Jane11

Arghhhhh I need a massive chill pill right about NOW!!!!

I hate that I seem to come here and bitch and whine and vent and its all negative and here I am again doing the same thing and I'm sick of myself so everyone in the world must be sick of me too!!!

Cut a long story short (or not as I'm no good at that) but have been messaging him and basically last few days have been him telling me how he's focusing on his health and his appearance is really bothering him as his hairline is bad and his teeth are and its because if booze and he wants to do something about it and has been researching blah blah.

I tell him wow that's your priority right now that's amazing, you don't want to actually get on a programme, in his words he wants me to 'draw a line' and 'let it go' with all the negative **** so we can properly move on together and he understands I feel let down, vulnerable etc but we've gotta move on.

Then back to him and his Fu*#ing looks and how I don't get self esteem is a massive thing for him and makes him depressed makes him drink more and he wants to sort his looks out.

Am I massively overreacting when I say that seriously wtf this is a priority right now and this is what you're spending your time researching when I have spent months researching alcoholism, how to help him, sending him info, going to doctors, listening to him, the whole shebang and has he ever once listened to me, what's going on with me, how I might need help- No!!!! Because its all about him.

Now I have to listen to him talking about his looks and am made to feel bad that I don't 'get' this is a big deal to him??!!

I'm seriously absolutely raging right now and I know this shouldn't be the case and I need to disengage and detach but I can't because I'm just soooo massively pissed off that this is what he thinks is important to focus on and talk about!!!

As an added extra I told him last night (don't even know why I bothered) I would be joining a fitness class and all hell broke loose- I'm a slag, I'm doing it to meet guys, bet the guy instructor will be all over me, I'm just moving on he needs to aswell.

I'm moving on? No I'm not, I'm living in a city I don't wanna be in, away from my best friend, too traumatised to contemplate working as I can't even get out of bed some days and I'm moving on?? Seriously!!!

Sorry this is just a massive rant but I'm just like wtf is he actually serious- his hair and teeth are what he makes a priority right now and spends time researching and I'm supposed to feel bad because it makes him depressed??

The icing on the cake is that if I ever used to not want to go anywhere just straight out of bed, no make up or sort my hair or anything I was shallow and vain and I'm also shallow and vain because I like to take care of my skin and buy mid range cosmetics and beauty products and was told I should get my priorities straight and not be so materialistic and vain!!! What a huge hypocrite- of course if I say this to him it's just avoided.

The last thing I said was that I will leave him to sort his priorities and he's messaged me about 10 times since and I just don't even want to look because I don't want to give him the satisfaction that I'm even getting emotional in any way about what he's saying.

Sometimes I think I'm doing so well and just respond with if that's what he thinks, or very mundane responses to avoid getting into any kind of discussion but this has just really wound me up.

I feel like telling him what a self centred a€€hole he is but then I will just feel guilty for being mean- argh!!!!

After everything he's done this is what he thinks is important- I would say I'm speechless but I'm clearly not and I don't even know why it surprises me that he thinks like this. Stealing money, selling his families things, drunk driving offence, drinking through the whole relationship, emotional abuse, physical abuse, threatening me and my family etc etc and I am expected to 'let it go' and he wants to talk about his physical appearance??!!

I need a punchbag!

freetosmile

Jane-

Refresh me- this is your ex? or not ex yet? Or what is the status between you two again?

Jane11

Hi fts,

I'm not even sure what I would classify us as tbh.

I moved from the place we were living together a few months back after a big altercation and we have seen each other once in this time since because I have refused to see him when he has been on and off the booze, we were speaking regularly but I barred him from calling me as he was being abusive and I couldn't take him calling me at all hours and constantly.

I've said it's over, he's said it's over but then always goes back on it and says he wants it to work. I don't even know what we are and that makes the whole thing even more insane doesn't it? And as I write it I just think wow I'm such an idiot!!

I guess I feel like it's not 'over' until we have zero contact?

freetosmile

First of all you aren't an idiot- I got in BIG trouble with Dandylion for all my negative talk! I'm working on being gentle with myself. You might want to try this as well.

Second of all- it sounds like when you say "move on" it means get past the BS to continue the relationship? correct me if I'm wrong on that one.

Just remember that his receding hairline and health problems are going to continue to get worse with the drinking. So I would just chuckle about this. You hit the nail on the head when you said he was focusing on the wrong things!! BIG TIME!

I'm learning to just breathe and say "ok". Don't engage with this person. And to continue telling him how hurt you are isn't going to make a difference. It never does with my AH. It just leaves ME more empty and broken. So save yourself the trouble of engaging in his BS.

Breathe girlie, your not an idiot. You are just sick. We both are. Codependency is a new thing to me, but I'm learning all I can about it so I can have the tools in my toolbox to not let this crap effect me the way it used to.

Hang in there. they keep telling me it gets better.

Hawkeye13

You got it.

Change your number or block him.
What possible benefit are you getting from interacting with this person
who is more interested in his hairline than in dealing with his alcoholism?

Plus, he offers the added benefit of verbal abuse of you and attempts to control
you and your actions from a distance.

Sounds like a lose-lose to me

Shutterbug1

I agree with Hawkeye! If you don't live with him, you can block his number. Close the hatch and lock it up. Somebody on here said in a post once...no contact means no new hurts...that made a huge impact on my thinking. You are in control here, you can stop it at anytime.

dandylion

Jane....your anger is telling you something. It is telling you that your needs are not being met in this relationship.

Like going to the hardware store to get a loaf of bread.

There a LOT of men in this world who are grounded enough to treat a mate the way a person should be treated.
Seriously, do you think that this man is the only one that you could be happy with?....LOL! you aren't even happy with him....

Don't you think you are worth more than this.....?

dandylion

dandylion

freetosmile.....LOL! I have noticed that you are being very careful not to "badmouth" yourself.

And, I am very proud of you. It says that you are trying to make positive changes sooo hard!! You have been working so hard.
This is precisely how I know that you are going to make it through all this.
You have got the right spirit.

dandylion

Turtle82

Don't reach for chaos. This is JMHO and, as a RA, I don't even know if I should be speaking here but... yeh, there's that "but"...... my view is that you keep reaching for it to keep yourself too busy for introspection and tending to YOU which is the only way you're going to get on and stay on your path to peace. There are plenty of ways to avoid seeing or hearing from him... do them.... block, delete BEFORE reading, etc and if you have a problem doing that think about WHY and don't include HIM in the answer.

AnvilheadII

what GOOD are you getting out of this interaction? why not just STOP? save your sanity.

NotSoSmart

Jane, I understand b/c I have gone back and drank from the poisoned well a few times. Today I put myself in a position to get hurt and disappointed. But what is different is that I understand that I'm seeking something from someone not capable of giving it. When I go poking my head around there, it is with full understanding that it is my choice and getting hurt is a real probability. I will continue to do it until I simply do not want to anymore.

Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. You'll stop with him when you're ready. It sounds like you're pretty close to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Examine what you're getting out of continuing to interact with him.. what are your expectations/wishes, etc. For me i felt lonely, so I went to my ex thinking there would be solace for me. Its what i'm used to - but I know I have to do something different if I want something different. She can't help me; she can't even help herself.

your ex is living his life in a manner you don't agree with, but he has the right to do it. We have to give them the dignity to follow their own paths, even if they are completely insane, silly or we know no good will come of it.