He wants to come home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
He wants to come home
I just received a text from my AH. He misses us he's had nothing to drink and his mind is clear. I know, my eyebrow is raised too. I didn't answer him right away, I took some time to think about what he is asking. I have an appt. with my therapist tomorrow so I will go over this with her. I'm going to make a list tonight -- I have some things already on it in my mind. He can take them or leave them, but I told him to call me before he heads home and that if I hear a hint of a slur he is not welcome to come back home, but he MUST call me first, period. I told him be prepared for a serious talk. I'm going to let him know that I've spoken to a lawyer and the next episode I will deliver him with papers for a legal separation, that I need some protection from anything that happens due to his drinking. He has to go to therapy to get down to the bottom of what's going on with him and remain in AA, if he doesn't I will serve him those papers. He cannot slip out again like he did last time after he thinks the waters have calmed.
Maybe this is/isn't a good idea. Time will tell. He wants to talk with the boys and I would rather it be in our home with me here than anywhere else that I can't hear whats being said.
I no longer have rose colored glasses on and I think I can handle whatever the outcome may be.
Maybe this is/isn't a good idea. Time will tell. He wants to talk with the boys and I would rather it be in our home with me here than anywhere else that I can't hear whats being said.
I no longer have rose colored glasses on and I think I can handle whatever the outcome may be.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
How long as he been gone? How long since he has had alcohol?
I would tread very, very, very cautiously here.
They always want to come back, mine has over and over again even after being separated for a year and then for almost two years at a time. Always wants to come back, and it never ends well.
Good luck.
I would tread very, very, very cautiously here.
They always want to come back, mine has over and over again even after being separated for a year and then for almost two years at a time. Always wants to come back, and it never ends well.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi Katchie,
I get your frustration.
Those conditions you mention are ultimatums. You must be prepared to follow through if you say them. You backed down once so he knows he can work you over. Word of advice, don't say it if you can't do it.
I get your frustration.
Those conditions you mention are ultimatums. You must be prepared to follow through if you say them. You backed down once so he knows he can work you over. Word of advice, don't say it if you can't do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Yes,, I am aware they are ultimatums and I'm ready to follow thru regardless of my fear because I'm tired of being hurt, angry, body full of knots, headaches, stomach aches, stuffing instead of feeling, covering for him....blah blah blah. It has been peaceful w/o him home. He didn't walk thru the door and I didn't feel like I had to examine him from head to toe for signs of drinking; I didn't have to second guess myself and then beat myself up for being so stupid AGAIN. Its been nice even if I've bawled my eyes out at least once a day since he has been gone.
Now, what I didn't share with you all and should have, he will not come here and stay the night tomorrow. I told him I'm not comfortable with that and he said he would come, talk with me and the boys and then leave. I am comfortable with that so long as he calls and I don't hear him slur any words.
Now, what I didn't share with you all and should have, he will not come here and stay the night tomorrow. I told him I'm not comfortable with that and he said he would come, talk with me and the boys and then leave. I am comfortable with that so long as he calls and I don't hear him slur any words.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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You sound determined! I don't really know what is best for you and your kids...but I think YOU do and I support you no matter what.
hugs. I think you are doing great...but I'm so dysfunctional that it probably doesn't mean much.
hugs. I think you are doing great...but I'm so dysfunctional that it probably doesn't mean much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Never Ending Drama . . . .
Meanwhile. Back on YOUR Program . . . .
Meanwhile. Back on YOUR Program . . . .
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Reminding you kindly that you have been down this road before. Reading your threads from last year in February he text you he was leaving. A DAY later he called to ask if he could come home.
Now he has been gone since Friday I think and we are back to square one. Wanting to come home again. These one and three day absences are a temporary solution to a permanent problem. He's never embraced recovery period. He has white knuckled it all the way. Meanwhile back at the fort Katchie in on a roller coaster with no seat belt as are the kids.
Perhaps its time to throw in the towel and admit that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. You have a list of things he must abide by in order to come home - I think you should think about this. You have a requirement for therapy and participation in AA. Also been down that road before as well. He most likely is going to agree to it. I think he may go. But you telling him to do it and him wanting to do are two separate issues. He may want to do it to remain at home, is that really a desire to be sober? I don't think so.
Perhaps it would be best to say you will no longer live with an active alcoholic and let AH figure out what his treatment program will be, or how he is going to do it (if he is). Don't let him come home. Actions are what you need to see not words.
And a little peace at home would be good for Katchie et al.
I'm really sorry you are going through so much. This is just my perspective take what you want and leave the rest.
((((hugs))))
Now he has been gone since Friday I think and we are back to square one. Wanting to come home again. These one and three day absences are a temporary solution to a permanent problem. He's never embraced recovery period. He has white knuckled it all the way. Meanwhile back at the fort Katchie in on a roller coaster with no seat belt as are the kids.
Perhaps its time to throw in the towel and admit that the definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. You have a list of things he must abide by in order to come home - I think you should think about this. You have a requirement for therapy and participation in AA. Also been down that road before as well. He most likely is going to agree to it. I think he may go. But you telling him to do it and him wanting to do are two separate issues. He may want to do it to remain at home, is that really a desire to be sober? I don't think so.
Perhaps it would be best to say you will no longer live with an active alcoholic and let AH figure out what his treatment program will be, or how he is going to do it (if he is). Don't let him come home. Actions are what you need to see not words.
And a little peace at home would be good for Katchie et al.
I'm really sorry you are going through so much. This is just my perspective take what you want and leave the rest.
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think the "I will no longer live with an active alcoholic" is much easier to handle day to day from your side.
As you say, you will be policing him again with the ultimatums. Sounds stressful.
Take care and keep us posted. We got your back whatever you choose.
Hugs Katchie
As you say, you will be policing him again with the ultimatums. Sounds stressful.
Take care and keep us posted. We got your back whatever you choose.
Hugs Katchie
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Do you trust and respect him? Is the relationship you had before acceptable? Because calling and saying I haven't had a drink today means nothing. Is he willing to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I hope today is going well for you Katchie, I hope your therapist appt helped.
I totally agree with everything Red said, I don't think he has really accepted that he IS an alcoholic in his mind, which is why you keep going through these types of dramatic situations. No telling how long until or if he'll ever "get it" so please, please remember to put you & the boys first.... because until that day comes for your AH EVERYTHING in your life is taking a backseat to Crown. (((((HUGS)))))
I totally agree with everything Red said, I don't think he has really accepted that he IS an alcoholic in his mind, which is why you keep going through these types of dramatic situations. No telling how long until or if he'll ever "get it" so please, please remember to put you & the boys first.... because until that day comes for your AH EVERYTHING in your life is taking a backseat to Crown. (((((HUGS)))))
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know when I would kick my XAH out of the house b/c he was drinking, he would make every promise in the world to come back. Eventually enough was enough. Point being, when you take them out of their comfort zone they do a lot of talking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Hi Katchie,
Just wondering, what do the kids think about him coming home? I know that if my AH had been gone for any time, due to his drinking my girls would be beside themselves with joy!
I am curious if your kids are enjoying the peace as much as you.
Just wondering, what do the kids think about him coming home? I know that if my AH had been gone for any time, due to his drinking my girls would be beside themselves with joy!
I am curious if your kids are enjoying the peace as much as you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
katchie, he was DRUNK four days ago and then left. now here he is again, calling the shots, TEXTING to say he wants to come home. well boo f'ing hoo, dude. this ain't a Motel 6 where you call to see if we have any vacancies.
you let him in that door and i guarantee you won't get him back out, until HE wants to go. why are you letting him storm in and out of your life and the children's life like this???? did you even ASK the kids how they feel about it? or think about what it's like for a kid when one parent keeps abandoning them over and over and over again?
saying that he NEEDS to get into therapy and get into his issues and remain in AA is not a boundary....nor is that even an enforceable ultimatum.
i'm glad you get the chance to talk this out with your therapist first. and i agree with others, you always had the choice to tell him NO.
you let him in that door and i guarantee you won't get him back out, until HE wants to go. why are you letting him storm in and out of your life and the children's life like this???? did you even ASK the kids how they feel about it? or think about what it's like for a kid when one parent keeps abandoning them over and over and over again?
saying that he NEEDS to get into therapy and get into his issues and remain in AA is not a boundary....nor is that even an enforceable ultimatum.
i'm glad you get the chance to talk this out with your therapist first. and i agree with others, you always had the choice to tell him NO.
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