Help for 2nd DUI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Miami FL
Posts: 1
Help for sister with 2nd DUI
Hi,
My sister got her second DUI over the weekend. She lives in a state far away from most of the rest of the family and so we didn't know about the first one (2 years ago) until recently. The first DUI was knocked down to reckless driving. She says the record was sealed. With this second DUI, her arrest record cites property damage and leaving the scene. She doesn't remember anything about having an accident or leaving the scene. She blew .34 according to the paperwork.
She saw an attorney who told her it could not be accurate and so he would work to get the charges dismissed. We, her family, all think that it is likely accurate and that she is an alcoholic. She denies having a drinking problem, can stop any time she likes, doesn't have to drink, can have only one drink. That she was just stupid. It would be laughable how clichéd her denial is, if it weren't so serious.
One family member is with her and is urging her to seek help, get an assessment, go to AA just to see, or something. But given the lawyer saying, I will try to get the charges dismissed, she doesn't think she needs to do anything.
Additional factors: her husband announced he was divorcing her in October/November, she has been seeing a therapist and has admitted to suicidal thoughts.
What can/should we do at this point? Any advice would be very welcome.
Concerned Sis
My sister got her second DUI over the weekend. She lives in a state far away from most of the rest of the family and so we didn't know about the first one (2 years ago) until recently. The first DUI was knocked down to reckless driving. She says the record was sealed. With this second DUI, her arrest record cites property damage and leaving the scene. She doesn't remember anything about having an accident or leaving the scene. She blew .34 according to the paperwork.
She saw an attorney who told her it could not be accurate and so he would work to get the charges dismissed. We, her family, all think that it is likely accurate and that she is an alcoholic. She denies having a drinking problem, can stop any time she likes, doesn't have to drink, can have only one drink. That she was just stupid. It would be laughable how clichéd her denial is, if it weren't so serious.
One family member is with her and is urging her to seek help, get an assessment, go to AA just to see, or something. But given the lawyer saying, I will try to get the charges dismissed, she doesn't think she needs to do anything.
Additional factors: her husband announced he was divorcing her in October/November, she has been seeing a therapist and has admitted to suicidal thoughts.
What can/should we do at this point? Any advice would be very welcome.
Concerned Sis
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
Untill she decides she wants to quit drinking, there really isn't much you can do to make her. Just be there to pick up the pieces when things come undone.
But, in fact, she may not be an alcoholic. She may just be reckless and having poor impulse control just now. Stress from an impending divorce may be compounding the problem. However, regardless of the issue, until she decides it's time to change all you can do is watch.
But, in fact, she may not be an alcoholic. She may just be reckless and having poor impulse control just now. Stress from an impending divorce may be compounding the problem. However, regardless of the issue, until she decides it's time to change all you can do is watch.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
There is really not much you can do but love her.
If she is still in denial then no amount of help you give her is going to make her see anything different. Maybe this DUI will, I don’t know, there are no guarantees.
You can read here and look into Al-anon so you can deal and cope with it better. It is so hard when we love someone and we watch them destroy themselves and they can’t see any of it.
She is going to have to be the one that comes to the conclusion she has a problem and then only she can do something about it. She is a grown woman.
You can support her, love her and offer her an ear but other than that, it is best to let it play out.
Never deny an alcoholic their pain, it may be the one thing that causes enough hurt enough to make them want to make a change. It is her decision whether she gets help or not.
If she is still in denial then no amount of help you give her is going to make her see anything different. Maybe this DUI will, I don’t know, there are no guarantees.
You can read here and look into Al-anon so you can deal and cope with it better. It is so hard when we love someone and we watch them destroy themselves and they can’t see any of it.
She is going to have to be the one that comes to the conclusion she has a problem and then only she can do something about it. She is a grown woman.
You can support her, love her and offer her an ear but other than that, it is best to let it play out.
Never deny an alcoholic their pain, it may be the one thing that causes enough hurt enough to make them want to make a change. It is her decision whether she gets help or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Welcome to SR! What a situation, it must have you in knots.
Believe none of what you hear & half of what you see. The facts kind of speak for themselves - a .34 is not just a little buzzed, but fairly obliterated. A 2nd DUI is no joking matter. If she doesn't think she has a problem & still considers herself a normal drinker there's not much you CAN do here. She really has to want to be helped.
You can let her know you all love her & want her to get better, you can educated yourself on addiction, but you can't save her from herself. I know this all sounds so negative, but there's not really a happy way to spin the reality of it.
This is a great forum for YOU though, lots of amazing, helpful information in the sticky threads up at the top of the forum page that you will probably get a lot out of. Just dive in & start reading & keep posting, people here are really smart about addiction & have created an amazing support system.
Believe none of what you hear & half of what you see. The facts kind of speak for themselves - a .34 is not just a little buzzed, but fairly obliterated. A 2nd DUI is no joking matter. If she doesn't think she has a problem & still considers herself a normal drinker there's not much you CAN do here. She really has to want to be helped.
You can let her know you all love her & want her to get better, you can educated yourself on addiction, but you can't save her from herself. I know this all sounds so negative, but there's not really a happy way to spin the reality of it.
This is a great forum for YOU though, lots of amazing, helpful information in the sticky threads up at the top of the forum page that you will probably get a lot out of. Just dive in & start reading & keep posting, people here are really smart about addiction & have created an amazing support system.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would recommend having her look into the story of Audrey Kishline. She thought that Moderation Management should work, and started big groups about it. Unfortunately, she killed a dad and his child while driving drunk. Just a day or so ago, she committed suicide.
It's serious business not to be minimized. You can lead them to the water, but you cannot force them to drink so to speak. Let her know there is support out there. Recommend it, see if she is open at all. If not, it just won't work. You cannot make someone WANT to stop.
In the mean time, SR is a great place of support and I hope you keep coming back!
It's serious business not to be minimized. You can lead them to the water, but you cannot force them to drink so to speak. Let her know there is support out there. Recommend it, see if she is open at all. If not, it just won't work. You cannot make someone WANT to stop.
In the mean time, SR is a great place of support and I hope you keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sorry to post again, but I disagree with this. If you are there to pick up the pieces she will never take charge of getting herself well. And if this is her second DUI and she was blackout drunk, there is a really good chance she is an alcoholic.
I don't drink. If I went out and got hammered this would be enough for me to say that I would never drink again. She won't say that b/c she does not want to stop drinking. It does not matter if you call someone an alcoholic or not, the disruption in life for herself and her family is alarming and needs to change.
I don't drink. If I went out and got hammered this would be enough for me to say that I would never drink again. She won't say that b/c she does not want to stop drinking. It does not matter if you call someone an alcoholic or not, the disruption in life for herself and her family is alarming and needs to change.
Originally Posted by Cascabel 
Untill she decides she wants to quit drinking, there really isn't much you can do to make her. Just be there to pick up the pieces when things come undone.
But, in fact, she may not be an alcoholic. She may just be reckless and having poor impulse control just now. Stress from an impending divorce may be compounding the problem. However, regardless of the issue, until she decides it's time to change all you can do is watch.
But, in fact, she may not be an alcoholic. She may just be reckless and having poor impulse control just now. Stress from an impending divorce may be compounding the problem. However, regardless of the issue, until she decides it's time to change all you can do is watch.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
That's a lot of alcohol she had in her blood to have blown that high. In Illinois , the penalty is higher when an accident occurs, even higher for fleeing the scene. I wonder if your sister is being truthful on what the lawyer said.
A first DUI can happen to anyone using a little bad judgement. A second DUI raises red flags.
A first DUI can happen to anyone using a little bad judgement. A second DUI raises red flags.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Just because an attorney said he will try doesn't mean he will succeed.
The best you can do is let Sis be accountable for her actions - No family member helping with funds for the attorney or doing anything to make the process less painful. Let her feel all the pain. Maybe she will wake up.
The best you can do is let Sis be accountable for her actions - No family member helping with funds for the attorney or doing anything to make the process less painful. Let her feel all the pain. Maybe she will wake up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
What should you do?
Legally, you let her get an attorney and let that attorney do the best they can given her circumstances. She probably was .34 but that isn't your problem. Legally what is about to happen to her has nothing do with her as far as being an AC. It is a consequence of her drinking that an attorney can probably make look different in court. Don't let that confuse you as to the real problem here. The attorney's job is to get her out of this to the best extend possible, not treat her problem. Don't pay for any of it or be a part of that. She is facing thousands in legal expenses at a minimum at this stage.
Emotionally. As hard as this sounds, you step away from her life and let her hit the bottom she needs to before she realizes she needs to get help to stop a problem she doesn't acknowledge having right now.
Anything you do to help will be energy expended that most likely will be wasted at this stage. Each time you bail out a problem drinker is what enables them to get there again.
Legally, you let her get an attorney and let that attorney do the best they can given her circumstances. She probably was .34 but that isn't your problem. Legally what is about to happen to her has nothing do with her as far as being an AC. It is a consequence of her drinking that an attorney can probably make look different in court. Don't let that confuse you as to the real problem here. The attorney's job is to get her out of this to the best extend possible, not treat her problem. Don't pay for any of it or be a part of that. She is facing thousands in legal expenses at a minimum at this stage.
Emotionally. As hard as this sounds, you step away from her life and let her hit the bottom she needs to before she realizes she needs to get help to stop a problem she doesn't acknowledge having right now.
Anything you do to help will be energy expended that most likely will be wasted at this stage. Each time you bail out a problem drinker is what enables them to get there again.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Unfortunately until an alcoholic decides that they are powerless over alcohol and that their life has become unmanageable there's little anyone can do.
I agree that helping is not helping it is enabling. You may wish to become evolved in ALANON. You will not fix her but it will help you deal with an alcoholic loved one
I agree that helping is not helping it is enabling. You may wish to become evolved in ALANON. You will not fix her but it will help you deal with an alcoholic loved one
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I would recommend having her look into the story of Audrey Kishline. She thought that Moderation Management should work, and started big groups about it. Unfortunately, she killed a dad and his child while driving drunk. Just a day or so ago, she committed suicide.
It's serious business not to be minimized. You can lead them to the water, but you cannot force them to drink so to speak. Let her know there is support out there. Recommend it, see if she is open at all. If not, it just won't work. You cannot make someone WANT to stop.
In the mean time, SR is a great place of support and I hope you keep coming back!
It's serious business not to be minimized. You can lead them to the water, but you cannot force them to drink so to speak. Let her know there is support out there. Recommend it, see if she is open at all. If not, it just won't work. You cannot make someone WANT to stop.
In the mean time, SR is a great place of support and I hope you keep coming back!
Her DUI/manslaughter had nothing to do with what program she was in. She had concluded she wasn't a candidate for moderation, but anyone in any program can relapse at any time.
It's tragic--all the deaths.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I'm so sorry for what brings you here. I echo the others that unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for her and her drinking. Also unfortunately, she is very likely to be facing jail time. When you blow that high -- even without damage you're likely to get jail time. I had a friend in Indiana who blew a .19 and had no priors. With it being over twice the limit, they got 5 days in jail.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess my thought about Audrey is that she admitted that she was in denial for a very very long time, and even though she thought MM should work, in reality, it was just one more way of assisting herself in denial.
Just my .02
I agree, anyone can relapse at any time, it's up to them.
Just my .02
I agree, anyone can relapse at any time, it's up to them.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Blowing .34 is VERY serious. According to this article, if she had just one more drink things could have taken a tragic turn. Take a look at the chart for Women, it will give you an idea just how many drinks she had consumed.
Blood Alcohol Concentration - In The Know Zone
As others have said, she has to admit that she has a problem. No one could have told me to stop drinking before I was ready. I had to admit to myself that I was the problem.... which is Step 1 in AA.
I am very sorry that you are experiencing this pain and hope that your sister will realize that she is not able to drink 'normally'.
Blood Alcohol Concentration - In The Know Zone
As others have said, she has to admit that she has a problem. No one could have told me to stop drinking before I was ready. I had to admit to myself that I was the problem.... which is Step 1 in AA.
I am very sorry that you are experiencing this pain and hope that your sister will realize that she is not able to drink 'normally'.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I am so sorry for the turmoil you and your family must be feeling. It certainly sounds as if your sister's life has become unmanageable. How is your family's relationship with her husband? Are you comfortable talking with him to see if the divorce is related to her drinking? IDK if talking with him would change anything, but it might give you a clearer picture of what's going on?
It's great that she is seeing a therapist to help her deal with the pending divorce, her depression, and suicidal thoughts. As long as she's being upfront, her T should be able to give her tools to manage her depression and direct her to additional help if needed. However, a small note is that alcohol is a depressant, so while she's still drinking, it's going to really hard for her to manage her depression.
I agree with others here: the attorney's job is to work the best possible outcome for his client, your sister, just because he might be able to present it a certain way during the case doesn't really have any connection to whether or not your sister has problem with alcohol. So I definitely wouldn't let that sway anything.
What can you do? Keep seeking support for yourself. Ask questions as they come up, either here at SR or at Alanon or other support group. I found the book Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam incredibly helpful. I went through a very severe period of depression while working through custody issues with AXH. My sister said the following book helped her while she was trying to be supportive of me: When Someone You Love is Depressed by Rosen and Amador.
It's great that she is seeing a therapist to help her deal with the pending divorce, her depression, and suicidal thoughts. As long as she's being upfront, her T should be able to give her tools to manage her depression and direct her to additional help if needed. However, a small note is that alcohol is a depressant, so while she's still drinking, it's going to really hard for her to manage her depression.
I agree with others here: the attorney's job is to work the best possible outcome for his client, your sister, just because he might be able to present it a certain way during the case doesn't really have any connection to whether or not your sister has problem with alcohol. So I definitely wouldn't let that sway anything.
What can you do? Keep seeking support for yourself. Ask questions as they come up, either here at SR or at Alanon or other support group. I found the book Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam incredibly helpful. I went through a very severe period of depression while working through custody issues with AXH. My sister said the following book helped her while she was trying to be supportive of me: When Someone You Love is Depressed by Rosen and Amador.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 13
Transparency
This is difficult. I should, in the interests of transparency, reveal that this post is about my wife. I have been visiting SR multiple times every day for months now and, although I rarely post, it has given me enormous understanding and strength. So thank you to all the regular posters for that.
I will take a break from SR now; it is time for my wife's family to learn what you all have to offer.
I will take a break from SR now; it is time for my wife's family to learn what you all have to offer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by pflorida
This is difficult. I should, in the interests of transparency, reveal that this post is about my wife. I have been visiting SR multiple times every day for months now and, although I rarely post, it has given me enormous understanding and strength. So thank you to all the regular posters for that.
I will take a break from SR now; it is time for my wife's family to learn what you all have to offer.
I will take a break from SR now; it is time for my wife's family to learn what you all have to offer.
Please don't back too far away from SR though, not during a crisis. (((((((HUGS)))))))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by pflorida
I will take a break from SR now; it is time for my wife's family to learn what you all have to offer.
Keep coming back, everything is going to be okay
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