FlippedRHalo

I know I'm supposed to worry about me and I am trying with all I have to do that, but I can't stop thinking about everything that has happened and how it all happened. I mean, we were planning our wedding. We were in love. What the h*ll happened? How did this all happen?

I hate myself for even admitting this, but I'm devastated that he isn't trying to contact me anymore. It's like he just gave us up, and what we had, without a fight. It's so impossibly painful to go from living with someone every day, having them such a huge part of your life every single moment, texting all day at work to...nothing. It's just all a bunch of nothing now. And this is what I wanted 2 months ago. Now I have it and I'm crumbling. I don't want to WANT to contact him. I know where it will lead. But I don't want to feel like this anymore either.

The questions just won't stop running through my mind. How could he choose alcohol over us? How could he choose what he told me was ruining his life, making him feel like he hated himself and all of the other heartbreaking things he said about his drinking. He'd get drunk and sob about how much he hated himself. He'd beg me never to walk away from him. I'd promise him that I wouldn't as long as he tried to get sober. He didn't really try. Or maybe he did and I didn't give him the credit he deserved. Is stopping for a week or two trying? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore except I miss us, I miss him, I miss the great times we had, I miss the loving moments we had and as time goes on, I seem to forget more and more about the bad that happened. I'm questioning if anything really was that bad. While we were together, he never said a cruel word to me. He treated me with love and respect for the most part. He'd do anything to keep me happy, except stop drinking for more than a week or two at a time. At the time when we had the final talk, I KNEW that I couldn't live that life. I KNEW that he was an alcoholic that wasn't ready to quit drinking and get his life together. I KNEW all of this so solidly in my mind. Now, over a month later, I'm crumbling?? I don't understand?

Someone please tell me that this is a normal part of it? Tell me I'm not crazy. I don't understand what is going on and why the past few days have been this hard? I was doing better in the beginning of it all and now, now I'm panicking. Now, everything and anything reminds me of him, of us, of what he had, of what we lost. I know this is for the best deep down. I know I could never have a real marriage with an alcoholic that can't show his feelings unless he's drinking. I know I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone that couldn't even talk without taking it all as a direct insult and shut down. Someone that couldn't remember what we talked about, or what he told me the day before because either he was drunk or because his mind is so affected by alcohol that his short term memory is shot to pieces. I know that as much as he wanted us to have a child, that our child would have lived a sad life, like the one I had to endure with my alcoholic parents. I mean, he'd sit and a parking lot and drink whiskey so that he could come home and drink more and I wouldn't know exactly how much he's had. He'd drive drunk although I'd plead, beg and cry for him not to after losing my baby brother in a drunk driving accident. How can I be sad over losing this? Why does this relationship seem so drastically hard to get over? Why didn't he want to straighten his life out and not lose me? God, this hurts too much. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ok. I feel like I don't know how he could have ever cared if he's letting it go so easily. I feel like I'm not getting over this fast enough, or the right way, and that maybe I never will. I'm sick of walking around hurt. I'm tired of pretending I'm not as hurt as I am.

And then I think that maybe he's healthier than I am. He's the alcoholic with the problem, yet he's able to just walk away and seems to be doing better than I am because I'm here struggling and crying to all of you while he's just...I don't know...getting on with his life without me in it apparently a lot better than I am without him. How does it work this way? I want to be angry. I want to hate him to help me get past this but I can't. WHY? I just feel guilty for making him leave and sad that I wasn't enough to help him want to help himself so we could stay together. I feel like he needed me and I bailed on him.

I'm fighting so hard with myself right now. It's like there is a war going on inside of me and nobody is winning. It's just a never ending battle going on and on with no winner.

spiderqueen

You knew then, and you know now. You are simply grieving the very real loss of a love, of a future, of plans and hopes and dreams, however unlikely they were to work out as you had hoped.

My friend, an "alcoholic that isn't ready to quit" is in no way healthier than you. Whereas you are thrashing around in your pain, reaching out for solace and support, and experiencing the normal, healthy roller coaster of emotions and loss, your XA is no doubt numbing himself, and drowning his sorrows in the bottle.

Ask yourself honestly, which life would you prefer?

I'm sorry you're in pain, I understand it intimately. 2 years ago I could have written your post word for bloody word.

FLipped, I can promise you this: As you start focusing on YOU, your passions, your work, your family, exercising regularly, eating well, going to concerts, museums, church; whatever you find diverting and comforting, YOU WILL HEAL. And wonderful things await you. I am living proof.

xo Spider

FlippedRHalo

Thank you Spider, you have no idea how much I needed to hear what you just wrote. I'm still sobbing like a baby, but your understanding words meant so much and have brought me some very needed peace. I know I'm making the right decision, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I just keep praying to God to help both him and me.

I have friends coming over tomorrow night, both who've been there and done it. I need to stop isolating and start getting out of my own head. It's so hard, I just want to hide from the world and lick my wounds, but being alone with all of this is too much sometimes. I feel like I should be doing a lot better at this point and I needed to hear that this was a normal part of the grieving process.

Thank you.

SeriousKarma

Well said.

For me it's as though I've had to watch my STBXAH stolen away by some sort of demonic possession. That might be a little over dramatic, but you know what I mean. Early in the marriage I assumed he would fight it. We would fight it together. I may get over my marriage ending. I'm sure I will. I may fall in love again. I'm sure I will. But I don't know if I'll ever get over the fact that he gave up, or perhaps I should say gave in to those demons.

Maybe it's just pride, but I don't think so. I think it's just a deep hurt that someone I valued so much and a marriage I valued so much wasn't valued in the same way in return.

But I own that hurt. I wear it like a badge of honor. Because it's what truly separates me from him, the active addict. I can hurt, and I can love, in a way that he's just not capable of. I want the highs to be high even if it means lower lows.

Flipped, I think you answer a lot of your own questions. You know you didn't just break it off willy-nilly. He wasn't going to get better. He wasn't going to fight the good fight with you. He was doing the same thing my STBXAH was doing early in our relationship. Setting it up for disaster. Setting you up for disaster.

I'm sorry this happened to you, hon. I'm sorry it happened to me too. But we're both going to be ok. Whatever happens to them is up to them. We're going to be fine.

((((((( hugs )))))))

ubntubnt

hi, I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and I truly hope the situation improves for you in time.
As a recovering alcoholic I would just like to revisit one thing that maybe you have heard many times before. An alcoholic does not choose between alcohol and something or someone in their life and your ex did not choose alcohol over you.
Alcohol literally fogs up the alcoholics head in a way that they cannot see that there is a choice to be made. They either don't understand that they have a problem, or understand the nature of the problem or understand what the choices are until it is too late. Its not rational to someone who is not an alcoholic but drugs are not rational, thats why they are drugs. I think that you will only frustrate and hurt yourself if you dwell on it too long or try to pull apart all the strands in a bid to rationalise it all. Maybe it is better to see your ex as someone who literally lost his mind and didn't see the world the same way anymore. alcohol really is that strong. Unfortunately, there is nothing you could have done or changed that would have stopped this from happening. This was between him and alcohol.

freetosmile

Hey Flipped

You know, I have those days too....the nights are especially hard.

I'll admit something here that I don't admit very often. I'm actually terrified of the dark. When AH was here, I wasn't so terrified of it because I wasn't alone.

Since he is gone, I've been sleeping with the lights on (which is a pain in the ass because...well the lights are on, it's hard to sleep).

But last night I tried to sleep with the lights off. And I realized, as I was laying there wishing for AH to be there beside me, that the dark would be the same with AH there or not. Scary.

I tried to relate that to my life. Life without AH is GOING to be scary. Life WITH AH is scary AND unrelenting. It would be like the dark was never going to go away. At least without this man in your life, you KNOW in your heart that the sun is coming up soon and the dark won't hang around forever.

You can do this and we will support you. Don't forget that girlie. You are not alone and you have made an AWESOME decision. One that I myself am not brave enough to make yet and I hope that I can be as strong as you soon. I really do.

Cleo1234

Loved that analogy!

dandylion

FlippedRHalo....you must have never read any of my posts to other people!!! I have written about the grieving process until I have worn the letters off my keyboard from typing....LOL!

YOU ARE GRIEVING. GRIEVING HURTS L IKE HELL. IT IS JUST LIKE YOU ARE DESCRIBING.

You do not get over a major loss, such as this in one month!!! It is m ore like several m onths. I think your expectations are unreaistic, in this respect.
I have been through a painful breakup such s this o ne.....so, I am also talking from my own experience. Plus, I have dealt with lots of others who have suffered tremendous loss.

Grief is a natural process. NO, you are not CRAZY. Yes, this is normal.

Now, there are l ots and l ots of things that you can do to get yourself from day to day as this NATURAL HEALING PROCESS plays out it's course.
Grief takes time and space. It simply does.
It eventually fades away....it doesn't stay at white intensity level forever.

If you want additional support---and, you are entitled and should get all the support from everywhere that you can---in some places, they treat post break-up pain by doing grief counseling (like after a death). Grief counseling is available everywhere, these days.

Now...coming here and venting and talking about it is verry good. I am not trying to discourage you from that....But..if you need more help..by all means do so.

I suggest that you do a forum "search" (on the blue bar at the top of the page) and put in the words "dandylion" and "grief"....and you will get tons of threads where this is dealt with in more detail.

This is short-term pain for long-term gain. Short term is really more like weeks to months. You have only been about 4-6 wks??.

The reason that I am pounding these keys so early, this morning (no coffee, yet), is because I think you deserve to realistically k now what to expect.

When I was only one month in--I was a blubbering hot mess!! And, I mean "mess" with a capital "M". I lived through it--eventually. Then I found the wonderful love--my husband (who, later, died suddenly). I really can't remember what I thought was so "hot" about that guy that I was grieving over, anymore. LOL! We were also planning to get married...

You are going to get through this. It is a process, though.

I'm just saying.....

dandylion

kudzujean

Yes, he or she would have. I'm glad you didn't have children with this man.

Best to you. Grief takes time to get over, as others have said.

kudzujean

"I know that as much as he wanted us to have a child, that our child would have lived a sad life, like the one I had to endure with my alcoholic parents."

Yes, he or she would have. I'm glad you didn't have children with this man.

Best to you. Grief takes time to get over, as others have said.

FlippedRHalo

I'm doing a lot better this morning, thanks everyone. Some moments, the grief just hits so hard that it scares me. I know it's going to pass, but I can't convince myself of that while I'm in the midst of it.

Dandy, I promise I read everything, lol, but it's so hard to apply it to myself and my situation when it's hitting me hard. I know all of this, I truly do, but at that moment when it's all mine to struggle with, I sometimes just need to hear it again. Those supportive words make me feel so not alone. I sometimes wonder if it's actually him I'm mourning, or if I'm really just freaking out because I feel so alone in those moments. Probably some of both. I'm starting to see that when I do have these moments (this time it was days!) and I get through them, I feel much better and stronger once it passes. However, convincing myself that it will pass and I will feel better once it does is another story!

I can't thank all of you enough for the support I've been given through this crazy process. I'm still unsure why, but ending a relationship with an A just seems so much messier and so much more of an emotional upheaval than ending a normal relationship. I'm getting through this, but I'm so impatient and want to just be over it and healed yesterday. I know that's not realistic, but I guess that "fix it" part of me wants it fixed, over and done with already. :/

dandylion

Flipped....I do understand how bad those feelings are when they come. I've certainly been though that.

I think that it is real important to have your list of "go to" things to do--when the scary emotions and "panicky" feelings hit. he mind and body are very connected and affect each other--part of the "panic" is actually physiological....and if you can stop it before the ball gets rolling, you can feel immediately better.
I can remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and opening the windows in the cold of winter so that I could "breathe"...then called a girlfriend from work...and, she "talked me down"!!!

Maybe you already have a list of things to do that help you.....
Could I ask what they are...?

Maybe you can make a thread asking others what they did that helped them get through the grieving.... You have a panel of "experts" here---because, I'll bet that virtually everyone who has been here for a while has been through the same thing...

dandylion

Jodie77

I completely COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. I don't have much advice to give as I am not even 1 week broken up (he dumped ME and is buying a house, running his company, taking care of his kids, all is status quo and business as usual for him while I toss and turn at night and sob uncontrollably ALL day long by this abandonment), but know that yes you are grieving, and all the emotions you are sifting through are 100% natural. He is numbing himself now but I suspect he'll be the one grieving after you've fully healed.

Hugs!