chronsweet

987g - I completely understand what you're going through. I haven't been living with my xAB (whom I have a child with) since August 2014. I couldn't wait to get away from him. Life became miserable living with him. False accusations, psychosis, loud snoring that made it impossible for me to sleep, negative comments about my lack of character, mooching off me and not supporting his son but having money to buy several $8 beers if we went to a recreational place like the zoo.

I date, i get out and meet people, and I have several friends who I can talk to. Yet, after all of this, if I get lonely for a moment, I go back running to him. I actually asked him about a month ago if he'd move back in with me. He has his own place and a lease that is ending soon. My mind kept going to, "What if he finds someone else, and I miss out on him becoming a good guy." I truly believe that if he tried, he could be wonderful. He does have some nice qualities about himself.

When my mother got ahold of this idea of me letting him move back in she said basically that I was nuts and that I may need some help if I'm willing to let someone like this move back into my house without even correcting the problem. His own house is filled with beer bottles and booze bottles. He still calls me names and tries to control me and question me. He actually pee'd down the stairs when drunk and spending the night.

I started doing a mental inventory and reminding myself of what I had escaped and how lucky I am. I wish I could get away from him completely. I have a kid with him and so am always hoping for the fantasy family, but in my case that cannot exist with him at this point in life. I also read some of my old posts on here to refresh why exactly I need to stay on track.

It is lonely. I went to Al-Anon myself and didn't care for it. For me, it made me way too emotional and I had a headache for a day from crying. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all solution for anyone. If you felt better without going to Al-Anon, then I'd suggest doing what makes you feel better. It is very hard to go from being in a deeply enmeshed relationship and then having to be alone.

Things I have done, I go out even if alone. I'll go to a movie or a club (I am not an alcoholic so I can do this). I joined Meet-Up Groups online. I get together with the girls at work. I walk and do activities when I can. I say hi to the people I interact with wherever I go and with whomever is approachable. One never knows when or where one will find someone interesting to become friends with. Doing hobbies and activities as others suggest is great to do as well. If you read books, tucking yourself into a good story is a great way to pass the time and clear your head of other thoughts.

Sorry if this was too long, I just understand the emotions you are going through. I am here to remind myself of the reasons why and the patterns of alcoholics so I can stay strong enough to keep my xABF from moving back in due to my own destructive ways.

987g

Thank you for replying! This guy is a good guy. He is and he has been sober for more than a year. He has some major, heart breaking issues. I feel for him, I really do. But he is not perfect and sometimes when he's not putting in the effort or working on his issues he just crashes into my heart like a wrecking ball. We are definitely on the same page about one thing: the fear of what if I miss MY chance.

I think I need to take a break from al-anon, and searching the internet, and reading books. Like you said, just go do something ELSE. Lately my mind has been so busy I can't even watch TV. I'm too busy thinking about something else.

You're post wasn't too long at all, I appreciate it. The heart wants what it wants, and it usually wants it RIGHT NOW so I understand how hard it is to be strong even if you "know better." Just think about your kiddo...you don't want them to pick up on their father's habits. It's bad enough he's not good to you, don't let your kid be affected by the behavior if you can help it.

chronsweet

Sometimes taking a break from all the thoughts of why, how, where on a certain topic is best IMO. It's almost like getting into a cycle of pattern of thought where you are always thinking about it and that puts thoughts into actions (sometimes good and sometime BAD).

I think retraining ourselves to think differently is key. Reading philosophy and things about metacognition and buddhism has really helped me to focus not so much on where I went wrong, but how I can think better. Learning that people are who they are and that they can't be changed and it's a way of life has helped me. Relationships are not guaranteed. Life events change and basically we must learn to roll with the punches. At the end of the day, WE are who WE are as well. It is our mind and our thoughts that we must deal with. WE can control that, and really nothing else.