Sad news
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Sad news
Hi friends, I could use a little support from you wonderful folks -
I have been no contact with XABF and his dear mom for almost a year, and have moved on with my life, 100%.
XABF's mom called out of the blue this morning (apologizing first) to tell me she hadn't heard from X in well over a week, couldn't reach him, and that she was afraid for his life and desperate for answers. (They typically stay in very close touch.)
I encouraged her to call police to do a well check, as she lives 3000 miles away and is elderly, but she did it once before and it was a disaster; cops ransacked his place. Finally, his (1) friend in the area got him to answer the door, though he wouldn't let him in, and sure enough, X is in very bad shape (again).
None of this is a surprise to me, but I feel so very, very sad for her, and for him - truly. Apparently, he had been doing better, working a program, starting to heal, meetings, sponsor, moved to a new place, etc.
How do parents cope? I am a mom, too, and her intense pain was palpable over the phone. She thought he was lying dead in his apt, and that no one would know until the neighbors started to smell it. God!
I won't get wrapped up in it again, ever. But I gotta say, I have been in a pretty dark place today. I had let myself believe that he was on a better path; not to return to me, but just because he deserves it. And now I have all this new information that is kind of messing with my mind and heart. I know you all understand.
I suppose I could block her number, but that feels cruel and inhuman. She is a lovely woman, we used to be friends. He is a beautiful, brilliant, lost soul; an intractable alcoholic; not an evil, abusive creep.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It really does help to get it out.
I have been no contact with XABF and his dear mom for almost a year, and have moved on with my life, 100%.
XABF's mom called out of the blue this morning (apologizing first) to tell me she hadn't heard from X in well over a week, couldn't reach him, and that she was afraid for his life and desperate for answers. (They typically stay in very close touch.)
I encouraged her to call police to do a well check, as she lives 3000 miles away and is elderly, but she did it once before and it was a disaster; cops ransacked his place. Finally, his (1) friend in the area got him to answer the door, though he wouldn't let him in, and sure enough, X is in very bad shape (again).
None of this is a surprise to me, but I feel so very, very sad for her, and for him - truly. Apparently, he had been doing better, working a program, starting to heal, meetings, sponsor, moved to a new place, etc.
How do parents cope? I am a mom, too, and her intense pain was palpable over the phone. She thought he was lying dead in his apt, and that no one would know until the neighbors started to smell it. God!
I won't get wrapped up in it again, ever. But I gotta say, I have been in a pretty dark place today. I had let myself believe that he was on a better path; not to return to me, but just because he deserves it. And now I have all this new information that is kind of messing with my mind and heart. I know you all understand.
I suppose I could block her number, but that feels cruel and inhuman. She is a lovely woman, we used to be friends. He is a beautiful, brilliant, lost soul; an intractable alcoholic; not an evil, abusive creep.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It really does help to get it out.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by spiderqueen 
Hi friends, I could use a little support from you wonderful folks -
I have been no contact with XABF and his dear mom for almost a year, and have moved on with my life, 100%.
XABF's mom called out of the blue this morning (apologizing first) to tell me she hadn't heard from X in well over a week, couldn't reach him, and that she was afraid for his life and desperate for answers. (They typically stay in very close touch.)
I encouraged her to call police to do a well check, as she lives 3000 miles away and is elderly, but she did it once before and it was a disaster; cops ransacked his place. Finally, his (1) friend in the area got him to answer the door, though he wouldn't let him in, and sure enough, X is in very bad shape (again).
None of this is a surprise to me, but I feel so very, very sad for her, and for him - truly. Apparently, he had been doing better, working a program, starting to heal, meetings, sponsor, moved to a new place, etc.
How do parents cope? I am a mom, too, and her intense pain was palpable over the phone. She thought he was lying dead in his apt, and that no one would know until the neighbors started to smell it. God!
I won't get wrapped up in it again, ever. But I gotta say, I have been in a pretty dark place today. I had let myself believe that he was on a better path; not to return to me, but just because he deserves it. And now I have all this new information that is kind of messing with my mind and heart. I know you all understand.
I suppose I could block her number, but that feels cruel and inhuman. She is a lovely woman, we used to be friends. He is a beautiful, brilliant, lost soul; an intractable alcoholic; not an evil, abusive creep.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It really does help to get it out.
I have been no contact with XABF and his dear mom for almost a year, and have moved on with my life, 100%.
XABF's mom called out of the blue this morning (apologizing first) to tell me she hadn't heard from X in well over a week, couldn't reach him, and that she was afraid for his life and desperate for answers. (They typically stay in very close touch.)
I encouraged her to call police to do a well check, as she lives 3000 miles away and is elderly, but she did it once before and it was a disaster; cops ransacked his place. Finally, his (1) friend in the area got him to answer the door, though he wouldn't let him in, and sure enough, X is in very bad shape (again).
None of this is a surprise to me, but I feel so very, very sad for her, and for him - truly. Apparently, he had been doing better, working a program, starting to heal, meetings, sponsor, moved to a new place, etc.
How do parents cope? I am a mom, too, and her intense pain was palpable over the phone. She thought he was lying dead in his apt, and that no one would know until the neighbors started to smell it. God!
I won't get wrapped up in it again, ever. But I gotta say, I have been in a pretty dark place today. I had let myself believe that he was on a better path; not to return to me, but just because he deserves it. And now I have all this new information that is kind of messing with my mind and heart. I know you all understand.
I suppose I could block her number, but that feels cruel and inhuman. She is a lovely woman, we used to be friends. He is a beautiful, brilliant, lost soul; an intractable alcoholic; not an evil, abusive creep.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It really does help to get it out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Que;
I do live near him. But she was in no way trying to suck me back in; she just felt at her wit's absolute end, and thought if I accompanied police/fire dept, they might not act so aggressively.? Gratefully, his friend came through instead.
She knew and loved my daughters, and understood how I had to go to save myself, and them. We always supported each other as best we could.
Good question, though. I'm sure she wishes I could save him. I would wish that too, if he were my son.
I do live near him. But she was in no way trying to suck me back in; she just felt at her wit's absolute end, and thought if I accompanied police/fire dept, they might not act so aggressively.? Gratefully, his friend came through instead.
She knew and loved my daughters, and understood how I had to go to save myself, and them. We always supported each other as best we could.
Good question, though. I'm sure she wishes I could save him. I would wish that too, if he were my son.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Spiderqueen
Our situations sound similar, although I saw my mate as recently as last week.
His mother has been calling me pretty regularly over the holidays, and reading between the lines, I can sense that she is very worried about him.
His family is very addictive. Mother is in prescription sedatives and painkillers as is one sister. Sister's husband drinks and smokes pot. Other sister might be an alcoholic.
Mother and I have never had a candid conversation about why my mate and I are separated. This could be extremely dicey. Part of it is his alcoholism, but not all of it.
Frankly, no one in that family has given me any indicators that they are interested in trying to help with his alcohol problem, as in an intervention. If they make that move towards me, I guess we can proceed from there.
I am glad you can be there to support your ex's mom, as long as it doesn't drag you down too.
Our situations sound similar, although I saw my mate as recently as last week.
His mother has been calling me pretty regularly over the holidays, and reading between the lines, I can sense that she is very worried about him.
His family is very addictive. Mother is in prescription sedatives and painkillers as is one sister. Sister's husband drinks and smokes pot. Other sister might be an alcoholic.
Mother and I have never had a candid conversation about why my mate and I are separated. This could be extremely dicey. Part of it is his alcoholism, but not all of it.
Frankly, no one in that family has given me any indicators that they are interested in trying to help with his alcohol problem, as in an intervention. If they make that move towards me, I guess we can proceed from there.
I am glad you can be there to support your ex's mom, as long as it doesn't drag you down too.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Frankly, no one in that family has given me any indicators that they are interested in trying to help with his alcohol problem, as in an intervention. If they make that move towards me, I guess we can proceed from there.
It was both a support, and an extra weight to us that we suffered his sickness together. We were partners in codie-land, until we realized we weren't helping him, or ourselves.
It is better than denial, though. That is downright crazy-making.
Tread carefully if you do engage with the family around your mate's addiction, Eauchiche, and try to keep your focus primarily on you, your well being, growth, joy and life's work. Because those are things you can truly influence and benefit from, whether he seeks sobriety or not.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Thank you so much for posting this Spiderqueen. I relate and seeing your post tonight really helped me.
I broke up with my ex over a year and a half ago. Like your ex, he was initially doing really well, living in a sober house with a supportive community. It made it so much easier being apart from him knowing he was safe and getting well.
He recently went back to his old ways a few months ago. I wasn't surprised but I was disappointed. He tried to paint a different picture, but 10 years with him taught me a lot about reading between his lines/lies. I finally blocked his number recently because I just can't be a part of his life, his pain and destructiveness tears me apart. It's been hard. He still "loves me".
My mind wanders sometimes to a big fear of mine...will he die of an overdose, alone and deeply broken? The sadness I have seen in his eyes... I wish I could have helped him, but there was truly nothing I could do. I finally realized he was determined to commit a slow suicide with or without me. It started way before i knew him. I couldn't compete, I couldn't love him enough. It's some of the deepest pain I have ever felt. He is also a brilliant, beautiful lost soul in many ways. I loved him intensely. But he can also be evil, emotionally abusive and a creep. Humans are complicated.
I don't really have any advice but I understand how harsh today must have been. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would be deeply upset by a phone call like this. Which I suppose is a big part of why I blocked his number. I simply can't bear the pain anymore and I can't stop him from creating it.
I broke up with my ex over a year and a half ago. Like your ex, he was initially doing really well, living in a sober house with a supportive community. It made it so much easier being apart from him knowing he was safe and getting well.
He recently went back to his old ways a few months ago. I wasn't surprised but I was disappointed. He tried to paint a different picture, but 10 years with him taught me a lot about reading between his lines/lies. I finally blocked his number recently because I just can't be a part of his life, his pain and destructiveness tears me apart. It's been hard. He still "loves me".
My mind wanders sometimes to a big fear of mine...will he die of an overdose, alone and deeply broken? The sadness I have seen in his eyes... I wish I could have helped him, but there was truly nothing I could do. I finally realized he was determined to commit a slow suicide with or without me. It started way before i knew him. I couldn't compete, I couldn't love him enough. It's some of the deepest pain I have ever felt. He is also a brilliant, beautiful lost soul in many ways. I loved him intensely. But he can also be evil, emotionally abusive and a creep. Humans are complicated.
I don't really have any advice but I understand how harsh today must have been. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would be deeply upset by a phone call like this. Which I suppose is a big part of why I blocked his number. I simply can't bear the pain anymore and I can't stop him from creating it.
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Originally Posted by Shutterbug1
My mind wanders sometimes to a big fear of mine...will he die of an overdose, alone and deeply broken? The sadness I have seen in his eyes... I wish I could have helped him, but there was truly nothing I could do. I finally realized he was determined to commit a slow suicide with or without me. It started way before i knew him. I couldn't compete, I couldn't love him enough. It's some of the deepest pain I have ever felt. He is also a brilliant, beautiful lost soul in many ways. I loved him intensely. But he can also be evil, emotionally abusive and a creep. Humans are complicated.
Thank you all. I am now crying with gratitude instead of sorrow.
Much better!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
You're living my worst fear today Spiderqueen. My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry, and so terrified at the same time.
I know this day is coming for my ex as well, and like yours, he wasn't a cruel, heartless jerk in any way, shape or form, but he was so very broken and lost. I wanted so badly to pull him out of the dark hole that was consuming his beautiful soul, but I couldn't. I tried so, so, so hard.
This is the most hideous, God awful disease. It's so unfair and brutal to everyone involved.
Hugs, my friend. My thoughts are so with you tonight.
I know this day is coming for my ex as well, and like yours, he wasn't a cruel, heartless jerk in any way, shape or form, but he was so very broken and lost. I wanted so badly to pull him out of the dark hole that was consuming his beautiful soul, but I couldn't. I tried so, so, so hard.
This is the most hideous, God awful disease. It's so unfair and brutal to everyone involved.
Hugs, my friend. My thoughts are so with you tonight.
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Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo
This is the most hideous, God awful disease. It's so unfair and brutal to everyone involved.
This made me think about my MIL. She's so disconnected from my STBXAH, her son. She lives thousands of miles away, and they only have short conversations every few weeks. Their disfunction runs deep, and they have no real ability to communicate with any honesty at all. I know he lies to her about how he's doing. He wouldn't know how to do anything else.
She may have made a lot of mistakes as a mother, but she loves him, and I know she must worry about him. I could never turn my back on her if she called me.
SpiderQueen, thanks for your post. It reminded me to get out of my own head for a bit. I'm not the only one hurt by this. Not by a long shot. I'll be thinking about my MIL tonight. And yours. Prayers for them both.
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So sorry spiderqueen. I can't imagine. I haven't allowed my mind to go to what the possibilities are if my AH doesn't quit and fully recover. I'm not ready for that thought.
I know you're faced with a heart wrenching dilemma. You don't sound like you want to totally cut his mom off. Is there anyway you can nudge her to alanon? Is she already going to alanon?
I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're feeling. I know that this isn't your problem nor should you be made to feel it is your problem. You do what you are comfortable with minus any guilt. Hugs
I know you're faced with a heart wrenching dilemma. You don't sound like you want to totally cut his mom off. Is there anyway you can nudge her to alanon? Is she already going to alanon?
I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're feeling. I know that this isn't your problem nor should you be made to feel it is your problem. You do what you are comfortable with minus any guilt. Hugs
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Spider,
If she is elderly and doesn't bother you, you like her and she only calls once a blue moon, I might just let her keep calling and you choose to answer or not. Personally, I would not block her number unless she is trying to manipulate you to save him.
If she is elderly and doesn't bother you, you like her and she only calls once a blue moon, I might just let her keep calling and you choose to answer or not. Personally, I would not block her number unless she is trying to manipulate you to save him.
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While my response isn't related to alcoholism perse', other things besides addictions can cause the same recovery needs. My brother has pretty much alienated himself from his family. He managed to do so one by one over time. The first being me and the last being our mother. And there was many in between the 1st to last.
My brother, whom I had had no contact with for years, called me out of the blue to get help with a felony arrest that he was facing. My 1st response to him was, I will consider helping you but you have to tell me the truth about what happened. You have one chance at this. And he proceeded to lie about it. At which time, I said I can't help you. But I told him I will not tell mom of this. At 82 she didn't need to hear she had a son who was a felon. And that was the best deal I could offer him. Instead of being thankful I offered that, he rationalized that since I wasn't going to tell her, he could then con mom out of money to pay his legal expenses. His con was he needed help with a down payment on a house. Which caused the bank to call me as I have to approve major expenditures and gifting activities. Otherwise he would have pulled it off. Now I have to explain to mom what really happened to make him need money and the fact that she was being conned. Which sealed his fate after that. All his own doing.
My mom still tries to be a mom even though she knows that by staying in contact with him will cause pain. She still doesn't want to think of her son lying there alone at night with nobody around him. Or maybe he is in jail or etc. While we don't know if there is addictions involved, he certainly has a had a similar end result.
Mom will try to learn by way of her grandchildren if her son is at least alive and working and out of trouble. His kids can't respond with much as they know little about him as well. Mom still calls me in tears sometimes thinking about the son she lost. Not to try and mend fences, but just as someone to talk to about it. It is particularly hard for her at holidays....like birthdays and mothers day.
Parents try to be responsible for how their children turn out in life. Certainly considered Codie behavior. Not sure if parents should get a pass on it or not. Just relating to how hard this has to be for your ex's mom to deal with.
Don't shut her out, but treat her as a recovering family member. You don't have to be "IN" her life to help her in life.
I know nothing of my brothers status in life. In the meantime, my mom still mourns losing her son. So I talk about him in 3rd person terms when she needs to talk about it. He hasn't been my "brother" for years, but I can still speak about him as a human being with troubles that are doing him in. It helps my mom that I can ground her when she needs it.
My brother, whom I had had no contact with for years, called me out of the blue to get help with a felony arrest that he was facing. My 1st response to him was, I will consider helping you but you have to tell me the truth about what happened. You have one chance at this. And he proceeded to lie about it. At which time, I said I can't help you. But I told him I will not tell mom of this. At 82 she didn't need to hear she had a son who was a felon. And that was the best deal I could offer him. Instead of being thankful I offered that, he rationalized that since I wasn't going to tell her, he could then con mom out of money to pay his legal expenses. His con was he needed help with a down payment on a house. Which caused the bank to call me as I have to approve major expenditures and gifting activities. Otherwise he would have pulled it off. Now I have to explain to mom what really happened to make him need money and the fact that she was being conned. Which sealed his fate after that. All his own doing.
My mom still tries to be a mom even though she knows that by staying in contact with him will cause pain. She still doesn't want to think of her son lying there alone at night with nobody around him. Or maybe he is in jail or etc. While we don't know if there is addictions involved, he certainly has a had a similar end result.
Mom will try to learn by way of her grandchildren if her son is at least alive and working and out of trouble. His kids can't respond with much as they know little about him as well. Mom still calls me in tears sometimes thinking about the son she lost. Not to try and mend fences, but just as someone to talk to about it. It is particularly hard for her at holidays....like birthdays and mothers day.
Parents try to be responsible for how their children turn out in life. Certainly considered Codie behavior. Not sure if parents should get a pass on it or not. Just relating to how hard this has to be for your ex's mom to deal with.
Don't shut her out, but treat her as a recovering family member. You don't have to be "IN" her life to help her in life.
I know nothing of my brothers status in life. In the meantime, my mom still mourns losing her son. So I talk about him in 3rd person terms when she needs to talk about it. He hasn't been my "brother" for years, but I can still speak about him as a human being with troubles that are doing him in. It helps my mom that I can ground her when she needs it.
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Originally Posted by Katchie
I know you're faced with a heart wrenching dilemma. You don't sound like you want to totally cut his mom off. Is there anyway you can nudge her to alanon? Is she already going to alanon?
She has been to Alanon, but doesn't go regularly. I told her about SR back when I joined, as well - she is totally computer savvy.
Last night I saw The Theory of Everything (the story of Stephen Hawking), and was going to recommend it to her in a brief email today. She loves movies, and the film is very uplifting. And then maybe remind her about Alanon, and taking care of herself.
I think it will help me to put that out there. (And it might help her?)
And then I will, once again, let it go.
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SpiderQueen 
I'm just so sorry.
It is hard...my stepson was missing and out of contact for a few months. He frequently lost his ID or had it stolen when he was running and gunning. We worried he was dead with no ID on him. So, we began searching the website for the missing and unclaimed deceased. It really is not a good place to be, you and his mom will be in my prayers.
I'm just so sorry.
It is hard...my stepson was missing and out of contact for a few months. He frequently lost his ID or had it stolen when he was running and gunning. We worried he was dead with no ID on him. So, we began searching the website for the missing and unclaimed deceased. It really is not a good place to be, you and his mom will be in my prayers.
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Seren, that is so so sad. I am praying for everyone here at SR that is affected by addiction.
Originally Posted by Seren
SpiderQueen
I'm just so sorry.
It is hard...my stepson was missing and out of contact for a few months. He frequently lost his ID or had it stolen when he was running and gunning. We worried he was dead with no ID on him. So, we began searching the website for the missing and unclaimed deceased. It really is not a good place to be, you and his mom will be in my prayers.
I'm just so sorry.
It is hard...my stepson was missing and out of contact for a few months. He frequently lost his ID or had it stolen when he was running and gunning. We worried he was dead with no ID on him. So, we began searching the website for the missing and unclaimed deceased. It really is not a good place to be, you and his mom will be in my prayers.
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