Kboys

Just wanting to vent and looking for some perspective... thanks

A good girlfriend of mine from high school is moving out of state this weekend and we had lunch together today. AH wanted to come too. He and I typically have lunch together. I text my friend this morning to tell her AH might come too.

She text back, "Can you tell him I want to talk about some personal things, unless you think that would make him too sad." (AH tends to monopolize conversations, and I know my friend wanted to hear how things are going between he and I. Plus, really, is it that big of a deal to have a lunch with my friend without him?) So I text back "ok" and called AH, told him we were just going to have a girls lunch, hope he didn't mind, and I offered to bring him lunch. I knew he was going to be unhappy about it, and he was, asked me, "Who are you really having lunch with?" and no, "I'll get my own lunch, don't worry about me."

Then an hour or so later he texts me, "This is bulls**t! She just doesn't want me there. Thats fine, I'll remember that."

And I automatically get anxiety, just like I had when he was drinking. And I want to fix it and make him feel better, becuase I can't stand when he's upset, and I think he'll drink, or cheat, because he's mad at me.

I called him after lunch, and he was cold to me. I said "I love you" and he just said "bye"

But I hate that I feel that way, why can't I just shrug it off? He's going to do what he's going to do. And I don't think a reasonable husband would be mad about something like this. Right? Why do I let it get me so worked up? So stupid

Thanks for listening.

lillamy

Dang straight. He's a control freak sober, too.

FireSprite

He's definitely acting like a control freak, and no, it's not unreasonable ( or even unusual) for women to have lunch with friends without their spouse present. That's ridiculous, I'd be pretty po'd if it were me.

hopeful4

Oh my X usto try that same crap. It's called manipulation and emotional abuse. You don't have to stand for it. He needs to grow up.

"And I want to fix it and make him feel better, becuase I can't stand when he's upset, and I think he'll drink, or cheat, because he's mad at me."

Honey, if he will drink or cheat b/c you don't make him feel better this should tell you something.

maia1234

Sounds like a big baby to me. His feelings are hurt...

If he gets angry and drinks there is nothing you can do about it. Don't live with the guilt. They definitely know how to manipulate things...

987g

I don't think that's anything to get mad about either, but alcoholics apparently carry all kinds of anger and I've seen it seep out about the most ridiculous things. But you aren't crazy for wanting to fix it or make him feel better. You just don't want someone you care about to be mad or hurt, it's kind of a scary feeling. One of the best things I have come to realize (my RA told me this himself...) is that when someone gets angry at you, it's something inside them - NOT YOU.

marie1960

Yep, sounds like a big baby azz to me also.

and control freak

and selfish

and insecure.

why does he insist on having lunch with the girls? Obvi worried about something....... oh like you don't know how to think and communicate for yourself? or is he projecting his ways? hmmm

just wow,

and the "who are you really having lunch with" comment, disrespectful, and quite the jealous fool.
Hugs to you!

Missus

I just got chills, because this is the exact line I hear when AH is mortally offended and decides that the world is out to get him. It usually means that for the foreseeable future, I won't be able to mention the person that upset him without him saying something nasty (probably in a passive aggressive way) about that person. Even if its his own kids (!!)

Sorry, didn't want to hijack, it just got to me

Bullfrog

King Baby.

My XAH used to do the exact same stuff. Even down to the "I'll remember that."

Man, you have no idea how thankful I am to be divorced.

SparkleKitty

If he drinks or cheats, it is not because of anything you did or didn't do. If he tells you it is, it's because he's been looking for an excuse to justify his bad behavior.

By contrast, KBoys, about an hour ago I made plans to meet a friend for brunch on Sunday. Just us and her month and a half old daughter. When I told my husband about it, he said, "That's awesome. Have fun!"

That's how a non-controlling, non-manipulative spouse responds to this information. They don't ask to come along, they don't insist you're lying about who you're having lunch with, and they don't swear revenge upon your friend for having the gall to want to talk to you alone. They do not need to be tethered to their partner at every moment, they don't even WANT to be.

So this is one of those times where he is showing you who he is. Can you accept him? Is this what you want?

RevivingOphelia

What the ACTUAL $*@&?!?!?!

He is ticked--and will "remember that"--you chose to have a lunch with a friend instead of him?!

I'm almost at a loss for words. But I found a few:

He has absolutely NO right to insert his presence at your lunch. YOU have every right to have lunch (or even dinner!) with friend(s). YOU have the right to make choices as to how to spend YOUR time without his approval or presence.

He is absolutely an emotional abuser and you are immersed into his world of crazy to the point where you are walking on eggshells hoping to not upset him or he might "cheat" or "drink" again. Unacceptable.

I would tell him where to go with his pissy attitude and outrageous demands and walk out the door.

Kboys

Thanks everybody. I needed to hear all that

"So this is one of those times where he is showing you who he is. Can you accept him? Is this what you want? "

This is not what I want. I don't want to have to feel guilty and embarrassed for feeling guilty about something that I shouldn't feel guilty about. I don't want everything to have to be a struggle. I don't want to have to reassure him every time I do something without him.
This has always been an issue for us, since the beginning of our relationship, drinking or not drinking. He has always been suspicious of what I'm "really" doing, although HE is the one who cheated, NOT ME. And I changed the way that I did things, and I spent less time with my friends and my family, so that he would not feel insecure. And I regret that. AND I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE! But it's still hard.

I was planning to go to AL-Anon tonight (It's only offered once per week). I love Al-Anon. But now part of me feels like I shouldn't go, becuase he's already upset, so he's REALLY going to have something to say if I go tonight, and I just don't want to deal with it. And I HATE that I think that way. That I give into his manipulation.

FireSprite

GO TO YOUR MEETING!

You need it even MORE based on this experience.

(((((hugs)))) To me, this is heavy-duty codie behavior, not allowing your feelings/needs because of his.

RevivingOphelia

You are aware, then, that this is CLASSIC abusive behaviour?

You are IN an abusive relationship.

Please seek out some support so that you can navigate a healthier you and future.

Jupiters

I really hope you go to your meeting.
WITHOUT GUILT.
he's being absolutely ridiculous.

firebolt

If you are worried about backlash when you get home, is there somewhere else you can go for the night? Family / friends? Take care!

987g

Yes go to your meeting. Don't worry, him and his anger will still be there when you get home. He is choosing to be angry, that's his response to the situation. You did not MAKE him mad and you are not responsible for making him feel better either (just like his alcohol you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it). At least you will feel better when you get home. Don't be miserable just because he is. Easier said than done I know.

Kboys

Thanks all.
I will go to the meeting... I think.
As long as AH isn't drinking (which he hasn't been) I'm not too worried about any major backlash... It's more the passive agressive comments, and the coldness. Which sucks, but I can handle. But yes, my parents live close, so I could go there if I needed to.
I know I'll feel better if I go.
We started doing step work at my meeting. And I'm really excited about that. And yesterday I bought a journal, specifically for it... so I better go

CAPTAINZING2000

Hmm how old is your husband? Sounds like he's in jr. High.

Kboys

I KNOW! Thanks for the chuckle

And he's 33