hell am I doing in this part of town?! I don't belong here. I don't feel safe here. My alcoholic friend quit going to meetings in that part of town because he thought the same thing. Now I get why he didn't feel comfortable!
But I don't feel comfortable anywhere I go. I feel miserable at work (but that's because I don't like my job), I feel like I have "outgrown" my friends because they are all at a different stage in their life OR we just work different schedules, I like the church I go to but it's a bigger church and when it's just me that goes I don't feel at home. And I feel like I'm not "allowed" to spend time with this family. Like, it's HIS family. I know they love me but things aren't the same. It feels weird to be around them but the more time that goes by that I'm not around them, the tension builds even more.
I feel like my life has been turned upside down and everything that I know is literally gone. I know things take time but any input on finding balance in chaos?! I try not to worry too much. I try to tell myself that the right job will come along, that my friends haven't really gone anywhere, and that the people in my life love me even in the bad times. People don't just stop loving you with the snap of a figure. I tell myself that God knows what's up and rather I go to church or stay home, he's there. I still feel stuck in this storm, but it's like a storm that's in my head! I swear, the recovering alcoholic in my life might be more stable than me right now!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It does hurt. Blood is much thicker than water, it's just a fact. You have to let his family go. It is his family and it would not be healthy for you to have a close relationship with them.
Does your church have Celebrate Recovery? If so you may want to try it out, it has helped me in the codie department in a huge way! You may also want to try individual therapy. Maybe try a class, do something you enjoy.
When I was in college I was in a difficult place. I took a pottery class. It was awesome. You pound the crap out of the clay then the calm of working on your piece. It was great, and I met some fun friends in that class.
Open yourself up to change right now. It's hard, but you can do it!
Does your church have Celebrate Recovery? If so you may want to try it out, it has helped me in the codie department in a huge way! You may also want to try individual therapy. Maybe try a class, do something you enjoy.
When I was in college I was in a difficult place. I took a pottery class. It was awesome. You pound the crap out of the clay then the calm of working on your piece. It was great, and I met some fun friends in that class.
Open yourself up to change right now. It's hard, but you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
If this helps anybody twice this year, I have flat out asked my RA if he wanted me to go away (and one of the times he was even full on dating someone else). Both times he said no, that he doesn't want me to go away.
Recently when he was ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder, I asked him if we were even friends or not and he just said he doesn't want to keep hurting my feelings, hence the distance. That and his girlfriend doesn't like me. Confused? Yea. Don't even ask me about his relationship issues...that's another book.
I guess the first step of "reinventing" myself is that I am looking for a new job where I work regular hours and can live on the same schedule as everyone else.
Recently when he was ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder, I asked him if we were even friends or not and he just said he doesn't want to keep hurting my feelings, hence the distance. That and his girlfriend doesn't like me. Confused? Yea. Don't even ask me about his relationship issues...that's another book.
I guess the first step of "reinventing" myself is that I am looking for a new job where I work regular hours and can live on the same schedule as everyone else.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Find yourself.
Are you creatively inclined, be it art, writing, music, crafts, refurbishing old furniture, gardening flowers or herbs, etc?
If so, do that. Your feelings will come out through that. And it will cleanse and inspire you.
You could also do some volunteer work. Look online, see what help you can offer others.
Good luck :-)
Peace.
Are you creatively inclined, be it art, writing, music, crafts, refurbishing old furniture, gardening flowers or herbs, etc?
If so, do that. Your feelings will come out through that. And it will cleanse and inspire you.
You could also do some volunteer work. Look online, see what help you can offer others.
Good luck :-)
Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
987g....the most important lessons that I learned about life, I learned from my grandmother....and, she was more than 40yrs. older than me.
Knowledge and experience do not have an expiration date.
dandylion
Knowledge and experience do not have an expiration date.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
If you went to a coffee shop or restaurant during the day and most of the customers were older than you, I'm guessing that wouldn't be a big problem, provided you could still get a nice cup of coffee and some refreshment. You could come back again at the weekend to see if the crowd was the same.
Sounds like you reached out for support on this occassion but then stepped back when it was actually on offer. We're still here to support if we can but we're not in your town and we can't make coffee for you!
Sounds like you reached out for support on this occassion but then stepped back when it was actually on offer. We're still here to support if we can but we're not in your town and we can't make coffee for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
I hope no one took the "old" comment the wrong way. I'm not saying I hated the meeting or that I won't ever go back but I just felt alone. I have older friends (about the same age as my parents) and I have friends who are 5 years younger than I am and I get along with them too but I'm not finding too many people (at least yet) who are my age and can relate to this situation. I'm grateful for any support that I get but sometimes it's nice to have people your own age, that I probably also have more in common with besides just the whole love of an alcoholic thing. Most friends my age are still out partying in the bars themselves or are newlyweds and popping out babies. Nothing wrong with, it just makes it hard to relate. Still love em!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
987....to be honest, 987, I was offended by it. It came across, to me, as very tactless....as well as smacking of ageism. If you wanted to speak about an age difference, you certainly could have done it in a more respectful tone or with better chosen words.
In life, you will find that to be respectful and tactful with whomever you deal with will pay off.
As your senior (close to 60) I feel that it is appropriate advice to always treat others as you would wish to be treated. Karma has a way of "repaying" you. LOL!
dandylion
In life, you will find that to be respectful and tactful with whomever you deal with will pay off.
As your senior (close to 60) I feel that it is appropriate advice to always treat others as you would wish to be treated. Karma has a way of "repaying" you. LOL!
dandylion
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi 987, I think I get you, you wanted to see another you there to be able to relate to. Thing is, whatever stages of our lives, whatever age, we have hopefully gleaned experience that we can share, if wanted.
I work with a lot of 30 ish year olds, I'm 50 ish and mostly we get on but our views can be so different because we want different things at different stages of our lives.
I work with a lot of 30 ish year olds, I'm 50 ish and mostly we get on but our views can be so different because we want different things at different stages of our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
The bad thing about texting and the internet is that tone of voice and sarcasm doesn't come across. One of my closest friends is 50 years old. After I left the meeting, I went to her house just to hang out with her. She knew what I was trying to say, that it's just nice to see people that may also be in school or starting a career, ect. Sorry to offend anyone, I didn't mean it to come across that way.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Hate to tell you this but meetings AA or ALANON are not Burger King. They are not served up your way.Those ucky old people have fought the exact same battle you are the difference is they have been doing it for 20 years.
There is a line in AA and it is, "Stick with the winners" and I'll just bet you there was more than one winner in the group of people you blew off
There is a line in AA and it is, "Stick with the winners" and I'll just bet you there was more than one winner in the group of people you blew off
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
I was pretty clueless at 30 and wouldn't have had much useful to help someone else with at that time.
Not saying I'm any great shakes now, however, but I have been to more than one rodeo and that has given me some insight
Not saying I'm any great shakes now, however, but I have been to more than one rodeo and that has given me some insight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
OK, look. Enough is enough about the comment that I made. For starters, I did NOT mean it to be offensive at all. The bad thing about the internet is that tone of voice and sarcasm do not translate. I did not mean it to be offense. I was perfectly nice to all of the women I met today and I plan on going back but it was just not what I was expecting so I left upset. Please, stop jumping all over about it. That was not the point of the post I made to begin with.
Even the women in the group made comments about the age differences and them being OLD! They laughed and smiled and joked about it right along with me. And you know what I didn't dare take offense when someone asked me "What's wrong with your leg?" So what, I'm slightly physically disabled. Did I take offense to that comment? NOPE. You all do NOT know me. Sorry that a comment came out wrong. Either offer your two cents about what I actually posted or move on. Please stop harping on me.
Even the women in the group made comments about the age differences and them being OLD! They laughed and smiled and joked about it right along with me. And you know what I didn't dare take offense when someone asked me "What's wrong with your leg?" So what, I'm slightly physically disabled. Did I take offense to that comment? NOPE. You all do NOT know me. Sorry that a comment came out wrong. Either offer your two cents about what I actually posted or move on. Please stop harping on me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Old... schmould....whatever.... as long as the conversation doesn't lean toward hormones and mood swings it's all good with me.
Now.... back to the topic at hand....
987, do you think maybe your just a bit lonely? Where you hoping maybe to meet people at the meeting that you could relate to on things a bit more than just alcoholism and codependency?
Now.... back to the topic at hand....
987, do you think maybe your just a bit lonely? Where you hoping maybe to meet people at the meeting that you could relate to on things a bit more than just alcoholism and codependency?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Imo, age seems to be relative to where you're currently standing.
I remember thinking that 21 was old when I was 17!
60 is just around the corner, and I still feel like a youngster.
I'm sure no harm was intended here.
I remember thinking that 21 was old when I was 17!
60 is just around the corner, and I still feel like a youngster.
I'm sure no harm was intended here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
It is possible. I mean, like I've said when I try to talk to my friends that are my age about this situation they just sit there with a blank look on their face. I have a lot in common with my friends of course, but this whole thing has become a big part of my life and honestly, a big part of me! It's a lot of heavy stuff. I guess I was looking for others to understand that hey, even though you are young and doing things like starting a career and interested in this and that and the other thing, there's some things that I'm not interested in. Like, I have no desire to go sit in a bar or to spend my night hanging out with a bunch of rowdy drunk people. In my free time I find myself reading Co-dependent No More and on when I would go on a "date" with this RA, it almost always included going to an AA meeting, which was perfectly okay with me.
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