charis78

I'm pretty sure he has blocked me already. I'm just so tired of it.

GracieLou

I heard something today that I think applies here.

"I will not let your discomfort over a request or question stop me from requesting or asking"

It is true. We deserve honesty and if he can't be honest on his own or forth coming on his own then don't be afraid to ask. Remember, his reaction is not your fault. He is responsible for that.

You can't walk on egg shells while you worry and wonder. That gets us no place and they can continue to hide and blame us for caring enough to ask. They don't see it as caring, they see it as an accusation and they see it that way because they are not in recovery. They are still in denial.

Oh sweetie, that has nothing to do with it, it really doesn't.

His alcoholism will win no matter what he feels, it will win every time. I know, I am a recovering alcoholic. It is not that we don't love or we don't feel, we do but we want and need the alcohol/drug more. It will come first, always.

I could not see that until I got sober and he won't either. It has nothing to do with you, it is him and his drug or alcohol use, believe that!

I loved people and I let them walk away from me and I blamed them and I just drank more to wash that away. I was not washing the pain away because they left, even though I said that at the time, I was drinking away the fact that I could not or did not want to stop drinking. I did not want to change and if not changing meant they left, then I watched them leave.

Get that 98% and add the 2% to it and go NC. The longer you are away the better it will get for you.

NWGRITS

Yes, his drinking isn't about you at all. Him contacting you again probably wasn't about you, either. Alcoholics need enablers as much as they need the alcohol. You'll work until you start showing some backbone, then it's either beat you into submission or find another compliant enabler. It's not about you at all. Take that 98% and ruin with it. You deserve so much better. I just saw another post from shellcrusher on another thread that said, "I'd start working on another relationship, with myself". That's where true healing begins. (((Hugs)))

Shellcrusher

There's some casual sayings that float around these parts. Not sure if they're legit Alanon slogans but this one helped me through many situations similar to what you're sharing, Charis.

The A's and the loved ones around them, tend to live in a world of crisis. Big ones. Small ones.

Don't create a crisis.
Don't participate in the crisis.

When all else fails, keep your efin mouth shut.

(Said to me. Not me saying that to you)

I learned it from a double winner and it's saved my hide and helped me fix my insanity beyond expression.

Rosalba

I found the only way to get closure and focus on my own life was to stop all contact with my ex. It was a little while between us splitting up and me getting all my stuff from his house, and he was completely inconsistent in a way which would have been a complete mind**** if I'd paid any attention to him.

For me, it was a relief to get rid of all that toxic stuff and I had no urge to contact him at all. For you, it may be more difficult but - as with the alcoholic and alcohol - it will probably be most beneficial to cut him out of your life completely. If it's very painful, make sure you get lots of support and reassurance.

Just don't go looking to get it from him.